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“Like this?”

I stared at her reflection in the mirror, watching her apply the flared lash nugget in the corner of her eyelid with the assistance of the lash bonding glue. It would last her up to seven days. At that point she could decide if wispy was the style for her.

“Yes. Just like that. Now, that’s the longer one so you’ll only need one more of those. Follow the lash map I’ve written out for you and make sure it’s right on that lash line, underneath your lashes. Never on top of them. Just like I did the left side. If they don’t look the same, we’re starting over, babe.”

“I think I’ve got it, babe.”

“Babe?” I chuckled. “Girllllaaaa–”

“I’ve really enjoyed myself today. Being around you all– it was just different. Something I’ve never experienced before. I’ve been imagining myself with seven siblings all day and my heart is so full of joy. Like, six sisters. My head would explode on a daily basis, but I wouldn’t trade them for the world.”

“That pretty much sums it up.”

“My mom is my only hope, but there’s not much hope there if she doesn’t win this battle with her addiction. My father has made it clear that I’m his only child.”

Damn fucking right. If I have anything to say about it .

“Maybe he’ll find someone that convinces him otherwise and you’ll have a little sibling you can spend the day playing dress up with.”

She paused after applying the second lash flare.

“If you don’t come with that sibling then I don’t want it. My father really adores you. When you’re not around, you cross his mind often. I can tell when he’s thinking of you, too. He gets this random, weird smile on his face.

“Sometimes, he shakes his head and chuckles, probably at something you’ve said. Other times he’s sad. Probably because you aren’t around. But, you’re hardly ever around. I think he misses you the better half of his day.”

“A lot of assumptions, girl. But, it’s not your father I want to talk about. It’s your mother. Has she contacted you?”

She remained quiet and steady until she placed another flare in position. Then she spun on her heel, leaving my reflection to the mirror. She faced me instead.

“I don’t want to go back, Roulette. I was wondering if I could just stay here until my father returns. I know that’s probably asking a lot. Too much, maybe, but I just– I can’t. She worries me. She worries me to my core. Deep down in my bones.

“I can feel her struggle. Almost too much. And, it hurts. I feel li– I feel like it’s just getting worse and worse. To the naked eye, she’s fine, but behind the doors of my childhood home, the one that always brought me joy, is nothing but turmoil.

“Sadness. Depression. Since I met you last week, I’ve felt better than I have since I was thirteen and my mother spent her last days sober. Since then it’s been downhill for me. Not all at once, but my descent progressed faster than I had time to notice what was really happening.

“She called me. I didn’t have the heart to answer because I was feeling things I’ve never felt before. I was surrounded by beautiful women. My awakening was happening, and for the first time, I couldn’t allow her to crush my spirit. Even talking about her now– It’s disturbing my joy.”

“Then we won’t talk about her. But, I do want you to let her know you’re safe. Just in case she’s worried.”

“I did. I texted her and let her know I’m fine.”

“Good. I’ll handle it from here. And, don’t worry. If you don’t want to stay with her, then you won’t. My doors are always open, even if your father and I are no longer involved with each other. I want to make that abundantly clear. You’re fifteen, so I’m sure you understand these things don’t always move forward. But, you and I, we’ll always keep pushing forward. Keep progressing. Keep in touch. Okay?”

“I understand, Roulette. And, thank you. I will take you up on that offer.”

“It wasn’t an offer, babe. It’s a rule. A rule I will enforce strictly.”

She sniggered, “Noted.”

Malaya turned and faced the mirror again. Silently, she finished her lashes and then turned to face me again.

“So, what do you think?”

They made her big, round eyes pop.

“Oh, baby, they are perfect.”

“Yay. I was so nervous. Didn’t want to let you down.” She sighed. “That’s a relief.”

My smile nearly split my face permanently. Malaya was such a good-spirited girl. Having someone disrupt it felt like a personal blow to the gut.

“Now, let’s tackle these brows. We’re going to leave them full and thick, but the unibrow has to go. And, these bushy ends.”

