CHAPTER 21

Darcel

T his was torture of the worst kind.

I had naively assumed that once I’d accustomed myself to the idea of Ren’s true identity as a woman in disguise, I would be able to resume the quest as I had before, with the only complication being extra vigilance in protecting Mei’s secret. I had never had trouble keeping a confidence, so I could foresee no issues.

I couldn’t have been more mistaken. Whereas before she had simply been a background presence whom I occasionally looked out for and interacted with, now she entirely consumed me, distracting me from my purpose—continuously capturing my notice whenever she was near, and causing me to eagerly anticipate her presence when she wasn’t.

I knew I needed to be careful of how much attention I gave her—my looking out for her as the weakest member of our entourage had already drawn Kael’s notice and Jiang’s ire, and those previous distinctly familial protective instincts were nothing to those I experienced now. I found myself drawn to her, as if some sort of spell had been cast upon me, luring me beyond my control.

I groaned as I adjusted once again my position, my body angled to provide a protective barrier between Mei and the others. I struggled to reach the sleep that danced elusively just beyond my grasp, the task more difficult with just how close I now lay to Mei; the night had begun with our beds at a respectful distance but we’d both unconsciously moved closer throughout the night, our bodies drawn together by an unseen force.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw her face when she revealed herself to me, turned up to mine with an expression of mingled fear and hope. Any time my eyes opened they immediately searched out her position from where she lay nearby, her blanket rising and falling with her breaths.

As the first grey hint of light illuminated our campsite, she rolled towards me and I saw that sleep had likewise eluded her. A quick glance showed me that Kael still slept, while Jiang’s back was momentarily turned to us as he poked at the fire.

I reached out to trace the line of her cheek, marveling at the softness of the skin where I’d grown accustomed to seeing stubble. I leaned a little closer to whisper to her, rewarded by the way she caught her breath at my proximity.

“Your disguise is still gone.” I curled my fingers around hers briefly before regretfully withdrawing. “Please don’t hide yourself from me anymore.”

Her expression drooped before she looked up again with wistful longing. “I have to,” she breathed, her words barely audible.

I bit my lip, unwilling to compromise her security, yet the idea of continuing this quest with her in her man’s form when I knew her true identity severed the last thread binding my fragile patience. I could no longer bear to interact with Mei while disguised as Ren, unsatisfied with the occasional glimpses I caught of her real self hidden beneath.

“I don’t think I can endure this charade any longer. Surely there’s a spell that allows you to keep your disguise for the others, but lets me see you as you truly are. For my sanity’s sake, Mei, let me keep you with me.” My voice was low and urgent, my plea laden with quiet desperation, and I saw her eyes soften.

She fell silent for a long moment, deep in thought, as if mentally sorting through the recipes she had meticulously cataloged in her mind, weighing each against the ingredients she had on hand with those that grew nearby.

“There is a recipe for that,” she finally responded, frowning slightly. “But it requires a condition to be met in order for it to work.”

I sat up eagerly. “What condition is that?”

She gestured for silence as Jiang glanced back with a furrowed brow. Once his attention shifted away, she subtly tipped her head towards the dense woods encircling the clearing. Swiftly, she slid from beneath her blanket, grabbed her satchel, and with a nonchalant nod to Jiang, she vanished into the trees.

I waited an impatient moment to make my following less obvious, before likewise standing and heading off in a different direction. Once out of view of the campsite I doubled back, making my way to where she waited.

I paused when I caught sight of her. Even in the still-dark of the early morning the graceful lines of her figure as she knelt on a mossy patch were beguiling, making me wonder yet again how I had never noticed before. I seated myself beside her as she rummaged through her bag, pulling out various herbs and bottles.

“There might be something I can try.” Her fingers danced over the labels, her brow furrowing in concentration. “This one enhances perception, but it’s too volatile for subtle magic. This one sharpens the senses, but it might make you too sensitive to light…”

Her knowledge unfolded like a map as she explained each option, each path branching into possibilities I had never imagined, deepening my awe at her vast knowledge that had allowed her to improvise during such a tense situation.

“You said there was a condition to the spell you want to try?”

She paused her preparations, biting her lip in visible worry. “I can’t disclose what this is, or the concoction might fail.” Her voice dropped to a murmur so faint it seemed she was speaking more to herself than to me. “This is the ultimate test.”

