Page 42 of Secrets That Bind Us

“I lied to you. Is what happened. Kind of. I told you I was getting my stuff, and I’d meet you at the airport, but I went to that race.

I went to that race, and I won the fifty grand, plus an extra fifteen thousand just for participating.

I’d trained for years for it, and when I won, I felt like a goddamn millionaire.

Partially because of the money, but mostly because I was going to New York to be with my girl, and I had enough money for us to get settled properly without having to worry about anything for at least a few months while I found a job.

I had it all planned, baby. I didn’t know a goddamn thing about New York, but I would have worked three jobs to make sure you didn’t have to worry about anything except writing. ” I scoff at how fucking stupid I was.

No, that dream had been way too easy. As soon as the money was in my backpack, I shoulda known it was too good to be true. Adelaide has a way of stealing everything you want from your literal grasp. Which is why I can’t be mad at her for leaving. She was right to leave this shit town behind.

“After I collected the money, I was off, racing to the airport. I was low on time, and I was praying the flight was delayed due to the storm that was coming, except it started drizzling. Not hard, but the roads got just slick enough. My bike skidded, and I went into the ditch. I heard my phone ringing on the side of the road when I woke up. Your name, your picture was flashing. I dragged myself, but I was too far to reach, and I was in so much pain. I broke my femur, shattered my leg under the weight of the bike. Someone finally stopped on the side of the road and called the ambulance. They left my phone behind.”

I recall the pain and the phantom throbs begin again.

“When I got to the hospital and my dad arrived, I asked for his phone to call you, but you didn’t answer. I called about fifty times and nothing .”

“I turned my phone off on the plane. I had stared down the aisle, hoping you’d show up like the ending of a goddamn rom-com.

” She says, her anger quiet, but I can feel it like I feel my own.

“Once the plane was going, I thought maybe you had changed your mind and decided to stay. Which hurt, but I knew we could have gotten through that.”

We could’ve gotten through anything.

“They took me in for X-rays, and I had to go into surgery immediately because my bone was partially sticking out of my skin.”

“They told me you died.”

“Who did?”

She scoffs, shaking her head at the ceiling before looking at me.

Cinnamon eyes glassy, but her tears don’t fall.

A piece of me wants to know how long she’s been holding them back?

How long has it been since my girl let herself feel more than just…

this? This invisible, gnawing pain that feels as though it’s been buried within us for the past thirteen years. Has she had to hide it? Cry alone?

I know I did.

She licks her lips. “When I got to New York, I finally made it to the exit of the airport, I turned my phone on. It was vibrating so much that it slipped out of my hands and I dropped it in a puddle. The taxi Jake picked me up in ran over it. Once I got a new one, Zoey wouldn’t answer my calls or my text messages, so I called Micah.

And he told me that you had died. Jake had to pick me up off the floor…

but I grieved you.” She looks down at her hands.

“I mourned your death so ferociously I couldn’t eat.

All I could do was cry and sleep. I almost…

” she shakes her head. “I felt your death like a dagger to my own heart. I had plans to… I went to the Brooklyn Bridge, and I had every intention of throwing myself off because I didn’t want to be in this world without you.

But right when I got there, my phone started ringing.

The clinic Jake made me go to after I wouldn’t stop throwing up called me…

said I was pregnant. I knew the world couldn’t be without your amazing child in it.

I knew from that moment Savannah was going to be a force because she was yours.

So I walked all the way back to Jake’s apartment, and I promised her I would do everything in my power to keep her safe.

That I would be the best mom in the world. ”

Now I’m the one in shock. That fucking bastard. If he weren’t already dead, I’d kill him all over again.

“I was close to eight months pregnant when I finally reached out to Zoey because I was scared and exhausted. My mom didn’t want anything to do with me; I have no siblings.

Jake was on his way to Japan… I was utterly alone, and I had no idea what to do.

Micah less than me. We were just kids. It took forever to reach out to Zo because she was mad at me for leaving without telling anyone.

She asked if Savvy was yours, and I told her yes, and when she asked if I was going to tell you, Dean, I swear to God, my earth shook .

“I screamed into the phone. I screamed at Micah; I was so upset I went into premature labor. I had every intention of coming back. But when I called my mom, and she told me I wasn’t welcome, that I had no place in her home, to not come back, I didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t have money to come home. I was still in the process of selling my manuscripts, thankfully I had found Eli by then.

But you never showed up. You were alive and never made it back to me. So I took it as a sign, Dean.

“And then Micah kept coming around to help me when I had Sav, and even though I was angry with him for lying to me… I still needed him because I had no one else. Especially when money got even tighter. Then, when she was six months old, I went on my first book signing tour, and the money slowly started rolling in and it was all starting to work out. Telling you about her suddenly wasn’t a high priority.

I know that’s terrible. I know that makes me sound horrible, but Dean, I took it as a sign, too.

I was meant for New York. I was meant to…

to stay away from this place… no matter how much it hurt. ”

My anger bubbles over, and I can’t help it anymore. For the first time in a long time, I let it seep out like a poisonous fog.