Page 18
CHAPTER 18
Mei
M y comrades’ suspicious glances seemed to follow me wherever I went, monitoring my every move, a weight that somehow felt heavier than the pack I’d borne throughout our journey. It was easier to ignore Kael and Sir Jiang’s wariness, but though he didn’t treat me with as much coldness, Prince Darcel’s own scrutiny left me unsettled.
I didn’t resent him for his caution, especially considering he had already extended far more grace than I deserved. I found it ironic I’d failed a test of character after my repeated efforts to challenge the prince’s own since the beginning of our journey. As such these consequences were simply the justice due to me, rendered by the magic at work behind the scenes restoring balance.
There was no confusion in my mind why the grove had rejected me, considering my true identity and my initial reasons I’d embarked on this quest revolved around a lie, but what I didn’t understand was the reasoning for Prince Darcel’s defense. Whatever fragile friendship we’d forged seemed inconsequential to the damage a true traitor might render upon his kingdom, yet he’d defended me anyway, even without knowing the full story.
I glanced towards where he paced near the altar, his brow furrowed as he considered his next steps. I remained still and silent; there was nothing more I could say to defend myself than I already had, so I could only wait to see what the prince decided.
You know he’s going to insist on the truth.
I winced at Lumis’ voice, but at the same time I was ready to drop the burden of my pretense, to allow Darcel to see me as I was. For as much as I’d initially distrusted him for no substantial reason, he’d maintained his own despite the evidence against me to convince him otherwise. Such grace only deepened my regret in delaying revealing my true identity, a mistake I resolved to remedy at the earliest opportunity.
As if he’d been summoned by my silent wish, limping footsteps that had become intimately familiar sounded, approaching where I sat apart from the others, a distance symbolic of the distrust and tension created by my deceit. As always, my heart reacted to his presence. Instinctively I turned away, hoping the deepening dusk would conceal my heated blush until I could muster the courage to confess the reason behind it…though unfortunately averting my gaze only served to make me appear even more suspicious.
“Good evening, Darcel…Your Highness.” I hastily corrected my casual address, unsure of my standing after the events that had transpired at the altar.
He didn’t immediately return the greeting. My stolen peek revealed his solemn expression, illuminated by the lantern he held. My fingers instinctively reached towards my own sentient lantern, seeking its support in the conversation I both longed for and dreaded. Warmth spread as I took in the golden brushstrokes that caressed his features, a light that reached deep inside of me to illuminate the secret feelings tucked in the deepest crevices of my fluttering heart.
“Follow me.” Without another word he walked into the forest surrounding our camp.
I hesitated, acutely aware of what awaited me at the end of the path of where he was leading me. Despite his defense, I understood that Prince Darcel wouldn’t let the matter rest, bound by his role to investigate the secrets I harbored. I didn’t resent him for fulfilling his duty nor overlook the opportunity it offered for the long-overdue confession he deserved, but I still experienced trepidation about the inevitable repercussions that would surely follow.
With a shaky breath I picked up Lumis, who intuitively understood what illuminating power I would soon require. As we walked, our combined lights wove through the violet hues of encroaching twilight, casting shimmering specks along the path and across the trees, reminiscent of fireflies dancing in the night. Though the light guided our steps, I felt I was descending into the dark depths of uncertainty. Regardless of how our impending conversation unfolded, I knew it would irrevocably alter everything between us.
We stopped in a clearing that offered an unobstructed view of the sky. I tipped my head back and took in the stars, remembering the evening we’d spent beneath their enchanted expanse. He looked up as well, sentiment softening his usually stoic expression enough for me to hope he too was reminiscing about the same cherished memory.
I longed to delve deeper and uncover the thoughts he concealed, wishing for our shared night under the stars to be just the beginning of many more treasured moments together, but I knew we couldn’t move forward until the secret separating us had been uncovered…and only then if Darcel was willing to forgive and build a new relationship on the truth.
I expected him to immediately begin questioning me, but instead he remained silent, seemingly searching for the right words to begin. The only sound in the prolonged quiet was the rapid pounding of my heart, which felt amplified in the enveloping darkness.
