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Chapter Nineteen

Today went about as well as I expected it to. I feel like such a dick. I treated Sabrina like shit all day, hoping I would push her to do my dirty work and breakup with me to save me from doing it. She didn’t take the bait.

I promised Kiesha, but I’m a fucking coward. I don’t like hurting someone I once loved and thought I would one day put a ring on their finger. But life happened. The club and Kiesha happened.

I’m hiding at the clubhouse, getting drunk and avoiding the inevitable when Smoke shows up, looking as lousy as I feel.

“I ended things with Ember,” he confesses to me, his statement shocking the hell out of me since I live with them, and they seemed happier than ever today.

“Are you stupid?”

His gaze cuts me sharper than glass. “You should worry about your own problems. Sabrina’s pregnant.”

Time stops moving. My heart squeezes so damn tight I think it may rupture. “What did you say?”

“Ember told me today.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. This can’t be happening. I was careful.

I’m going to be sick. There was one night a few months back I slept with her. It was wrong and I should never have gone there, but I did. There is no excuse I can make.

I drive to the house we rent with Smoke and Ember in a state of denial. Maybe Smoke is just talking out of his ass.

“I’m pregnant, Jimmy.”

I stare at Sabrina, wondering how in the fuck this is possible. I’ve been careful. She’s supposed to be on birth control. We agreed that having kids wasn’t something either of us were ready for. Not by a long shot.

“Aren’t you going to say something?” She holds my gaze, worrying her bottom lip.

Used to when I looked at Sabrina, my heart was on fire for her. Her brown eyes and dark curls were all I wanted. Now when I look at her, all I feel is guilt and regret.

My stomach drops to my feet, weighting them in place, like a cement block. Fuck. Fuck. “You’re sure? Maybe you’re late.”

“I took a test. See.” She shoves a plastic stick in my direction.

“Could it be a false positive? That happens, right?”

“I mean maybe, but I’ve been having symptoms.”

Two pink lines, and my world comes crashing down. I want to break something, but I won’t hurt Sabrina by reacting in that manner. This is fucked. So fucked. My mistakes aren’t her fault. I never should have slept with her again, but I got jealous and in my head when Kiesha went to prom with Jonesy. I got drunk and slept with Sabrina. It was one time, and I didn’t even enjoy it. I was thinking about Kiesha the whole time.

Now look where that landed me.

“Jimmy,” she presses, twisting her fingers together.

I rub my palms over my face. “I guess we’re having a baby.” I muster a smile, but there’s no real emotion behind it. Life has the worst timing. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to break up with her, not tie myself to her for the next eighteen years. Fuck my life.

“I’m so happy.” She squeals, latching her arms around my neck. Launching herself at me to where I have no choice but to catch her as she wraps her thick thighs around my waist.

A year ago, maybe this news would have hit me differently. I didn’t see a future outside of our small-town life staying at my granny’s. That was before I started prospecting for the Royal Bastards MC. That was before I was assigned to protect Kiesha.

Just the thought of the pink-haired temptress has my blood humming and my cock twitching with desire.

We’re not that far apart in age. She’s eighteen and about to graduate from high school. Which means we wouldn’t have to sneak around anymore.

I feel like a lousy piece of shit. How the hell do I end things with Sabrina now? How do I look her in the eyes and confess that I’ve been fooling around behind her back? That all this time I’ve been using her as a cover. I thought I’d be able to end thing with her in a clean break, clearing my path forward with Kiesha once I make the cut.

“I can’t wait to have our own place and decorate the nursery,” she continues, but I’m not listening.

I’m wondering how I tell Kiesha that I chickened out, and that we got to cool things down until I get my head together. If she finds this out, she’ll not only want to murder me, she could very well go to her uncle and confess everything. Then I really will be dead.

Everything is completely fucked.

“Isn’t this great? Aren’t you happy?”

“I’m still processing.” My response isn’t what she wants to hear. It isn’t a lie. “Guess we’ll be needing a bigger place.”

