Page 20

TWENTY

DEAD OR ALIVE

Natalie

Theo breathed deeply, likely inhaling the scent of sweat and sex stuck to my skin, but it didn’t seem like he minded. He took a second deep breath before climbing off the bed.

“I’ll be right back,” he stated. “Don’t move.”

And honestly, even if I wanted to, I didn’t think I could have. My body felt lightweight yet exhausted. I heard him walk into the bathroom, and water began running before my bedroom door opened and quickly closed. But all I could do was stare up at the ceiling and watch the fan spin idly.

My brain was still foggy, and a rogue tear spilled free, but I couldn’t contain the faint smile on my face.

Theo was back before I’d even fully registered he’d left. He hooked an arm under my thighs and another around my upper back, easily lifting me from the cloud-like bed. He carried me into the bathroom and over to the tub that was already filling with water. I wasn’t much of a bath girl, instead preferring the dark and cozy shower, but the smell wafting up from the water drew me in.

Carefully, he set me on uneasy legs and bent down to test the water. The only light in the bathroom was a small lit candle between the sinks and the faint light streaming in from my closet.

Theo was still naked, his toned and tattooed back and powerful thighs on display as he knelt.

“What did you put in the water? It smells amazing.”

He smiled and stood, holding one of my hands as I stepped in, the warm water sloshing around my legs.

“It’s eucalyptus epsom salts. I’m sure you’re going to be sore, so hopefully this helps.”

“That’s umm…” I cleared my throat, trying to dislodge the emotion clogging it. One act of kindness, and I was lost for words. “Thank you,” I finally said as I dropped into the water. It was the perfect temperature, not too hot and definitely not cold.

I scooted forward slightly and glanced over my shoulder before I looked back up at Theo. Immediately understanding my silent invitation, he slid in behind me and gathered my hair in his hands. He awkwardly tied it up with a scrunchie, and I smiled at the gesture.

The bathtub was just big enough for the two of us. His muscular thighs cradled my own, and I leaned back into him. My head rested against his shoulder, and his arms wrapped around me.

I stuck my feet under the water as it continued to fill, and we sat there in companionable silence. Theo’s hands ran over me, massaging every muscle he could touch without jostling me around too much.

The only word I could use to describe it was perfect.

“How do you feel?” he whispered into my hair.

I shut the water off with my toes and leaned farther back into him. “So good,” I said as he ran his fingers over my breasts, brushing over my sensitive nipples that he’d nipped and pinched and lathered with attention only minutes before. “How do you feel?” I asked.

He chuckled at my question and kissed my temple.

“Fucking incredible,” he said simply, then added, “and exhausted.”

“Me too,” I groaned and sank deeper into the water. “But it’s a good exhaustion. I feel so…”

“Well-fucked?” he supplied.

“I was going to say used, but I like well-fucked better,” I said with a laugh.

He was quiet for a moment, massaging my hips with an expert touch. “I didn’t go too far?” he asked in a voice that was barely above a whisper and laced with concern.

“Just far enough.”

“Good. I was worried when I saw the tears.”

“You loved the tears,” I said with a smile, covering his hand on my hip with my own.

“I did,” he said, tightening his hold on me. “But there was a moment of concern.”

“I trust you.”

Theo stilled behind me, and I felt every one of his muscles tense. I turned slightly and peered up at him, only for his attention to stay fixed on his hand beneath the water where he held me. I smoothed the deep furrow in his brow with my thumb and let my hand fall back down his chest.

When his eyes finally met mine, I knew there was something more going on in his head. The man I once thought was aloof and guarded had lowered his walls around me. He was so much easier to read now. And I was so lucky to know him.

I didn’t want to ask for fear that it was something I’d done or said that made him suddenly retreat back into himself. But he didn’t leave me hanging for long.

He sighed, his chest rising and falling underneath my palm as he glanced back down. “My mom stopped by the studio tonight.”

I straightened and turned until both of my legs were draped over one of his, and I sat awkwardly in the tub. “What did she want?”

“The same thing she always wants: money.”