He slowly met my gaze. “I trust you know the reason I need to speak with you?”
Fear tempted me to feign ignorance, but I was tired of the dishonesty I’d erected as a barrier between us. After the trust he’d shown me, I only wanted honesty in our interactions from this time forth. I nodded.
“I know our relationship was strained in the beginning,” he continued. “But throughout our journey you’ve become more than just my comrade on this quest—you’ve become a true friend.”
I had promised myself to face this confrontation with courage, but tears stung my eyes. Even spoken gently, his words cut deeply, feeling like sharp accusations against my guilty conscience. I struggled to hold back my tears, certain they would expose the woman I really was—men were expected to be strong, stoic, devoid of such emotions—and I wanted to be the one to reveal my true identity on my own terms.
“I consider you a true friend too, Darcel.” With all we’d endured together, he’d become so much more…but I feared I was about to lose even the premise of friendship.
Even amid the gravity of the moment I detected the shadow of his dear smile before the nature of our discussion forced it away. “With what happened back at the altar, I know I have every reason to be suspicious. But despite how things appear, I’ve learned not to take anything at face value. Otherwise I never would have discovered the hidden shadows still tainting the kingdom that at first glance appears to be thriving with the light’s return.”
“Yet for all the unseen shadows, light can still be found.” My words emerged as a desperate plea for him to remember all the light that filled our own relationship despite his recent discovery of the deceit that lay just out of sight.
His gaze met my own, firm and unwavering, yet brimming with resolve that caused hope to lift my heavy heart. “It is that very light that causes me to remember that no matter what I might discover about you, it won’t change anything—I choose to believe in my friends. Yet the fact remains that you have a secret you’re protecting.”
His voice wavered, revealing the hidden vulnerability I’d gradually caught glimpses of ever since the night we sat together beneath the stars, a moment that had been one of many when we’d opened up to one another and deepened our budding friendship.
His sweet words enfolded my heart, even as it cinched with the reality of the sins I bore. “How can you make such a claim despite everything? While I am honored by your faith in me, in truth I don’t deserve it.” My voice dropped to a whisper as I shrank back, but rather than retreating, Darcel stepped closer.
“Because a single instance isn’t enough to revoke my trust, especially when I myself have made plenty of mistakes during my reign as prince.” Even their mere mention seemed to weigh upon him, reminding me of the inadequacies he often alluded to. “If I hope to receive grace for my own shortcomings and perceived inadequacies, I must extend the same to others.”
He didn’t press me further, but I heard his unspoken invitation for me to turn to him and return the trust he’d extended to me with my own. I took a wavering breath. “Then there is something I must tell you.” I swallowed and lifted my anxious gaze to his.
“I sense the secret you’re keeping is a matter of great importance,” Darcel said. “I know there was something you tried to tell me after yesterday’s training, so I wanted to converse with you in private. I assure you that whatever you share will be kept in the utmost confidence.”
His implication settled over me—though he had every right to expose my secret, he was allowing me to keep it within my control. He wouldn’t coerce me into confessing; in the end it would be my choice to reciprocate the trust he had shown me. Gratitude swelled my heart, loosening my tight hold on the secret I’d kept locked away.
Standing at the crossroads between these two paths, the choice was clear—I would choose the path leading to him, but it could only be traversed if I showed him who I truly was.
Beyond the tiring deceit, the tender feelings I had developed for him acted as the guiding force behind my decision—I wanted to be myself to allow him to come to truly know me. Even if the truth caused me to lose him, he would at least know Mei: the woman who defied his royal command out of love for her father, the woman who had endured beyond her limits on a perilous quest to conquer her inadequacies and uphold her legacy, the woman who had deepened her passion and knowledge of herbalism, the woman whose trials had strengthened her character and deepened her friendships, and the woman who had sat with him beneath the stars. This was the truth of who I was, and it was time he knew it.
In the end, it wasn’t fear or force that would expose my secret, nor the exhaustion from the burden of my deceit, that made my decision—it was my love for him and need for him to know me as myself. The next step we took in our relationship wouldn’t be with my disguise as Ren; whatever came would only be between Darcel and Mei.
