Page 43 of Samuel

“But we haven’t had ice cream yet. We can have ice cream, can’t we Sam.”

I had no clue what to say. Either way someone was going to think I was a prick. When I didn’t answer, Frankie sighed and placed a tiny hand on my forearm.

“Don’t worry, Sam. I know you said you’d pay, but if you don’t have enough money for ice cream too, my mummy will help out, won’t you?”

He looked expectantly at Maisie, giving her what I guessed was his best puppy dog look. I knew it had to be, because at that fucking minute I’d have given the kid my left kidney if he’d asked.

“Frankie,” Maisie scolded. “Don’t be rude.”

“It’s okay -.”

“I’m not,” Frankie interrupted me. “You always say you should be honest and I honestly want some ice cream and I honestly know you’ll pay if Sam can’t.”

My mouth twitched and I almost pulled Frankie against my chest when I saw the exact same expression on his face.

“I’ll go to the toilet and let you chat about it,” he said, pushing away from the table. “So Sam doesn’t get embarrassed.”

Before either of us could stop him, he ran off dodging a waitress with a tray full of drinks.

“I’m sorry, Maisie,” I rushed out. “I have no idea what the fuck is going on in my head. I just know I’ll never be able to apologise enough.”

Maisie laid her palms flat on the table and took a deep breath. “I understand that spending time with him might have confused you, Sam, but you can’t just decide that you want to be his dad after all this time.” Her voice was a little shaky and her eyes kept darting toward the toilet, watching for Frankie coming back.

“I don’t want that.”

When Maisie gasped I shook my head.

“Shit, I’m cocking this up. What I mean is, I have no idea if that’s what I want, Maisie. I spent all of Sunday afternoon telling my fucking parents that they should forget they have a grandson because they wouldn’t ever be meeting him, but-.”

“You told your parents,” she hissed, leaning across the table. “Sam, what the hell were you thinking?”

“Shit,” I groaned. “I was going to tell you. They heard me talking to Amy.”

“Amy knows?”

Maisie’s face had paled and her hand trembled as she lifted it to place against her chest.

“Oh my god,” she whispered. “We agreed. What if Frankie finds out?”

Her words punched me in the gut making my lungs feel as though they’d just deflated like a pricked balloon.

“What if he does?”

Maisie’s mouth dropped open, in silent shock.

“Maisie I-.”

“You were the one,” she snapped. “The one who didn’t want him to know. We agreed. I agreed with you because it was better he had no dad than be constantly hurt that the one he did have didn’t want him.”

“I know, I know, but spending time with him, with you both, I don’t know how I feel any more. I’m not sure that’s what I want.”

Maisie looked away momentarily.

“Well I’m sorry, Sam but you have to be bloody sure. You can’t mess with his heart like that. If that’s what you want then you have to be sure, because that boy is my life and if you hurt him, I’ll…I’ll fucking kill you.”

I opened my mouth to retaliate, but didn’t when Frankie dropped back into his seat.

“So, are we having ice cream or not.”