Page 11 of Smut Lovers

Chapter Six

“ A ubrey!” Joel’s voice rang through the townhome, and I felt my heart begin to race. “Aubrey!” he called again, not as loud this time but still just as serious.

I stood from my desk chair and went to find him, smacking straight into him in the doorway. “Ow.” I muttered, nursing my wrist.

Joel took my hand and brought my wrist to his lips and for a moment, he seemed to have calmed down.

“What’s up?” I asked, hoping it wasn’t me, he seemed to be angry at.

“When were you going to tell me?” Joel dragged his eyes from my wrist to my eyes, and I saw the anger still there, on full display.

“Wha—what are you talking about?”

“You know what,” Joel responded through clenched teeth.

“Seriously, Joel?”

“Yes,” he snapped.

“You’re going to have to be more specific.”

“Oh, is there more you need to tell me? Because you know how I hate hearing the truth from someone else.”

“What in the ever-living fuck are you talking about?” I yelled, ripping my hand from his grip.

I tried to squeeze past him, but he turned his body and slammed his hand against the wall, trapping me and scaring me all at the same time.

When I jumped, Joel brought his other hand to my cheek, brushing the backs of his fingers along my skin.

I let my eyes close and instinctively leaned into his hand. “Joel, what is going on?” My voice was soft but shaky.

“When were you going to tell me that you’re leaving next week?” His voice was softer too and I could have sworn I heard heartbreak.

“I—I was going to tell you today.”

“Are you lying to me?” Joel snapped.

“No! Why would you even think that?” I looked at him, hoping he could see the pain he was causing me.

“Fuck.” Joel pushed back and ran his hands through his hair before letting out a guttural yell. When he turned to face me, I could see his regret. “Aubrey,” he barely uttered.

I started to step closer to him when he met me halfway, then pressed me against the wall. Again, his right hand pressed into the wall but higher and definitely not out of anger.

“Baby.” Joel pinched my chin between his index finger and thumb. “I’m so sorry.”

Before I could respond, his lips were on mine. He moved his body with his kisses, teasing me with equal efforts of pushing into me and pulling back.

I met his energy, wrapping my hands around his neck and pressing up into him.

He let his left-hand roam around, down my neck, to my shoulder, down my arm, and then on to my waist. He gripped my hip tightly, probably leaving a faint handprint.

Like he was staking his claim or saying he’ll always be a part of me, despite me promising him many times that I was his.

I let him take control, letting myself fully melt into him. Even if it was the last time.

Because it felt like it should be.

I was dreading the day before my eyes even opened. Joel’s arm was draped around my waist, holding me tight against him.

Today is the day. I thought to myself.

Today is the day that I leave Joel. It sounded so dramatic. I felt like I was exaggerating it all until Joel stirred and tugged at me until I rolled to face him.

“Hey, gorgeous.” Joel’s eyes were still droopy, and his smile was lazy, but I loved this image of him. He was so peaceful in these moments. He wasn’t stressed about anything.

“Hey.” I smiled back at him and caressed his cheek.

I wasn’t being dramatic or exaggerating. It was plain and simple. I was heading back to college. Heading back to a reality where we didn’t exist. Not together. This wasn’t some long-term, long-distance relationship.

We had an expiration date from that very first kiss. And we both knew it.

“Hey, don’t think about that right now.” Joel pulled me back to the moment.

He shifted until he was suspended over me. He leaned down enough to kiss me. “I love you.” He whispered between kisses.

“I love you, too.” I caressed his face and leaned up into him, tugging at his lips like I needed him, or I’d stop breathing.

It was the first time either of us had said those words and it brought every emotion possible with it.

Especially a desire to have each other again.

Within a few heavy minutes, Joel was sinking himself into me.

We rocked back and forth. I wrapped my legs around his waist and held him close to me by the nape of his neck.

Joel was slow and tender, trying to make the moment last as long as possible.

Eventually, though, we were both finding our climax. Joel collapsed on top of me, still inside me.

“Why are you leaving me?” Joel’s voice was muffled into my pillow.

I stretched and pushed up at his shoulders some until he could see the confusion on my face.

Why would he say that? Right now, of all times.

“Joel…” I trailed off.

“No, please no excuses.”

“Joel.” I said again. This time, being definitive. “I’m tired of this merry-go-round.”

“Aubrey, when you leave today, you know you’re leaving me.”

