Page 15 of Rancher’s Strength (Flying Diamond 5, #4)

“I’m okay, Lex, but I know I need to talk to someone who isn’t involved in my life.

There’s been no suicidal ideations since Kipp found me, and to be honest, I don’t know if I even would have gone through with it.

I just hurt so much because you hurt so much that it felt like the only thing you could do.

” My words were soft, but the power behind them was enough to make her sigh and move into my arms.

“How can you even stand to look at me?” She buried her head under my chin, and all at once, the world seemed to stop and speed up all at the same time. I was too vulnerable to tell her I was still in love with her, but I was also no longer into hiding things.

“There’s no way I could keep my eyes off you,” I said, wrapping her hair around my fingers.

Ruby screamed from her room, “Mom! Mommy.”

“Shit,” we said in unison as we flung the blankets off us. Lexie ran out the door first, and I hopped down the hallway, pulling on my pants before bolting up the stairs.

“Hey Ruby, it’s okay. You were just having a nightmare,” Lexie crooned as she pulled Ruby into her arms. What an understatement. It was a nightmare Ruby couldn’t wake up from.

I took a seat on the opposite side of her, and she turned her head toward me. “Do you want to tell us about it?”

“I was dreaming about the wedding, and I thought I saw her in the trees. But when she saw me looking at her, she walked away.” Her tears dripped off her cheeks and ran down my side.

“I ran after her, calling out to her, but she didn’t stop, and I’d followed her so far I was lost.” Ruby crawled over to where I saw and wrapped her arm around me, and I shifted so I could hold onto her tighter.

“I was so happy to see her, but it was like she didn’t even know who I was.” Lexie shifted on the bed and moved to sit right beside her. Lex looked up at me, her eyes filled with tears and fear. She was looking to me to make things right, and I didn’t even know what to do.

“You know, dreams are just our brain’s way of working through things we don’t want to think about while we’re awake.

So today, you’ve been pretty preoccupied with being happy, and maybe somewhere in your brain, you were feeling bad about that.

” I looked over at Lexie, whose face was filled with awe, and I grimaced because I couldn’t shrug.

Lex smiled and nodded, and I hoped that meant I was saying the right things.

Ruby’s breathing was smoother, and her tears had stopped, yet she still clung to me.

“There’s no reason to feel bad about being happy.

Here’s a secret people never tell anyone.

” She tipped her head up, and her puppy dog eyes stared at me.

“You don’t have to be happy or sad, you can feel both emotions at the same time. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It feels wrong to be happy and having fun,” Ruby whispered.

“Do you know your mom’s biggest wish for you?

” Lexie asked as she ran her hand over Ruby’s light brown hair.

The girl shook her head no. “She wanted you to have the happiest life possible. Now, we’ve hit a pretty big wall, but I know for a fact your mom and dad don’t want you to be sad forever.

And like Uncle Ryder said, you can be both, but we hope your happy times start to become more frequent as you grow here with us.

” My heart pounded when Lexie said us . It had been so long since there had been an us, and now the us needed to be stronger than ever for Ruby and Sawyer.

“Do you think you can go back to sleep, or do you want to talk about this more?” I asked as I tilted my head to look at Ruby.

“I think I can sleep.” She scooted back down, put her head on her pillow, and both Lexie and I moved off her bed.

“How about Auntie Lexie and I sleep in her old room so we’re closer if you need us?” I asked, avoiding Lexie’s gaze for fear of bursting out laughing.

“That would be good,” Ruby said as her eyes drifted closed, and she took a deep breath and fell asleep. We moved quietly out of the room and pulled the door almost closed, leaving it open just enough to hear her easily if she woke up again.

Lexie’s room hadn’t been touched since she left for college, and when I flicked the light on, I stared at the trophies and ribbons on the large shelf above her bed. “That’s dangerous, you know,” I said as she climbed under the pink frilly comforter.

“Well let’s hope it only falls on your head because you do the chivalrous thing and push me out of the way.” She touched the lampshade beside her, and the light flickered on. I turned off the big overhead light before moving to the bed and climbing in.

“You know I’d save you first.” Flopping down, I wished I’d had the pillow from the other room rather than this flat one.

