Page 11

Chapter Eleven

I climb into my truck and let it idle for a minute before I head off to the clubhouse to check in and see if I’m needed before I make the drive back home. It’s the weekend and I’m off Kiesha duty unless something else goes down. Prodigy will be with her and her mom for the most part. And it’s not like I can’t use the downtime to get my head on straight. When I’m guarding Kiesha, my mind gets clouded. It’s easy to forget that I’m doing a job and that none of it is real. We’re playing pretend, but the line is becoming blurred.

Then there’s Sabrina. I’ve not gone home in days, and we’ve not spoken since our big fight. I can’t leave things like this between us.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, I spot Kiesha in the window, watching me leave. My thoughts drift back to kissing her and liking the way she looks at me a little too much. Like I’m someone. That in her eyes I’m special. In a way, I thought Sabrina saw me. Thinking of her, my heart tugs in the opposite direction. I never thought I’d find myself torn between two women.

When I started getting serious about prospecting for the club, I was warned about the temptations. I just never expected my temptation to be a pink-haired brat. As I pull up under the familiar security lights at the clubhouse, I know I’ve got a choice to make. A future with the club or the path I was set on with Sabrina. It’s becoming painfully clear I can’t have both.

I step out of my truck and take a deep breath, knowing my choice. It’s just not one I’m prepared to make. I’ve hurt Sabrina a lot these past few months. If we stay together, I’ll keep letting her down.

As I’m walking toward the clubhouse, the front door swings open, and Link is staring at me as if he wants to rip my arms off my body and beat me with them.

“Thought I made myself clear about my niece,” he snarls.

“I’m not sure I know what you mean.”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He steps outside and shows me a picture on his cellphone of Kiesha and me kissing at my truck when I picked her up from school.

“You told me to pretend to date her. That’s what all I’m doing.”

“I never told you to make-out with her on the side of the damn street.”

“Won’t happen again.”

“It better not.”

“Understood.”

“Good. Don’t take advantage of her, is all I’m saying.”

“Never would.” I’m totally fucked and need to fix this. I’ve not been clear with Kiesha because the truth is, I like her. And now I’ve got to let her down easy. She’s fragile and vulnerable and I completely took advantage, even if that was never my intention.

“Go home. Rest up. You’ve earned it.”

“Hey Gran. Do you need anything? I’m on my way home.”

“You might think about some flowers and a card. Maybe a cake. You missed Sabrina’s birthday. I don’t know what’s going on between you, but she’s been crying for days. Won’t come out of the bedroom. Not even for my butter cookies, and you know how much she loves them.”

“All right. I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. She’s upset with me, but we’ll work it out. We always do.”

I end the call, hating that my Gran is disappointed in me. She didn’t say as much, but the judgement was evident in her voice. She loves Sabrina and would love nothing more than for us to get married and have some kids. Hell, if we broke up, I’m certain she’d kick me out and keep Sabrina. She’s like a daughter to her.

I’ve been impulsive and irrational. Selfish even. I just need to find a way to get Sabrina to embrace the club and what it could mean for us. For our future.

I stop off and do as Gran said. I buy Sabrina a cake, flowers, a stuffed animal, a necklace, and a card. Driving home, I anticipate the worst. Each mile feels like a stretch of ten and my heart pounds with every passing light and street sign. By the time I reach my Gran’s place, I’m on the verge of puking. Sweaty palms. Soured stomach. Pounding headache. Racing thoughts. A cold sweat trickles down my spine.

Sabrina had always been the one chasing me. I’ve never had to work hard at our relationship, but then again, I’ve always pretty much gone with the flow. When I walk through the front door, she doesn’t come running to me. The place is eerily silent apart from the ticking of the wall clock. Gran must have gone on to bed to give us privacy. Not that there is much to be had living in a trailer. The walls are paper thin. The only reason it seems like we have some privacy is because the bedrooms are on opposite ends.

“Sabrina?” I call out tentatively, making my way through the living room towards our bedroom. The door is slightly ajar and light spills out, illuminating the short hallway. I knock gently before pushing it open.

She’s sitting on the bed, her back against the headboard with her arms wrapped around her knees. Her hair is a tangled mess and there are bags under her eyes. She glances up at me but doesn’t speak.

“Happy belated birthday.” I place the flowers at her feet along with the stuffed fox, card, and cake. “I’m a shit boyfriend and all I can say is I’m sorry I forgot your birthday.”

She sniffles and picks at some of the rose petals. “I don’t want to fight, but I’m not ready to forgive you.”

“I hate it when we fight.”

“You fucked up.”

I swallow hard. “I know.” I sit at the foot of the bed. “I’d like to promise it won’t happen again, but I can’t do that. If this is going to work, you’ve gotta come to terms with me being in the club. If you can’t, then we can’t be together. I can’t be half in. Doesn’t work like that. Not with the club. Not in a relationship. Don’t ask me to choose because the club will win every time.”

“That’s not fair.”

“It’s what I want. And if you tell me, you can’t be with me, I’ll hate it, but I’ll walk away from us. I was born to be a biker. It’s in my blood.”

“Answer something for me.”

“I’ll try.”

“I need you to be honest. Is there something going on with that girl from the clubhouse?”

“I told you. I’m doing a job for the club. She’s in high school.” It’s not a complete lie, but I can’t tell her that I’ve kissed Kiesha.

Her brows furrow as she stares at me, searching for some telltale sign of a lie. “You swear to me. You swear there’s nothing more?”

I hold her gaze, careful not to break eye contact. “I swear. Nothing more.”