“Your Gran is going to flip.” She kisses my neck and along my jaw. “God, thinking about you holding our baby makes you so much hotter.”

I fake another smile. “Timing isn’t exactly the best.”

“Well, no. But it motivates us to get started on making things happen sooner. I mean, I don’t expect an engagement ring right away.”

A cold sweat beads across the back of my neck. Marriage. Babies. I’m going to be sick. I know it’s a lousy response, but we’re too young for this much responsibility.

“I know you had your heart set on becoming a patched member. Maybe this is a sign that you shouldn’t. A motorcycle club isn’t exactly the best place to raise a baby.”

“Don’t start nagging me about the club. I’m not quitting.”

“I don’t want to fight. Let’s celebrate.”

I release her. “Babe, it’s late and I’m tired.”

“You don’t want to have sex with me?”

“Of course I do,” I lie. They keep coming. Every untrue word rolling off my tongue as natural as breathing.

It’s all I seem to do lately.

Lie.

Bend the truth.

Twist words.

Hide my emotions.

How can I hide this from Kiesha?

She’s going to hate me.

Though I hate myself enough for both of us.

How did I let it get this far?

Now I’m stuck. If I end things now, I’ll look like a coward who isn’t responsible.

“You sure you’re ready for this?”

“What do you mean? Are you asking me to terminate the pregnancy?”

“No.” I shake my head.

“I thought you’d be happy.” Her soulful green eyes glitter with unshed tears.

“I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“Talk to me.”

The last thing I want to do is talk. I’ll say something that will only hurt her. Instead, I press my lips to hers, trying to pretend that I’m good. That we’re great.

“I love you so much, Jimmy.” She kisses me deeper, and I try to return it but find myself unable to make the effort.

“What’s wrong with you? Are you upset?”

“I just worry that this will be more than we’re ready for.”

“You don’t need to worry so much. We’ll be fine. You’ll make a great dad. I just know it.” She kisses my cheek. “I really need to be with you. To feel close to you. We’ve been so out of sync since we moved in with Smoke and Ember. This is a good thing.”

I nod and force myself to go through the motions she expects. I wrap my arms around her and press my lips to the top of her head. “You’re right. This will bring us closer.” And tear me away from the woman I really love.

“I’m going to make you so happy, Jimmy.”

“I know you will,” I murmur against her lips.

We get ready for bed and as I lay next to her, all I can think about is Kiesha. Just because Sabrina is pregnant doesn’t mean we have to be together. But what’s the point of breaking Sabrina’s heart when Kiesha will never forgive me?

Sabrina senses that I’m still awake, rolling to her side and propping her head up with her elbow. “If there was someone else, you’d tell me, right?”

“Where’s this coming from?”

“We both know things between us have been bad. I really want us to work. To give our baby a family. A real one. A good one. Neither of us had that and I guess I’m saying if there were someone, I’d forgive you. It’d hurt to hear, but I’d accept it if you promised not to do it again.”

“Brina,” I whisper her name softly. The truth weighs on me. This is my chance to tell her everything, but as I lay here looking at her in the pale moonlight, I can’t bring myself to say the words that will shatter her heart.

I do the worst thing I can do. I press my lips to hers and strip off her clothes. I pretend she’s Kiesha as I yank my boxers off and put her hand on my dick. It takes some effort, but eventually she gets me hard enough to fuck her. If she notices that I don’t even get off, she doesn’t bring it up.

Lying to her is easy, but lying to myself is nearly impossible.

I don’t love Sabrina, and I don’t want a baby with her.

I turn my back on her, wishing I could go back to that night I slept with her and take it all back. Hell, if I could rewind time, I’d go back to the second I laid eyes on Kiesha and end it there. Because one look at her and I knew I was in danger. I wanted her then and there.

And now I’ve ruined any shot of being with her. I was so close I could taste it.

I almost had it all.

Almost.