Page 24 of The Atonement (Arrangement #3)

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

AINSLEY

W hen Peter answered the phone, the noise in the background told me he was somewhere outside. Somewhere crowded. “Where are you?”

“I’m…at work. Why?”

Had he really gone to work after what we’d just gone through? Could he be that callous? “Can you meet me somewhere?”

“Uh, sure. Like where? And why?”

“Things got out of hand before. We really do need to talk. I overreacted, and I’m sorry. I was worried and nervous, and…I’m sorry, too, if I hurt you. I was scared you were going to hurt me, and—”

“Ainsley, you know I’d never want to hurt you.”

“I know that,” I told him, pausing as I worked to catch my breath and veered the car off at the next exit, heading for downtown.

“Look, let’s just meet somewhere public.

We can grab coffee and talk. No weapons.

No threats. Just…talk. We used to be able to do that, right? I’d like to think we still can.”

“That sounds great. How about the coffee shop on Eighth?”

“Perfect. I can be there in twenty minutes.”

“I’ll get us a table.”

Twenty minutes later, I parked in front of the local comedy club and crossed two streets on my way to the coffee shop.

Inside, Peter was waiting for me at a table in the back.

I approached the counter and ordered a mint green tea, taking my time as I poured a packet of sweetener into the paper cup.

I avoided looking at my husband, though I could feel his eyes burning into me from behind.

He blended into the scenery around us. Easily faded into the background.

He was just an average guy in a coffee shop.

Was that how he’d gotten away with things for so long?

Was that why he’d never been caught? Why no one ever suspected he could be dangerous?

Why I never suspected he could be dangerous?

I thought back to what I’d learned months ago—that when we’d met, I was meant to be his next victim. I supposed I was lucky that it hadn’t ended that way, but that didn’t mean he hadn’t taken anything from me. Half my life had been wasted on him. On whatever this was.

Once I could no longer justify standing there, slowly stirring the sweetener into the tea, I turned and met his eyes, crossing the room and taking a seat in front of him.

“Hey.”

He nodded. “Hey.” His fingers laced around the coffee cup in front of him, then went back under the table. “Thanks, uh, thanks for suggesting this.” He scratched his cheek, looking around.

“I wanted to be able to talk things through.”

He folded his hands in front of him, his thumbs tapping nervously against his knuckles. “Okay, sure. What things?”

“Well, now that things have calmed down, I want you to know that…” I pinched my lips together, staring at the cup of tea. “You weren’t wrong before. What you said about me not being able to…you know.”

When I looked back up, his brows were an inch higher than before, his eyes wide. “I wasn’t?”

“Come on, you know you weren’t.” I rolled my eyes.

“It’s nice to get a confirmation.”

“You’re my husband, Peter. The father of my children. Of course I love you. How could I not? I should’ve… I was hurt by what happened. I was hurt about…her. And I was vulnerable in a way I’ve never been vulnerable with you. I was trying, actively trying, and it felt like you weren’t.”

“I know,” he said, reaching for my hand.

I didn’t budge. After a moment, he withdrew the gesture.

“Everything with Joanna was a mistake. I love you, Ainsley. I love you so much. And I took you for granted, I know that. You were willing to give me everything, to change for me, and I still couldn’t see what I had right in front of me.

I’m sorry for that. But don’t you think we can still work it out?

Is there even a chance we can fix this?”

“I don’t think so, Peter,” I told him, spinning the cup in place on the table with one hand. “I… I think I’ve done all I can do.”

“You don’t have to do anything. You’re perfect. I’ll do it all.”

I held up a hand. “Just…stop. Please. We’ve been down this road too many times. The bottom line is that we’re dangerous for each other. We both deserve better—”

He shook his head wildly. “That’s not true—”

“I love you, Peter. I will always love you. I wish it hadn’t come down to this. I wish there was any other way, but there isn’t.” To my surprise, tears stung my eyes. “We have to move on, both of us, and the only way to do that is to get through this. It’s the hardest part, but we have to.”

He looked down, keeping his eyes trained on his coffee. “I…don’t want that.”

“I know. I don’t either. But it’s what’s best for everyone involved.”

“The kids?” When he looked back up at me, his eyes glistened with tears.

“Especially the kids.”

“I love them.” The first tear fell, and he brushed it away.

“I know that. They know that.”

“Then how can this be the right thing?”

“Sometimes…even people who love each other aren’t me ant to be together. For various reasons. Personalities, timing… It just doesn’t work between us. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of fighting.”

He was silent for a moment. “There has to be another way.”

“I don’t think there is. I’m going to take care of them, Peter. You know I will. I’ll make sure they have good lives, I promise you.”

“And what? I just… I just disappear ?” His voice was too loud. The couple sitting three tables down eyed us suspiciously, and Peter stood.

I stood up too, trying to get him to calm down. “I never said that. Maybe we can come up with a new sort of arrangement. Where the kids can see you a few times a month. We can come and visit.”

“Come from where?”

“Sit down, please. This is just a conversation.” I gestured toward the seat and, when he finally took it, I sat down as well.

“Come and visit from where, Ainsley?” He repeated, not looking at me. “Where are you planning to go?”

“Wherever we’ll be living at the time. I haven’t decided anything yet.”

“But I get no say in this?” He covered his mouth with his palm, then let it fall away, his eyes unfocused. “Is that really what you want?”

“I’m trying to be civil here, Peter. Short of us coming home and pretending nothing’s changed, what can I give you that you want? I won’t try to take any money, or any part of Lae Haer— ”

He met my eyes then, his voice too loud. “Was that even a question?”