His hand came to rest on my knee, and I could feel the way the short visit from his mom had affected him. It was no wonder he’d come into my room ready to dole out a punishment. A punishment I loved, but that was beside the point.

He’d been impatient, nearly feral when he walked in. I didn’t believe that it was his main goal to use me to escape his reality, but it was likely still an unconscious decision. And I was okay being that for him. We’d escaped into each other a lot over the past two months.

“Did she tell you why?”

He shook his head, and I could tell there was more he wanted to say. Rather than try to pull the information from him, I laid my head against his shoulder, and he wrapped his arms around me. He pressed a kiss to my hair and inhaled before he settled deeper into the quickly cooling water.

“She never tells me why,” he finally said. “She just shows up and thinks that because I’m her flesh and blood that I’ll give her whatever she wants. She thinks that the only argument she needs is to remind me that she’s my mother. It worked up until a couple months ago, and she’s having a hard time taking ‘no’ as an answer. I’m worried she’s going to rely on lesser methods when she gets too desperate. Like last time.”

“Like last time?” I asked tentatively.

My hands brushed over the top of the water. Patiently I waited for him to expand, or better yet, hoped that he would. He hadn’t opened up again about his issues with his mom. The last time he’d said anything about it was also the first and only time he had. It was killing me not to know the entire story, but I’d tried my best not to pry.

“She broke into my house,” he finally said with a long sigh. “She stole literally everything I owned that was worth more than a hundred bucks. She stole a bunch of my roommate’s stuff, too. Laptops, TVs, even our coffee maker—she took it all. That’s…that’s why he kicked me out. I would’ve probably done the same in his situation, but I didn’t call the cops on her. I just paid him back for everything she stole, and in return, he didn’t call the cops either.”

It was everything I could do to stifle my initial reaction. I wasn’t usually the violent type, but the anger that flashed through me was swift and brutal.

“I told her that I wouldn’t call the cops if she stayed out of my life for good. She obviously didn’t think I meant that.”

“That’s how you ended up…”

“Here?” he finished for me, and I nodded.

“Yeah, I spent pretty much my last dollar trying to keep her out of jail. If I could go back, though, I would’ve called them. No matter how many times I tried to help her, she always comes back asking for more. I thought…” He shook his head and chuckled dryly. “I thought that after not turning her in and letting her take our shit, she would leave me alone at least for a while. But three months later, she’s back for more. Unfortunately, I don’t have any more to give.”

The hurt and betrayal clouding his eyes and weighing heavy on his shoulders was too much. With a deep breath, I laced our fingers together and stared at our intertwined hands as I found the confidence to say exactly what was on my mind.

“I’m so sorry that you had to go through all of that, but…I’m not sorry that it led you here.”

My heart was suddenly trying to beat out of my chest as I focused on where my legs were slung over Theo’s. The details of his tattoos were distorted by the water, but it was something to focus on rather than the significance of my words or the weight of his silence.

It was the closest either of us had come to saying that maybe the thing between us was more than just sex. It was a topic we’d done well to steer away from, yet I felt like I’d nose-dived straight into it.

Just when the panic was beginning to set in and I was prepared to start rambling, Theo’s hand brushed against my cheek. His forefinger hooked under my chin, and he tilted my face until our eyes locked. His lips were only slightly tilted, yet there was enough of a smile in his eyes to ease my worries. His thumb brushed against my jaw before he leaned down and pressed his lips against mine. Without words, he’d told me he felt the same. Because that’s all it took with us.

It was a brief kiss, and I found myself chasing his lips when he pulled back. He chuckled, and I rolled my eyes. His hand shifted and tightened around the side of my neck.

“Roll your eyes at me again, and there will be a less pleasurable punishment in store.”

Even after thirteen orgasms and hours of nearly painful pleasure, a thrill shot through me. I shivered at the intensity of it and leaned into his touch.

“I think you like watching me come too much to make it not at least a little pleasurable.”

His wet hand fisted in the back of my hair and yanked hard enough for my head to snap back. His teeth dug into my lower lip, and the moan that ripped from my throat was uncontrollable.

“I love watching you come. And lucky for both of us, you like the pain just as much as you like the pleasure.”