For a long moment, she just studies my face, biting down on her lower lip as if contemplating my words, weighing them against what she feels in her heart.

“There’s nothing to be worried about.” I try to reassure her, forcing a weak smile onto my face. But deep down, guilt is clawing at my heart. Kiesha and her tempting kisses flash in my mind. Heat sears the back of my neck. Her memory calling me a filthy, lying bastard.

“So, you’re telling me there’s nothing between you and Kiesha?” She fixes her gaze on me, eyes sparkling with unshed tears.

“I swear on everything. It’s just club business.” The words taste bitter in my mouth. I can see that she wants to believe me, but she isn’t fully convinced. And why should she be? I’m not even convincing myself. I’m an asshole and she deserves better. Her and Kiesha both do.

She’s silent for a moment before she finally speaks up. “I don’t know if I trust you anymore.”

The words feel like a punch in the gut. I feel the air leave my lungs as I let the weight of her words sink in. I’ve earned her mistrust. My throat tightens, but I say nothing. I knew this was coming. The conversation neither of us wants to have but needs to.

“Jimmy. I love you so much, but you being in the club scares the shit out of me.” Her tears break free, and I hate knowing her tears are because of my actions.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to explain. I understand. I’ll just grab some of my stuff. You can stay here, and I’ll crash with Trenton.”

“Wait. Do you want to breakup? Are you breaking up with me?”

“I thought that’s what you wanted.”

“I’m pissed and hurt, but I’m not giving up on us, Jimmy.”

I should be relieved at her words, but part of me feels as though I’m bobbing right at the surface of the ocean and have to choose if I want to sink or swim. Why does saying I love you feel like an anchor dropping on my head?

“Jimmy,” she prompts, going up on her knees, crushing the roses. “You want to stay together, don’t you?”

The word no hangs on the tip of my tongue and dies there as I meet her worried gaze. “Of course.” I lean forward and kiss her tear-stained lips.

I knock the gifts to the floor and lay her back on the bed to prove to her and myself that she’s the one I love.

Her lips meet mine, frantic yet unsure. A bitter reminder that she’s not the only girl I want to hold in my arms. She’s not the only one I’m hurting. And yet I am up the affection I’m giving her, lying to us both. My hands roam over her body as I whisper my apologies and more lies. What I can’t convince her of with words, I try to convey with my touch what my mouth is failing to say.

Sabrina digs her nails into my back, drawing blood. Desperately seeking the connection we’ve always shared as she cries into my mouth and all I am is numb. There’s no fire. Not on my end. I can’t be with Kiesha, so why does this make me think I’m settling for what’s easy? What’s comfortable. I love Sabrina. I just need to remind myself. I continue going through the motions, peeling her clothes from her body. A body I know every inch of. I know what she craves. Her every desire. I know every secret thought. Every want. I should be able to lose myself in her and not think about someone else, and yet whenever I close my eyes, all I see is pink hair. All I smell and taste is Kiesha’s strawberry bubblegum. Her innocence.

Laying here with Sabrina, I pretend that I’m back in that closet. That the heavy breaths filling my lungs belong to a pink-haired devil.

With every kiss, every touch, I try to convey my sincerity. Pleading with soft words of forgiveness against Sabrina’s skin. She tastes salty from her tears and sweet from her lip balm, an intoxicating mix that makes my head spin because it’s similar to Kiesha’s strawberry taste and yet nowhere near as sweet. Sabrina tangles her fingers in my hair, pulling me closer as our bodies entwine in this desperate dance of regret and hope, love and hurt. Remembrance as she welcomes me back.

“I’m sorry, baby. So damn sorry,” I mutter against her lips. My apology is barely audible over the thundering of my heart beating against my chest. She acknowledges every word. Even the ones I don’t dare speak. Guilt continues to eat at me, but it doesn’t stop me from reclaiming her and fantasizing I’m with someone else entirely. And if she knows there’s someone else, she pretends there isn’t.

Sabrina gives herself to me and I hope tonight that my lies are enough to save us.

Our bodies are joined, but there’s distance between us. The lies I’ve been telling. My feelings for someone else. I’m disconnected from our relationship. And judging by the way she’s staring at me, she senses the truth of it.

Silence stretches between us, our breaths mingling as I continue to dream of another while continuing to fuck her. Trying to convince myself that this is where I should be. Where my heart belongs.

Slowly, her fingers trace patterns on my back, sending shockwaves through my body that have nothing to do with pleasure and everything to do with fear. I could lose her forever. I could lose Sabrina completely if she learns the truth. I’m so damn selfish. Too damn selfish to let it happen.

“I love you. Only you.”

“I believe you.” There’s doubt in her eyes as she looks deeply into mine.

“You sure?” I stroke her jaw, brushing her hair away from her face.

“I don’t know,” she whispers back, and that honesty hits me harder than any rejection.

“It’s okay.” I roll to my back, on the verge of confessing everything.

“Jimmy?” she hesitates.

“What?”

“I’m glad you’re here.”

I wrap my hand around hers, bringing her knuckles to my lips. “Me, too.” Maybe if I whisper the lie enough times, I’ll believe it.

“All I’ve ever wanted is to be with you. You know that, don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“And you want to be with me?” she leans over me, placing her palm over my racing heartbeat.

“You’re the only one for me.”

“Then that’s all that matters.” Her lips press against mine, accepting the lie. “All I wanted for my birthday was this. To be with you.”

“I’m all yours the rest of the weekend.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Good. Nothing else matters as long as we’re together.”

“Always.” I hug her tighter.