Page 10

CHAPTER TEN

SWAN

ONE YEAR LATER

“I t’s natural to still have nightmares, Swan,” my psychologist said from the couch opposite me.

It was “natural.”

Everything was “natural.” It didn’t matter that I jumped from a loud noise or hated being around large groups of people or only slept for a few hours before shooting awake, screaming from seeing him soaked in blood as he tried to talk to me.

It wasn’t the first time she’d said that to me, and it probably wouldn’t be the last either.

Nodding, I looked out the window.

“Is there anything else you want to touch on before our session ends?”

“When do I get better? When does the pain stop? When will my chest stop feeling crushed?”

She gave me a soft smile when I glanced back to her. “I don’t have an easy answer for you, Swan. For some, they get through grief quickly and can move on. For others, it’ll stay with them for many years. But then you’re on a different level, Swan. We’re not talking about having someone pass away from old age or sickness. How you lost Lockland was a highly traumatic experience. In other words, there’s no set time to how long it takes to be able to breathe without the grief overwhelming you.”

Tears filled my vision, and I roughly wiped them away.

“You’re doing well, Swan, and you have so much support behind you. When you feel crushed, reach out to someone, please. Anyone. You have my cell number.”

I drew in a deep breath and stood. “Thanks, Patricia.”

“I’ll see you next time.”

Humming under my breath, I walked out of the room, closing the door after me. I kept my gaze down as I made my way out of the building.

My throat felt thick with emotions as I went to my car.

I stopped at the driver’s side and just stared through the window into my car while the words from people over the year ran through my head.

“You’ll get through this, Swan.”

“It’ll be okay.”

“Hang in there.”

“Brighter days are ahead.”

“I know this is tough, but it’ll get better.”

How would it?

How the fuck would it get better?

I had him back in my life, and I lost him again. But in the worst way possible.

All because I’d been selfish and wanted answers.

I shouldn’t have gone to see him. The guilt for going raged inside me like it did every damn day.

His death was my fault.

All my fault.

He’d still be alive if I hadn’t shown my damn face.

If I hadn’t been greedy.

I wished she’d shot me instead.

No, I wished Alisa had told me she was crazy enough to send someone to try and kill me. She should have thought for a fucking second what her actions could do to her son.

She didn’t.

She was just as much at fault as me.

The pain my dad and his brothers inflicted on her and Ronald before they handed them to Parker and Lan would never be enough.

She needed to continue to suffer.

So did he.

Both of them, and me, we were all at fault for the loss of Lockland.

A whimper escaped.

I’ve lost Lockland.

I won’t ever get to see him again.

“Birdy?”

I jolted and turned to Drake at my back.

He took one look at me and said low, “Fuck,” before I was taken into his arms.

I stiffened and gently pushed him back, sniffing and wiping at my face. “I’m fine,” I told him softly.

His brow quirked. “What have I told you about that word?”

I gave him a forced smirk, just one corner tipped up, knowing that was what he wanted. I thought he’d say something or grin, but his gaze saddened.

I worried him.

I worried everyone I was around.

I’m tired.

So very tired.

I just want to sleep.

Why does my brain hate me?

Blowing out a breath, I tugged on the ends of my hair. “What are you doing around here?”

Drake tipped his chin off to the side. “Workin’ at Coyote’s.” His brother’s Harley-Davidson store was down the road. Maybe he was getting lunch or something. Whatever. Drake glanced behind him. “You been at an appointment?”

“Yeah. But I better go.”

“Swan….”

Here it came.

You’ll be okay.

Sorry you’re so sad.

If there’s anything I can do.

There was nothing anyone could do.

I just wanted to be left alone.

Drake surprised me by only saying, “Catch ya,” before he walked away. I watched him cross the street and head down towards the store.

His family had been nothing but supportive. They dropped by all the time to check on me or distract me with food, movies, or news.

But I felt like I was just on the outside looking in on it all.

Like I wasn’t really in the room with them.

I was awake but asleep on the inside.

I smiled or laughed or said what I needed to, but they didn’t buy my attempts at trying to make them worry about me less.

They still worried.

Even Mum, Dad, and Nicky were concerned.

I just wanted to feel like myself again. Without the heartache and guilt drowning me. But whenever I wished for that, guilt threatened to overwhelm me.

I hated they worried for me. I didn’t like seeing them upset.

But I couldn’t help how I felt. I wanted to lift my head above the water, but it still clogged my nose, eyes, throat, and heart.

It filled me from head to toe.

I wanted to call out to Drake to tell him I was sorry for being a bother.

And I went to but then closed my mouth.

Instead, I unlocked my car and got in, squeezing the steering wheel with my hands.