“Don’t say it like that.”

“But it’s the truth.”

I pushed Joel off of me and turned away, attempting to hide my tears. Joel quickly wrapped himself around me and started kissing my shoulder.

“It’s not.” I whispered.

“I’m sorry, Aubrey. I’m so sorry. I just… I can’t handle it today.”

“And you think I can? You think this is easy for me?” I stared straight ahead. From where I was, I could see us in the mirror. Looking at how desolate we both were, I felt like it was the most naked and exposed I had ever been.

“I know this isn’t easy for you.” Joel whispered and pressed his lips to my shoulder but didn’t move. He just kept them pressed against me and I felt his chest lifting and falling.

“So please, don’t make it harder.” I lingered just a moment longer then pulled away.

I heard Joel sigh before he said, “How about I go get us some coffee?”

“That would be great.” I turned to Joel and smiled as he stood and closed the gap between us. He wrapped his hand around my waist and tugged at me before stealing another kiss.

“I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay.”

Just watching him leave to get coffee for us was painful enough for me. I could only imagine how it was going to be for him when it was my back he saw.

I shook my head, desperately trying to focus on anything else. I’d packed the car the night before, before he came over after work. So, I only had a couple items left.

I decided to jump in the shower while he was gone. I let the hot water run over me until it started to go lukewarm.

I’d just climbed out and was toweling my hair dry—too damn hot to blow dry—when I heard the front door open and close.

“Aubrey?” Joel called from somewhere near the door.

“Coming!” I opened the bathroom door and held the towel tight around me. I met Joel in the kitchen, where he was pulling small containers from a large paper bag.

“I couldn’t decide which one.” Joel stood back and let me take a look.

“Did you buy the whole store?” I joked, looking at the wide array of pastries, sweets, and such. He’d gone to my favorite bakery and bought everything I loved. “Joel.” I looked at him with watery eyes.

Joel wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him. I clasped my hands around his neck and lifted up onto my tiptoes.

“You did too much. Thank you.” I gave him a soft kiss.

Joel just smiled down at me, without saying a word.

Finally, I let go and turned back to the counter. Joel kept his hands on my hips as I did so. I picked up the cranberry orange scone and grabbed my iced coffee. “What are you going to have?”

I looked at Joel, but his face wasn’t soft and sweet anymore. It was tight and unreadable.

“Um, nothing right now.” He finally responded after I just stared at him.

“How come?”

“I’m going to take a shower.”

Before I could respond, he was gone, leaving me with my mouth dropped open and nothing but confusion.

How could he go from the sweetest guy possible, with warm hands that didn’t want to let go of me to this cold, distant, rock of a person?

I couldn’t think too much about it. I took a couple bites of the scone, washing it down with a few gulps of coffee and scurried back to my room. I tossed a tank top and some comfortable shorts on so I could load the last few things in my car before Joel saw me.

I was trying to make it as easy as possible on both of us. I knew if he saw me loading the car, it would make both of us even more upset than we already were.

“Trying to leave without saying goodbye?” Joel’s words scared me, and I jumped backward from my car.

“What?” I spun to him and saw him wearing nothing but a towel and standing on our very open front porch. I let out a light laugh, hoping he was just joking.

But as I got closer, there was no hint of laughter from him.

“I asked if you were trying to leave without saying goodbye.”

“No-no.” I stammered and made my way around him and back into the house.

Joel was right behind me, and I could hear his heavy breathing. “Just making sure.” His tone was still tight, despite me reassuring him.

“What’s going on?” I stood there, baffled, as I watched Joel grab his clothes and go back into the bathroom before shutting the door. “Joel! What the hell?”

He didn’t answer until the door whipped back open a few moments later, revealing a fully dressed Joel.

“What?” His tone was still cold.

“I—” I stammered, again. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I reached for him, but he dodged my hand. “Okay, seriously. What the hell is going on with you?”

“Nothing.”

“Something is. You come back with all of these amazing things that I love and then suddenly go cold on me.”

Joel shrugged. “Just wanted to give you one last thing before you left.”

“Okay, and I thank you for that. But what gives now?”

Joel made his way out of my room and back to the kitchen, where he put everything back into the bag except for a banana nut muffin—his favorite. He rolled the bag shut and pushed past me to take the bag to my car.

I stood in the doorway, waiting for him to come back in, where, once again, he moved right past me and back to my room.