I lowered my voice when he raised his. “What do you want? Tell me. What is your ideal outcome here?”

“I want you to come home.”

“It’s not an option. Aside from that.”

He huffed out a breath of air from his nose. “I want to be able to see the kids whenever I want.”

“Okay. How often? Weekly? Monthly?”

“ Daily , Ainsley, Jesus. You think I’d be fine seeing our children monthly? Be reasonable.” He leaned back in his chair, looking like a petulant child.

“I thought I was.” I rubbed my fingers, trying to ease the tension in them. “We have to compromise. For their sake.”

“And how exactly are you compromising?”

“I’m starting over, Peter. Alone. I’m going to have to build a new career in a city where I don’t know anyone. I’m going to be the sole provider for the kids on a day-to-day basis. Don’t you consider that a sacrifice?”

“No, I consider it selfish, frankly.”

“Selfish?”

“Yes, selfish. Have you even asked the kids what they want?”

Somewhere deep inside my stomach, I felt a sharp tugging sensation—as if the floor had fallen out from under me—as I recalled the conversation with Dylan the night before.

I was nearly certain Maisy would choose me, but Dylan was a wild card.

After our fight, I was almost positive he’d choose to stay with Peter if he was given the option. And Riley would follow his lead.

The idea of Peter raising the boys alone was devastating. What would he turn them into?

No.

It wasn’t an option.

“I’m being their parent right now. What they want is irrelevant compared to what’s best for them.”

His gaze hardened. “Meaning?”

“Meaning the kids stay with me. It’s nonnegotiable.”

“Unless I get a lawyer.”

“Come on,” I said with a scoff.

“Come on what?”

“You’re not going to hire a lawyer, Peter. We’re going to talk this out like adults.”

“Too late. I already have.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a white business card with creased corners. He pointed to the handwritten note at the top. “We met for lunch at noon. He thinks I stand a chance at full custody.”

I picked up the card with shaking hands, reading over it. “Full custody? You can’t be serious.”

“Oh, I am. Come home, or I’ll fight you with everything I have for them.” He leaned forward, lowering his voice. “And I’ll win.”

Had I misread the situation so badly? The idea of my husband taking the initiative to get an attorney involved when I was sure he was still rebelling against the idea that we were getting divorced in the first place was shocking.

“H-how did you pay for it?” I asked. There was no money in the accounts, certainly not enough to retain an attorney.

“Yeah, I noticed you drained the accounts.” He tapped the corner of a bright-blue card I didn’t recognize in his wallet. “Did you think I didn’t have a plan in place in case something like this were to ever happen?”

Yes, that’s exactly what I thought.

I didn’t say that. Instead, I said, “Well, if that’s how you want to go about this, then I guess I’ll hire one, too.”

“Guess so.”

“This is only going to make things harder on the kids. You realize that, right?”

“So move home and let’s call it all off. If you are really thinking about the kids, that’s what you’ll do.”

In his eyes, I saw the challenge. I tapped my phone screen, checking the time. Nearly an hour had passed since I’d called him. Since our meeting started.

Had anything been accomplished in that time?

“That’s not an option,” I said finally.

“Well, call my lawyer, then,” he said, pushing up from the table to stand once again.

“Where are you going?” I stood, too, hurrying after him as he crossed the crowded coffee shop and shoved the door open.

“Peter, wait!” I called, trying to keep my voice down as we stepped out onto the busy sidewalk.

I moved aside as a group of young women scurried past us, laughing loudly at a joke we hadn’t heard. “Wait!” I shouted, grabbing his arm.

“Wait for what?” He spun around, tearing his arm away from me. “What could you possibly want me to wait for? What could we possibly still have to talk about?”

“I—” I tried to think, tried to find something I could say that would make sense.

“Unless you don’t want me to leave,” he offered, the anger dissipating from his voice.

“We aren’t done talking.”

“Oh, I think we are.” He turned away from me again.

“I don’t want you to leave,” I blurted out, grabbing his arm again.

When he turned to face me, the smug grin on his face was enough to make me sick. “I knew it.”

“Don’t make this a thing.”

“Why don’t you want me to leave, Ainsley? Because you love me?”

“I’m…” I couldn’t lie. “It’s hard to walk away.”

“Then don’t.” He closed the space between us in an instant, gathering up my hands in his. “Don’t do this. Please.” He lifted our hands to his lips and kissed my fingers. “I love you. I love our family. We can fix this. You can fix this. You fix everything else. Please fix this.”

I was silent for a moment, trying to think. It was all too much. The conflicting emotions, the panic, the fear. The anger. “Can…can we go for a drive?”

He pulled the keys from his pocket triumphantly and jutted his head toward our SUV across the street. “Sure. Of course.”

I followed him to the vehicle with apprehension, still not sure it was the best idea, but it was the only idea I had.

He opened my door for me, waiting until I was inside before shutting it. Once he was in his seat, he locked the doors. I swallowed, gripping the door with sweating palms.

Breathe.

Just breathe.

“Now then, where to?” He started the SUV with a smile plastered on his lips. Would I ever be able to feel normal with him again? He pulled out of the parking space and outstretched his hand, waiting for me to place mine in his waiting palm.

When I did, he rubbed his thumb across my knuckles slowly, reminding me of the many times he’d done that to keep me calm. During labor with the kids, during a scary movie, during a particularly stressful dinner with my parents.

Once, Peter had been loving.

And then I’d met the monster.

Foolishly, I’d believed I could save the loving part of him, despite the monster’s powers, but now…now, I knew differently. The evil inside my husband was never just a part of him. It was all of him.

His love was meant to wield power over us all.

And I’d almost let him win.