Page 26 of Secrets That Bind Us

Verity

Age Eighteen

I should talk to Dean.

Scratch that.

I know I need to talk to Dean.

I promised him I would.

Time is running out, and I have so much to say before I go.

But what can I say, really? We left things in such a terrible way that I’m embarrassed to speak to him.

It’s been months. After spending another summer in New York– away from Adelaide, scoping out more jobs with Jake so I can have money on the side, filling out essays for grants and scholarships– it feels redundant. I know I’m not coming back to Adelaide.

This time, Micah was able to get into the summer program there, and we spent the entire summer hanging out, traipsing all over every open weekend we could.

When school starts again, due to the extra credit classes I took last year and during the summer online, I have enough credits to graduate high school before the end of the semester.

My early entry to NYU acceptance letter came in, and I’m due in New York before the Spring.

But I’m not waiting until then. Jake already has an apartment in the city– granted he has three other roommates– but it’s only temporary until I start school.

There, I’ll be in a dorm room and have a dormmate.

Micah will join me after graduation. Zoey’s staying here, since she got an apprenticeship at a tattoo parlor in the next town over.

She knows I’m going to New York for school– I just didn’t tell her when.

I know that makes me sound like a terrible friend, but she tends to say things at inappropriate times, and I really don’t need this getting back to Daddy.

All it takes is one wiggling ear to hear the right words spoken at the wrong time for the entire town to know your business by the time you get home from school.

Another reason I need to leave Adelaide.

Just as I’m thinking of Dean, packing up my things to go for the day, the hallway empties, and the hairs on the nape of my neck stand on end.

I hear a locker squeak as I bend, and I know it’s fate.

I know it’s him by the way the electricity in the air draws me to him.

I look up so slowly, and it’s still not enough time for me to catch my breath.

Why did it have to be this boy for me? Standing tall and beautiful like God made him just to torment my heart and my mind.

To feast upon my soul only to leave it in shreds?

I let go of whatever air made it into my lungs as he strides to me.

I want to run, but I keep myself in place.

Locked in. Locked on that fiery gaze that lights me up on the inside and makes me want to squirm under his glare– but it makes me want to do other things more.

Like kissing his smile. Lord, I love it when he smiles.

But he’s not smiling now.

“What’s going on?” He asks, crossing his arms. The line of blue lockers behind him is loud in contrast to the black shirt he’s wearing– it’s loose around his middle but tight on his chest and arms, accentuating the mass he put on over the summer while I was away.

Beautiful Dean Carson. Curse upon my heart.

I clear my throat. “Dean, hey.”

His eyes narrow. “ ’Hey?’ That’s what you have to say to me?”

“I don’t know what else to say to you, Dean.” I sigh honestly.

“Are you fucking him?”

My brows knit together. “Who?”

“Micah. I know you were in New York together.”

“Oh God,” I groan, “Not this again, Dean. I can’t do this again.

I can’t keep making sure that you know at all times that I’ve only ever-“ I let out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t be stuck in this vicious cycle again. I don’t have it in me and I don’t have the time.

For your information, I’m too busy to do anything other than study and I’m pretty sure you know that. ”

“That’s the fucking problem. I don’t know anything, Ver. It’s not like you come up and talk to me about your day. Fuck’s sake– you don’t even look my way.”

He’s right. I don’t. It’s too hard. After the way we left things– with him saying he’d planned out our entire future– my heart and my mind were too heavy.

I love him, I do. But I can’t fathom being stuck in this town for the rest of my life.

After our last beating, I refuse to become my mother.

I refuse to stay tied to a stagnant town.

“Tell me what’s going on, Verity. Please.”

“I was granted a scholarship and an early entry to NYU, Dean. I’m leaving as soon as I’m done here. I’m eighteen now. I’m moving in with Jake until I get my dorm room.”

Dark brows bunch together and sadness creeps into his gaze, making my stomach plummet. “When is that?”

“Soon,” is all I say.

“Why?”

“ Because Dean! I have to get away from here. Don’t you see that?

Don’t you see that life here is suffocating?

I can’t breathe here, Dean. I’ll wither and I’ll die if I stay here.

I know how dramatic that sounds, but goddamnit– can’t you see it?

