Page 147 of String Boys

He was crying.

But he was looking Kelly in the eyes. “Remember when we were kids?” he rasped. “Seth would come over and play whatever we wanted. I’d want to play Hot Wheels, and he’d say something like Monopoly, and we’d end up playing Hot Wheels. And he’d just be so happy.”

“I hate you so much right now.” Kelly could hardly get the words out.

“And he’d just… I don’t know… you’d be talking and think he wasn’t listening, and then he’d just turn around and say something—something so important. Like I’d be complaining about grades or a teacher or something, and he’d say, ‘Mr. Bradshaw gave three kids Pop-Tarts this morning. Did you see that?’ And suddenly my B didn’t matter, because this teacher was a person and Seth saw it.”

Kelly was dying. Kellywishedhe was dead. “Matty—”

“And he was… he was just such a good friend.” Matty wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Castor Durant—he was so good at the blackmail. Take a hit, church boy, or I’ll hurt your brother and his friend. Take another, or I’ll tell your girlfriend’s father you took the first. It just went on and on and on….”

“You outed us to him,” Kelly snarled. “You made our lives hell—”

“Do you think Castor Durant hadn’t been threatening you all year?” Matty asked, his voice tangling. “And every day, I was getting deeper and deeper. And one day, I was high, and it just slipped out—you and Seth. I… I was hurt, you see? Because I was a dumb kid, and I was high half the time, and I thought you and him meant I lost my brother and my friend. And… and that was it. I couldn’t protect you. I couldn’t protect Isela—their fathers were friends, you see? And then… that night when you were attacked, I was so mad at you. You put me in that position. It’s all I could think. Youmademe have to give you up to Castor. If you and Seth hadn’t… hadn’t been—”

“In love?” Kelly asked bitterly.

Matty squeezed his eyes shut. “Here, now? With no drugs in my body—I regret it. It… it was so innocent, you two. I don’t know why I couldn’t see it that way then.”

Kelly pulled in a breath, and another, not sure if there was enough oxygen in the world. But his brother wasn’t finished with him. Not yet.

“And then you were attacked. And… and I was part of it. I hated so much—and part of it was hating you because I’d been in hell for months. Every time I went to Isela’s church, Castor was there, and he was giving me drugs, and he was threatening my family, threatening Isela. And I couldn’t tell anybody, and I was so scared. And you… you went through fifteen minutes of hell and the world ground to a halt.”

“Fifteen minutes? Is that all you think it was?” Like it was yesterday. Foul hands, worse smells, violating his skin, his senses,his body—

“No.” Matty was staring into the void, lines of sorrow etched so deeply in his face they might have gone straight to the bone. “No. That’s one of the things you know when you’re looking at the end of things. You know how much hell other people went through, when you were making your own.”

“Matty, I gotta go. I can’t—”

“Call him,” Matty whispered, relentless. “Blame it on me if you want. Get him here. Tell him you’re sorry. Take my daughter, my son….” He looked at Xavier, his father’s namesake, with a look of tenderness that Kelly would have said he wasn’t capable of. “Isela was a victim too, Kelly. I was supposed to take her away from Castor, from the church, from all those things that hurt her. I got sucked into it just like she did. She never had a chance. Take my son and daughter and raise them. Be happy with our—” Finally his voice broke. “—with our friend. Our dreamy, stupid friend, who was always so much smarter than either of us but who loved us anyway.”

Kelly had to breathe. He had spots in front of his eyes, and he had to… he had to….

With a sob he sank to his knees by his brother’s bed, face pressed against the faded flowered comforter, Matty’s hand in his hair.

“I’m so sorry, little brother. So sorry. Be happy. Please? For me?”

But Kelly couldn’t answer. He couldn’t think. He had his brother back, but he was dying, and Kelly was lost in the pain of being reborn.

AGNES CAMEin not long after that and took Xavier into the other room, quietly, probably expecting not to be noticed. Kelly hadn’t moved, and Matty’s hand hadn’t moved in his hair either. Matty finally broke the silence.

“Man, this was sweet and all, but I need to pee, and believe me, that’s super exciting for both of us.”

Kelly stood and stretched and wiped his face on his shoulder. His brother’s organs were shutting down—his kidneys were at 50 percent. “You had to be fucking dying?” he asked, shifting his brother’s swollen legs and ankles over the side of the bed.

“Yeah. I know. What an asshole.”

“I’m saying.” It took an effort—Kelly had to help Matty to his mother’s toilet and back, even had to help wash his hands. They got him back in bed, and Matty sighed.

“So. You gonna call him?”

Kelly sighed. “I left him in the hospital, Matty. He could barely turn his head. Talk about dick moves.”

“Sorry. My timing was pretty shitty. I know that now.”

There was something facetious in his voice, something of the brother Kelly had loved, that made Kelly smile. “Nowyou know that? You couldn’t have figured that out when Seth was kissing me in the woods?”

Matty reached across the bed and grabbed his hand. “Call him.”