Stop thinking. Stop wallowing. Stop grieving. Stop feeling guilty.

But I couldn’t.

I deserved to feel the way I did. Lockland would still be here if I hadn’t gone to see him.

How did I go on living with the knowledge that I killed someone?

I clenched my teeth as other voices slipped through my mind: my psychologist’s, Mum’s, Dad’s, everyone’s.

It’s not your fault.

You can’t blame yourself.

Time will heal.

You’ll see no one blames you.

But then I remembered the conversation with Maya.

“If you’re going to blame yourself, then I should blame myself too,” she’d said.

“What? No!” I’d said as I’d wiped at my fresh tears.

“I pushed you to get answers. I pushed you to go see him. If it weren’t for me, we would’ve gone to the concert and things would be different.”

“It’s not your fault. I wouldn’t have gone if I didn’t want those answers.”

She shrugged. “Fine, the blame goes to both of us.”

“No, it’s mine,” I’d yelled.

“It’s not,” she’d snapped back.

Mum, Dad, and Texas had rushed into the room then.

But Maya had said, “We should have guessed his mum would get an obsessed girl to try and kill you. That things like that happen all the time. We should have realised that he would step in front of you to stop that bullet aimed at you. We should have worked it all out. We failed at predicting this fucking fucked-up situation, and someone ended up dead unfairly.”

A pain-filled moan escaped me. Sniffing, I pressed my forehead to the steering wheel.

Logically, I knew she was right. My choice to see him wasn’t what ended his life.

It was his mother and agent who were responsible. The jury had agreed, since the pair had been sentenced.

That woman had been at fault too. But she’d been sent to a secure psychiatric ward.

Still, even with other people seeing the fault in them, I couldn’t stop this guilt eating at me .

How did I get through this?

How did I not blame myself?

I wished there were a simple answer.

There wasn’t.

I would always hold a part of the blame close to my heart. Maybe I’d even learn how to carry on with it inside me.

Somehow.

A squeal escaped me when someone knocked on my window. I clutched my heart and peeked out. Maya’s smiling face greeted me.

I turned on the car enough to wind down the window. “Your brother called you.”

“Nope. I was in the shop when he walked in all broody. He told me he saw you and needed a friend.”

Drake was my friend too.

I didn’t like that he thought he wasn’t.

Maya rested her arms to the window frame and leaned her chin on them. “You okay?”

“He caught me just after a session. It always makes me all… muddled.”

“Understandable. You talk to her about your dreams?”

I rolled my eyes. “She said the same as you. That it’s natural to still have them.”

She grinned. “Gee, I’m smart. What are you doing now?”

“I’ve got the afternoon off. I was going to go home and watch a movie while eating a tub of ice cream.”

“Sounds like a good plan, but what about you come with me to Texas’s shop.”

Home alone sounded better.

I wasn’t good company these days.

People had always seen me as the quiet one. But I was more so now.

“Please?” Maya tried. “I could use some company.”

I swung my gaze up to her as she straightened. “Are you okay?”

“I am. I’ve just been missing you is all. But I don’t want to make you feel like you have to hang. You don’t.”

She wasn’t the only one I’d been distant with.

I’d been cold for so long.

Cold and numb.

Freezing and broken.

It was my fault. It was what I’d wanted.

I’d shut people out to try and deal.

But maybe I could let them in while I still found myself again.

“Where are you parked?”

She smiled, eyes shining. “Down at Coyote’s. Let me jump in, and we can leave your car at my brother’s. It’ll be safe there.” She raced around the car as if she thought I was going to cancel going.

I started the engine fully as soon as she was in with her belt on.

A stab of regret filled me as I drove towards the Harley store.

I shouldn’t be going.

But I needed to change my routine.

Maybe the change would help me see the world in a different light.

Because right now, I was struggling. I went from work to home and had stopped going anywhere else. Friends and family still dropped in to see me, but I no longer went to gatherings at the compound. And when I was home, I stayed in my room. I didn’t want to see the worry or pity in everyone’s gazes.

Because it was my fault they looked that way in the first place. My actions.

I knew they were just trying to support me in any way they could.

But I’d cut them off.

Even Mum, Dad, and Nicky.

Today, I would stop.

Today, I would try to open up again.

But do you deserve to try and move on?

You should feel this guilt, this pain, forever.

You killed him.

It’s your fault.

No.

No.

No.

I couldn’t listen to that part of me.

At least, I’d try not to, and when those thoughts did overwhelm me, I’d reach out to someone.

Drawing in a breath, I blew it out slowly as I hoped I’d listen to my new resolve.

Even when I knew it would be hard.