Page 26

TWENTY-SIX

WAS IT WORTH IT?

Natalie

The cold, early morning November air whipped around me as I stood on the porch and watched the police cruisers disappear at the end of the street. I barely registered the chill that settled in my bones.

Helpless. I felt helpless and devastated and so confused.

One second, we were cocooned in pure fucking bliss, and in the next, reality was banging down our door. Literally.

I sucked in a shaky breath and tried to calm myself, even with the nervous, relentless pounding of my heart. It wasn’t just my breath that was shaky, my entire body was shivering from the cold and the anger.

I didn’t know what to do. Half of me wanted to immediately follow Theo to the police station and find a way to clear up the obvious misunderstanding that had led them to our home.

Breaking and entering? Attempted arson ? I swore I hadn’t heard them correctly through the bathroom door.

Between working, going to school and spending time with me, Theo didn’t have time for anything else. Even if I thought he had it in him to commit those crimes, he wouldn’t have had the opportunity.

I wanted to take out all the anger brimming inside of me on the piece of shit officer who didn’t attempt to hide his blatant contempt and disdain for Theo. I wasn’t sure how they knew each other, but it was obvious they did.

I wanted to right this wrong for him. But awareness was tugging me back into the house. One tear slipped free, and a second soon followed.

Ryder’s heartbroken, disbelieving expression would forever be imprinted on my memory. The anger that pulsed from him and the confusion that clouded his eyes as he stared unwavering at Theo was torture.

The wind surged again. My teeth chattered at the fresh gust of cold air, and it was that that finally drove me to move.

With an uneven breath, I pivoted and refrained from looking up and around the street. No doubt the police cars had caused enough of a commotion that everyone was curious.

Pushing open the door, the heat hit me. But rather than wrapping me up and soothing my chilled skin, it was thick with tension.

The door clicked closed behind me, but when I turned to walk down the hall, I stopped. Ryder was sitting at the bottom of the stairs. His elbows were braced on his knees, and his hair was fisted in his hands.

Hair that was several inches longer than it was last I saw him. And maybe it was the weight of what he’d just witnessed heavy on his shoulders, but he seemed older too. Much older than twenty-one. And much older than he’d looked the last time I’d seen him a few months ago.

My steps were loud in the silent space, and I walked farther into the house. Everything inside of me was urging me to fix it. To take away the sadness and frustration that was permeating the air around us and emanating from Ryder. But I didn’t know how, especially since I had been the one to put it there.

That thought rocked me. To be the cause of your child’s pain was the last thing any parent—any good parent—ever wanted.

Stopping in front of him, I knew I had to try to remedy some of it at least. The only thing I could do was try to fix it.

“Ryder,” I whispered his name, the shame and guilt heavy in my voice. And like he heard it too, he looked up.

Emotion was swirling behind his blue eyes, which were so similar in color to my own. As I had every time he’d been upset, I could feel his pain like it was my own. It shredded through me in sharp slashes, ripping and tearing me open until I was bleeding with him.

I held my breath and impatiently waited for what he’d say. It was on the tip of his tongue as his eyes brimmed with unshed tears. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and tell him it would all be okay.

But it was a lie. I didn’t know if it would be okay, and my comfort would be anything but comforting to him.

“How long?” he asked through clenched teeth.

Like a coward, I closed my eyes, unable to look at him as I spilled all our secrets. “Labor Day weekend.”

He scoffed, and I opened my eyes to see him stand and pace into the kitchen. He flashed me an incredulous expression as he brushed past. His hands went back to his hair, fisting it tightly before he scrubbed both down his face.

“Almost three months. You’ve been—” He stopped abruptly, cringing like the words physically pained him to say. “You’ve been sleeping together for three months?”

“Yes,” I said quietly. There wasn’t anything else I could say. I wasn’t going to lie to him, and although it hadn’t been exactly three months, we were only a few days short.

He choked out another hollow laugh and nodded, staring through the windows at the back of the house and into our backyard. “I have so many questions, but I don’t think I really want to know the answers.”

I understood that. “You can ask me anything, and I’ll answer it the best I can. Ryder, I’m so, so sorr?—”

He whirled with one hand raised. “I swear to God, Mom, if you apologize right now, I’m leaving. I come home to surprise you yet I’m the one that’s in for the surprise of a goddamn lifetime.”

“This isn’t how any of this was supposed to happen. I swear, we…god, we did not want it to happen like this.”

“So, you’re speaking for both of you now? I guess Theo can’t speak for himself since he just got toted off in fucking cuffs.” He gestured toward the front of the house with a dismissive wave.