Whatever the mysterious nature of the spell, it didn’t lessen my resolve. No matter what requirements were demanded of me, I would meet them.

Mei’s gaze settled on a small, unassuming plant with delicate blue flowers nestled amongst the roots of a nearby tree. “This might work. It’s called mirage mallow. It possesses the ability to bend light, or in this case, perception. So long as—” Her words abruptly faltered and I didn’t press her, aware that the spell likely rested on following directions with the utmost care.

Together we gathered the required herbs, Mei instructing me on how to cut them without damaging their essence. The intimacy of our shared task, the closeness as we brushed against each other while reaching for the same branch or leaf, was both a thrill and a torment.

Mei ground the herbs with precise, practiced movements, adding them to a small pot of water she heated over a small fire. The concoction bubbled softly, releasing a fragrance that was both earthy and sweet.

“Close your eyes,” she instructed. I obeyed, tensing in anticipation, the air cool against my eyelids as she leaned close. I relaxed upon feeling the first caress of her fingers, gentle as she deftly applied the salve beneath my eyes. The touch of her skin against mine stirred something within me, deeper and much more profound than my previous feelings that had been solely friendship.

When I opened my eyes, the world seemed unchanged at first glance…but the moment I turned to Mei my breath caught in my throat. The illusion of Ren gradually faded before my eyes like mist at sunrise, revealing Mei in all her delicate beauty. Her features, once obscured, were now painfully clear and achingly familiar.

I reverently traced each one—from the gentle curve of her cheeks to the cascade of her dark hair framing her face that I dreaded the eventual necessity of eventually putting back up as part of her disguise. The disguise hadn’t done justice to the memory of her true form and beauty. Now that I knew Mei’s true identity I couldn’t unsee it.

More than her appearance, it was the essence of her that shone through—from the resilience in her eyes, to the curve of her smile that spoke of strength and kindness. As I gazed at her, something within me shifted, a realization as bright and terrifying as the dawn.

I was in love with her. Not just with the fierce herbalist who had defied a prince, or the brave woman who had ventured into the unknown for the sake of her father, but with Mei —every part of her that she had revealed and all that remained yet undiscovered. No matter the challenges ahead, my path was irrevocably intertwined with hers.

As we made our way back to camp she walked so close to me, within an arm’s reach, proximity that tempted me to reach out and take her hand. I clenched my fists to resist the impulse, but it was impossible to ignore the lure that repeatedly beckoned my gaze. The early rays of sun glinted off her hair, carelessly tied back to maintain her masquerade. I couldn’t help but admire how the light created a soft halo around her face, enhancing each gentle curve, as if she were part of the landscape itself.

I allowed her to return first before making my separate way back. I did my best to resist the temptation to stare at her all throughout our quick breakfast, or to remain too close when we broke camp and started on today’s travel.

Just beyond us, dawn bathed the lush valley below in a warm glow, with the first rays of sunlight piercing the morning mist to reveal terraced rice paddies cascading down the hillsides like emerald steps leading to an ancient temple. Cherry blossoms fluttered in the gentle breeze, their delicate pink petals a vivid contrast against the deep greens of the surrounding bamboo groves. In the distance, majestic peaks cut a sharp silhouette against the clear blue sky, their snow-capped summits standing sentinel over the serene landscape.

Each element combined into a breathtaking tableau of natural splendor, yet beneath this beauty a darker narrative unfolded, growing ever more paramount the closer we drew to the Realm of Shadows. A subtle blight crept along the edges of the forest, the leaves tinged with unnatural blackness, a stark reminder of the curse that lingered over the land. The once clear rivers now flowed with murkiness, and flowers that should have been bursting with color had become dulled, as if the land’s vitality was melting away.

I could see Mei’s worry etched in every delicate line of her disguise as she took in the landscape, one of the few falters in the illusion of Ren that drove me mad. I ached to uncover not only her true form but her thoughts; at times I succeeded in catching expressions that gave me fleeting glimpses into her emotions, but the effort was exhausting, leaving me wishing there was a spell to unveil her heart as well as her body so I could see her as herself—not merely the beautiful woman I was coming to know but her hopes, joys, and fears as well.