She was already perfect, but she’d expressed her interest in elevating her beauty. That was music to my ears. The girls had departed at least an hour ago, full off wine and pizza, leaving us to the magic. Malaya was learning fast.

We’d pressed on nails and secured them with two layers of glue. We’d created a four-step skincare routine with products I had in my bathroom and planned to order for her as well. Her legs were shaved, and her lashes were on. She was ready to conquer the world in the beige tennis skirt and fitted top to match tomorrow.

“It feels like the first day of school all over again, but better.”

“It’s the first day of the rest of your life, babe. It is better. Undoubtedly .”

Don’t call him .

I exited the message thread, finally making the decision not to call Israel. I’d toyed with the idea for two and a half hours as Malaya slept peacefully underneath my covers. She was a hard sleeper.

With her new face mask shrinking her pours and silk covering her eyes, she slept like a baby. A happy baby. One who was finally home after months in the NICU being poked with needles and disturbed every two hours with the latex gloves of a nurse who loved a stranger like she loved her own.

Don’t call him .

I sat my phone in the cup holder and took a deep, calming breath. However, it was hard to stay calm with the brewing fire inside of me. In fact, it was nearly impossible.

Nevertheless, I composed myself and exited my SUV. I slammed the door behind me intentionally, hoping to awaken the person on the other side of the door I was headed for.

Upon reaching it, I extended my knuckles and knocked. They burned by the time I pulled them back. It wasn’t until then that I noticed the doorbell next to the doorframe. I pressed it with my index finger.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

I removed my finger for a brief second and then pressed the button again. Five seconds later and I was repeating the same steps. Five seconds after that and I was repeating them again.

At the sound of locks turning, I took two steps backward, waiting to greet the homeowner. A gorgeous, uncomfortably thin woman appeared on the other side of the door. With disheveled hair and tired eyes, she stared out into the darkness where my eyes met hers.

“Yara?”

“Yes. Who’s asking?”

The gentleness of her tone at the indecent hour I’d shown up to her home softened me slightly, but not enough to deter me from delivering the message she needed to receive. Sympathy gathered in my throat, making it hard to swallow the lump it formed.

“Roulette.”

Her brows raised. So did her hands. She smoothed her hair down and stood straighter. Malaya had been vocal about my presence in her life. I wasn’t a stranger standing at Yara’s door. I was a girl she hadn’t put a face to yet.

“Roulette, nice to finally meet you. Malaya has told me so much about you.”

She extended a hand for me to shake, but I refused. This wasn’t a formal introduction. It was a forced one. When she was sober and became the version of her everyone adored, then we could have a formal introduction. That wasn’t happening tonight.

“Which is why I am here. Malaya has told me so much about you and not much of it has been good. Most of it is the shit that would break a fifteen year old’s spirit, which is exactly what you’re doing.

“I’m not here to shake your hand and tell you you’re doing a good job. I’m here to tell you that you’ve lost all your fucking marbles if you think I’m going to sit back and let you ruin any chance of mental and emotional stability that child has. Not over my dead body, Yara.

“She’s a good girl with a good heart and we are going to keep it that way. I will not discredit you for the work you’ve done because I’m sure she’s all you. I knew it the moment I heard your voice. But, you’re killing her inside. I can’t let you do that.

“You have exactly sixty days to get your shit together for Malaya or I’m going to force you into in-patient therapy. Not the kind where you get to sit on a nice comfy couch and cry your eyes out. Most people who enter this office never resurfaces. Please don’t try me.

“If you don’t want to detox voluntarily, I have no problem strapping you to a seat and forcing those drugs out of your system myself. I’ve only known your daughter for a week, but it’s that fucking deep with us at this point. Just as it would be with any young girl I encountered who is as brilliant as the one you pushed out of your pussy.

“Israel has pacified you far too long. It’s time you wake the fuck up, because, soon you will lose the pieces of your daughter that matters most. The good things. The sweet things. The brilliant things. Her mind. Her heart. Her love. She’s young but she is not foolish. History is the only reason she’s holding onto hope for you.