“Whatever that was is wrong, he didn’t?—”

“You don’t think I know that, Mom? He’s my best friend,” he said with a sigh. “At least I thought he was,” he added, and another tear slipped free. If we couldn’t fix this, if it ended up tearing the two of them apart, that would forever be my biggest regret.

“I’m so—” I began, but Ryder shot me a sharp look. All I wanted to do was tell him how sorry I was, but he didn’t want to hear it.

“What are you so sorry for? Sorry that you did it? Or are you sorry that I found out? Maybe you’re sorry that you’ve both been lying to me for three months?”

Throwing caution to the wind, I began speaking a mile a minute, trying to explain the best I could while he was still listening.

“I’m sorry that we lied to you. I’m sorry that I hurt you. It was the very last thing I wanted to do, and it wasn’t intentional,” I pleaded with Ryder as he circled the island and planted his hands on the butcher block surface like he needed the help standing. I stood on the other side and hoped he was hearing me. “I wanted to find a way to tell you that didn’t involve you walking in on what you did. I understand how fucked up this is, and I’m just so, so sorry. And I love you so much.”

He straightened, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and I sucked in a stuttered, broken breath at the resolute indifference reflected back at me.

“That’s all great, but you still did what you did. And I don’t think I can have this conversation right now.” His voice was flat, and he turned. He swept his keys off the counter and stalked to the front door.

“Wait, Ryder. Please don’t leave. Just…talk to me.” I rushed after him but stopped in my tracks when he threw open the front door with all the anger I knew was stewing just beneath the surface.

Cold air rushed inside, and I wrapped my arms around myself again. Hiding from the cold and trying against all else to keep myself together.

He slammed the door, and I hurried toward it. I pulled it open and stepped back out onto the porch.

“Do not follow me.” He turned and seethed the warning through his teeth.

I stopped, knowing that space was likely exactly what he needed at that moment. He’d always been like that—needing space to think through a problem before coming to terms with it or settling on a solution.

That space scared me, though.

His next words pierced through me, impaling my heart with their weight and sadness.

“I hope it was worth it,” he said before continuing to his car and slamming the door behind him. He sped off down the street, and I was yet again left alone on my front porch.

Anger at myself, at the situation, at the cruelness of the fucking world made me push hard back through the front door.

“ I hope it was worth it .” Those potent words rang through my head once again and debilitated me completely. Unable to stand any longer, I slumped onto the stairs behind me and dropped my head into my hands. The sobs I could no longer hold back rocked my body.

My heart had been severed. Ryder held one half and Theo the other.

Ryder didn’t come back.

I sat on the stairs for a while, crying and feeling sorry for myself, before I found the strength to take a shower and get ready for the day.

After I’d gotten myself together, I called the only other person in the world I could talk to. Caroline picked up on the third ring and talked me off the very precarious ledge I found myself on.

I didn’t fully believe her when she told me that everything would be okay and that I hadn’t royally fucked up my entire life or my relationship with my son, but it was nice to hear someone say it. Especially with as much conviction as she held in her voice.

I tried to heed her advice and give Ryder a little space, but I was worried, and I could only wait so long before I gave in and called him. When it rang twice and went to voicemail, I knew he was purposely ignoring me.

Then I proceeded to call the police station and anywhere else I could think of to find information on Theo. I hit dead end after dead end. And rather than sit around and wait in a house that was haunted with new, chaotic memories, I got in my car.

I stopped to see Caroline, who was acting suspicious, until I realized she was hiding a man in her bedroom. I left promptly after that, not wanting to ruin her fun with my own disasters.

Driving around aimlessly was how I ended up at the police station, sitting in the parking lot for almost an hour, staring at the front door before I found the courage to walk inside.

The interior was sparse and decorated in various shades of brown and beige. It was dull. The only welcoming aspect was the heat they were pumping through the place.

“Can I help you?” the officer behind the counter asked as I approached.

“Umm…I’m looking for?—”

“Mom.”

I whipped my head from left to right until I found Ryder seated in one of the wooden chairs lining one side of the station. Cautiously, like I was approaching a wild animal, I walked over to him and took a seat.

He didn’t look up, continuing to stare unwavering at the linoleum floor beneath his shoes. He looked tired and worn down. His hair was mussed like he’d been running his hands through it all day, and his shoulders slumped.

“How long have you been here?”

He settled back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. Blue eyes glanced at me quickly before he returned his attention to the receptionist’s desk across from us. It was busy, people bustling in and out and talking loud enough that I almost didn’t hear him.

“A while.” He took a deep breath, and his head rested on the wall behind him. “They said he’ll be out”—he glanced down at his watch and back toward the hallway where I assumed Theo would walk out—“any minute now.”

