Page 28

TWENTY-EIGHT

BE HAPPY

Natalie

Another sleepless night. That was all I had to look forward to for the past three days.

I’d gone to work on Monday but had taken the following two days off for the Thanksgiving holiday. Which meant I had no distractions and more time than I ever wanted to think.

Everyone at the office could tell something was off, but thankfully no one pointed it out. Instead, they went along as usual, throwing me lingering glances and whispering their theories when they thought I wasn’t listening. It could have been worse.

Worse was coming home to an empty house for the first time in months. When I pulled up and saw Theo’s truck was gone, my heart sank. When I walked into the house, I didn’t even have to walk upstairs to know all his stuff would be gone, too.

That’s what had prompted the one and only call we’d had since everything happened. He wanted to stay away, to give Ryder and me space and time to figure it out for ourselves and hopefully salvage what we could of our relationship.

I hated that I understood, and I hated that it made sense.

I couldn’t breathe without him there. My only comfort was that it seemed to be just as hard on him as it was on me for him to leave.

Ryder went to his dad’s house across town, so I at least knew he was still in the city. I wouldn’t have put it past him to go back to Texas and try to put as much distance between himself and the mess we’d caused.

I also assumed he hadn’t mentioned to Mark why he was staying there since I hadn’t received a phone call from my ex-husband telling me what a shitty person and a shitty mom I was.

I already knew it; I didn’t need my ex to tell me. That would have been the icing on top of a really fucked up cake.

Although I hadn’t been doing much, my body and my mind were exhausted.

Crawling out of bed, I meandered into the bathroom, not stopping to look in the mirror. I didn’t need to look in the mirror to know how awful I looked.

I used the restroom, braided my hair, and found my glasses next to the sink. Ambling through the motions as had become my norm.

I swung the bedroom door open and felt the smallest twinge of excitement for the only thing that I had to look forward to: coffee.

To make matters worse, it was Thanksgiving, and with the way things were going, it would be Caroline and I curled up on the couch with take-out.

It wasn’t until I was halfway down the stairs, lost in thought, that I heard a sound from the kitchen.

Immediately, I froze.

My pulse skyrocketed, and my instinct was to sprint back upstairs. But I stood still and waited to see if I heard it again. A second later, someone cursed, and something clattered to the floor.

My eyes widened, and I was hurrying down the stairs before I knew what I was doing. I hit the third step that always squeaked, and Ryder turned around from where he was standing at the stove.

“Did I wake you up? Sorry, the lid fell when I pulled the pan out of the cabinet.”

“No, umm…” I stuttered, still trying to get my mind around the scene in front of me. “I was already awake. What are you—what are you doing here?” I cautiously walked down the last three steps and prepared for Ryder to vanish like he was a figment of my imagination.

Ryder didn’t respond to my question. He set the frying pan on the burner and turned on the heat, reaching for the butter he’d already pulled out of the fridge. He had that ridiculous apron that had been hanging in the pantry for years tied around his neck and waist and was cautiously moving around the kitchen like he hadn’t grown up here.

“Ryder,” I said through a lump of emotion.

He turned to face me, and I tried to swallow.

“I figured we should talk.”

I nodded and couldn’t find the strength to respond or move or do anything besides freak out and begin to hyperventilate. At least until I knew exactly what he was thinking.

“Do you want to go first, or should I?” he asked, and when I didn’t say anything, he said, “I’ll go first.”

I nodded again because apparently that’s all I could do before I slipped into one of the barstools at the counter. The shaking in my arms and legs made it difficult to position myself in the seat.

He blew out a long breath and stared down at his shoes. There was less tension in his shoulders than there was the last time I saw him, and he didn’t appear as angry. But that wasn’t saying much when the last time I saw him it looked like he was about to rip Theo’s head off.

“Are you happy?” he asked abruptly, and I stilled in my seat.

Completely caught off guard by the question, it took me a second to formulate a response. “I’m happy you’re here,” I said hesitantly, and he was shaking his head before I could finish.

“No, I mean, are you happy…with Theo?”

That made more sense, and I didn’t hesitate to answer the second time. “Yes,” I said with a sigh, and if he heard the longing in my voice, he didn’t react.

Ryder nodded like that was the answer he expected and turned back to the stove. He shut off the heat, and the melting butter in the pan quickly began to cool.

“He texted me,” Ryder said without turning around. “It was a long, kind of chaotic message, but it was…interesting.”

“Interesting? What did it say?”

Ryder shook his head, turning back to me with a small smile tugging at his lips.

“I’m sure he would probably prefer to tell you himself, but I’m glad he sent it. I wasn’t in the headspace to listen to either of you on Sunday, but it cleared some things up.”

