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CHAPTER TWELVE

W e need to run.

We need to get safe.

He’ll die.

He’ll leave me.

I’ll never see him again.

He’s just out of reach. I can’t grab him.

Lockland.

Please, Lockland, come with me.

I need you.

Why isn’t he moving?

Please, Lockland.

“I love you, Swan.”

Blood. So much blood, it spewed from his mouth.

“You did this, Swan.”

A scream tore out of my throat as I sat up in bed, gripping my chest. A choked sob broke free, and I slumped back down to the mattress. Rolling to my side, I wrapped my arms around my waist as the tears flowed.

I missed him.

How was it possible for me to miss him so much when I didn’t have much time with him?

I knew why. He’d already been embedded into my soul. Ever since he moved in next door.

I let out a mournful groan.

I hope you forgive me for coming into your life again, Lockland.

I pray that you don’t regret me.

Closing my eyes, I rolled to my belly and shoved my face into my pillow and screamed.

Wishing I’d died instead of him.

Wishing she’d shot me.

I was choking on the guilt eating at my soul.

I love you, Lockland. I’ll always love you.

My alarm blared. I grabbed my phone and turned it off. When I slapped the device to the bed, I took a shuddering breath and pushed myself to sit and wiped at my face. My nose had healed over the last few weeks, and now I sometimes forgot I even got it done.

What hurt was my chest. I rubbed at it.

Ever since that day, it felt like there was a hole there.

Like I wasn’t complete.

I missed him.

The time we had together wasn’t long enough.

It wasn’t fair. Never would be. But I still had to learn how to deal with the injustice.

After another broken deep breath in, I grabbed my braid and pulled it over my shoulder to remove the elastic and undo my hair. I’d washed it last night, thankfully, or else I wouldn’t have had time or the energy this morning.

I had to get ready for work.

Had to go about my day with this emptiness inside me.

I needed to learn to live with the hollowness instead of letting it drag me under.

Moving off the bed, I stretched and swallowed thickly.

Another day knowing I would never see Lockland again.

And knowing I was a part of the reason why that happened.

No.

Move through the guilt.

Move through the pain.

Just keep moving.

I had to.

So, I got ready for work and went downstairs and into the kitchen for a coffee. Mum and Dad sat at the kitchen table. Dad was looking at something on his tablet, and Mum was reading off her phone.

“Morning,” I called.

They both smiled over at me.

“Hey, kid,” Dad said.

“Kettle just boiled.” Mum smiled softly.

“Thanks.” These days they were used to me moving around like a zombie. Like I’d been drained from lack of sleep. They used to come rushing into my room when they’d heard me screaming to try and help me after the nightmare.

But I’d asked them to stop.

There was no point, and I hated that their sleep was interrupted enough from hearing me.

I would get through this.

One day I’d wake with no nightmares and feel refreshed.

But maybe I deserved those nightmares, so I wasn’t exactly ready to give them up either.

I rubbed at my temples from all the mixed signals I gave myself. No wonder I was tired all the time. It wasn’t only from lack of sleep but from my thoughts too.

* * *

When I glanced at the clock in my office, I smiled, feeling somewhat lighter. I closed my eyes at the relaxing and warm sensations floating around in me.

It was reading time.

I stood from my computer; the events and programs I organised could wait until after I was done. Walking out into the main area, I greeted regulars as I headed towards the space where we hosted Kids’ Corner.

I only stopped when I saw Drake leaning against the wall, attention on his phone. It’d been weeks since I saw him last in the tattoo shop.

My heart rattled.

There were still a couple of minutes to go before I started, so I walked up to him. “Are you looking at getting a library card?”

His head rose and he smiled brightly. Even his eyes shone.

He chuckled. “Hey, Birdy.” He tipped his chin to the right, the young adult section. “I brought Aeila to grab a couple of books.”

“Shouldn’t she be at school?”

He snorted. “She got suspended for punchin’ a boy in the junk when he said somethin’ bad about her dads.” My eyes widened. Aeila was an exemplary student. She wouldn’t have acted out if it wasn’t for a good reason. That boy must have said something vile. I was surprised Nicky hadn’t been with her at the time. They were close.

Drake nodded.