I nodded, prepared to let him lead the conversation or not talk at all. But I couldn’t stand to sit there in silence when there was so much to say. “Ryder, I?—”

He held up his hand, effectively cutting me off, and took another deep breath. He dragged his hand down his face and through his hair before he leaned forward. Bracing his elbows on his knees, he looked at me.

“Mama, when I tell you I can’t do this right now, I mean it. I cannot talk to you about this right now.”

Mama. I’d been Mom since he was at least ten. But Mama was reserved for the few times he was serious or when he was upset. The times when he really needed me. The smallest amount of relief, of hope, welled inside me. Unshed tears clouded my vision, but I heeded his tone and sat back, prepared to wait in tense silence for as long as it took.

Several minutes passed without either of us saying a word. Thirty minutes later and the station wasn’t nearly as busy as it had been. My knee bounced, the nerves having no other place to go, and I peered over at Ryder to see his leg bouncing just the same.

Like mother, like son . The thought was almost enough to make me smile. But my attention was quickly split when Theo appeared at the end of the hallway.

I think I stopped breathing. Neither Ryder nor I moved as Theo walked toward us.

Out of my peripheral, I saw Ryder’s eyes pinging back and forth between me and Theo, and I knew he was observing every reaction, movement, and expression. Aware of the anxiety rolling off my son, I sat still.

Until I saw the angry red cut on Theo’s forehead and was immediately out of my chair. Heart racing, I met him halfway and stood on my toes to get a better look at the injury. It had been bandaged, but not well, and was deep enough that I thought it might scar.

Feeling Ryder’s eyes on my back, I stopped short and refrained from reaching out to Theo like I was itching to. “Are you okay?”

His downcast eyes flashed to mine for a second before he nodded. Ryder stepped up behind me and cleared his throat. Theo’s eyes darted around the nearly empty police station as he shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Not in here,” he muttered.

Over my shoulder, Ryder jerked his head to the door leading outside. He didn’t wait to see if either of us followed.

The jacket I’d grabbed quickly on my way out of the house wasn’t enough to protect me from the harsh November night. And absolutely didn’t help me against Ryder’s cold stare.

A few feet away, Theo should have been shivering. He wore only the T-shirt and jeans he’d been able to grab when he was escorted from the house. But he wasn’t shivering. He stood stock-still, unfazed by any of the harshness surrounding us.

I wanted to move closer to him. My fingers longed to reach out to him and really make sure he was okay. Not just physically but emotionally, mentally, everything.

Ryder paced back and forth in front of us. Hands clenched and face marred in a permanent scowl, he stopped suddenly, still looking down at the ground. “Since Labor Day?” he asked.

“Let’s go home. We can talk there,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.

“No.” His answer was immediate, with no space for argument. “I’ve had all day to think about this ”—he waved his hands in front of him like he couldn’t come up with a word to describe us —“and I want answers from him, too. Now, when did this start?”

“Labor Day,” Theo answered smoothly.

“Labor Day,” Ryder repeated and scrubbed a hand down his face. “Labor Day. You waited an entire two weeks before pursuing her? Wow, I’m honestly shocked, Theo.”

“Ryder—”

Like he’d done to me, Ryder immediately cut Theo off, but this time, it was with just one menacing look. “Breaking and entering? Attempted arson? How did that happen?”

Still stoic and straight-faced, Theo answered quickly and succinctly. “My mother accused me of breaking into her house and then trying to burn it to the ground. They questioned me all day, kept me in a holding cell, in a room for questioning, but it didn’t take them long to corroborate my alibi and confirm…where I was last night.”

“They would’ve asked you for your alibi before arresting you.”

Theo shook his head. “Not when the cop has been gunning for my ass since I was seventeen. And is now dating my fucking mother. He wasn’t going to ask a single question before carting me in here. He’s been dying to see me in cuffs again for years.”

“It’s the same cop?” I asked.

Theo nodded solemnly, again without looking at me, and I sighed. That story had stuck with me long after he’d spoken it. Of the cop arresting him for trespassing while sleeping in the abandoned house and again while he was sleeping in his car because he might have resembled someone who’d just burglarized a nearby business.

Uncaring of the reaction it may have drawn from Ryder, I stared daggers into the side of Theo’s face. My eyes bore into him, and I pretended like if I tried hard enough, I could will him to look at me. Or to at least acknowledge my presence with more than a shallow nod of his head.

“So, I guess you really got to know each other then?” Ryder surmised from my question.

Behind us, a couple, the woman crying in the man’s arms, walked out of the police station. Ryder stepped out of their way and gave them an apologetic smile, and it was more proof that this was not the ideal location for this conversation.

Not that anywhere else would’ve been great, but there were at least places that were better.

“We…I…” I stuttered, unsure if I could really say “we” anymore. Or if I ever could.