Another shudder rocked through me, but it wasn’t only the desire that made my body shake.

“Water’s cold. Come on,” he murmured against my mouth with another kiss. He stood, pulling me up as well and wrapping a towel around my shoulders before he began to drain the water.

I stepped from the tub and ran the towel down my legs and over my stomach as Theo came up behind me. In one swift movement, he lifted me into his arms and walked back into the bedroom.

“You know I am capable of walking, right?”

“I never doubted that. But I…I like having you in my arms.”

He kissed my forehead, and I didn’t even have time to react to his sweet words before he dropped me on the bed. I bounced off the mattress with an uncharacteristic giggle, the blankets tossing up around me.

“Get comfortable. I’ll be right back,” he instructed and sauntered toward the door, one of his hands holding up the white towel draped around his waist.

He left the door slightly ajar, and I leaned over, tossing my wet towel back into the bathroom, and found Theo’s shirt discarded on the floor along with the panties I’d been about to put on when he’d barged in earlier. I pulled on the panties and threw the shirt over my head, pressing the collar to my nose as I settled back into the pillows. My exhaustion was bone deep, and I was more sore than I ever remembered being, but I wasn’t ready to go to bed. I wasn’t ready for our night to end.

I found the TV remote buried under the blankets and turned on the mindless show I’d fallen asleep to the past few nights. I was about to snuggle deeper into the bed when Theo pushed open the door. The towel around his waist had been replaced by a pair of gray sweatpants, and he held a bowl in each of his hands.

“I thought you might have fallen asleep already,” he said, smiling and kicking the door closed behind him. I sat up, his T-shirt pooling around my waist as he crossed to the bed and placed both bowls in front of me.

One was full of freshly popped popcorn, the scent of which hit me before he set the bowl down, while the other was filled with M&M’s. It was my favorite late-night snack, and it was one that Theo had quickly grown to love as well.

Or at least tolerated because of me.

“What are we watch—oh, not this again,” he groaned, lying down next to me.

I scoffed and grabbed a few pieces of popcorn and a couple of M&M’s, creating the perfect salty and sweet bite.

“You were invested the other night. You can’t pretend like you don’t care now,” I argued.

He popped a piece of popcorn in his mouth and pushed his unruly curls back as he looked up at me. “That’s my issue: I got too invested, and now, I care too much. I dreamed about it for the past two nights.”

With a hand over my mouth, I tried to suppress my laughter but ended up choking on a piece of popcorn. I laughed and coughed as I downed the rest of the water from the bottle on the nightstand nearest me.

Theo’s expression was unimpressed, but I didn’t miss the way the corners of his mouth ever so subtly tilted upward.

“What was the dream? Were you one of the contestants?” I asked, then quickly added, “Wait! Did you get kicked off the first round?”

He scoffed and threw a piece of popcorn at me, which I skillfully caught in my mouth.

“We were both on the show except you didn’t pick me, and since I didn’t pursue anyone else, yeah, I went home week one.”

My eyebrows shot to my hairline as my hand froze mid-air in front of my mouth. Theo turned back to the TV, leaning his weight on his elbow, his forearm brushing the exposed skin of my thigh as he shifted.

I wasn’t usually someone who searched for a bigger meaning in everything. It wasn’t a sign from God when I got stuck at a red light, and it wasn’t the universe trying to tell me something when it rained and I had somewhere to be.

But dreams were different. Dreams were a direct line to a person’s subconscious. Which made me think Theo’s subconscious was, what? Worrying?

“I also only spoke in weird accents and refused to wear any pants, which probably contributed to why you didn’t choose me.”

He laughed, and I finally ate the popcorn I’d been holding.

“Even if you were speaking in different accents, I still would’ve chosen you. And the no pants thing probably would’ve helped your cause.”

“Are you saying my dick is my best quality?” A playfulness I’d grown fond of and saw more and more of lit his eyes as a small, coy smile lifted his lips.

I was so used to seeing that side of him—playful and flirty—that I sometimes forgot that it was a side of himself he reserved only for me. Or so he said, and honestly, I hadn’t seen anything to the contrary. He was still gruff and stoic and quiet, but when we were alone, he was freer.

