Page 38 of Samuel

“And does he have someone he calls ‘dad’?” Mum asked as Amy perched on the arm of the chair and gently rubbed Mum’s back.

I drew in a breath and then very slowly exhaled, trying to rid the tension in my chest and shoulders.

“No.” My voice sounded flat and as soon as I said the word more guilt hit me. “His mum did have someone, but recently kicked him out.”

“But you’ve been spending time with him, from what I heard you say to Amy?” She sounded hopeful and I really wished she hadn’t heard us.

I nodded. “I have, but it’s a long story.”

“Well I want to hear it. I want to know about my grandson. How old is he? What’s his name? Can we meet him?”

Panic hit me as she blurted out each question and I felt my chest tighten as my gut roiled.

“No Mum, no, it’s not possible.”

“But why not?”

I could see the desperation in her eyes and this was exactly what I’d been wanting to avoid all these years.

“He has no idea I’m his dad,” I cried. “Maisie and I agreed that he’d never find out.”

“But why?” she pleaded, reaching out for my hand. “Why can’t he find out?”

“Because it’s not what I want.”

“Why don’t you? He’s your son, surely you want that?”

“No, I really don’t,” I implored.

“But Sam-,” Amy started.

“No, no way, Amy. Just don’t.” I held my hand up and retreated from them. “You both need to stay out of this and listen to me. He is to never know and you need to forget about him. I mean it.”

“What the hell is going on in here?”

We all turned to see Dad standing and watching us.

“What’s the shouting about?”

Mum stood up and almost ran to Dad, wrapping her arms around his waist and laying her cheek against his chest.

“James, talk to him,” she sobbed.

“What about, love?” Dad asked, lifting her chin.

“He has a son James. He has a son and he doesn’t want the boy to know.”

Dad stared at me and the way he looked at me, I’d never felt like such a disappointment in my whole life.

Samuel

the past

I don’t know how I was expecting to feel once I knew that Maisie was in labour, but fear was the one emotion that surprised me.

Gut clenching fear gripped me as I stared down at the text on my phone.

Maisie – You asked me to keep you informed. Am in labour and just off to hospital.