Page 29

TWENTY-EIGHT

Days since last sleeping with Cam Seda: Three.

Times I’ve thought about sleeping with Cam Seda: Infinite.

I stared out at the main house through my kitchen window. How had it only been three days since Cam and I hooked up? It felt like a lifetime and yesterday at the same time. It’d be so easy to sneak over there and give in to the desire coursing through my bloodstream.

No. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars.

Do not give in to a moment of weakness and hop back on Cam Seda’s dick.

The torrential downpour outside was an unexpected blessing. At least with the heavy rain, I had no excuse to leave my house, especially not to pop in across the yard.

Laila meowed at my feet, reminding me I’d been neglecting her in my Cam-induced haze.

I’d been like this since Cam drove me back from the hotel, unbridled tension filled the space between us, the knowledge of what could happen if we both let go.

He stayed true to his word, acting like he had before we crossed that line.

However, the moment Emilia left the room, he’d find reasons to touch me, to inch closer than appropriate.

I should have stopped it, but I basked in those stolen moments, wanting to hold on to him and never let go.

But no matter how much I wanted Cam, there was a wall there, at least for me.

The sharp reminder had me walking away from the window, smacking myself on the forehead as I headed into the kitchen.

Tori. Tori is your best friend. Sleeping with her ex once was a mistake.

Any more than that is a pattern, which would place you in the shittiest best friend column.

I turned back toward the couch and turned on the television, hoping to maybe find anything else to focus on.

Just as I found a show to watch, my phone rang, Tori’s name scrolling at the top.

Fuck. I should’ve sent it to voicemail, unsure of how I’d hide what I’d done.

But no matter the circumstances, I missed my best friend.

I slid the bar over, and her smiling face filled the screen.

“Hey!” Tori said.

“Uggh,” I groaned. “Not only are you in paradise, but you look so happy, I might cry. If I didn’t love you, I’d probably hate you.”

Tori tucked her lip between her teeth. “It’s pretty amazing here. Adam rented us this bungalow by the water, so when he’s filming, I get to just relax and enjoy being somewhere new. You’d love it, Hads.”

“I’ll add it to my travel list.“ I settled more on my couch. “Tell me everything! What’s it like there? How’s the movie going?”

Tori filled me in on all the details of her trip, sharing all her favorite places in Sydney.

I sat back and soaked in every detail, wishing I could be there with her.

She sounded so peaceful. This time with Adam had done wonders for her, and she looked more tranquil than I’d ever seen her.

Even though she was only half-way through her trip, there was a fresh air about her, a calm serenity that had been missing before she left.

Tori loved being a mom, no question about that.

Her entire life revolved around her family, but it was great to see her take some time for herself.

Her voice suddenly cut out, and I realized she’d asked me a question. “Huh?”

Tori rolled her eyes. “I asked how things were going with Cam? Have you two killed each other yet?”

Nope, not unless you’re counting orgasms. In that case, yes, he almost murdered me.

“Not yet,” I said. “We’ve been getting along, actually.”

I was desperate to add on more, to tell my best friend about the conflict rushing through my heart. There was a line, and I was pretty sure talking about my carnal desire for her ex crossed it.

Her brow furrowed, almost as if she read the words I refused to say. Each unspoken moment made my pulse thunder a little harder, unsure what to do with myself when she studied me. Finally, she sighed, “Wait, you aren’t being sarcastic?”

“No,” I said. “I can be serious from time to time. Adds to my mystique.”

“You two are actually getting along?” I nodded. She beamed back at me. “That’s amazing! I always hoped you guys would become friends, but I didn’t think it would ever happen.”

“Don’t get too crazy,” I said. “This is a temporary ceasefire. When you get back, we’ll go back to hating each other.”

She went silent again, looking off into the distance beyond the phone. When she finally turned back to me, she sighed, “Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why does it have to be temporary? Why are you so determined to hate Cam?” She shook her head. “You two are both too stubborn for your own good, I swear.”

“I am nothing like Cam,” I protested.

“Bullshit,” Tori said. “You two are opposite sides of the same coin. You’re more free-spirited, but you’re both two of the most stubborn, infuriating, loyal people I’ve ever met.” She shook her head. “Is this because of school? Hadley, it was my choice.”

My jaw clenched, remembering that conversation all too well.

I was the first one to find out Tori was pregnant, holding her hand while we counted down the minutes until she checked that stick.

When two lines appeared, she broke down, convinced her life was over.

I’d held her through her tears and convinced her it didn’t have to change her life.

We’d made a plan to get an apartment off campus, and I’d help with the baby.