I pursed my lips and narrowed my eyes like I was really considering it. which made him scoff. He turned away, acting offended until I ran my nails through his curly hair and across his scalp. Instantly, his shoulders relaxed, and his head dropped onto my thigh.

“It definitely doesn’t hurt that you have a really nice dick and you know how to use it,” I murmured, settling back deeper into the pillows. “But I wouldn’t say that’s your best quality.”

He chuckled and moved the snack bowls to my other side so he could settle between my outstretched legs with his head against my lower stomach. His arms wrapped around my left leg, and my hands went to his hair once again.

Our conversation continued. We talked about the absurdity of the show, and Theo told me about his classes and his clients. I told him about my conversation with Ryder and how he wouldn’t be coming back for Thanksgiving.

No matter how hard I tried, there was no hiding the disappointment in my voice. Theo lifted his head and peered back at me. There was a softness in his brown eyes that saw right through me.

“I’m sure he didn’t make that decision lightly.”

I nodded and shifted until I was lower on the bed, my head cushioned against the pillows. Theo moved until he was lying next to me. He tugged me into his side, and I threw one of my legs over his waist. I tucked my face into the crook of his neck and breathed in the faint eucalyptus scent still clinging to his skin. The scruff along his jaw brushed my cheek, and I sighed contentedly as his hand found the hem of his T-shirt I still wore and began caressing my bare skin.

Goose bumps instantly pebbled my skin from head to toe.

“But without Ryder at Thanksgiving, that just leaves more for us. And…” His words trailed off as his other hand gripped my leg and pulled it tighter across his waist. “I already know what I want for every single course.”

The very tips of his fingers trailed over my skin, closer and closer to the edge of my panties. He slipped two fingers underneath the thin fabric, making it known exactly what he was thinking about “eating.”

I chuckled and pushed his hand back down my leg. He returned my laugh and kissed my hair as he tightened his hold on me.

“Maybe I’ll be ready then, but I can’t even think about you going anywhere near—” I motioned to the lower half of my body, and I felt his chest rise and fall quickly with laughter.

“Kissing your pussy better worked pretty well last time,” he murmured into my hair.

And although I didn’t think it was possible, my body reacted to his words, especially when memories from the last time he used that method bombarded me. I readjusted on his lap, and of course he didn’t miss my reaction or the movement.

He chuckled and I shook my head.

I trailed my fingers over the ink covering his chest, as I’d grown used to doing. I outlined the shapes and detailed art permanently inked into his skin with intrigue and fascination.

“I can’t believe I’ve never asked you about your tattoos before,” I murmured against his skin, finding a particularly sensitive spot against his ribs. He squirmed, moving my hand back safely to his chest, and I laughed at his ticklishness.

“Which ones do you want to know about?” Theo asked.

I tapped my fingers over his chest, eyeing each tattoo carefully. “All of them.”

“That would take forever. And some of them are random—they don’t all have a bigger or special meaning.”

I traced the intricate mane of a lion that was inked on his left pec, its mouth wide and teeth sharp. “This one?”

“Mmm,” Theo mused, glancing down at the tattoo and rubbing his palm over the artwork. “This was my very first tattoo actually. Robbie designed it and tattooed it. I couldn’t give you the exact reason he had for choosing it, but he said it reminded him of me.”

“That’s a huge tattoo for your first,” I said.

Theo shrugged and settled further into the bed, kissing the top of my head. “It hurt like hell, and sitting there for that long was miserable, but most of the others were easy compared to it.”

I ran my fingers along his collarbone and over a pair of broken, battered wings spanning the width of his upper chest before I picked a tattoo on his side. It was a small, empty birdcage, the metal bars of which were bent and broken in some places. “This one?”

He peered down, lifting his arm for a better view, and smiled softly. “That one’s random. It was something I sketched early in high school and thought it would be a badass tattoo.”

Lower down on his hip, there was a snake that began at his back and twisted over his side and down his leg, wrapping around his right thigh. The scales, the shading, it all must have taken hours to complete.