“Malaya is at my house and will remain until her father’s return. You will take a leave of absence from work. If you’re not fit to care for your daughter, then you damn sure ain’t fit to care for strangers. I don’t give a fuck how well you do your job. If you can get sober for them motherfuckers, then you can get sober for that baby. She needs you the most.

“I understand you have a good heart and got yourself in a fucked up situation, but I will not excuse your behavior. Especially not when it’s affecting everyone who loves you. I have absolutely no feelings for or about you, yet it’s affecting me too.

“It’s time to tighten up. I won’t visit this home again unless it’s to drag you out kicking and screaming. Otherwise, go get the help you need. You have the resources and you have a man in your corner that is ready to be a helping hand.

“Don’t lose at life if you don’t have to. You’re in a position to win, Yara, so win. You’re beautiful with a heart of gold. That’s why you’re in the position you’re in. If you’ve never done so in your life, wise up.

“Because, you are on the verge of losing your daughter. Permanently. Woman to woman, I can’t let that happen, but I can’t make you get better either. You have to want to get better yourself.”

Her hands brushed up and down her arms as she nodded. Tears streamed down her pretty face. As much as I wanted to comfort her, I couldn’t. She needed to feel everything she was feeling right now.

I was saving my hugs for the teenager she was directly responsible for harming. There was no room for her in my arms, on my chest, or on my shoulder.

“Shake this shit, Yara. Or, you won’t be able to shake me.”

I left her on the porch with the consequences of her actions at the top of her head. Having another woman show up at your door to tell you, you were destroying your daughter and on the verge of losing her was the reality check she needed. As I slid into my driver seat, I prayed it would help her put her best foot forward.

Aimlessly, I drove around the city, recalling life as a fifteen year old. I was headed to university with my older siblings who were graduating or close to graduating. Knowledge came natural for us. We consumed it almost every hour of the day while awake because there was hardly any hindrances in our daily lives.

We were stair-steppers. Rhea had given birth to one girl after the other. So, our lessons started early. By the time we were ready for grade school we were already reading, writing, and performing on the level of most fifth and sixth graders. My mother never led us to believe any lesson was impossible.

If I wanted to learn the same thing that Roaman was learning, that’s what she taught me. If I was interested in what Range was mastering, then I was welcomed to do so. There were no boundaries. There never had been until we entered the school system where our lessons were restricted to our age and grade.

We quickly learned that structure wouldn’t work for us so we advanced in school much quicker than the other students, eventually graduating years before the average child. College was different. Though our parents had to petition for our course load, we could tailor our schedules to better fit our thirst for knowledge consumption.

Malaya’s life was unfolding just as ours had. But, the stress would negate her willingness and eagerness to learn. It would stifle her growth. Hinder her from reaching her full potential. The thought of it alone hurt.

I need a fucking drink .

I changed directions. Nippy’s Bartop was my destination. They had the best cucumber mint martini. The saliva pooling in my mouth kept my foot on the gas.

12:26a

My wheels pulled up to the edge of the curb as the numbers on the clock changed. I stepped out, fully expanding my limbs as I locked my SUV.

Click.

Clack.

Click.

Clack.

My heels rounded the car, ending up on the sidewalk. Though I rarely wore jeans, tonight was the exception. I didn’t feel the need to make the house call in full couture or full glam. Not this house call, at least.

The bell sounded as I pushed the door open. The small hole in the wall was one of Clarke’s greatest hidden gems. It was nestled between Windrige, home of the middle and upper class, and The Commons, home of the middle and lower class.

There was only one vacant seat at the bar. In a haste, I claimed it, just as I’d claimed the orbs of everyone in the shotgun establishment. It was small. It was live. It was the perfect business structure to thrive. Low overhead and high traffic. The owner’s, Jason, pockets were laced. Nippy’s was only one of his investments. He had four others that were built on the same strategy.

“What can I get for you, darling?”

“A cucumber mint martini with a salted rim and two shots of your finest vodka.”

The familiar voice raised goosebumps on my exposed arms and back. Though we were facing eighty-five degree days in Clarke, I iced over. My neck and wrist weren't the only thing that froze over.

