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Chapter thirty-six

A leap of faith always has a high cliff

Lorilei

Before I can untangle myself from my blanket to rush to the bathroom, the dry heaves push bile up into my throat.

Gagging, I stumble into my tiny bathroom and hover over the toilet.

I’m getting tired of this.

I need to stop crying myself to sleep. It’s making me sick nearly every morning.

A chill works its way down my spine.

No.

Can’t be.

My knees knock against the tiles as I slump before the porcelain bowl.

Please no.

I’m so stupid.

Of course I knew better.

On shaky, weak legs, I push myself up and rinse out my mouth. It’s a struggle not to let my mind race with all of the possibilities.

First things first.

The discount store just on the edge of campus has everything I need.

Ginger ale. Saltines.

And, the test. Well. I get two. The first one might be wrong, right?

With a raised eyebrow, the short, frumpy clerk checks my stuff out.

I have no doubt she’s silently judging me. I probably look like a walking disaster.

Inside, I’m screaming.

Panic, fear, and worst of all, loneliness in this entire process.

The short walk through my dorm building seems to take forever.

I’m dreading this.

It will make it real.

Staring at it doesn’t make it unwrap itself from the thin box.

Sitting on the toilet, holding the little white stick in my hand, doubt rails through me.

What if?

And, why is there a piece of me that hopes there is?

Burying my face in my palm, I force myself to relax enough to pee on the four inch piece of plastic that carries my future in its miniscule window.

There. It can just sit on my counter until the timer on my phone goes off.

Wait. Where is my cell?

Oh, it’s ringing from my purse.

Another bolt of anxiety races through me. Is it Mason?

Should I tell him what I’m doing?

Sophia.

I didn’t expect that. Is she going to yell at me? Finally worked up the nerve to tell me how disgusted she is?

Not now, I can’t deal with that too.

It barely finishes buzzing in my hand when a message pops up on the screen.

Sophia: Dad and I talked. I’m okay with it. Please call me back!

I nearly drop it. Shock freezes me from swiping to answer.

Which is probably fine since it vibrates again in my hand when she calls again.

I can do this.

“Hi?” My voice is shakier than I was hoping it would be.

“Lori! I’m so sorry! Please don’t hate me!” She tumbles out faster than I can respond. “I miss you. I was just surprised, I needed to process. It wasn’t fair of me to be mad!” There’s a whine at the end I’m not used to.

“No, I get it. I wanted to tell you, I just didn’t…um…know how to.” I feel like an ass.

“I was mostly angry at Dad. I didn’t want him to be weird and push you away. But, since he told me how he feels about you—”

I cut her off.

“What do you mean?”

“Well.” She hesitates. “He told me he loved you, and you weren’t going anywhere.”

The floor moves beneath me making my knees feel wobbly.

My stomach rolls again and I feel like I’m going to be sick again.

He loves me?

Wrapping my fingers over the lip of the bathroom sink, the full scope of my life slams over me in a wave.

Picking up the pregnancy test, my mind goes numb trying to process what I’m looking at.

“That’s good, because I’m going to have his baby.”

When I drop my phone, it clicks off in the middle of Sophia’s scream.

He told her he loves me.

Does that mean he won’t be mad?

I have to know.

Snacks and gas in the car, I’m not going to my Friday classes.

Nerves have me stopping twice to pace and puke on the side of the road. With the intermittent service, I don’t even bother checking my phone.

I’m on a mission to look him in the eye and see his reaction.

The driveway is my next turn, but I find myself pulling off the road and turning off my car.

Everything is about to change, somehow.

Will he feel like I forced this? I had every opportunity to ask him about protection.

I let my naivety lead my desires.

How do I feel? I’ve never even really dated before. When is the moment I should know if he’s the one?

The Black Gulch Ranch metal sign swings in a soft breeze as if it’s waving at me.

I guess there’s only one way to find out.

Cranking my engine, I shift into drive, and turn down the gravel lane.