Her brow arched inquisitively when she caught me staring—a look so endearing that it shattered the last of my restraint. Leaning in, I whispered close to her ear, surrendering to the torment of maintaining our distance to finally give in to the compelling urge to draw nearer to her. “You’re being too obvious. You need to behave more like a man.”

Her eyes narrowed. “I assure you that my confession of my identity hasn’t altered my efforts to maintain my disguise.”

That couldn’t possibly be true, not when every look and movement was reminiscent of Mei, so incongruous with the male persona she struggled to maintain. “I’m afraid that despite your endeavor, nothing about this is manly.” I gestured to all of her.

Manly was the least accurate descriptor; she was agonizingly beguiling, and only became more so when she lifted her chin in challenge. “Yet my act is not only sufficient enough not to draw the others’ notice, but to have fooled you before you knew my true identity.”

Past Darcel had been completely blind; her true self was obvious in each interaction and tender look she cast my way. Magic or not, I couldn’t believe any spell had ever convinced me she was anything but a woman.

“Your femininity is not only distracting but also disconcerting, especially since I know the truth.”

“In what way am I not behaving convincingly enough?” Her earnest look nearly undid me, one of many moments that tested my faltering willpower.

Before I could respond, Kael approached, his gaze briefly flicking towards Mei before asking how long I thought my leg would hold out on today’s trek. Mei excused herself and walked ahead while we spoke, and I made an effort not to stare at her the whole time I conversed with Kael. Our conversation on her behavior would have to wait until we had another moment alone, and there was no telling when we’d be able to speak without interruption.

Once I’d returned to her side, I struggled against the impulse to pay Mei too much attention in full view of the others. Despite my resolve, I found myself captivated by her manner and the subtle grace with which she moved. I could only notice from afar in silent torment until I was finally granted reprieve when we took a short break just before noon.

Jiang and Kael went off hunting, leaving us with the supplies and a task to go over our route, one that would have to wait until I’d satisfied my suppressed longings. I approached her and cleared my throat, finding it difficult to articulate the specific ways her natural demeanor betrayed her when there were so many other things I longed to say.

I stood silently next to Mei until she gave me a puzzled look. I awkwardly cleared my throat. “Your gestures are too refined. Men tend to be more abrupt.” I demonstrated by adjusting my stance, letting my movements become more angular.

Mei watched intently, her brow furrowed in concentration. Then, with a slight nod, she attempted to mimic the movement, her sincere effort still tinged with a fluid elegance that was innately hers. “Like this?” Her voice dropped in an attempt to sound more masculine, but the softness of her tone only highlighted her femininity further.

I hesitated, torn between my duty as her mentor and a newfound reluctance to alter anything about her, a sentiment rooted in my deepening feelings for her.

Seizing the opportunity to offer more tailored guidance, I moved closer. Gently I adjusted her shoulders, feeling her muscles tense under my palms. Though my touch was meant to be instructive, I couldn't ignore the heated connection between us, sparking something indefinable between us.

Our eyes met and for a moment time seemed to suspend, her gaze holding mine in silent conversation. “It’s not just how you move,” I admitted. “It’s everything about you. Now that I know you’re Mei, it’s impossible to see anyone else.” My confession—heavy with unspoken feelings and realizations—lingered in the air, marking a shift I was only just beginning to comprehend.

Her cheeks warmed but she didn’t look away. “I’m thankful you can see me as I really am.” Her voice was soft, irresistibly compelling. “Even at home where everyone knows I’m a woman, most only see me as the herbalist’s daughter. But it seems as though you see deeper than that—not my occupation or even my legacy, but simply Mei .”

I longed to share that I hoped she could also see beneath the veneer of royalty to the man Darcel, but a fluttering breeze twitched the map Mei held, reminding me of our duty. I didn’t relish the thought of facing Jiang and Kael if they returned to find we hadn’t so much as glanced at the route.

Reluctantly I gestured to the parchment. “Kael said there are multiple possible paths we could take, and since he isn’t familiar with this area he thought we might be able to give some insights from the map, since it concerns terrain.”

We seated ourselves on a large stone that was warm from the sun, close enough that our shoulders brushed. I watched, mesmerized, as Mei drew a delicate finger over the map, tracing a path. Dimly I heard her voice but couldn’t seem to keep my mind on what she was saying about thick forests and steep inclines.

