Page 18 of Saving Tracey (Finding Hope #1)

I blushed and tucked my head under his chin, my heart racing at his words. He laughed softly and wrapped his other arm back around me. I moved my head against his heart, and my stomach flipped at how fast his heart was beating. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be? I've got the most perfect girl in the world in my arms."

I blushed even harder at his words. "Well, your heart is just beating really fast. That's not normal."

"It is when you touch me." My chest swelled at his words. "You make me feel things I haven't ever felt before. My heart goes wild when I feel you against me or when you touch me. And it's not a bad thing, either, so don't worry your pretty little heart."

Well, my pretty little heart palpitated at his words. Trevor sure knew his way around a girl's heart. I don't know how he did it, but he managed to worm his way under my skin and wiggle his way into a special place in my soul.

I knew he would never hurt me. Somehow, from the very moment I met him, I felt at ease around him. He made me feel safe and protected.

When my blush had finally calmed down, I looked up at him to find him already looking at me. I looked back down at his chest, my hand reaching up to absentmindedly trace his tattoos. He shuddered slightly under my touch.

I was curious about his tattoos. I know he said that he got them as an escape from the gaping, dark hole that seemed to want to drag us both down all the time, but I wondered if there was more meaning behind them.

"Do your tattoos have any meaning behind them?"

He shrugged. "Not really. They're just tribal tats. They're some of the more complicated tattoo designs, therefore they took longer. But other than that, nah, not really.”

I traced my finger over the one on his arm, and he shivered under my touch again. I silently relished in the fact that he was just as affected by my touch as I was by his. "Will you ever get one that has meaning behind it?"

His eyes met mine. "Maybe one day."

I didn’t miss that hint .

The front door banged open, and I jumped in fright at the loud sound. Trevor tightened his arms around me, running his fingertips up and down my arm. Kaleb and Paul sauntered into the kitchen. "Well, what do we have here?"

Oh God, I just realized how wrong this looked. I had my hand on Trevor's arm, and he was shirtless, and to top it all off, I was in his lap. This situation couldn't have looked more wrong.

I instantly jumped up, and Trevor laughed when my cheeks reddened. "It's not what it looks like!"

Paul wiggled his eyebrows at me. "Oh, I know exactly what it looks like. I didn't know you were such a dirty girl!"

I covered my blushing face with my hands.

I heard Trevor get up from the floor, and he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me back against his chest. I blushed even harder.

I wasn't used to affection. I never had it growing up, and suddenly, I was receiving it from a very hot guy that was way out of my league.

"Come on, man, don't give her such a hard time.” I felt someone tugging my hands from my face. I looked up at Kaleb standing in front of me, and he dropped my hands quickly, not wanting to alarm me. "So, what were you two doing on the floor?"

"Nothing, I swear! I promise what we were doing was completely innocent!"

Trevor guffawed. "Innocent, my ass. You were totally feeling me up."

I yanked myself away from him and stormed out of the kitchen, leaving their laughter behind. "They are insufferable.” But I couldn’t help the smile that twitched on my lips. That moment with Trevor had been everything I hadn’t known I needed. And I knew his joke at the end was just him teasing me.

I jogged up the stairs to my room, leaving the boys to do what boys do. I collapsed onto my bed and pulled my sleeve up, looking at the long scab that was on my wrist. I sighed, prodding at it. I winced a little at the pain that shot up my arm.

I had really done a number this time .

I quickly yanked my sleeve down when Krista stepped into my room. "Why are Kaleb and Paul giving Trevor shit about you and him?"

I blushed. "They found me and Trevor on the floor in the kitchen. He was—he was hugging me, and I was on his lap . . ."

She grinned from ear to ear and bounced onto my bed. "Awwww!" I looked at her with wide eyes. "You two are so cute together, I swear. You're just so perfect for each other!”

"Shut up.” My blush was never going to go away at this rate.

She shook her head at me, but let it go. I was so glad she wasn't like the guys.

She pointed to the TV. "What are you watching?"

I shrugged. The show that I had been watching had changed to something different since all of that time I had spent downstairs with Trevor. "I have no idea.”

I began fiddling with my hoodie sleeve. The cut was itching, and I wanted so badly to scratch it, but I couldn't do that in front of her.

She hadn't seen the cut yet. I had hidden it away from everybody.

The only person that had seen my arms was Trevor, and that was terrifying for me enough as it was.

"How's your wrist?"

I immediately stopped playing with my sleeve. "It just itches.” I clenched my hands together. "But it's healing fine."

She slowly placed her head on my shoulder, making me tense up. "Why'd you do it?" I swallowed hard. "We were all here for you. All you had to do was come talk to one of us. You didn't have to do that."

I shook my head. "It's something I hope you'll never have to understand, Krista.”

"But I want to understand. You're like a sister to me, Tracey, and I want to know when you're hurting."

I hurt all of the time.

She couldn't help me all of the time.

I was a never-ending ache.

I didn't answer her. We just sat in slightly uncomfortable silence. "Can I see?"

I jumped up from the bed, immediately feeling the need to put some distance between us. She could never see. Never. She couldn't know about the scars that covered me. She couldn't see how I had hurt myself over and over again. She couldn't see the scars that covered my wrists.

I could feel myself panicking. "No, no, no, no.” I shook my head with each word.

She stood up from the bed. I scrambled backward, my back slamming into the wall in my desperation to get away from her. "Tracey, calm down."

I clawed at my chest, sinking to the floor. I was gasping for breath. The pain in my chest was almost unbearable.

I couldn't let her get close. I couldn't let her see.

"Trevor!"She came over to me, but I shoved her away, knocking her onto her ass. I was so afraid she was going to try to see my scars.

They were ugly.

"Move!" Trevor snarled at someone. I didn't know who. I had my eyes squeezed shut tightly.

I couldn't breathe.

Rough hands grasped my face in their hands. I would know those hands anywhere. "Open your eyes and look at me. Tracey, open your fucking eyes and breathe."

My eyes snapped open and latched onto his. "Breathe." He rubbed the pad of his thumbs over my cheeks.

In and out. In and out. In and out.

I did it over and over until I was breathing normally. Tears streamed down my cheeks as I began calming down. He gathered me into his arms, and I clutched his shirt in my hands. "She wanted to see it." I hiccuped.

He knew what I meant. He knew how I felt about my scars. He knew that I was ashamed of them.

He lifted me up wordlessly into his arms, an arm under my back and an arm under my knees.

Once he gently placed me on my bed, he spun around to face Krista, clenching his fists.

"Are you fucking insane?!" She flinched back from him as tears ran down her cheeks. "You know not to fucking ask about it!"

"I just wanted to see!" She swiped at her cheeks. "I didn't mean to upset her. If I'd known she would react this way, I wouldn't have opened my mouth!"

"You should have been more fucking considerate!"

I pulled the pillow over my face and clutched at my ears, desperately trying to block out their arguing. I didn't want to hear it. I wanted to pretend this never happened.

These panic attacks were fucking ridiculous.

I should be able to handle myself better.

Someone asking to see the worst side of me shouldn't bother me.

But it did.

I wanted to be able to open up to Krista, to show her every dark part of me, but I couldn't. I never wanted to taint her like that. She was such a bright person. She was so lively.

I couldn't drag her into the deepest pit of my darkness.

I listened as Krista left the room, and my bedroom door clicked shut a moment later. Someone moved the pillow from my face, and I looked up at Trevor. He seemed a bit calmer now. "You okay?" He gently ran his fingertips over my cheek.

I blew out a harsh breath.

When would I ever fucking be okay?