“Good to see you, Roulette.”

Chino’s cologne was audacious. So was he. Nevertheless, I remained composed. I didn’t hate him, not even a little. But, I wasn’t interested in entertaining him after the eventful day I’d had.

“I wish I could say the same,” I admitted.

“Don’t be that way. This is me. We were together for,” he blew out, “What? Six or seven years?”

I chuckled with a shake of my head.

“Besides, two million dollars–”

I waited for him to continue, simultaneously gripping the Glock in my handbag. I removed it, placing it on the counter so that there were no surprises.

“Try it if you want to. I will blow a hole in your chest the size of the state of Huffington.”

“I have no intentions of trying to do shit but get you to calm down and have a conversation with a nigga. I come in peace, Roulette. Always have. Always will.”

“Good.”

I removed the gun from the bartop and placed it on my lap, prepared to shoot if necessary. However, I knew Chino was being honest with his words.

“You look raggedy,” I told him.

His hair was unkempt. So was his attire. I hadn’t noticed him because he didn’t resemble the Chino I’d known.

“It be like that when you lose the best thing that has ever happened to you to a man you look up to while having a child you don’t want with a girl who was just supposed to help you pass time.”

“Sounds like you got yourself into some shit.”

He nodded. “I did. I really did. I brought this all upon myself.”

The pain was in his voice. It was in his appearance. It was in his eyes.

“How are you?”

“It’s me you’re talking to, Chino. I’m well. Even when I’m not– I’m my best self.”

“Are you not?”

“In fact, I am. Very well. I feel the best I have in quite some time.”

“I wish I could tell you that makes me feel good… you know, hearing that. But, it makes me feel like shit knowing it’s not me bringing you that peace of mind.”

“I’ve never counted on a man to be my or to bring me peace of mind, Chino. That’s for women who lack self-awareness, self-respect, and self-confidence. I’m not one of them. A man can’t do anything but enhance my peace. He doesn’t create it.”

“And that’s what I’ve always loved about you.”

“Apparently, not enough, but that’s water under the bridge.”

“Not for me. I feel that shit every day. I regret what I did every day.”

“A beautiful baby girl will be born because of your mistakes. Use her as the light you need to find yourself again. She’ll be worth it. So is Kiara, despite the circumstances. As much as I hated the situation, that’s why I couldn’t hate her. Still can’t.”

“She’s a good person. She really is. Just got caught up in some shit. Couldn’t control her cravings. Cravings that didn’t develop until the stress of life got the best of her.”

“No excuse for her actions, but true. Very true.”

“Yeah. No excuses. For either of us.”

“Cucumber mint martini.”

The bartender slid my drink across the bar. The shots followed. I looked at Chino in pure disgust. Though it wasn’t written over my face, I felt it deep in my core. Nice-nasty was an art Rhea had taught us as children. Remaining poised, even in the eye of your enemy, was mastered at a young age.

Not many situations required the composure of a grazing horse, but this one did. There was no need to hold a grudge toward a man that would live the rest of his life wishing he had done better to keep me in his corner. Every time he thought of or witnessed Israel and I in public or private settings, a little more of him would die inside.

Any time Matías and I crossed his mind, even more of him would fall into the ditch he’d dug for himself. A bullet would’ve been far too easy for Chino. He deserved the slow, painful death he was dying. It was suiting. With that thought in mind, I warmed.

“Have you guys decided on a name yet?”

“Aubree.”

“Aubree is cute. Simple. Easy to spell.”

“Yeah. Kiana for her middle name.”

“To Aubree Kiana.”

I raised my shot glass. Chino’s followed.

“To Aubree Kiana.”

His words weren’t as clear, as confident, or as cheerful as mine. While I was happy another girl, who’d one day become a woman, was being born, he was drowning in the reality of the situation. Though I didn’t want any of my own, children were a blessing to the world. Girls especially. They had the power to populate. We needed them. We needed them as much as we needed oxygen to continue life.