But it was the one next to the snake that caught my eye. Just above the band of his sweats was a pig with wings wearing a top hat. The tattoo couldn’t have been more than an inch and a half big, and there were so many other tattoos surrounding it that I’d somehow never noticed it before. Laughter bubbled out of me, and I motioned to it. “Why?” was all I could manage to ask.

Theo sighed and shook his head. “I lost a bet. And one of the apprentices at the time asked when he would be able to tattoo me, and I made the mistake of saying, ‘when pigs fly.’ So, when I lost the bet, he got to decide what I got. Hence the pig with fucking wings on my body for the rest of my life.”

I giggled again. “Hence.”

I suppressed the yawn that was clawing up my throat as I remembered one of my favorite tattoos on his arm. I wiggled out from underneath his hold and examined the outside of his bicep.

The only light in the room was streaming in from the bathroom, and under the partial darkness, the ink was even more insidious and unnerving.

Half of it was a skull, the cheekbone and jawline sharp and stark, while the rest of it was hollow. The shading in the space where its eye should have been was so deep and dark that it looked like it went on forever. A black hole with nothing on the other side.

The other half of the art was a human face. The top of the face was mostly normal, apart from the scars and cuts set above an eye that was similarly empty. But the bottom half was melting away. The skin dripping and tearing below the cheekbone until it altogether disappeared.

The tips of my fingers danced over the ink, and Theo sucked in a sharp breath. My eyes met his, and I opened my mouth to apologize, thinking I might have nicked him with my nail. But he was staring down at the tattoo, lost in thoughts I knew were likely just as severe as the ink on his arm.

His brow was furrowed, and his jaw flexed.

“You don’t have to tell me,” I said at the same moment he began talking.

“I’ve never talked about this one. Robbie did it for me because that’s a weird angle, otherwise, I would’ve done it myself.” His words trailed off as he ran his thumb down the center where the two faces met and melded together.

“I’m serious, Theo. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t?—”

“I want to,” he said, finality in his tone.

I sat quietly, watching his eyes scan over the tattoo on his arm like he was mustering the courage to talk about it. I was about to say, once again, that he didn’t have to tell me anything he didn’t want to. I swore I could feel the pounding of his pulse where my fingers wrapped around his wrist and then again when I clasped the crook of his arm.

“Dead or alive, that’s what it represents,” he said, looking up to stare across the room at nothing in particular.

I waited for a moment, and when he didn’t continue, I said, “The alive half doesn’t really look alive at all. He might be alive, but he still looks half dead.”

Theo glanced back down at his arm for half a second before his distant eyes snapped back up. “Yeah, being alive doesn’t always feel that great, does it?”

The question settled over me, and I tightened my hands around his arm. I laced my fingers through his, and I hoped he could feel the care and comfort radiating through me. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, and my poor heart wanted to burst for him. There was so much pain behind those words, I couldn’t catch my breath.

“Especially when no one cares if you’re dead,” he added with a deep breath. He straightened and plastered on a small, fake smile before he looked back down at me. That smile faltered when he read my expression and saw the unshed tears gathering in my eyes. But he quickly corrected himself and softened his eyes.

I couldn’t let the moment pass without saying something. I wouldn’t let it pass without him knowing. “I care,” I said, and quickly added, “Ryder cares.”

His smile, although sad, morphed from forced to genuine, and I smiled back, blinking back the tears that thankfully didn’t fall.

He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear and kissed me softly. Butterflies replaced the anxious mess that was my stomach.

“I know,” he whispered against my lips. He wrapped his arms back around me, and I burrowed deeper into his chest, inhaling the clean scent of his skin.

“This show just keeps getting worse,” he mused, drawing patterns with his fingertips against my back.

“You are—” A yawn suddenly slipped from my lips, cutting me off mid-sentence.

“Go to sleep, baby,” Theo whispered, and I could hear the smile in his voice.

And hearing him say that, I couldn’t continue fighting the exhaustion that swept over me. He settled back into the bed and I let my eyes fall closed.

But I couldn’t fall asleep just yet. I wanted to live in that moment a little longer because I knew he’d be gone when I woke up.

And it was on the tip of my tongue to ask him to stay.