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Chapter Eighteen

Time flies when you’re having fun. Jimmy and I have been seeing each other on the down low for months. We both get a thrill out of sneaking around. The danger, secrets, and lies are nearly as addictive as he is. Every time I see him, I get such a rush. Being with him is like a drug.

We see each other every chance we get. I even went as far as making brownies for the club brothers, so I could have an excuse to drop by the gate when he was on duty. But currently it’s been over a week since we’ve been able to get a minute alone. Of course, he’s always texting and calling when he can, but I have the niggling feeling that there’s something he’s keeping from me.

When I ask, he says I’m being paranoid, but I can’t shake this uneasiness. Maybe it’s because we’ve both been busy. Me with finishing high school and him with the club. He’s been working a lot of late nights. It’s hard not to think he’s with her. What if he’s playing us both?

At first, I didn’t mind as much, but the longer this goes on, the more I suspect that he still cares about her.

I’ll see firsthand tomorrow.

The club’s renting out a local theme park for the day. Prodigy invited Mom and me and my little sister now that she’s staying with us. Her mom backslid and is in rehab.

It’s been different having her live with us. But she’s been great for an excuse to get out of the house and sneak off to see Jimmy. I take her to the park and for ice cream. Stuff that’s fun for both of us and gives Mom a break. She’s pregnant and over the moon to be starting a family with Prodigy. I’m happy for them. We all are. Sometimes I drop Kieleigh off with my older sister, Kimber. She knows about Jimmy. She doesn’t agree with what we’re doing, but she keeps my secret. If anyone understands sneaking around with a prospect, it’s her.

I wish Jimmy and I could go together.

It’s not like I won’t get to see Jimmy at the park, but he’s going to be with Sabrina and seeing the two of them together is going to suck. At least I’m graduating in a week and then he’s breaking up with her and we can be together. I just have to tough it out a little longer.

I stare up at the neon star stickers decorating my ceiling, wishing this was all over.

Soon it will be. That’s what keeps me going on nights like tonight when he’s not even sent me a text.

My cell vibrates and I try not to get my hopes up. When I see his name on the screen, my heart blooms.

Call if you’re awake.

I dial him immediately.

“Hey, brat,” he croons, his voice deep and husky.

“It’s late.” I glance at the clock on my nightstand.

“I know, but I needed to hear your voice. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

“I don’t know if I’m going to go.”

“Why?”

“You know why. You’ll be with her.”

“I’m going to end things this weekend. I’d do it tonight if I could, but she’s at work.”

That’s another thing. Sabrina took a job working for my mom at her daycare. I try to avoid seeing her as much as I can. I know she doesn’t like me because she knows we kissed. If only she knew the rest.

“Really?”

“Would I lie to you?”

I chew on my thumb, and he notices my hesitation.

“Kiesha.” He groans. “I don’t lie to you.”

“You lie to Sabrina all the time.” And everyone else, but I don’t vocalize that.

“That’s not fair.”

“You’re right, Jimmy. It’s not. It’s not fair that my boyfriend lives with someone else. It’s not fair that you sleep next to her at night. It’s not fair that I can’t kiss you anytime I want. It’s not fair that you’re probably still fucking her behind my back.”

“Is that what you think?”

“I don’t know.” I sniffle as tears cascade down my cheeks. “I don’t know what to think anymore. I... I just want you. Only you, but I’m a dirty secret that you’re hiding from everyone. It’s not fair to anyone, especially not me.”

“You’re not a dirty secret, Kiesha,” Jimmy says, his voice a whisper. “You’re everything to me. You have to believe that.”

He goes silent for a moment, and I can imagine him running his hand through his hair, frustrated. The echo of his words plays through my mind, filling the silence between us as I contemplate what he’s saying. The sincerity in his voice cools my anger, but it doesn’t erase my doubts completely.