My phone vibrated in my bag as my shot touched the counter. I chased the liquor with the cucumber martini. The salted rim quickly lessened the impact of the shot. I dug into my bag in search of my cell. I was silently praying that Malaya hadn’t awakened and realized I’d left her in bed alone.

“Malaya,” I answered with my heart in my hands, waiting to hear her groggy voice on the other line.

Instead, it was the voice that belonged to the man that had helped create her.

“Finish that drink and get up, Princess.”

“Israel?” I questioned, although I knew exactly who it was on the other end.

“Finish that drink and get up.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m where I need to be. But, you, you are far, far away from home, Roulette. Leaving Yara’s home should’ve led you straight to your crib, yet you’re tossing back shots with a motherfucker that doesn’t know if he’s coming or going most days. Get up.”

I listened while scanning the bar for evidence of his presence. He was in Berkeley awaiting a very important introduction. His presence in Clarke made little to no sense. He’d waited for this opportunity. Blowing it to follow me around didn’t seem logical. Israel was a businessman who was about his business. He wouldn’t leave Clarke before his meeting unless he absolutely had to.

“How’d you know I went to N–”

As the words left my mouth, I was greeted with a nod. Across the bar, on one of the couches that lined the wall, was Raquim.

“Of course.”

“You don’t owe that nigga as much as a hello when you see him. Niggas that fuck you over should never have the privilege of speaking to you for any amount of time, especially not in that atmosphere. We both know he’s hoping to get a few drinks in your system, get you vulnerable, and get you home to stick his dick where it doesn’t belong.

“That won’t be happening on my watch. I need you to understand how fucked up you’ve got me right now, Princess. I like my woman unfriendly, untouchable, unapproachable, un-talk-to-able, unfuck-with-able… and, the quicker you understand that, the better our days will be.”

I took the cucumber mint martini to the head and nodded toward the door. With the phone still pressed against my ear, I made my way out of the bar, knowing that Chino would cover the tab. When I made it outside, Raquim was right behind me.

“I should’ve shot you in the mouth when I had the chance to. Bumping your gums to your boss about a woman who is unkept is a sucker move. From this day on, keep me out of your fucking mouth.”

“I’m just doing my job.”

“I’m not your job. Israel is.”

“That was unnecessary, Roulette.”

“So was this call. You do not dictate my life, Israel. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that shit. Chino can’t even fuck me with a ten million dollar dick right now. Neither can he even see my pussy for any amount of money. That situation is done. Seeing him tonight was coincidental. I don’t need you hovering over me to find that out. So, call off your dog or I will shoot the shit out of him so help me God.”

“Calm down.”

“I’m about as calm as I’m going to get!”

I ended the call and marched around my ride to get inside. Raquim hadn’t moved. I rolled the window down, looking him square in the eyes as I warned him.

“Follow me if you want to and I’m going to pick your casket out myself.”

I burned rubber out of the parking spot I’d made for myself. I didn’t get very far before my phone was ringing over the speakers in my car. Frustrated with Israel’s ability to upset me, I answered the call. Because, while I hated the way he looked after me, I loved it at the same time.

It reminded me of my brother’s protective nature. It didn’t matter how much I fought him about sticking his nose in my affairs, he continued to do so. As maddening as it was, I knew it was for my good.

“What is it, Israel?”

“This had little to do with me, Princess. And, everything to do with making sure you’re not about to do anything you’ll regret.”

“Or anything to upset you .”

“Maybe, but the picture is bigger than me. It includes you, too.”

He’d softened and so had his words. I remained quiet, contemplating ending the call. He’d said what he needed to say, and I needed a moment of silence.

“I apologize.” He sighed.

The ice around my heart couldn’t handle the heat. It began to melt. Slowly, but surely.

“I apologize for adding fuel to your fire after an unpleasant experience. I can’t apologize for looking out for you, Princess. And, I won’t.”

I listened, unable to form words that would make sense at the moment.

“Say something.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Israel.”

“Say what you’re feeling.”

“Overwhelmed.”

“Understandable. How can I assist in your underwhelming?”

