Page 10

E verything is wrong.

Lyle’s gone, Storm can’t look at me or Sol, I can’t look at Garrett, and although I have my beast back, I feel as though it and my shadows are conspiring against me.

Twice now, I’ve attempted to shift, and both times, I’d turned into Lyle’s bear instead of the rabbit I’d been going for, the one I’d been transforming into for the majority of my life.

And that was just the big stuff.

So much more is wrong, if I’m being honest. But if I get into all of that, I won’t be able to see past it, and right now, I need to keep moving, training, and looking for a way to save Lyle.

Ryker said all hope wasn’t lost, and while it’s not looking great, I believe him.

I have to, or I won’t get through the day.

I just wish I could ask him what the hell he meant by that because, as of now, everyone seems to think there’s no way to save him.

Rosalynn, despite trying to help, doesn’t believe it will work, and Garrett…

Well, he has no issue letting me know just how crazy he thinks I am for continuing to try.

“Serena.” Garrett’s voice carries through the dining hall, and I close my eyes, taking a deep breath in an attempt to center myself.

I love Garrett; really, I do. Our bond is something I couldn't live without, and despite having lost my memory before, I know I couldn’t live without him now…

But that doesn’t mean I haven’t wanted to kick his ass the last few days. Blair has reminded me on more than one occasion that he’s worried about me, but worried or not, he’s starting to piss me off now.

“I’m not doing this right now, Garrett.” I don’t even turn to face him or let him try to start a conversation. I already know what he will say, the same thing he’s been saying since that night.

“Yes, we are, Serena. You need to let this go. It’s not healthy. You haven’t been sleeping, you hardly eat, and every spare moment you have is spent in the library looking for answers that don’t exist.”

Every word he says is true, mostly. He forgot the part about my late-night trainings with my shadows.

For over a week now, Blair has been joining me, and sometimes Pike and Sol come too.

I haven’t made much headway with my shadows, but we’ve been messing around with my ‘supercharger’ ability, as Pike likes to call it.

It’s probably useful to note that Garrett has no idea we do that, or we’d probably be having a much different conversation right now. There's no reason for him to come at me like this in front of everyone. We've had this conversation so many times now, and it always ends the same way.

I wonder if he thinks calling me out like this will help him; it won't.

He and the rest of them can kiss my ass. I refuse to give up on Lyle, and if Garrett is upset now, he's going to be really mad when I've exhausted all of my options here in the castle and go elsewhere.

"Ryker said—"

"Fuck Ryker! And fuck whatever he said, Serena. He's lying, it's what he does," he yells, and the rest of the room falls silent, his voice bouncing off the walls and high ceilings.

If we didn't have everyone's attention before, we sure as hell do now.

Asshole.

I don't bother answering him. I know there's no convincing him that Ryker isn't the monster he claims he is. Honestly, I believe Garrett.

I believe he thinks he knows the truth about Ryker based on what he’s seen, but that isn’t the Ryker I know. That isn’t all he is.

I saw Ryker that night at the other village. He told me he's Draven's puppet, and I saw the damage that was left behind after the chimeras were let loose on the village.

Despite that, and who his father is, I still can't bring myself to believe he lied to me, not just about Lyle, or anything else.

He had no reason to lie when we first met, and thinking back to that night, I remember the way he looked at me when I pulled up on that damn horse looking for the guys. He was upset to see me. His first reaction was to get me out of there as fast as possible.

"I'm not doing this with you again," I tell him as I make my way out of the main hall.

I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I need to get away from him.

We're both stubborn, and it's only a matter of time before one of us says something we don't mean.

“If he wanted to hurt me, he had more than enough time. I was powerless and lost, and he helped me, Garrett! Why is that so hard for you to understand?”

“What?”

I hear the confusion in his voice, but I don’t stop to explain. He's a big boy; he can put the pieces together on his own.

Besides, if I stop now, there’s no telling what I’ll say or do. No, I just need to get away from him, from everyone. I've done that too often with Lyle, and now I get to live through every regret every time I close my eyes.

I'm running before I can think better of it. The urge to escape is so consuming it's damn near suffocating. I push myself harder, moving faster until I hit the garden and run right out into the village.

The sound of Garrett's feet hitting the ground behind me fills me with a panic I'd never thought possible to feel from him.