She was too smart, too determined to let this derail her goals.

When we finished talking, she was actually smiling, excited about the prospect of becoming a mom and staying in school.

At least, until she talked to Cam.

Then, everything changed.

“Hadley, I love you. I love that you’re so protective over me.” She paused, and my pulse instantly quickened. “But I’m not your mom. And Cam—he’s not your dad.”

“Ouch,” I said. “Way to dive right into my daddy issues. Anything else you want to bring up? Want to dive deep into my childhood bullying problems?”

“I’m serious, Hads. I can’t imagine what it must be like, hearing your mom complain constantly about how her life turned out, especially with her as your only parent.

” Tori shook her head. “It’s not the same with Cam and me.

I’m happy with the way my life’s turned out.

If I stayed in school, who knows what it would look like right now?

I might not have Emilia, and she’s the best thing that ever happened to me.

” She smiled at me. “Cam has been there every step of the way, and every single decision, we’ve made together.

We might not be perfect, but we’re trying hard for Emilia. He’s a good guy. The very best.”

My entire face flushed with shame. Was I really that transparent? Listen, I might have spent years working with a therapist to work through my family issues, but they always lurked under the surface, waiting for the right moment to rear their ugly heads.

“He is.” I swallowed and forced my eyes away from the phone. “At the same time—you lost yourself, Tori. Even after you guys broke up, you limited your world to only Emilia. Easier to blame him than look too at why it bothered me. I should have realized I was holding onto my stuff about my parents.”

She nodded in understanding. “I get it. I’d be more concerned if it didn’t trigger you. However, it might be time to face what’s really bothering you.”

I exhaled, trying to force away my tears, but it was useless. They broke free, trailing along my cheeks. “I don’t know how to do this, Tori—how to let other people in and trust they’ll stick around.”

“You’ve done pretty well with me.”

“You’re different.”

“That might be true,” she said, “but you’re not giving yourself enough credit, Hads. You’re the best, and if other people don’t see that, it’s on them, not you. Give Cam a chance. Let him in. ”

God, she made it sound so easy. Could I really just let Cam in and trust he’d stick around? If I let down my walls, threw away all my defenses, would it be worth the risk?

Who was I kidding? Cam had already decimated them. Every moment we spent together, he proved worthy of my trust.

As much as I tried to deny it, I’d spent years hiding. After all, it was easier to keep everyone at a distance than risk getting my heart broken again, worried someone would see the real me and deem me unworthy. Or worse—squash my spirit and bend me to their will.

Even when we hated each other, Cam had never done that. He took my comments, understood my teasing nature. He might have pushed back, but he knew when to turn that off. Cam was steady, a force that rattled against my nature, but I needed it at my back.

“Okay,” I whispered. “I’ll try. Who knows? Being friends with Cam might not be the worst thing.”

I left off the end of my sentence, the one that screamed I wanted so much more than friendship with Cam. After a few hours of pleasure, I wanted to spend more nights wrapped up in his sheets, to wake up in his arms, to cheer him on in the crowd and see that adorable wink he saved just for me.

For a moment, I thought about telling Victoria that exact sentiment.

Not over the phone . This was an in-person conversation, with alcohol and chocolate on standby.

Victoria had every right to be upset with me.

After all, this was the biggest secret I’d ever kept from her, but I doubted she would be.

I knew my best friend’s heart, almost better than my own.

If Cam and I had something real, she’d give us her blessing.

At least, I was pretty sure she would.

A rock dropped into the pit of my stomach. That was, if Cam hadn’t changed his mind. Our last conversation echoed in my mind, and I cringed, thinking about how I’d slammed the door on our burgeoning relationship. I hid the truth behind Victoria, using her as an excuse to keep Cam at arm’s length.

As we said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, I walked over to the window and watched the sky open.

Thunder and lightning crackled in the darkness, illuminating the shadows of the main house.

It felt like a sign from the universe, encouraging me to wait until morning, to make sure that this was the right path.

Maybe I wanted more with Cam, but life wasn’t that simple.

Just because I willed something to happen didn’t mean it would all work out like I wanted.

I was the girl who leaped first, never worrying about where I might land. With Cam, for the first time in my life, the fear of falling held me back.

Because to jump and miss this time wouldn’t risk only my heart—it could tear apart this little family I’d grown to love as my own. As I imagined life without Emilia or Victoria at my side, my heart ached, deep confusion rotting through my determination.

With another crackle of lightning, I forced myself back to bed. Even though I blamed the weather, I knew there was another reason I couldn’t keep my eyes closed.