With this resolve I reached behind my back for the knot beneath my shirt securing the tight cloth bound around my chest that concealed my feminine form. Simultaneously, my free hand went to my topknot on my head; I tugged at both at the same time. My hair cascaded down around my shoulders as the binding fell to the ground. Hesitantly I lifted my eyes to see his reaction.
In the dimming light, his gaze first landed on the loose hair framing my face whose true appearance was still obscured by the illusion, before dropping to the coil of cloth gathered around my feet. His brow furrowed as his eyes slowly traveled upwards, pausing briefly at my chest before darting away. By his utter bewilderment he still couldn’t fully comprehend what I was showing him, as though his mind struggled to reconcile what his eyes were seeing.
My hand trembled as I lifted my lantern higher, granting it silent permission to shed its hidden light not only on my surroundings but also on the reality my magic had concealed. Lumis responded, casting its revelatory glow across my features, finally illuminating the truth that had been hidden beneath my guise.
Darcel gasped and staggered back. For a long moment he simply stared, eyes wide with disbelief as he finally saw me not as Ren, but as my true self, Mei.
Shock rendered him silent, a rare show of fluster for a man who prided himself in maintaining control over his emotions. After an agonizing moment he finally managed to swallow the lump blocking his voice. “You’re…a woman.” Betrayal and awe filled his stunned exclamation.
At my confirming nod he advanced a hesitant step, his bulging gaze taking in my face with an intensity that made me blush. I had always wanted to be looked at in such a way by him, as a man looking at a woman. Now that I’d finally obtained my wish, he scrutinized me in a way one might logically examine a perplexing problem, absent of the tenderness I longed to receive from him.
Overcome by a strange shyness, I lowered my eyes, unable to bear the weight of his gaze any longer. “My name is Mei.”
“ Mei …that name sounds familiar.” He didn’t have to consider long before he gasped in stunned recognition. “That woman at the apothecary!”
Defensiveness yanked my gaze back up. “If you’re referring to the woman who stood up to your unreasonable demands for the sake of her father, than yes, I am that woman from the apothecary .” I glared at him in defiance.
Annoyance flickered across his expression as the memories of our first contentious interaction resurfaced, but the emotion faded almost as quickly as it appeared. “Of course it would have to be you. My focus was so consumed with the details of the quest that I forgot that there is no record of the herbalist having a son.” Despite the tension rendered by such a revelation his lips twitched, as if tempted to smile. “You’re definitely the same troublesome woman, considering you like to make a fight out of everything. And here I believed the stubbornness you demonstrated then was a family trait, when in reality it is just one of your unique quirks.”
The banter felt familiar, as if my revelation had changed nothing…which somehow only heightened my anxiety. “I’ll embody as many unique quirks as necessary for the sake of those I love. My father wouldn’t have survived this arduous journey. I thought if I could protect him, no one would have to know of my deception.” The explanation tumbled out in a rush before I stiffened, awaiting his judgment.
Darcel sighed. “You don’t have to rationalize your decisions; I know my demands were unreasonable. Thankfully your feisty determination didn’t allow me to get my way so easily.”
I waited for the anger I fully expected, but he only sounded weary, as if this revelation had come at the end of a very long journey neither of us had entirely realized we’d embarked on.
He tilted his head, studying my features curiously. “I still can’t believe it was you all along. How did you manage such an elaborate deception?”
“A simple illusion ointment.” I slowly lowered the lantern so that its enchantment no longer revealed my true face. Darcel looked momentarily taken aback as the disguise reflected at him instead. It was undoubtedly disconcerting to see the illusion now that he knew my real identity, so I lifted the lantern to once more cast its illuminating light across my features.
“I’m continuously amazed at the variety of spells a few herbs can concoct. You are well-versed in your trade.” The warmth from his unexpected compliment was short-lived as his disapproval I’d been awaiting with mounting foreboding took its place. “Be that as it may, I cannot approve of using your skills so dishonorably. Was a disguise truly necessary? Couldn’t you have simply asked me to take your father’s place?”
