Page 15 of Saving Tracey (Finding Hope #1)

Chapter Eight

I walked into the school with Kaleb, Krista, and Emily at my side.

It was a struggle for me to get out of bed this morning and come to school.

I was still feeling miserable, and my eyes were crusty from crying so much yesterday.

I felt extremely tired and wanted nothing more than to stay in my room and wallow in my misery.

Of course, no one would allow me to do that.

Kaleb's mom had given me a phone this morning before I left for school, and she had programmed everyone's phone numbers in it for me. It was my first time owning a phone ever, so I was pretty grateful.

I would never be able to repay her for everything that she did for me.

Trevor and Paul sauntered up to us with big grins on their faces. My cheeks reddened when my eyes met Trevor’s, and he shot me a small smile as he stuffed his hands in his pockets.

He had held me for hours on end last night. My body still tingled, and even now, it was almost like I could still feel him holding me.

"Guess what, Kaleb?" Paul asked.

Kaleb quirked a brow at his best friend. “What?"

"Coach is letting all of us out of practice today because of our big win last Friday. Isn't that fucking awesome man?" Paul could barely contain his excitement.

Kaleb grinned. “Yeah, it is. Since we don't have practice, do you guys want to head to the lake today?”

Trevor shrugged, his eyes landing on mine. "Only if Tracey gets to come." He was holding my gaze, and I was finding it impossible to look away.

Why did he always have to be so intense?

I shook my head at him. I didn't want them to see the scars covering my arms and thighs.

I intentionally wore long sleeves and jeans to keep them concealed.

I may have tried committing suicide many times, but I was still ashamed of the scars that covered me.

Kaleb knew about them, but he hadn't seen them.

I didn't want anyone else finding out about them.

Especially not Trevor. I didn’t think I could handle it if he looked at me differently.

"I'm good. You guys can go by yourselves."

Trevor opened his mouth to protest, but I just shook my head at him and turned on my heel, walking away before any one of them could protest. Once I made it to my locker and opened it, pulling out my books, I saw a pair of scissors I had stolen from art class last semester sitting under all of my books.

Was it sick that I felt relief in seeing those scissors ?

I could find a release .

No one had to know about it .

I quickly snatched them out of my locker and dropped them into my bag.

No one had to know , I reminded myself. It was my little secret.

Maybe I could escape this pain-filled world, leave everything behind.

No one knew I had access to something that could help me.

No one would know until they found me dead.

I could finally do it .

When I got to class, Kaleb was already there talking with a couple of guys from the football team. I sat in my seat that was next to him and put my head on my desk, letting exhaustion sweep over me. I hadn’t gotten nearly enough rest last night, and I was definitely feeling it this morning.

However, Kaleb wasn't going to let me sleep. Since I was now living with him, I had to follow his mother's rules, and one of those was that I had to keep my grades up.

Like that was ever going to happen though. It was way too late for me to try to straighten things out in my life.

Especially if I still wasn't planning on living.

Kaleb shook my shoulder suddenly, and I jerked up and away from him, panic gripping my lungs and squeezing hard. He quickly jerked his hands back. "Fuck, sorry. I forgot for a moment."

I blew out a harsh breath and clenched my teeth. The teacher came in wearing those loud heels again. Seriously, why in the hell did she have to wear them?

Class went by slowly as she discussed everyone’s partner projects, going over grades with everyone. Since I had been out of school while it was being completed, the teacher had paired Kaleb up with another pair, and the three of them had apparently done the small project together.

I honestly felt like the class was never going to end. I just watched Kaleb take notes once she began to lecture and picked at the sleeves of my shirt.

The intercom went off in the room, and everyone stopped what they were doing to listen. "Can I have Tracey Olive in the principal's office, please?"

"Yes, you sure can."

The intercom shut off, and I looked at Kaleb, panic clear in my eyes. I hadn't done anything wrong! My parents were supposed to be locked away in jail. I didn't even think they had a chance of bail. Why was I being called to the principal's office?

They couldn’t hurt me anymore, right ?

"You'll be fine," Kaleb whispered.

I got out of my seat and snatched my bag up, rigidly walking out of the door. When I got to the office, Mrs. Freeman from the hospital was sitting in the principal's office with the principal. "What's going on?" I was nervous, and I was sure she could tell.