“How did Julian and Mattie handle it?”

He grinned again. “Mattie gave her a lecture but also a high-five. Julian told her there’s other ways to get even without gettin’ physical.”

Laughter bubbled out of me.

“How did you get the job of bringing her here?”

He said nothing for a moment, just looked at me. Until he told me, “Mattie and Julian were both busy. She was at the garage goin’ on about bein’ bored. I offered to bring her here to pick up some books.”

That was really sweet.

“Hi, Miss Daniels,” Rob yelled with a wave. His mum shushed him and winced my way.

“Hello, Rob.” I smiled. I glanced back to Drake. “Sorry, they’re waiting on me.”

“All good, Birdy. See you soon, yeah?”

The way he said it, slow and low, with a gaze I couldn’t quite read, had me clearing my throat and nodding.

A blush worked its way onto my cheeks, and I quickly said, “Bye.”

Inwardly, I groaned as I walked away. Why was I acting like that? Why did I get flustered? He hadn’t even been flirting. I shouldn’t have this pulse-racing reaction to him.

Shaking my head, I pushed it all aside and smiled to the kids. “Hello, everyone. Welcome to Kids’ Corner. Today, I have one of my favourite books to read.” I went over to the table next to my lounge chair and picked up the story I’d placed there earlier. “ Green Eggs and Ham . My parents used to read this to me all the time.”

“I’ve heard this one. But I love it,” a little girl said.

“I’m so glad you do. All right, let’s all sit down and put on our listening ears.”

My body warmed when they looked up at me as I took my seat, eyes wide and alert. I started the book, and their attention stayed on me. Well, most of them did for nearly all the way through. Some drifted off to look out a window or stare at other book covers or whisper something to their parent. It was expected when they were so young.

When I got to the end, I closed the book and placed it back on the table. “What did you think?”

I laughed when they all tried to shout over one another.

Holding a hand up, I waited until they quieted again. “One at a time. Hands up if you want to say something.” Ten out of the sixteen raised their hands, and I went through all their questions and comments. Some of them were the same thing, but there were others who wanted another book next time from the same author.

After I said my goodbye and placed the book away, I turned and saw Drake and Aeila standing close by.

“Did you stay for the story?” I asked, my heart racing.

“I remember Dad bringing me here when it was story time. But you do a better job than the lady who used to,” Aeila said after she’d nodded to my question.

Snorting, I told her, “It’s not the first time I’ve heard that.” Mildred retired last year, and she’d been a hard woman. There hadn’t been as many children in for reading as there were now.

“Excuse me, Swan?”

I turned to Ryan, who was Danny’s father. “What can I help you with?” Danny was by the touch and feel section near us.

“Danny wanted more dinosaur books. Can you point me in the right direction?”

“Of course.” I pointed to the left. “Try the second row over there.”

“Thanks. Yeah, ah, he has some at home. I mean my ex-wife’s house, but not as many at mine.” He nodded to himself. Why was he telling me this? “I just bought a place. A three-bedroom house out north. Danny loves it. Has a big backyard where I can barbeque.”

I hummed. “It’s, um, good to have your own space.” I still lived at home at twenty-four, and I was in no hurry to move out. It was safe and stable and allowed me to save.

“It is.” He nodded. My stomach twisted from the way his gaze ran over me. “You should drop?—”

“Birdy,” Drake called. When I faced him, he said, “We have to go. I’ll see you later, yeah?”

I will?

“Um, yeah?”

His lips twitched as he winked.

“Bye, Swan,” Aeila called.

“See you.” I waved and turned back to Ryan. Only he was still looking over my shoulder and had paled a little. “What were you saying?” I asked, praying it hadn’t been what I thought it was.

Ryan shook his head. “Nothing. I better get Danny those books.” Then he walked off.

Well, thank God for that.

He hadn’t been the first father to hint at a date. I was flattered by the attention. I didn’t really understand it, but it was nice to know some guys found me appealing.

However, there was no one that could gain my interest.

Not back before Lockland, but especially not now.

What about Drake?

I bit my bottom lip and shook my head at that quick thought.

He wasn’t an option—no matter how many times butterflies erupted and tried to escape when he was near.