Page 44 of Samuel

Maisie forced a wide smile. “Yes sweetie, we are, but Sam had a phone call, he has to go.”

I looked at her and almost disagreed, but when I saw the fire and anger in her eyes, decided better of it.

“Really?” Frankie groaned. “Oh no, I brought my Football Top Trumps with me.” He turned in his seat and reached into the pocket of his coat, hanging on the back of his chair. “Grandad got them for me.”

Frankie slapped the pack of cards on the table and gave me a look I recognised from Bella when she was struggling to make herself understood.

My emotions were a fucking mess as I looked at him. I wanted to laugh at his consternation at not being able to play cards with me, my damn heart was aching that I had to go, but I also had a sudden urge to run as fast as I could.

“Sorry, Frankie,” I managed to say while trying to hide the quake in my voice. “But I’ll pay for the ice cream on my way out.”

His face brightened slightly and then he nodded. “Can I go and get some, Mummy?” He looked over his shoulder at the ‘ice cream factory’ a couple of feet away.

Maisie nodded. “Say goodbye to Sam first.”

I looked at her, hoping she might change her mind, but her gaze never left Frankie and her jaw was tight. If I felt confused before, as soon as two little arms were flung around my neck, any semblance of understanding of what was going on in my heart and my head totally disappeared.

“Night Sam,” Frankie said against my ear. “Thanks for the pizza and ice cream. Maybe we can play Top Trumps another time.”

“Yep,” I managed around the ball of emotion that was almost choking me. “That would be great.”

“Yes, bye Sam,” Maisie said. “And thank you.”

I glanced at her over the top of Frankie’s arm that was still wrapped around my neck, but she was searching in her bag.

Finally, Frankie let me go and raced off to get his ice cream.

“I am sorry, Maisie,” I said as I pushed up from my chair. “But we do need to talk some more.”

She nodded. “We do, but not until you’ve really thought about what you want, because you only get one chance at this Sam. You let him down just once and that is it.”

Her voice was determined and I knew she was right; I had some serious thinking to do.

Samuel

the past

As soon as I reached the door to the maternity ward, my palms started to sweat and bile rose in my throat. If I thought I was over what Alison had done to me, I was getting a huge wake up call. I might not have cared about her any longer, but the fucking shit trick she pulled on me had obviously embedded itself into my soul.

As I stood in the corridor with my hands hooked at the back of my neck, I felt a continuous stabbing pain in my chest – the knife point of anxiety reminding me that this could all just be a pile of lies and I wasn’t sure I could go through that again.

“You want to go in mate?” a guy carrying a flower patterned duffle bag asked. “Have you pressed the buzzer?”

My gaze shot to him, taking in his huge smile and tired looking eyes. “Yeah,” I muttered.

“Yeah you’ve pressed the buzzer?” He turned and looked through the viewing panel in the door. “No one’s coming. I’ll try it again.”

I shuffled closer to him, still not sure that I was doing the right thing.

“You look a bit shell shocked, mate.” He landed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. “Your first is it?”

I nodded, looking at him blankly.

“I was like that with our first, but this time around it doesn’t seem so scary. You’ll be fine mate. Just think of your poor missus, what she’s gone through.”

He laughed again and shook his head as I stood there dumb.

“Oh here we go.” He nodded to the viewing panel.