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FORTY-FOUR

Two days. For two days, I sat in this sterile hospital room, trying to ignore the scent of antiseptic spray and the steady beats from the machines attached to my mother.

She’d been in and out of consciousness for days, waking up only long enough to voice her disappointment that it took a medical emergency for me to come visit her.

The white walls mocked me, begging for a splash of color or something else to break up the barren space.

It made my heart ache, missing having a place of my own.

Even though Victoria’s home was comfortable, it wasn’t the same.

After a lifetime of delaying putting down roots, the urge overwhelmed me, clinging to the idea of something permanent.

As she slept, I watched my mother, searching for any hint of myself in her.

We had the same eyes, same pout to our lips, but that was where the similarities ended.

She’d aged since I last saw her, as if her lifestyle choices took their toll on her physical appearance as well.

Small lines marred her forehead and cheeks, but none of them seemed from laughter or happiness—more like her ever- present scowl had been marked on her face for the world to see.

When I was a kid, I looked up to my mother, seeing her as a free-spirit, something to emulate rather than fear.

But seeing her now? It was clear she wasn’t that person.

Instead, she was selfish and bitter, using her anger at the world for an excuse to hurt others.

She wasn’t a role model—she was a cautionary tale.

My phone chimed on the end table, and I reached out to grab it.

Another message from Cam. My heart ached to reach out to him, to explain I didn’t mean a single word I said to him when we parted.

My fear and guilt about my mother’s health had shifted into something vile and ugly, taking what we had and twisting it into something darker.

But despite that knowledge, I couldn’t bring myself to call him, couldn’t even return a simple text—not when I knew the moment I heard his voice, I’d want to rush out of here and back into his arms.

It wasn’t just Cam I missed.

I missed my hurried morning routine with Emilia, blaring Ivy Abrams on the stereo as we drove to school.

I missed sitting at the stadium with Ollie, trying to keep up with the game and laughing about the team’s antics.

I missed Brianna, with her stoic patience and always-waiting smile, and how each day was a little brighter when I walked into my classroom.

While the ache of missing Victoria was a familiar friend, it was even harder knowing she was home and I was the one who’d left. I was dying to talk with her without the awkwardness of our last conversation, needing to share about how Cam had stolen my heart.

I missed everything.

Standing, I walked over to the window, staring out at the city below.

Boston wasn’t a place we came to often when I was a kid, so it didn’t feel like home.

My childhood home was about thirty minutes outside the city, but this was the closest hospital with a cardiac specialty wing.

The gray clouds over the bay mirrored my mood.

It had soured more each day I spent here, waiting for the results of my mother’s testing.

A groan came from the hospital bed, and I whipped around, finding my mother trying to sit up. “Mom, take it easy,” I said as I stepped to her side. “You’re not supposed to move too much.”

“I’m fine,” she ground out. “Can you pass me a cup of water?”

I did as she asked, pouring some fresh water from the pale blue plastic pitcher. Her hands shook as she reached out. The doctor warned it would be a while until she regained her strength, and she shouldn’t try to push it.

While she sipped on the cup, I sat down on the edge of the bed, weariness overtaking me. Three nights sleeping upright in a vinyl chair was catching up to me, and I had no idea when I’d get to go home.

“Are you ready to talk about what happened?”

My mother’s dark blue eyes jumped up to meet mine. “You already know.”

“No,” I sighed. “I know you had a heart attack. What I didn’t know was that your doctor warned you this might happen. How long have you been on blood thinners and high blood pressure medication?”

She scoffed at my question. “Don’t act like you care, Hadley. You’ve had years to come around and check on me, and you’ve never bothered. I’m shocked you even showed up now.”

“Mom, I?—”

A knock sounded on the door, and my mother turned, smiling as her doctor walked inside.

Dr. Leeds was a young and handsome doctor who’d been overseeing my mother’s care since she got admitted.

With dark hair and tall, confident swagger, I could see why my mother always brightened up around him.

Hell, if we’d matched on an app in the past, I definitely would have swiped on his profile.

But now, I barely noticed. No one compared to Cam in my mind.

He was the only one I wanted, and my chest ached with the need to get back to him.

Dr. Leeds smiled as he walked over to my mother’s bedside. “You’re looking much better, Ms. McKay.”

“Oh, please.” My mother smiled up at him with all the warmth of a bright summer’s day. Give me a fucking break. Even half-dead, the woman was trying to charm her way through life. “I already told you. Call me Colleen. After all, you’re my savior.”

“Mom, he’s a doctor. It’s his job to help you heal and get better.”

“Ignore my daughter.” My mother sat up straighter in bed as Dr. Leeds pulled out his stethoscope and examined her pulse. “So, Doctor, when do you think I’ll be able to go home?”

“After a major cardiovascular event like that, we’d like to keep you a little longer to make sure there are no other complications. We have a couple more tests to run, but if those come back clear, we should be able to get you home in a few days.”

“And you still aren’t sure what caused the heart attack?” I asked, moving closer to the bed. “Our neighbor said?—”

“Hadley…” my mother cooed, but I saw the warning in her eyes. Back off. She smiled back up at the doctor. “Thank you for taking such great care of me. I haven’t felt this great in years.”

I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes, waiting until the doctor left the room to ask my questions. “Did you ask about why your medication wasn’t working?”

My mother shook her head. “Hadley, don’t start. The doctors have all the information they need. Stop trying to stir up drama.”

“It’s not dramatic to wonder why your blood pressure medication stopped working. We need answers before you’re discharged so this doesn’t happen again.”

My mother shook her head again. “It’ll be fine. You can come with me to the follow-up appointments and we can ask them. Stop bothering these nice doctors.”

My steps faltered as I took in her words. I crossed my arms around my chest and shifted closer to her bed. “Wait—do you think I’m coming back home with you?”

Her eyes widened, and her mouth contorted into an annoyed scowl. “You aren’t? You’re going to leave your mother in her time of need?”

“Mom, I have a life, a job, I’m seeing someone?—”

“Ah.” She inhaled, then leaned against the pillows. “There’s the truth. You’ve met some guy, and now you’re turning your back on your family.”

I squeezed the bridge of my nose. This was my penance for opening up to my mother. I just shook my head and moved closer to the window. Despite not responding to her comment, my mother continued, “I was like you once.”

My eyes closed, trying to force out her words, even though I hung on every one. My mother had never opened up about her past, and as much as I wanted to shut her out, I’d always wondered about her life before I came along. I shifted, propping my hip on the windowsill.

She shook her head as she toyed with the edge of her blanket.

“When I met your father, I had that same sparkle in my eyes. I thought it was the start of our lives. He came from money, someone who’d make life worth living.

” She darkly chuckled. “Instead, he took off, left me alone with no way to get in contact.”

“And what does that have to do with me?”

She smirked. “You’re the same as me, Hadley.

You always had stars in your eyes. I saw it with that boy from high school, and look how that turned out.

And what? Now you have some new man, and you think you’re going to run off into the sunset like those books you used to read?

” My mother laid back onto her pillow, her eyes slowly drifting off to sleep.

“Don’t make the same mistake as me, Hadley.

Get out before you’re trapped. Don’t shape your life around a man. It’ll only end in heartache.”