“I want to believe you, I do. But you can’t honestly tell me that there’s not been moments between you. She wouldn’t hold on this long unless you’re giving her hope. I’m not stupid. I pretend it doesn’t bother me. I pretend that you don’t lie next to her at night and sometimes I wonder if you even think of me at all when you’re with her. I want you so bad it physically hurts. Not being with you, truly being with you, is killing me. You’re all I want, and I feel like I can’t have you and am losing you at the same time.” My voice is barely audible now, drowned out by the incessant beating of my insecure heart.

“You think I don’t know that and want the same as you?”

“But just wanting isn’t enough. Words are empty without action, you know?”

There’s a pause on the other end and for a moment, I think he might have hung up.

“Fuck, baby.” He exhales heavily into the phone. “I didn’t mean for this to happen. For us to happen the way that we have.”

I cut him off, “but we did, and now we’re here. In what should be a dream come true. Only it’s not. It’s a nightmare I can’t wake up from.”

“Listen to me, Kiesha,” his tone softens. “I’m going to end it and soon I’ll have my cut. Once I do, it’ll just be you and me. I’ll get an apartment. Us an apartment, if that’s what you want.”

“Promise me you’ll tell her it’s over.”

“Give me the weekend.”

“Put the kitty down. Let’s get your shoes on,” I tell Kieleigh, trying to ignore the sourness churning in my belly. I’m anxious and feel like I’m on the verge of throwing my breakfast up at any minute.

I keep replaying my conversation with Jimmy in my head. I want to believe him more than anything, but that doubtful sensation keeps creeping up. Playing on my anxiety. Like something is going to go wrong. Like somehow the universe wants to keep us apart.

“You girls ready to go?” Mom waltzes into the living room, spritzing her perfume.

“Ready as we’ll ever be.” I plaster a fake smile on for her and tickle Kieleigh under her arms.

Today is going to suck for so many reasons, but I want to make it fun for my little sister. I know she’s missing her mom and maybe even our shitty ass father. She’s a victim of their abuse and I’m glad she’s here, even if it comes with challenges.

Once we get to Camden Park, I can’t stop myself from searching for Jimmy and Sabrina in the crowd of bikers and their families. I don’t see them, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t arrived. They could already be on a ride for all I know. Maybe I won’t see much of them since I know I’ll be delegated to help watch my sister and some of the other little kids in attendance.

“Hey,” Bethany shouts, coming up behind me and I’ve never been more grateful to see her. “Pam brought me. We can be on kid duty together.”

“If we’re lucky, we’ll get to sneak off and ride some rides.” And spy on Jimmy and Sabrina. I want to see how he is with her when he thinks no one is paying attention. I know when they are around the club members he has to pretend to like her, but what if he’s not pretending?

After some cotton candy and winning her blow up cartoon character, Kieleigh is passed out in her stroller. Mom gave me permission to hangout with Bethany and my sister promised to drop me at home later. Operation stalk Jimmy and Sabrina is underway.

Bethany has no idea that we’re following them from ride to ride. She’s just happy to be off babysitting duty. Jimmy hasn’t even spotted us, but I think Sabrina is beginning to notice that we’re always behind them as we move through the line for the water log.

She keeps glancing back at us, and I do my best to pretend not to notice her. After this ride, I need to keep my distance. The last thing I want is for her to confront me or make a scene. Not with more than half the club and their families in attendance.

“You know what? I think I’m thirsty. We should get lemonade and a funnel cake.” I tug on Bethany’s arm, pulling her out of the short line.

“Yeah sure.”

We take our time walking back toward the concession area.

“Are you okay?” Bethany reads me easily.

“Too much sun,” I lie. “I’ll feel better once I have some sugar in me.”

“Well, if you’re up for it, we should ride the Big Dipper again.”

“Sure.” I’ll do anything at this point to get my mind off Jimmy and Sabrina, but that’s easier said than done.

While we’re at the food court, they walk by, seemingly having an argument. Sabrina is practically storming toward the exit for the park and I feel guilty that the sight of her unhappiness boosts my mood. Could this be it? Is Jimmy finally ending things with her?