As the sun moved slowly overhead, we attempted to formulate a plan of travel, though progress was slow as she seemed to be as distracted as I was. Making a valiant attempt to focus on the map, I leaned forward to point to a diagram showing a patch of rocky hills just as she touched the same spot. We both jumped at the contact but she didn’t move her fingers and, emboldened, I wrapped my hand around hers. She looked up at me, eyes widening.

Kael’s sudden voice shattered the moment. “Are we ready to move on, Your Highness?” His sharp tone was a stark intrusion into the quiet intimacy that had unfolded between us.

We sprang apart, the map falling to the grass, and I inwardly cursed at how guilty the sudden distance made us appear. Mei adjusted her hat, a quick, flustered motion that did little to hide her flushed cheeks. I turned towards Kael, masking my irritation with a nod. “Yes, let’s continue,” I managed, my voice steadier than I felt.

My thoughts whirled as he nodded and walked on ahead. How much had he seen? The question gnawed at me, adding a weight to my steps as I pondered the risk of our near discovery.

That tense confrontation marked only the beginning; the force of Mei’s disgruntled glare promised yet another. I summoned my courage to glance towards her. The fire in her eyes I’d come to crave raged furiously, and might have been exhilarating if I wasn’t the source of her ire.

She drew near, causing my heartbeat to quicken in anticipation for a reason far different than the battle that was about to commence. “You promised to help me protect my secret, but so far your efforts have made me almost get caught. Are you sabotaging me on purpose?”

“I would never do that.”

Despite the fluster her proximity caused, I must have sounded sincere, because her frustration softened into a sigh. “Then why have I received more attention ever since you discovered my identity?”

I sensed the reasons lurking in my subconscious, just beyond my reach. I had an inkling of what they were, but to admit them would complicate everything, thrusting me into a battle I had no hope of winning…and traveling with her was already torturous enough even without such a confession.

But she deserved some explanation. “I can’t help it,” I murmured. “Now that I see you as Mei, it’s impossible to pretend you’re anyone else. This is why I initially forbade you from accompanying us on our quest. I knew I had no hope against a beautiful, intelligent, and strong woman…and that was before we became friends. Now I feel we’ve crossed the point of no return, and I can never return to the way it was before.”

It had been the apology I’d been wanting to give her ever since departing her apothecary several weeks ago. She blinked, seeming startled by this confession. “That was the real reason you forbade my accompanying you? It had nothing to do with my capabilities?” At my confirming nod, a small, hopeful smile touched her lips, a sight too beguiling for me to immediately look away.

Our journey together had revealed her character: her profound knowledge, unwavering resilience, fierce independence, endearing vulnerabilities, and undeniable bravery. With my focus on my royal duties, I seldom paid much attention to the women of the court…only to meet this remarkable woman beyond the palace walls. Rather than the glittering jewels and coy conversations I was accustomed to, Mei’s admirable qualities only deepened the friendship we’d already forged, her essence combining into everything that was beautiful and beguiling, challenging my preconceived notions of strength and grace.

These thoughts plagued me throughout the morning. Our entourage took a break at noon, but whatever physical respite it offered felt insignificant against the inner turmoil raging within me. While Jiang and Kael sought refuge in the shade, restlessness gripped me, and I found myself pacing. My footsteps of their own accord led me towards where Mei rested just a short distance away behind a copse of trees that afforded us some privacy.

She gave me a quizzical look, and I grasped at the first excuse I could think of to explain my presence. “Just checking to make sure you're alright.”

Naturally the words ruffled her fierce independence that was one of many of her endearing qualities. “Of course I am. I’m perfectly capable of managing a morning's travel.”

I knew she was more than capable; she was perhaps the most competent woman I had ever encountered…as well as the most intriguing, a fact which only deepened my consuming desire, compelling me to find reasons to be near her. “It’s been some time since our last training session. Even though you’re disguised as Ren, I was under the impression it was Mei’s desire to grow stronger.”

As the words left my lips, I recognized that my motives were not entirely altruistic—as loathe as I was to admit it, they were driven by the selfish desire to interact with her under any guise, even one that was becoming increasingly difficult to have her maintain.