"I wanted to talk to you about everything that's been going on. I thought it would be better to do it here than at your home. I figured since home is where you have the most peace, I didn’t want to disturb that for you."

"Okay," I cautiously took a seat beside her, very well aware of the scissors that sat in my bag. She wouldn't want to search my things, would she?

"I've recently been told of your suicide attempt, Tracey.” I twisted my fingers in my lap, keeping my gaze trained on the floor. “I thought things were going okay."

I wrapped my arms around myself, making out patterns on the carpet with my eyes. I wasn't going to answer her. Nothing was ever going to be okay. I could put up a front like no other; I had years of experience doing it. I could act like it all was okay, but it wasn't.

And she was stupid for thinking that it ever could be.

"Tracey, I will put you in a behavioral health center if you try to commit suicide again, do I make myself clear?” I tensed up at her words. “We want you to pull through this. I know that you can. You just can't give up. If you have to be put on suicide watch, then that will happen."

"Just leave me alone."

I stormed out of the office just as the bell rang. Teenagers filled the hallways, quickly crowding it.

And I made my escape.

I walked out of the school doors and went around to the back of the school. Bumping into someone, I stumbled back from the hard chest, my eyes snapping up from the ground to meet a rock-hard chest covered in a black t-shirt.

"Jesus, Tracey, what are you doing out here?"

My eyes snapped up to his. He held a cigarette on the side of his lips with a lighter held up to it, but he hadn’t lit it yet. He pulled the cigarette from between his lips, and his eyes searched mine. "You okay?"

"Like you fucking care." I moved to step around him.

He gripped my wrist in his hand, yanking me back around in front of him. I yanked my wrist out of his hand, clenching my jaw. My heart raced at his touch, but not out of fear.

Somehow, I knew Trevor would never hurt me.

"Don't fucking touch me."

"Don't play fucking games with me, Tracey.” His eyes flashed between anger and concern as he lit his cigarette.

“You want to think that nobody fucking cares because you were hurt for so fucking long, but if anyone fucking cares, it's me, Tracey.

I know what you're going through. I've been through it, too.

" He ran his hand through his dark hair, taking a drag off his cigarette as he lit it.

"Now, what happened?” His eyes were calm when they met mine again. “Something's definitely bothering you."

"I just got threatened to be put in a mental institution.” I kicked the dirt with my shoe. I looked up at him. "Could they really do that?"

He took a drag off of his cigarette before he rubbed it against the brick wall behind him, sticking it back in its cigarette pack. Trevor nodded his head at me in answer. "Yep, they sure can." His dark eyes met mine, concern flickering in their depths. "Who threatened to do that to you?"

"The social worker that's working my case.”

He leaned against the wall of the school and crossed his arms over his muscular chest, the muscles in his arms flexing with the movement. "I'm guessing someone spilled the beans that you tried to commit suicide the other night?"

I nodded, a scowl covering my features. "Why can't people just leave me alone?" I just wanted to be left alone to do what I wanted. It was my life.

Meaning if I wanted to commit suicide, it should be my decision.

Trevor leaned forward, his smoky scent filling my nostrils. My breath hitched in my throat at his close proximity, my heartbeat picking up pace in my chest. "Because we care, Tracey; I care."

With that, he walked off.

When I got home, I went straight up to my room. Kaleb and the guys had gone to the lake as they had planned earlier that day. Krista went shopping with some of her friends, and Emily stayed at the library after school to study. I walked home by myself.

I was finally alone. I could finally do this .

I pulled the scissors out of my bag and walked to my bathroom.

Closing and locking the bathroom door behind me, I pushed my sleeve up and placed the scissors against my skin.

I was finally going to leave this world of pain and hurt.

I wouldn't have flashbacks anymore. I wouldn't feel the pain of him beating on me.

I slid the scissors across my wrist and sighed in contentment.

Yes, this was what I needed .

I leaned my head back against the wall, closing my eyes. I could feel the blood pooling on my lap. It was so silent, I could hear it dripping onto the floor.

It was bliss.

"Tracey!"

I didn't respond. I could feel myself getting light-headed. I could feel it ending. My mom wasn't here to stop it this time. She wasn't there to bandage it up.