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CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

SWAN

“I don’t know what to do, Patricia,” I said, looking out the window. I couldn’t even look my psychologist in the eye when I told her it seemed my heart had already moved on.

But I refused to allow it.

I wouldn’t do that to Lockland.

He wasn’t easy to move on from.

He’d been my world.

“About what, Swan?”

I licked my dry lips as tears clouded my view and the guilt pushed forwards. “I’m attracted to someone, and I shouldn’t be.”

“Why shouldn’t you?”

I sniffed. “Lockland’s been gone only a year.”

“Yes. One year.”

“How can I want someone when he was my world?”

“That’s the key word, Swan.”

Brows pinched, I looked at her. “What?”

“You said he was your world.”

“I only used past tense because he died. It doesn’t make me love him less. He’ll always be my world.”

“I believe that, Swan. But who says you can’t love more than one man in your life? There are relationships out there that prove to be happy with more than one partner. Lockland wouldn’t want you to go on without loving another or without allowing someone to love you. There are no rules against you wanting someone, Swan. Wouldn’t Lockland want you to be happy?”

Tears fell as I yelled, “I shouldn’t be happy.” I tore my gaze from her and clenched my jaw, whimpering. When I calmed myself, I told her softly, “I shouldn’t get what I want when Lockland died for me. It’s my fault. How can I be happy when he doesn’t get the chance to be? It’s not fair.”

“Many things in life aren’t fair, Swan. Cancer isn’t fair. Starving countries aren’t fair. Losing a loved one isn’t fair. But don’t close yourself off from experiencing more in life because of fear.” When I said nothing, she went on with “What happened with Lockland wasn’t your fault, Swan.”

I choked over a sob that caught in my throat.

“It wasn’t your fault. It could have happened to anyone his mother didn’t approve of. I also believe if it were someone else, the same outcome would have occurred because Lockland would have tried to save them, too, right?”

I whimpered but nodded.

“The only people to blame are his mother, his agent, and the woman who pulled that trigger. One day, you may believe it, but if you don’t, just try not to let the guilt take over your life.”

“How do I do that?”

“Keep living. Keep going places and talking and enjoying. There’ll be hiccups, like what you dealt with in the shopping centre. But you got through it, and you will again. Now, why don’t you tell me about this person you’re attracted to.”

A blush rose. Patricia quirked a brow.

Blowing out a breath, I said, “I’d rather not. I… I still don’t like that I’m attracted to him.”

“Does it make you feel like you’re tarnishing Lockland’s love?”

“That’s exactly what I’m doing.”

“You’re not, though,” she said.

Shaking my head, I stared down at my fisted hands on my thighs. “How can I not be when a part of me wants to move on, but… I’m scared I’ll forget Lockland and what he sacrificed for me?”

“So, are you saying you need to sacrifice your chance at love for Lockland?”

“Yes.” It was what would be fair. Now she was understanding.

“Would Lockland want you to?”

Her words crushed my chest. He wouldn’t because he was such a sweet, kind, and caring man. “He wouldn’t. But I can’t use that to give myself permission to have someone else.”

“Swan, loving someone else doesn’t mean you didn’t love Lockland. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to love again. It’s up to you whether you accept that or not. If you feel it’s too soon, then wait. If your feelings grow for this person, it won’t be wrong to take a chance to see where this could go. No one will judge you.”

I looked back to her.

“No family or friend will judge you, and that’s all that matters, really.”

That’s all that matters.

I wished I could believe her words right then and there, but I knew I had a while to go before the guilt over wanting another man after Lockland settled.

“How are the nightmares?” Patricia asked.

I froze. I hadn’t woken from one last night, and I was sure I didn’t the night before.

When was my last one?

“Swan?”

“I-I just realised I haven’t had one in at least a week.”

How could that be? What made them go?

Patricia smiled. “That’s wonderful news, Swan. Maybe subconsciously you’ve healed that part of the trauma.”

It couldn’t be because of Drake, right?

“Don’t overthink the reason for it, Swan. Just note that you’re in the right direction of healing.”

As I walked out of the appointment, I thought about Drake and how I hadn’t seen him since the night his family had come to our place for dinner. In a way, I was grateful since I’d acted like a twerp that night by giving him short answers when he tried to talk to me.

