Page 34

Chapter thirty-four

Pouring from an empty cup

Lorilei

Mason: I’m not going to stop trying to check on you until you tell me to

Me: I’m ok. Thank you.

Mason: Miss you, I’m heading out on range but will see if you’re up to talking later?

Am I?

I miss him, too. Is it better to just cut him off? Or, pretend that there’s hope some day?

The tears appear again.

Three days into classes, and every single one I’ve shown up with swollen, red eyes.

My professors probably think I’m high.

Nope, just an absolute wreck.

Each morning I wake up, and I’m not curled up in his arms, it feels like the world crushes me all over again.

This need for him makes my bones ache, as if gravity is stronger without him in my life to lighten my steps.

Why couldn’t I just care less for Sophia? Trample on her emotions and run away with him?

I could be the evil stepmother.

That makes me snort.

She means too much to me. I’d rather take the hurt on myself than force her to hate Mason.

It isn’t fair to either of them.

I’m the one who kissed him.

Damn. Has it already been three hours since my afternoon lecture?

I should eat something, but I’m not hungry. My stomach is in knots, there’s no room for food.

Just the thought of it makes me exhausted.

All I want to do is lie here and, well, be miserable.

A shrill ringing startles me. I must have dozed off.

There it is again. What the heck is that? Tracing the sound, I find an archaic landline in a cubby attached to the wall.

“Hello?” Everyone I know has my cell number.

“Lorilei? You have a visitor.” It’s the nasally voice of the RA for my hall.

He’s a nice kid, but takes his job very seriously.

“I do? I thought it was too late for that?” Glancing at the clock shows me I did nod off. Nearly seven already? I’m not in the mood. One of the girls in my class earlier today was asking about being study buddies.

Please don’t be her.

“It’s your dad.” His sigh is audible through the static filled line.

“What?” My father died a decade ago.

My heart races. “Send him up.”

Sitting on the edge of my thin mattress, I can’t stop my leg from bouncing nervously.

The light knock echoes through the small space making me jump.

I have to focus to keep from hyperventilating as I turn the knob.

It’s him.

Mason doesn’t pause, but leans through the entryway and scoops me against him, hugging me tightly against his body.

“I told you I missed you,” he growls before he tilts his head and presses his lips to mine.

It’s so easy to get lost in him.

His smell, the feel of his muscular embrace. Heat from his body warms the chill that has been in me for days.

Instinct has me digging my nails behind his neck, letting his tongue push between my teeth.

Then logic takes over.

My palms find his biceps, then his chest, and I do the most agonizing thing I’ve ever done.

I pull away.

As long as I live, I’ll never forget the look of pain that flickers over his rugged features.

I did this, to all of us.

“I’m okay,” I whisper. “I can’t do this, though. It was wrong to sneak behind Sophia’s back, and I don’t want to anymore.” Slumping onto my bed, I wrap my arms around my waist, fighting the tears that burn in my eyes.

He pushes the door closed and squats onto his heels in front of me, resting his scalding fingers on my knee. “She knows now. I told her I was coming here.”

My lower lip trembles. “What did she say?”

The corners of his amber eyes crinkle as he winces, then looks down at his knuckles. “Pretty sure she threw something at the back of the door again. She ain’t talking to me.”

His thumb makes small circles over the small ridge of bone sending tendrils of fire into my thighs.

I can’t stop myself from reaching out and tucking an errant lock of his dark hair over his ear beneath his hat.

Everything in me screams to leap forward and smother him with kisses.

No.

My entire life I’ve lived restraining myself. Giving in to impulses would bring explosions from my mother.

She taught me how to force everything down. It was never about me, or what I wanted.

Sophia is my best friend. The only other person besides Mason who’s opinion really and truly matters to me.

His image blurs through my tears. They crest and tickle down my cheeks until the droplets gather with a salty taste in the corners of my mouth.

My leg cools when he stands. “Do you want me to go?”

Tucking my heels against my butt, I draw my knees tightly against my chest before I give the faintest of nods.

His warm breath pours over me as he leans and drops his soft lips against the top of my head. “We’ll get through this. She’ll come to understand.”

I catch his hand as he drifts it up my arm. Cupping his rough palm to my jaw, the first sob rips through me.

I don’t want him to go. But, I don’t want him to stay.

Why is this so damn hard?

The mattress dips as he sits next to me, tugging me back against his chest. I can’t stop the heaving cries that make me burrow under his chin.

He holds me so tight, as if the very universe is trying to rip me away and he’s my only hope.

Because he is.

His fingers thread into my hair and slowly rocks me.

I don’t know how long I pour the grief for my lost friendship into the damp fabric of his shirt.

She invited me into her home, when she needed me most, and I betrayed that trust.

There’s no doubt in my mind that she’s hurt because I lied to her. I should have been honest. If I had just sat down and admitted to her from the beginning, I wouldn’t be agonizing like this now.

I screw everything up.

Gulping down the snot, it mixes with the bile in my empty stomach until it forms a clenching knot.

It makes me too hot and I worry I’ll be sick again.

Pulling away, I sniffle back the last of my tears, wiping my nose with my knuckle.

I’m hollow. There’s nothing left in me.

I glance up and see him clenching his jaw, the short whiskers moving with the starburst of the muscle.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” His voice is a low rumble from somewhere deep in his chest.

I’ll miss that sound.

“I’m sure. We both knew going in it was going to be this way.” Waving my hand doesn’t make the words any lighter. Taking a shuddering breath, I splay my fingers over my thighs and stare down at them. “I-I just need some space. I need to focus on school.”

I can’t look at him.

His kind eyes. The mouth I want to kiss. The lap I want to crawl on and beg him to make me forget this pain.

My bed creaks when he stands. “Just do me one favor, please?” He readjusts his hat.

Looking up at him, he makes my dorm room feel so tiny.

He dominates the space.

“Okay?” I bob my chin in a tiny nod.

“Don’t ignore me. I worry about you. At least let me know you’re safe?” His jaw twitches again. “Or, tell me to fuck off, and I will.” His big hands disappear into the pockets of his snug jeans.

Oh, my heart. That’s the last thing I’d ever want to do.

The real words I want to say get trapped in my throat.

“I promise,” I croak.

The corner of his lip lifts slightly. “Gonna hold you to that.”

When the door latches behind him, I collapse onto my pillow.

I didn’t know I had more tears to shed.