In truth, my invitation to train her again was a thinly veiled excuse; I had been unable to fully appreciate our first training session while under the assumption she was a boy, and I felt disgruntled by the missed opportunity to be close to her. The struggle to maintain professional distance was wearing on me, and my efforts to resist the urge to be close to her were faltering, growing ever stronger…until my resolve weakened completely.

I chided myself for these dishonorable desires, my resistance worn thin by exhaustion and an internal struggle that I was slowly losing. Regardless of my desperation, my wish wasn’t entirely selfish—enhancing her swordsmanship was a valuable skill, even for a brave and beguiling herbalist.

My reasoning seemed persuasive enough for her to reluctantly agree to my guidance. I handed her my sword and scrutinized her stance and technique, searching for any imperfection that could justify my intervention, before settling on the way she wielded her sword. Her grip was nearly flawless, but I felt compelled to suggest an adjustment.

I stepped forward. “Your hold needs adjusting.”

She narrowed her eyes at her hand. “This is the way you previously taught me.”

“No, it’s wrong. Here—” As I adjusted her grip, my hand inadvertently draped over hers. I was unprepared for the effect her touch had on me; the contact sparked an unexpected warmth against my skin, even more so than when we’d been looking at the map earlier. My fingers lingered longer than necessary, each subtle adjustment sending a thrill through me, the closeness a sweet torment.

“You’re holding it like you would a fan.” I kept my tone deliberately gruff, an additional protective barrier that her presence desperately required.

Her cheeks flushed an endearing pink as I closed the distance between us, using the proximity to adjust her posture. My hands on her shoulders felt more intimate than before as I moved her arms into position. I had to remind myself of the role I was supposed to play on improving her stance and bolstering her masculine disguise, tasks crucial for her protection.

Instead I found myself drawn into teasing her, nudging her boundaries just to elicit her spirited responses, a game that was becoming perilously delightful. “You need to be rougher, not delicate. Apply the same aggression to your movements that you do to those jabbing words you so often love to aim at me.”

Mei’s eyes narrowed playfully as she met my gaze with her usual spark of defiance. “Perhaps if my instructor wasn’t so distracting, I might learn faster.”

“Distracting how? Does this mean you think I’m handsome?”

I meant it as a quip to coax one of her sharp comebacks, but instead she blushed, a delightful sight that confirmed my secret hope and sent a warm flutter through my heart—a sensation that was becoming more common with each of our interactions.

A slow grin spread across my face. “I’m afraid there isn’t much I can do about my dashing charm.”

She huffed, though the smile tugging at the corner of her lips betrayed her playful annoyance. “You’re mistaken—it’s not your looks or your charm, but your unbearable modesty that’s truly distracting.”

Her words spoken in a voice laced with mock severity drew a genuine laugh from me; I was unable to suppress it in the face of her wit, so much like the Mei I’d come to know that made it increasingly difficult to maintain my facade of mere camaraderie. Our playful banter breathed life into me, igniting my heart with emotions too potent to ignore.

“I’ll make a valiant effort to become more humble if it’ll endear me in your good graces.”

She shook her head, a chuckle escaping her despite her feigned annoyance. “I fear it might be a lost cause at this point.” Her jest was light, yet the warmth underlying her tone imbued the air with a closeness that was becoming increasingly difficult to ignore.

“Rather than altruistic efforts to refine my dashing character, I suspect this is a ploy to distract me from the fact that you’re still not holding your sword correctly—you appear as if you’re performing dance rather than fighting.”

Amidst her resulting scowl a playful spark lit her eyes as she adjusted her grip to an overly exaggerated position. “Since you’re obviously an expert in the feminine arts, enlighten me on how to make this dance more manly. Is this the proper way I should hold it?”

Her tone carried an emotion different from our usual banter, a hint of allure as she cast me an inviting glance, as if she’d intentionally used the incorrect position to draw me closer…an invitation I was desperate to accept.

My heart flared and I swallowed. “You still look too gentle. It’s not just about how you hold the sword but how you carry yourself. You’re a warrior, not a courtier.”

“I see.” She readjusted once again, her stance even more exaggerated than before. “Is this better?” Teasing filled her earnest tone, challenging me to correct her, while the mischievous glint lighting her eyes made it difficult to remember why fostering this closeness was a bad idea.