“Like what?” I asked again, my voice laced with panic and concern I couldn’t keep contained any longer. I was immensely curious what Theo had told him, but I was more concerned in that moment how Ryder felt about it.

The new emotion in his eyes was unmistakable, which didn’t help my anxiety. But he didn’t keep me hanging for long.

“He’s happy, too. Happier than I think he’s ever been. At least in the time I’ve known him. Not sure if you noticed, but he’s not very emotive.”

I was glad to hear that Theo was happy, it lightened a part of me to know it, but it didn’t tell me much about what Ryder was thinking. And that was what I was most focused on at the moment. I needed to know that my son was okay. That we were going to be okay.

“I’m so glad, but Ryder, I want to know how you’re feeling.”

He sighed, and I held my breath.

“I’ve spent the last three days trying to figure that out. There’s a lot…it’s a lot.”

“I know,” I placated.

“I was so angry and pissed, and then I felt betrayed. I don’t know, it’s a lot to process. This is such a fucked-up situation. My mom and my best friend? How did that even happen?”

I raised my eyebrows in silent question, wondering if he really wanted me to answer, but he shook his head and waved his hand.

“That was very much rhetorical,” he clarified and scrubbed a hand down his face. “I was really upset. Honestly, I still am. The two of you lied to me for months . I feel like an idiot for not having figured it out earlier.”

“How would you have known? You weren’t here. You couldn’t have known. You’re not an idiot.”

“I know, I know, but that doesn’t help anything. Actually, it kind of makes it worse. You both knew you could get away with it since I was eight hundred miles away.”

My heart constricted, and I swiped away the tears that had begun to fall.

“We—it wasn’t like that. I swear. We didn’t want to lie to you. That was horrible and awful, but when it was just us,” I stopped, trying to think of the most diplomatic way of saying it that wouldn’t make Ryder want to puke and storm out of the house. “It was like the rest of the world didn’t exist. He wasn’t your best friend. He was just… Theo. ”

Ryder considered me for a second, and I worried I’d said too much. Gnawing on my bottom lip and picking at my nails, I considered if I could physically stop him from leaving a second time.

“I get it,” he said, surprising the hell out of me. My expression must have belied my shock because he chuckled softly and continued, “That doesn’t mean I’m suddenly over it, but Mom, I can’t deny that you deserve this.”

He braced his hands on the butcher block counter between us and said earnestly, “You deserve to be happy.”

More tears fell, and suddenly, I was holding back relieved sobs.

“I know you tried to hide it from me, but I knew, Mom, that you weren’t happy with Dad for quite a while. Yet you stayed together for me. And I also know that you only got married because of me.”

“It wasn’t necessarily because of you,” I argued halfheartedly.

“It was, but it doesn’t bother me. You were great parents, and I’m honestly glad things happened the way they did. But Mom, you’ve never done anything for you. And as strange and confusing as it is, I know that Theo is that for you.”

“Caroline said the same thing,” I muttered.

“Why am I not surprised?” he asked with a tentative smile.

“And as strange as it sounds, the two of you together make more sense the longer I thought about it. I can’t quite explain it, but you’ve both been through a lot. And you both deserve some good.” He rounded the island and stopped in front of me. “You’re going to have to give me some time. Actually, a lot of time before I fully come to terms with the two of you being together. And I’m still upset that you both lied to me and went behind my back, but I’m never going to stand in the way of your happiness.”

Quickly, I stood from the chair, giving up on wiping away the tears, and threw my arms around Ryder’s neck. He hugged me back, and I started muttering, “ I’m sorry ,” over and over again.

He pulled back and smiled down at me. “I heard your first million apologies, and I know you’re sorry. So, you don’t have to keep saying it.”

I nodded, and he squeezed my arms before returning to the stove and his forgotten pan of melted butter. Somehow, I’d been blessed with the most understanding kid. And I would never take that for granted.

“I’m making your scrambled eggs,” he said, glancing over his shoulder with a smirk. “But better.”

Laughter bubbled out of me, and I felt lighter for the first time in days. He’d already made coffee, and I retrieved a mug from the cabinet directly above the coffee maker as I sniffled and wiped away the last of the tears.

“You wish. My scrambled eggs cannot be made better because they’re already the best.”

He cracked a few eggs in a shallow bowl as I poured my cup of coffee, and I felt like it was all too good to be true. Things were back to the way they were supposed to be.

Mostly.

“We’ll see about that,” he challenged as he retrieved the whisk and got to work.

I sipped my coffee and took a deep breath. I’d thought I’d lost him. I’d thought I’d lost them both.

But he was back. Although Theo was still gone.