Thankfully, it's later; the sun’s already set below the horizon. Only a few orange streaks are still visible.

A hand closes around my biceps, and I know it's Garrett.

My bond sings from the contact, but my mind reels, and I can't stop the scream that works its way out of me as I turn to face him, my nails digging into my palm as I throw a wide punch his way without so much as aiming.

My fist connects, and pain radiates up my arm, not only from bad form but because Garrett is built like a brick house, with over a decade of daily training under his belt.

Garrett doesn’t react to my punch, as if it didn’t even happen. He stares down at me with hard eyes that have me squirming, trying to break out of his hold.

“You. Can’t. Save. Him. Serena.” His voice is low, hardly more than a whisper, but he punctuates each word so that it’s impossible for me to miss one. They hit me like a slap in the face as I look at my oldest friend, my first bonded mate, and see his clenched jaw and hard eyes.

My heart squeezes in my chest, and I narrow my eyes to meet his glare with one of my own, swallowing down the urge to cry.

I don’t want to fight with Garrett. I wish I could cry in his arms the way I can with Blair or curl up with him in the library the way I do with Pike, but that doesn’t seem possible.

“I can’t save him, or you don’t want me to?” I can’t stop the words as they pour out of my mouth like vomit full of toxic sludge.

Garrett drops my arm as if I burned him, his brows scrunching up in confusion as he looks at me like I’m a stranger.

Maybe I am…maybe that’s why this is so hard. Maybe our bond wasn’t meant to be strained like this?

“What?”

Shut up, Rena. Don’t feed into this; you don’t mean it. Neither of you is thinking clearly.

It’s true; I know it. I know my conscience is right, but even knowing that, I can’t stop myself from opening my damn mouth and letting more toxic sludge seep out onto both of us.

“It’s no secret you and Lyle didn’t get along, Garrett.” I don’t say more, but I don’t need to; the accusation hanging in the air. His eyes widen, his brows damn near hit his hairline, and I know he understood exactly what I didn’t say.

It only takes a second before his shock turns to annoyance and maybe even anger.

Good. Now he can understand how I felt dealing with him and his incessant need to try to get me to forget Lyle.

“You know that’s bullshit, Serena. It doesn’t matter how I feel about him. I know you love him, and I would never do anything to hurt you.” He takes a step toward me, and I hold my ground, craning my neck back to hold his gaze. All I see is the truth of his words.

“I don’t care if I hated him with every fiber of my being.

I’m almost positive he’s your mate, the same as me and the rest of those guys.

It’s not ideal, not what I wanted, to share the woman of my dreams with five other men, but I will, because the alternative is to be without you, and that’s not an option. ”

He swallows hard before giving a shake of his head, as if attempting to dislodge the thought.

“I’ve lived without you, Serena. It’s not something I can do again.” His voice cracks on the last word, and he takes a deep breath as if trying to get a grip. It doesn’t seem to do anything when his next words come out quiet and broken. “I’d rather die.”

His words cut through me, hitting me right in my already bruised and bleeding heart. For what must be the millionth time these last few weeks, I break down.

I’m so fucking sick of crying.

My legs give out, and I would have hit the ground if not for Garrett. I want to hold it in, to be strong and emotionless like Lyle would be if this were me, but I can’t.

These guys have been my safe place for as long as I can remember. At this point, I can’t imagine living without them. I don’t want to.

Fuck, I’m not even sure if I can. Rosalynn said that losing a mate could kill you, the pain so unbearable as you lose a piece of your soul.

I’m not mated to Lyle, but I can’t help feeling like he was meant to be mine. He might not be dead, but right now he’s lost to me, and fuck if I don’t want to run into the forest and lose myself if it means finding him.

He was meant to be mine, and I’m his…

Or I should have been.

“Let’s get some sleep. We can talk about this later. Right now, just let me take care of you.” Garrett scoops me up, and I’m asleep before we even get back into the castle.

I’m not sure how long I slept. It might have been a few minutes or days. Either way, I wake feeling refreshed for the first time in a long time and sweaty.

The guys had taken it upon themselves to bring in three more beds a few weeks ago. They lined them all up against the far wall opposite the window, making one huge bed that we could all easily fit in.