Page 34 of Ringmaster (The Kingdom of Shadow & Bone #1)

Mercy

My legs burn from crouching to clean the floors all morning.

I wipe the sweat from my brow as I put the bucket away and inspect my handiwork.

As my eyes scan the space, they land on my mother, just walking in the door with a basket full to the brim from the market.

Ever since he forbade me from leaving the house, she’s had to go in my place—another quiet sacrifice she never signed up for.

“Mother, you’re just in time for some morning tea,” I smile warmly, guilt gnawing at me from the inside out.

She eyes me suspiciously. “That would be nice.”

I silently prepare the tea, adding a platter of fresh berries from the garden, cream, and a variety of dried meats, cheeses, and yesterday’s bread.

When my mother sits down at the small kitchen table, I pour us each a cup of tea.

“What is it that’s on your mind?” Her voice is soft, filled with understanding. “If it’s about the Market and Miriam, you know I can’t go against him.”

Tears rise, and I blink them back. I will not cry. I refuse to be hurt by a man who has no claim to me.

“Mother, let me explain everything. Please, just hear me out.” I keep my voice steady.

She nods, sipping her tea and leaning back in the chair.

“I want you to understand—it should be my decision. And no matter what you do or say, I will find a way.” I don’t look at her. I focus instead on a worn spot on the wall behind her.

“Go on,” she says, but her voice is cold, hollow. Like she’s already given up hope.

“This mess exists because I didn’t listen. But Azrael’s done everything he can to fix things.”

“Azrael?” she asks, lifting a brow. “Is that the boy from the circus? Oh, Mercy. Please tell me it’s not.” Her eyes are wide with concern.

I try not to roll mine. “It is. And before you say anything—don’t.” I shift uncomfortably. “I care for him. And he cares for me. Two days from now, he’s coming for me.”

“Absolutely not.” She slams her hands on the table. “No daughter of mine is running off with the circus. What would people say?”

“Does it matter what people say? Do you actually care more about the opinions of busybodies and strangers than you do about your own flesh and blood?” I quell the tremor in my jaw. “Don’t you want me to be happy? Or would you really damn me to the same life as you?”

Her expression falters. Her eyes drop to her tea. Her hand trembles ever so slightly. And the guilt hits hard. I instantly regret my words.

“How is he going to keep you safe when your father finds out?” she hisses.

It’s my turn to slam my hands against the table. “He’s not my father. He has no claim to me. I will not agree to his arranged marriage. You’ll watch me escape. I’ll run far, far away from you both.”

My mother chokes back a sob. Something inside her shatters. “Azrael’s endangering all of us. You’re both fools if you think there won’t be consequences.”

“He hasn’t recklessly endangered me. He’s done nothing but protect me.” I decide she’s nowhere near ready to hear about the soul-binding.

Tears roll down my mother’s face. “So I’m going to lose you?”

“You were going to lose me either way. Do you really think if he gets his way, you’ll ever see me again? I’m nothing more than a transaction to him. It’s always been like this, but you know nothing of the secrets we both kept from you.”

My mother’s face twists in horror. I’ve caught my mother entirely off guard. She blinks several times, struggling with what I’ve said. I’m right, and she knows it. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“Azrael will take care of me. He’ll protect me. I believe in him. And you know what? He says you can come too. He’s willing to take us both, because I refuse to leave you here to suffer. You don’t love him. Come with me. Be free?”

Shock washes over her face. “Mercy, you know I could never—”

“You can, Mother. You just choose not to. Uncle would’ve taken us in years ago, but you’ve always been too proud. Well, I refuse. I won’t live this way. All you have to do is be brave enough to say yes.” I plead, reaching for her hand. “We could live comfortably, far away from the monster.”

I don’t tell her we’d still be living with a monster… because Azrael is nothing like the man pretending to be my father.

She falls quiet, and for the first time, I feel hopeful that she might say yes.

“I can’t stop you. That’s clear,” she says at last. “You have my blessing to go. I want to know you’re happy and safe—even if I never see you again.”

I beam. A small victory. But it’s not enough to satisfy me. “Come with me, Mother. You could see me every day for the rest of your life. If you stay—” I stop, struggling to say it aloud. “If you stay, he’ll kill you.”

She leans her head back in the chair, eyes closed.

“Then I’ll know my daughter escaped. That she’s loved. I know Azrael cares for you, and I know he intends to keep you safe. I can sacrifice myself to know you will never again suffer at his hands.” She sighs heavily, tears rolling down her cheeks.

I bite my lip, trying to hold back the ones welling in my own eyes. “But you don’t have to die. You can live on—to see your grandchildren, to start over. Why won’t you come with me?” I beg, exasperated by her stubbornness. “Don’t you love me enough to save yourself, Mother? Don’t you want to live?”

She reaches for my hand, stroking it gently, just like she used to when I was a child and she’d lie beside me, coaxing me to sleep. “My story may be over,” she says softly, “but yours is just beginning, my love.”

“No! I refuse to let you be complacent. I won’t sentence you to death.

Don’t you see? I can’t live with that burden.

Stop being stubborn. Save yourself—and come with me.

If you won’t agree, I’m going to beg Azrael to bring you with force.

I can’t—” The dam finally breaks. Tears stream freely down my cheeks in a flood I can no longer hold back.

“He already promised me.” I shout through the sobs. “It’s already done. He’s going to protect you too, and you are coming with me. I won’t let him hurt you anymore.”

My mother purses her lips, frowning at me. “Then I suppose it’s decided. I’m going with you. Apparently, you’ve left me no other choice.”

I leap from the table and throw my arms around her neck, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “I promise you won’t regret this. Give him a chance, Mama—you’ll adore Azrael.”

A huge weight lifts from my shoulders. Knowing my mother is safe and coming with me is such a relief. It’s going to make walking away easier and so satisfying.

“Come help me with the vegetables,” she insists. “You can tell me more about him while we work.”

We fall into an easy rhythm—I peel while she chops.

The quiet repetition soothes my nerves. I’ve talked her ear off about Azrael, hitting the highlights and leaving out the things I know she wouldn’t approve of.

Eventually, I run out of things to say. Which means…

it’s time to approach the topic of Miriam.

“Mother,” I begin, wiping my hands, “there’s one more thing I need your help with.”

“Oh?” She raises a brow.

“It’s important to me that I say goodbye to Miriam.

I don’t know if it’s forever, or just for now, but I want her to know what I’m planning, so she can find me if she ever needs to.

Please. I know I’m not allowed at the Market, and I know he probably has eyes on me, but I have to see her.

” I study her reaction, waiting for a reply.

“I understand. What if you dressed in my clothes and wore one of my oversized hats to cover your face? If you keep it brief, we might be able to pull it off tomorrow.”

My breath catches. “Mother, you’re brilliant. You’ll really let me say goodbye?”

“Yes, my sweet girl. I know what you mean to one another. It will be good if someone knows where we’ve disappeared to.” She pauses. “And you’re certain she’ll keep our secret?”

“Yes. Miriam will keep our secret safe. I know she will.” I squeal with joy and pull her into another hug.

“Thank you!”

“I’ll be fast—there and back. By the time he finds out, we’ll be long gone.” I smile, hope swelling in my chest.

My mother smiles back at me. “We should start packing the old trunks. There’s a lot that’ll need to wait until the morning we leave, but we can be as prepared as possible.”

I nod. I don’t have much to bring with me.

I can fit my entire life inside the old trunk under my bed.

There’s nothing else here I want because I don’t want to remember my life in this prison.

Soon, we’ll both be free. A peaceful calm settles over the house, and for the first time in a long while, I let myself believe—

This must be what hope feels like.