What had begun as a lighthearted exchange was turning dangerously compelling. As much I reveled in this dance of instruction and jest, with each passing moment my resolve wavered. I was supposed to be teaching her to maintain her disguise, but a reckless, foolish part of me yearned to see her drop the act entirely, to be simply Mei with no barriers between us.

With effort, I forced myself to step back. “Yes, exactly like that.” My voice caught slightly, causing her to frown, as if she sensed she’d pushed me to my limits.

Her response was a quick thrust, aimed with more precision than before, moving with a newfound confidence that almost caught me off guard. “You're proving to be a very effective instructor. There’s no hope for your humility. It’s only fair that I match your sincere efforts with some of my own.”

She took a position opposite me and squared her shoulders, though her execution was awkward and far too refined for the brutish persona she was supposed to embody. As I watched her attempt to mimic the aggressive stance I demonstrated, I felt a pang of guilt for enjoying this so much. Her efforts to adopt a rougher style were commendable, even as every falter and slight stumble was endearingly inept. Her cheeks flushed under my gaze, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of Mei beneath Ren’s guise.

As we continued our training, I showed her a series of aggressive maneuvers, each a challenge to her inherent gracefulness. I found myself inventing reasons to correct her, each touch a spark that threatened to ignite the emotions rapidly spiraling beyond my control.

This blend of banter and instruction was a perilous game. With each passing moment, the lines blurred further between the roles we were supposed to play and the reality of our growing connection, tightening the bond that drew us closer not just in proximity but in spirit.

Caught between the duty to protect her and the growing desire to be near her, I struggled to maintain focus, to remember that there was still a guise to uphold and a mission to complete…an almost impossible task when the depth of feeling that lay beneath was becoming too difficult to ignore.

But then she looked up at me with her soulful brown eyes, her expression open and vulnerable, and all thoughts of pretense vanished. In that moment, the world narrowed down to the space between us. I lost track of everything except her hands in mine, the warmth spreading from her touch, our locked gazes. Time seemed to suspend, leaving us stranded in a bubble of mutual recognition.

An unexpected arrival suddenly shattered the spell. “Your Highness?” Jiang’s bewildered voice pierced the moment like one of his carefully aimed swords.

With a gasp I released Mei and staggered back to spin on our unexpected audience, which thankfully consisted only of Jiang…though he was still one intruder too many. Horror seized my breath, but I had no words in defense, no excuse forthcoming for why I had been touching Mei disguised as Ren in such a way.

Jiang’s expression was solemn as he stared at me. A tense, suffocating silence settled around us before he cleared his throat awkwardly and departed with a hasty bow and a troubled expression.

I yearned to call him back so I could properly explain, but no amount of fumbled words would provide an adequate explanation that wouldn’t betray Mei’s secret. Though humiliation burned my cheeks, I resisted my desperation’s temptation to correct the misunderstanding.

I could only imagine what he must be thinking, each scenario a hit to my male pride, but I would rather sacrifice it for the honor in keeping Mei’s secret…not to mention I didn’t like the idea of the others knowing she was a woman quite yet.

The moment I assured myself he was well out of earshot, I released a bitter curse. Part of me hoped I’d misunderstood my faithful guard’s mistaken assumption, but by Mei’s own show of horror I clearly had not. “I’m so sorry, Darcel.” She sounded near tears, and I immediately regretted my show of frustration.

“It’s not your fault.” It was mine for getting so carried away when I knew my comrades were so close, but when it came to Mei, I seemed to lose all sense.

“But it is. If I hadn’t deceived everyone…you should have told Jiang the truth, that I’m really?—”

I pressed a gentle finger to her mouth, silencing her words. “I couldn’t do that. Nothing will compel me to break your confidence.” I lightly traced her lips’ bewitching shape once before withdrawing.

For a long moment she stared up at me, eyes glassy with unshed tears, before it seemed she could no longer contain her suppressed sob. “Why are you so noble?”

My decision didn't stem from a sense of duty or honor; it was the only path my heart allowed. Protecting Mei was well worth even my best friend getting a drastically wrong idea; even so high a price seemed but a small one to pay for her sake.

The close call we'd just experienced coupled with our recent proximity compelled me to scrutinize the true nature of my complicated feelings, until there could be no question for what I felt for the brave, enigmatic woman who had become not just my companion and confidant, but the most precious person to me.