Page 201 of Ruptured

“I was dealing with so much.”

“Most of it a figment of your motherfuckin’ irrational jealousy and goddamn stupidity. You know I ain’t cheatin’ onyou. I could have a naked bitch on my fuckin’ lap, grindin’ her wet pussy and she ain’t gettin’ dick from me. No, Megan, thatdidhappened.”

With Kendall. “I love you,” Meggie sobbed, banishing the thought. “I would be so lost—”

“Shut the fuck up. I ain’t leavin’ you. Our marriage end, it’s cuzyouwant it to end. All those motherfuckin’ tears and mopin’ and anger blinded you toRule.”

“But I was recovering from Jo’s birth and…and…and…dealing with Johnnie…and the possibility of a hysterectomy and Torie…” Her lips trembled; she winced.

“Yeah, wince, Megan. All that shit except Johnnie onyou. No, even that motherfucker on you, since you ain’t told me what the fuck he was doin’.”

“I wanted to protect—”

“My fuckin’ soul. That motherfucker. Every motherfuckin’ thing except Rule. Do you know how the fuck it felt walkin’ in this fuckin’ house knowin’ Rule not here?”

“O-off-kilter.” She swiped at her tears. “Like the world is upside down.”

“It’s oppressive. Like a part of me missin’,” he responded, glaring at her. “It’s fuckin’ heavy. It mocks me. IknewRule was fucked up.Youknew it, too.”

“Christopher—”

“Shut the fuck up, Megan,” he said again. “I’m so motherfuckin’ tired of almost losin’ you. The night it happened, I ain’t thought about nothin’ else but how grateful I was you and Rebel survived.” He turned in a circle and indicated Rule’s abandoned room—bed hastily made, dirty socks on the floor, an open bible on his desk. “Now,tofuckinday,and bullshit…” He glowered at her. “It fuckin’ hit me all the fuck over again. What we coulda done.Shouldadone. We treated him the same fuckin’ way Big Joe treated Snake.”

She’d heard all about her father’s disregard for his son. “That isn’t true!”

“The fuck it ain’t,” Christopher countered. “And it turned out almost the same motherfuckin’ way. With death.”

Meggie swiped at her tears. “You wanted to kill Rule. Our son. You can’t possibly blame that on me. Nor can you blame Jo on me. I didn’t make her alone.”

“Somehow, you always turn up with my kid in you, so yeah, it’syourmotherfuckin’ fault, Megan. You made me love you and can’t get enough of you. You made me make you my fuckin’ world, and you do fuck all to protect yourself so you can stay with me. Especially against gettin’ lil’ motherfuckers in you. It’syourgoddamn pussy. You know what the fuck you need to do.”

“Just what are we talking about here, Christopher?” Meggie demanded. “My pregnancies have nothing to do with Rule. I can also remind you of the two or three timeyouinsisted I get pregnant.”

“That don’t count. I wanted you pregnant for your fuckin’ safety to keep you from rival clubs.Youwant to be pregnant cuz you like babies. And, yeah, this got to do with Rule. You almost dyin’ givin’ birth to Jo is what fucked him up.”

Hurt and angry that he laid all their problems at her feet, Meggie picked up one of Rule’s pillows, rose on her knees, and threw it at Christopher. “I can blame you for a few things, too, jackass,” she cried.

Growling, Christopher picked up Rule’s desk chair and threw it against the wall. Meggie’s scream combined with her tears. She sounded like a wounded animal. “Ain’t givin’ a good fuck, Megan. Don’t take away the fact that we failed Rule, you and Rebel almost died, and it’syourmotherfuckin’ fault.”

“How’s it Mom’s fault?” Ransom asked from the doorway. All the crashes and screams must’ve drawn him out.

Meggie hadn’t even heard his footsteps, so lost in her argument with her husband. It made her feel guiltier because that was the problem. No matter how much she claimed otherwise, Johnnie was right: Christopher always came first. Then CJ. And then Rebel.

It was a crapshoot for her other kids.

Shame and misery permeated her soul. Gut wrenching sobs tore from her.

“Momma?” Rebel said as Ransom ran to her and hugged her. She clung to him.

“Mom, what’s the matter?” CJ asked.

“Aunt Meggie?”

“Did Dad spank you, too, Mom?” Axel’s little voice carried through her despair. “Told you that motherfucker wield a belt like nobody else.”

“Who else has beat you with a belt, stupid?” Ryder demanded.

“I’m not stupid,” Axel yelled. “Your mama’s stupid.”