“You really liked pink.” I tried to suppress a laugh, but as I looked at the bubble gum pink walls, the celebrity posters still handing around the room, and the fake roses in vases, it was hard to believe that my minimalistic wife once lived here.

“It was a phase, and when I grew out of it, Mom said I couldn’t change it because I’d signed a contract with Dad that I wouldn’t repaint it when I hated it. They tried to talk me out of the pink for months, but I was stubborn.” She laughed and turned onto her side to face me.

“No, not you, that’s shocking.” I missed her reaching over to slap me until the sound and sting of her hitting my chest vibrated through me. I grabbed her hand before she could pull it away and kept it pinned to my chest. Lexie didn’t attempt to move it either.

As I stared at the shelves above my head, I knew the trophies were for school sports, the buckles were from barrel racing, and the ribbons were from academics. I knew everything about this woman, and lying beside her, I almost felt like she was a stranger again.

“The day the papers showed up, I was at the ranch alone. For a long time, I just stared at them on the table with the tabs that needed my initials or signature. It was all so black and white, technical and impersonal.” I don’t know what made me start talking, but I knew her, and she’d be worried about me until I opened up to her.

“I left before the others returned from town, but I’d left the papers sitting on the table and taken a horse.

I needed to get away from the guys. The papers and home still held too many memories of you, so there was no way I was staying there.

” The bed shifted beside me, and Lexie rolled onto her side and took my hand.

“We don’t have to do this tonight,” she said softly.

“I know, but I need to, and you deserve to have the entire story.” I rolled over to face her but didn’t let go of her hand. If I was going to get through this, I would need an anchor.

“Where did you go?” Lexie asked, her question filled with concern. In the dark, I felt safe talking to her, with only the light from the moon illuminating the room.

“To the old winter cabin, which burned down a bit ago,” I added, trying to lighten the mood.

“Why are you guys having so much trouble?”

“It’s a long story, one we can save that for another bedtime.

” She nodded, and I continued. “I didn’t realize how many days I’d been gone.

One turned into another, and to be honest, I was drunk or passed out for most of them.

When the alcohol ran out, the memories flooded back, missing you became unbearable, and I found myself on the back of my horse, riding to the lake.

In my mind, I thought if I went there, you might feel me and come too.

” She squeezed my hand tighter, a tear slipping down her cheek.

“I sat there all night, not caring that I was cold or hungry. I just wanted the hurt to end. For hours, I sat there with my rifle. First, it was just out of reach, then I moved it to my side, then I laid it across my lap, and then I picked it up.” I didn’t want to talk anymore, but this wasn’t where I needed to stop.

“That’s when Kipp rode up. He grabbed the gun and flung it as far as he could into the lake.

He didn’t say a word; he just stood me up and helped me get back on Doc.

We rode all the way back to the main house in silence.

Step for step, Kipp was at my side, never taking his eyes off me.

” I’d told this story to my therapist and didn’t feel any emotion, but tonight, a tear dripped from the corner of my eye and ran across my nose.

“When we got back, they warmed me up, got some food into me, and kept a twenty-four-hour rotating watch on me for a month. Once they decided I wasn’t a harm to myself, they let me sleep alone, but someone was with me all day, working me to exhaustion.

” My bones still ached from those days when I worked so hard.

“Julie found me a therapist that would come to the ranch. I’m pretty sure she paid a pretty penny to do it.

The first few times she was out, all we did was sit in silence.

I didn’t know what to say or if I wanted to say anything.

But gradually, she’d gained my trust, and we talked about everything from being an unwanted kid to the divorce to the lake.

” My mouth was dry from all the talking, and I wondered if this was a place where we could stop for the night, but a nagging feeling told me I needed to keep going.

“Those sessions, and the ones since, have taught me a lot about myself. I’ve realized the pressure I put on both of us to have a perfect life and family, trying to compensate for the one I didn’t have growing up.

I owe you an apology because I know I didn’t make you feel like you were enough.

But you were. Oh god, Lex, you were more than enough.

You were my everything. I wish I could start over or take it back, but all I can do is tell you I’m sorry—for everything.

” My voice cracked, and Lexie moved into my arms.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” she whispered, holding onto me tightly. I don’t know how long we stayed wrapped up in one another, but eventually, we let go and returned to our own sides of the bed—which wasn’t what I wanted, but I needed to respect her boundaries.