“You can’t.”

I’ve brought this upon myself by not respecting my own boundaries when it comes to men. When it comes to you. I hate it and I love it at the same time.

The words never left my mouth. I rubbed my hand up and down my thigh, trying to settle my spirit and regain control of myself. Israel made that difficult. I was a mess whenever he was involved. I almost didn’t recognize myself most times.

“I can and I will.”

“You know she’s with me?”

“I know now. Well, I’ve known for at least an hour now. It was Malaya that Raquim was keeping an eye on for me. During school hours, he was able to take a break. When he settled at his post near Yara’s place, he assumed baby girl was already inside and tackling the homework she loves to do immediately after school. He didn’t know she was missing until you popped up on Yara’s porch. He heard every word you said.”

“Yeah, well, I meant them, too.”

“Thank you.”

“Is–”

“Her parents have washed their hands with her. Anyone less than perfect is no child of theirs. She only had one sister. She passed away from cancer. I am the only person in her ear demanding change besides our child.

“She needed that. She needed to hear that. So, thank you. That was something you didn’t have to do. So was taking Malaya in, in my absence. You’re stubborn, Princess, but your heart is gold.”

“She’s a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul.” I sighed. “She’s also a lost woman with a lost soul.”

“You’re right. But, I have faith she will find her way. I pray for her healing every day. Several times a day. Allah will dissolve her pain and restore her completely.”

“Yeah,” I agreed.

We bathed in silence for seconds on end. Just when I prepared to end the call, again, his voice appeared.

“I miss you, Princess.”

The truth was, I missed him too. Deeply. Madly. Confusingly. I wanted the space his absence provided, but simultaneously I wanted the comfort his presence provided.

“I would’ve much rather heard those words from your mouth the first time I answered the phone.”

“I know,” he responded, lowly.

Four seconds passed before I could get the words out of my mouth.

“I miss you, too.”

“Do you mean that shit or you’re just prolonging this conversation?”

“I wanted to hang up twice already. I’m not prolonging this conversation. You are.”

“I am,” he admitted. “Did you get your roses?”

“Yes. I did. They’re beautiful. The other ones are still alive.”

“That’s okay. I wanted to double up while I was gone, just in case they died.”

“Admittedly, I like when they die. There’s something so beautiful about a rose’s death. I haven’t figured out why, but–”

“You’ll have a lifetime to do so. Because they won’t ever stop coming, and they won’t ever stop dying.”

“You’re right.”

He’d made his point clear. He wasn’t planning to let me go any time soon. In fact, he wanted to do life with me. Yet, the words never came from his mouth.

“Stay on the phone with me until you’re home.” Israel yawned.

“You’re tired.”

“Not too tired to make sure you make it home safely since you’ve run off my fucking back up.”

“He’s a snitch.”

“He’s doing his job, Princess. That doesn’t make him a snitch.”

“In my book it does. Make it clear to him that I’m not the job. You are.”

“How is she?” He changed the subject, uninterested in the direction it was headed.

“She’s fine. Happier. Better. Just jolly all around.”

“That’s my girl.”

Israel’s love for Malaya was apparent. He loved her loudly and she was a reflection of that.

“She has a new wardrobe, new skin routine, and a set of temporary lashes on those pretty eyes of hers. She scored majorly in the confidence category today.”

“Feels good hearing that.”

“Felt good seeing it.”

We settled in a comfortable silence. Israel was barely hanging on by a thread. Yawn after yawn coated the line. I couldn’t help the smile that lifted my cheeks. He was trying his hardest to stay awake, but it was tough.

By the time I made it into my garage, light snores could be heard on the other end. I pressed my back into the seat and lowered it slightly. Carefully, I listened as peace consumed him.

Once the fun ends, Israel will still be around. Ready and willing .

Baby’s words circled in my head as Israel fell deeper into his slumber. If I was ever ready to give my whole heart to a human, I hoped he’d still be around. Ready and willing. But, it wouldn’t be today. It surely wouldn’t be tomorrow. Until it happened, I planned to enjoy him fully.