I only barely held back my disbelieving scoff. “What an astute suggestion. As I recall, I made that exact request, but a certain pigheaded royal forbade my participation in this quest. Your prejudice was what compelled me to take such drastic measures.”
He at least had the sense to look properly contrite, lowering his eyes in a show of remorse. “I suppose I did.”
“Despite your initial doubts, I’ve proved myself capable.” My look was one of challenge, daring him to deny it.
Amid his hesitation I could almost see the memories of our journey together unfolding in his mind, a play performing every interaction through the new lens of my true identity. “Everything was a lie, nothing more than masqueraded role you went against my edict to perform.”
The anger I had braced for finally surfaced as he recalled our past interactions. Despite his assurances that I could trust him with my secret, the weight of it was understandably too much for him not to feel upset. I recoiled under the intensity of his frustration, but before I could fully process the emotion, remorse softened his expression.
“I’m sorry, I promised you understanding only to betray your confidence.”
I took the words as both an apology and an invitation for further explanation. I stepped closer, my tone pleading in my desperation for him to understand and accept me. “I wanted to tell you many times, but fear of losing the bond we’d formed held me back. Even though it was built on a deception, our friendship means everything to me. Though I lied about who I was, it was with the right intentions. Don’t my actions since embarking on this quest in aiding the expedition, sharing your burdens, and fighting by your side mean anything?”
The last of his hardened resistance faded, his eyes softening with reluctant admiration. “I can’t deny that I’ve witnessed your strength and bravery midst adversity time and time again. From our first meeting I saw strength in you that I greatly admired even as it challenged me. Now in discovering who you truly are, it’s hard to reconcile those memories with the person I’ve come to know and respect.”
“I am still that person,” I insisted. “I am both the woman you met at my family’s apothecary and the companion you’ve traveled with. Though you now know me by a different name, I myself haven’t changed—I am both Mei and Ren. I don't expect forgiveness immediately...but perhaps with time you can understand why I made the choices I did and judge me for the person you’ve come to know beyond my deceit, so that with time you can see me for who I truly am.”
“It will be an honor to come to know Mei.” Though he accepted my words, hesitancy still seemed to hold him back. “Even though the explanation would help alleviate the suspicions against you, it would be wise not to tell the others that we have a woman amongst us.”
I didn’t mind that no one else knew my identity, for the one who did was the only one that mattered. Relief overcame me as his meaning settled over me. “Does that mean you won’t send me away?”
He was silent a long moment before his rigid posture faltered with a sigh. “Of course not. Aside from being too far along in our journey to escort you home, and it being too dangerous to send you back on your own, I cannot in good conscience do either.” He glanced down at his still-healing leg. “Nor can I deny that we need you; you have shown yourself to be an integral member of this group and have more than proven your worth.”
Meaning he wouldn’t keep me around for my sake, but for that of the mission.
Though I’d grown accustomed to and even come to appreciate his practical nature, and that I shouldn’t have expected anything more given that my disguise had kept my deeper feelings for him one-sided, it still broke my heart.
Holding back tears, I forced a smile that felt far more insincere than my previous deceit. “I’m grateful for the opportunity to continue to help you. Thank you for trying to understand, Darcel.”
Saying his name as Mei felt different, more intimate, especially beneath the soft glow of dusk. He seemed to sense this shift too, for he hastily averted his gaze, as if overwhelmed by the change. My secret hope almost convinced me that I imagined a shy blush tinging his cheeks.
He cleared his throat and nodded, seemingly at a loss for words after the overwhelming flood of recent revelations. He took up his own lantern and withdrew, casting me once more in shadow…and with it my disguise fell into place once more.
Though he stayed nearby, he somehow seemed farther away. Rather than my confession drawing us closer, instead he seemed to stand atop the highest peak, impossibly out of reach. Although I’d bridged the distance my deceit had created, Lumis’s lingering light only reminded me that beyond sharing the truth of my facade, the deeper confession of my unspoken feelings for him I most wanted to give remained burrowed in my heart.