This town takes your dreams and eats them.

There’s a whole world out there, a whole other type of life that can be had.

One where I’m not beaten. One where I don’t have to tiptoe to the fridge for a midnight snack.

” I clamp my mouth shut because I’ve said far too much. I squeeze my eyes shut.

“Is it that bad?”

I slowly open my eyes to look at the clock on the wall behind him. “I have to go.” I really don’t. I just can’t stand being here like this, feeling his questions running through his mind like my own. I don’t have the grace to answer them without feeling exasperated.

Before I can grab my backpack from the ground, I’m pressed against my locker– and how do I let him do this to me all the time?

His lips are on mine, and I stand my ground, not opening for him when he licks the seam of my lips with his tongue– but Christ, I want to.

I want to melt. I want him to incinerate me over and over until I’m nothing but ash, but I. Stay. Still.

He presses his lips against me harder. “Kiss me.”

I don’t.

“Kiss me, Verity.”

I find purchase on the groves of his abs, my fingertips on his pecs and I push, frustration growing in the pit of my stomach. “I can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“God, Dean. I can’t and I won’t. Don’t you get it, yet?

” My voice rasps, but it’s mostly from willing myself not to cry.

“I can’t because I love you. I won’t because if I do, I’ll fall for you all over again, and I’ll stay here for you.

Or I would follow you like a fucking puppy if you asked me to.

You – The man that only gives me pieces of himself when I would give you all of me.

Have given you all of me. I would let you destroy me, Dean.

Inside and out. And then I would beg for you to please, please ruin me again.

And I have to get out of Adelaide in one piece,” I choke on a sob “or I won’t survive being away from you. ”

I’m caged in his arms, storms in those cerulean eyes that make me so weak I could crumble.

He smacks the locker beside my head, and I jump.

I’ve never been afraid of Dean. Even when he’s been chaotic, I’ve welcomed it– because he makes me feel safe.

His anger and frustrations aren’t toward me; they’re toward our complications.

Every reason we shouldn’t be together– but still, want and need the other.

We’re a convolution of objections and disasters. Set in stone, like statues of lovers. Archeologists will find our bones twisted towards each other like sunflowers on a cloudy day. Nothing more than Romeo and Juliet on a dais, taking one last sip of poison. But such a delicious poison it would be…

He steps back barely, with a small apology, and then licks the corner of his mouth. I get out from under him and swing my backpack over my shoulder, turning to leave for the weekend.

“Do me a favor, Ver. Just one. Please.”

I turn back to him, only to see he’s a lot closer than I thought he would be.

He grabs my wrist lightly. “Whatever you do in this life, promise me you will not marry Micah. You won’t be happy.

He won’t compare to me. He’ll never love you like I do.

You’re mine. You and I were meant to be.

I will always be the better option when it comes to loving you right, Verity. And I deserve that chance.”

This enrages me.

“You want to be the better option, Dean? You really want to be better– then do better. Actually be better. Because I simply no longer have time to waste. Once I’m gone, I’m gone .

I won’t be coming back here. The only reason I’ll come back is to take Mama away from here.

But I’ll die before I ever call Adelaide home. ”

He licks his lips and laughs, shaking his head, eyes crinkled at the corners, and he’s so beautiful I want to scream.

“It don’t have to be Adelaide, Ver. New York, Cali, Paris, Indonesia, Nantucket – you and me are end game.

So don’t marry that fuckwad, because I can promise you– you won’t be happy. ”

It feels like a promise and a curse.

There’s nothing left to say, and when I turn to leave, he catches me off guard and presses his lips to me again. I kiss him back, only to push him off and slap him. He grins, wide and maliciously– so I do it again. My aching heart pounds, practically bursting at the seams. I stupidly lunge for him.

I kiss Dean Carson with all the love in my soul I hold for him.

My backpack drops on the ground behind me, and when his arms wrap around my waist and he lifts me, my legs and arms hook around him, pulling him closer– because it feels so fucking good to kiss this man that God created just to eat my heart and ravage my soul.

I am fire, and he’s the only one that can put out my flames.

Except he only ignites them further. The kindling to my embers.

I am gone

Gone

G o n e.