There was also the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. Worried if I’d stared too long, people would get the wrong idea.

God, I’m foolish.

Even thinking of it now had me heating in embarrassment and regret. I couldn’t let this attraction ruin our friendship. I had to stop feeling flustered around him.

My attention was down on the pavement when I heard my name called by a voice I would recognise anywhere. A voice that had my heart rattling my ribs.

Turning, I saw Drake coming down the street.

His gaze ran over my face. “How you doin’, Birdy?”

Birdy.

I’d never really thought of how I liked his nickname for me. But I did. I enjoyed how my pulse raced from hearing it. Then again, my flustering was a normal reaction for this man.

“Hi, Drake. What are you doing here?”

“Just ducked down the street for some milk. Heading back to the Harley store. I moved into Coyote’s apartment above it.”

Surprise, I raised my brows. “Really?”

“Yeah, about a month ago.”

I nodded, staring at his chin that had some stubble on it. “Look at you all grown up and moved out before me.” God, I sounded like a loser still living at home.

Drake snorted. “Believe me, living out of home ain’t that good when the bills come in. Try to stay with your folks for as long as you can. Or until you’ve saved a million dollars.”

Abrupt laughter slipped out of me. “In other words, I need to live with my parents until I’m old and grey.”

I met his gaze for a second and saw his eyes were near sparkling. I looked away, blushing. Why did he have to appeal to me? Did it have to do with the flirting he did? Maybe. But I also thought it was because he always made me laugh or smile.

He was just being kind. He never meant anything by the attention. Drake had many women vying for his attention. He could pick absolutely anyone.

“You should come by sometime.”

I froze from his suggestion. Me alone with Drake in an apartment? No. That wouldn’t work. I already fought with myself whenever he was around, worried I’d get caught staring at him longingly.

It was too soon.

It was wrong.

And if I was alone with him, I worried my restraint would fly out the window.

Drake made me feel like myself. Like I had before everything. He made me warm and fuzzy, and those feeling were easy to become addicted to after being cold and lifeless for so long.

God, why was I fighting my attraction when it seemed just being around Drake was enough to revive me?

Because he won’t want you.

Because you worry what everyone will think.

That I didn’t love Lockland and had moved on like a worthless?—

“Swan?”

I blinked and lifted my gaze. I wanted to smooth the worry line between his brows.

Wait, Drake had asked me a question.

“Um.” I licked my dry lips. “I could drop by one time. But I really need to get going now.” My mind was a whirlpool of damaging thoughts, and I wouldn’t make a rash decision on anything until some of the mess cleared up.

Drake reached out and placed his hand on my shoulder. I bit down on my bottom lip and stared at the ground as my heart hammered. He ran his hand slowly down my arm to my hand, where he squeezed.

“My door’s always open for you, Birdy. Come by whenever you want.”

My door’s always open for you.

He was too sweet for his own good sometimes.

“T-Thanks.” I took a step back and would have fallen down the curb if he hadn’t caught me around the waist.

With a chuckle, he said, “You gotta watch where you’re steppin’, darlin’.”

I liked his warm arm around me.

I forced a laugh. “Sorry.” I moved out of his grip and stood beside my car door. “I can’t believe I managed to do that.” I unlocked the door and opened it. “It was good to see you,” I said.

“Maya mentioned you’re goin’ to Melbourne. Just wonderin’ if you decided to be on the back of my bike or go in the car with Ruby?”

I would give anything to be on the back of the bike with Drake.

But he was only being nice. I knew the brothers preferred to save that spot for their old lady.

“I, um, I think the car?”

I caught his smirk when I flicked my gaze to him and away. “Let me know if you change your mind. Later, Birdy.”

“Bye.” I waved, climbing into my car and shutting the door. I put my key in the ignition and noticed that Drake still stood on the path. His arms were crossed over his chest. I leaned forwards enough to see his face, and he tipped his chin up at me, smiling.

Why wasn’t he leaving? I waved again, and his smile grew wide enough that I saw his teeth flash. Was he waiting for me to go?

I started the car, wound down my window, and called again, “Bye.”

“Later.” The humour in his tone puzzled me since he was the one being weird by hanging about until I was gone.