“Joel, talk to me.” I was growing more and more frantic by the moment. I was supposed to be leaving any minute and here he was, doing whatever the hell it was that he was doing. Was he trying to ice me out?

Because he was doing a damn good job at it. And breaking my heart in the process.

“I just figured I’d save both of us the trouble.” Joel huffed, grabbing his phone and shoving it in his pocket.

“What trouble? What the fuck are you saying?” I raised my voice slightly. I tried to stay calm but everything in my body was on fire.

“That I’m ending it right here and right now.”

“Ending…” I trailed off, with my mouth wide open. Then the tears hit. “You…” I tried to blink them back, but it was pointless. “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”

“Well, isn’t that what today is all about?”

I stood there, unable to speak.

“Look, Aubrey. I’m just trying to make this easier.”

“By going cold and heartless on me?”

“So, you think I’m heartless?”

“You sure are acting like it.” I was bawling at this point.

“Goddammit, Aubrey!” Joel threw his hands up, scaring me.

“I don’t get it, Joel. I don’t get why you want to make this such a bad thing.”

“Because.” Joel stepped closer to me and narrowed his eyes at me. “Because you are the one leaving. You are the one choosing to walk away. You are the one who put an end date on us without so much as even asking if I wanted to.”

I stepped back from him and covered my mouth with my hand. I frantically looked around, as if some magical answer would pop up in a bubble right around us. But nothing came.

So, I stormed to the front door, slamming it open and stepped on the porch before spinning around to face him.

“I can’t believe this, Joel! Are you seriously going to pick a fight with me less than an hour before I have to leave?” I was screaming now.

“I wouldn’t if you didn’t give me a fucking reason to!” Joel’s voice wasn’t as loud as mine, but it was deep and just as full of anger.

“I didn’t give you a fucking reason!”

“Yes, you did! When you decided to still go back today. You could stay at least one more week. You could spend more time with me. But instead, you don’t want to.”

I spun around with my hands tugging at my hair.

“Oh, my god.” I let out an angry huff that almost turned to laughter.

I didn’t continue until I faced him and got within an inch of him.

“You seriously think that I don’t want to be with you?

Despite how many times I told you I wanted to? You’ve got to be fucking joking.”

“Then stay!”

“You know I can’t!”

“Why? It’s not like they really need you there!”

“They do! That’s the whole fucking point. I have to go back and help Nathan get set back up for the fall semester and for the program.”

“Nathan, huh?”

“Yes, remember? My professor and mentor for my massive marketing project? The one that I need in order to get my degree?”

“Oh, I remember.” Joel rubbed his thumbs against his hands. He let out a huff of disgusted laughter.

“I can’t do this, Joel.” I threw my hands up and turned, nearly sprinting from the front step.

“Can’t do what?” Joel yelled and grabbed my hand, causing me to spin and stumble. I almost fell off the last two steps, but Joel’s other arm wrapped around my waist to catch me. “Please, Aubrey. Don’t leave.” Joel pulled me to him. “I need you.”

“Joel, I can’t stay.” I might not have said it but we both knew that phrase meant so much more.

Joel pressed his forehead to mine and I watched his chest rise and fall. “I love you, Aubrey.”

“I feel like you’re only saying that to keep me.” The words escaped my lips before I could stop them.

“Aubrey, you can’t mean that.”

“And you can’t mean your words either.”

“Aubrey, please.”

“Please what, Joel?”

“Please stop breaking my heart.”

“Joel, you already broke mine. I’m just trying to keep the damage from becoming catastrophic.”

“You’re going to fuck him, aren’t you?” Joel whispered the words to me.

As angry as his statement made me, I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t yell. I couldn’t push him away. Instead, I wrapped my hand around his neck and pulled his lips to mine for one last time.

Joel held on, pulling me back to him every time I pulled back. It was a tug of war between us. And our kisses were the rope. Except, instead of one of us pulling the other back to them, it was wrapping around us, constricting us. And the only way for us to survive was to let go.

So, I did. As much as it hurt me—destroyed me, really—I had to. I kept my eyes closed as the tears cascaded down my cheeks.

“Goodbye Joel.” I sniffled and wrapped my hands around myself as I turned and started to the car again.

“Aubrey, no!” Joel cried out.

I fought everything in my being to not turn around. Even when I heard him running after me and my steps faltered. I knew if I turned around, I’d never leave.

And we’d continue on the destructive path we called love.