I stepped forward. “Let’s go home and do this. We will tell you everything you want to know. Whatever questions you have, we’ll answer. But I don’t think?—”

“No!” Ryder whipped toward me, raising his voice in a way I hadn’t expected or had ever heard. My immediate reaction was to tense. Automatically, I took a step back and nearly ran into Theo, who moved past me.

There was instant regret in my son’s eyes, but Theo didn’t stop.

“Ryder.” Theo’s voice was even, but I watched the muscle in his back flex through his thin cotton T-shirt. There was anger quietly thrumming just below the surface, and if we weren’t careful, I worried they’d both explode. “I know emotions are high, and you’re hurt. But you’re not going to speak to her like that.”

My heart tumbled through my chest. Falling and expanding all in one swift movement.

Hearing the protectiveness in Theo’s words was the acknowledgment I’d craved, but I knew Ryder’s actions were a product of the tense situation. Like Theo said, emotions were high, and everyone was on edge.

Tears that I’d held back since I’d stepped out of my car were stinging the backs of my eyes. I was so fucking stupid to have put any of us in this situation. Stupid and selfish. An award-winning combination.

“I thought I was ready to have this conversation, but…I don’t think I can.”

Ryder took one step back and then another.

“Ryder, please don’t,” I pleaded, worried that if he walked away again, I wouldn’t know the next time I’d see him.

“Ryder,” I said again. But his long legs ate up the short distance to his car.

I didn’t have a chance of stopping him. My kid was hard-headed and headstrong. He’d made the decision to go, and so that’s what he’d do. But that didn’t mean I didn’t still try to persuade him not to.

“I’ll…” he began to say as he opened the door. But he didn’t finish his sentence.

He’ll, what? See me later? See me at home? Never fucking speak to me again? The possibilities and their implications were endless.

The sound of his door slamming made me flinch. And those tears I’d held back readily began to fall. The engine turned over, and he backed out of the spot. A few seconds later, he was out of sight. I sniffled and barely kept myself from falling to the ground.

I watched the parking lot where Ryder’s car had disappeared for several long seconds before I pivoted. Theo hadn’t moved a muscle. His eyes stared blankly at the spot where Ryder once stood, an emotionless mask deforming his features.

One slow step closer and then another, and the honey-colored eyes I’d begun to associate with warmth and humor and lust and dirty desires were all but dead. Hollow and vacant.

I didn’t register the sleek black truck pulled to the curb a few feet away until the man behind the wheel rolled down his window. I wasn’t sure how, but I knew the older man with a salt-and-pepper beard and tattoos covering every inch of his exposed skin was Robbie.

“You called Robbie,” I muttered the observation.

I wasn’t sure what I expected him to do. He’d been dragged from my bed early in the morning while my son, his best friend, watched on in surprised horror. He’d been sitting in a police station all day, being questioned for a crime he didn’t have the opportunity to commit and stewing over the events of that morning.

And I was the cause of it all.

I knew that wasn’t necessarily true—his mother was to blame, but I felt the weight of the secret I’d been keeping on my shoulders.

“She confronted me yesterday,” I said, trying to wear a stoic mask that mimicked his for at least as long as it took me to get the words out. But it didn’t work, and a stray tear slipped down my cheek.

That broke him out of his trance, and he finally looked at me. A deep furrow wedged between his brows, he shook his head. “What?” he asked.

“Your mom told me that she knew what we’d been doing, and if I didn’t kick you out last night, she’d tell Ryder. Or make our lives miserable. She said you’d been pulling away from her, and I was the issue.”

Theo scoffed and didn’t seem half as surprised as I expected he would be. Which was a testament to the lengths his mother would go. “I’m sorry she confronted you.”

“It’s not your fault.”

Theo didn’t like that response and let loose a derisive laugh as he tugged at his messy hair. He shivered like he finally realized the windchill was nearing twenty and looked at Robbie’s truck. Robbie was patiently waiting in the driver’s seat, the window partially rolled down and music humming from the speakers inside.

Still staring at the truck, I didn’t see or hear Theo step toward me until he was a few inches away. I tilted my head back and watched his eyes grow distant once again. He was looking at me, but his mind was miles away. Tender fingers brushed away my tears, and his warm lips pressed against my forehead.

My eyes closed against the sensation, but it was gone the next second.

By the time I’d opened my eyes, he was sliding into the passenger seat of that stupid black truck, and Robbie was giving me an apologetic look I wanted nothing to do with.

I felt behind me and dropped onto a metal bench as the truck pulled away from the curb. I was keenly aware of the cold air seeping through my jacket and into every part of me. I knew I should go to my car and crank up the heat and then drive home to my warm, empty house. But I couldn’t move just yet.