CHAPTER 19

Darcel

R en is a woman .

I still couldn’t get over that unbelievable fact which had forever altered the way I viewed my friend and comrade. Though I maintained a facade of calm, the shocking revelation and all its implications whirled through my mind, shaking the foundations of all of what I thought I knew—not just about her, but about my own perceptions and judgments.

Ren is a woman .

And not just any woman, but the beautiful herbalist who had captivated me from the moment I first met her at the apothecary. I recalled the interaction as vividly as if it was yesterday—the beguiling apprentice whose fiery wit had challenged me and deep passion had instantaneously intrigued me, emotions it’d taken great effort to suppress beneath my outward expression of annoyance. I’d been startled by my immediate draw towards her, forcing me to behave more harshly than I might have otherwise. Now in a twist of fate, the woman who tormented my thoughts and sanity now walked beside me.

The deepening night cast shadows across her face that was once more hidden beneath her disguise, forcing me to rely on the memory of its soft contours. I squeezed my eyes shut, attempting to block out the image of Ren’s rugged masculine guise—an injustice to her true beauty. Yet an irresistible force beckoned, compelling me to steal another glance in hopes of catching a glimpse of her real self beneath the illusion.

Her cheeks flushed under my gaze, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of Mei beneath Ren’s guise. Though magic veiled her delicate features, the longer I watched her, the more I recognized traits that transcended mere appearances.

Eventually temptation compelled me to steal another peek. With each repeated sidelong glance, I fought the urge to take her arm…a strange desire I hadn’t experienced throughout our entire journey. I’d never insisted on escorting her prior to this unexpected discovery, made more peculiar when logically I knew she was perfectly capable of traveling alone. Yet somehow the revelation of her femininity stirred an instinct to protect her.

We walked in silence, our progress slow due to my lingering limp from the injury I felt a sudden swell of gratitude towards our mountainside accident for the opportunity it now created to spend more time with her, allowing me to observe details about her that I hadn’t noticed before but which now seemed blatantly obvious.

I ached to talk to her, but the words that had once flowed seemed to have vanished, stolen from me with every glance she cast my way…a rather irrational response I had never experienced and had no explanation for. Technically, knowing her by a different name shouldn’t have changed the friendship and trust we’d gradually built with each step of our journey…yet somehow it altered everything, deepening our relationship in unexpected ways, as if discovering she was a woman uncovered a secret path to a destination I didn’t realize I desperately wanted to embark on with her.

Lost in these thoughts, our short trek to camp ended far sooner than I was prepared for. Just before we entered the clearing Mei spun on me, her usual feisty glint dampened by the anxiety etching her expression. “Remember we agreed to keep my true identity from the others.”

A reprimand wasn’t what I would have chosen to finally bridge the unbearable silence, but I was relieved she still seemed willing to talk with me; part of me had feared it would be too difficult for her now that her secret had been exposed…a worry I’d done nothing to dissuade with my own sudden awkward inability to converse with her.

I tried to speak, but had already become distracted by the soft lilts of her voice, only thinly disguised by her strained efforts to deepen it. I’d detected hints of her feminine tone before, but it seemed unfathomable that I’d never connected the dots. Now that I noticed it, I couldn’t un-hear it.

Her firm look tugged my reluctant focus back to our unfinished conversation. Too late I remembered she was awaiting an answer and my prolonged silence was causing her unnecessary worry. “I am a man of my word,” I assured her. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Her shoulders sank with relief. “Thank you, Darcel.”

A foreign feeling fluttered in my chest. Though I’d heard my name countless times, somehow it sounded different when spoken in her beautiful voice that seemed to encircle me like an embrace…a rather puzzling reaction. Once again words failed me, so I simply nodded and led the way into camp.

Jiang and Kael looked up at our arrival. By their looks they accurately guessed I’d taken Ren aside for a private confrontation. Too late I realized I’d been so occupied by the revelation of Mei’s true identity that I’d failed to come up with an alternate story that would allow me to keep her confidence. I offered a nod of reassurance in their direction, hoping it would sufficiently reassure their curiosity that whatever confidential things Ren and I had discussed had been enough to abate their concerns.

Kael shrugged and returned to perusing the map spread across his lap, but unsurprisingly Jiang wasn’t satisfied with such a vague response. By his pointed look I knew I had my own interrogation to look forward to, one I wasn’t certain I would be able to focus on, considering my thoughts were still entirely consumed with the last one.

Mei soon excused herself to get ready for bed in the privacy she had always insisted on, which I now finally understood the reason for. I found myself unconsciously staring after her until Jiang’s voice tugged my thoughts away, alerting me to his presence. “How did the conversation go?”

I startled. Though it was my guard’s nature to move stealthily, I’d been so absorbed in each of Mei’s graceful movements I hadn’t noticed his approach. It took me a moment to rearrange my thoughts to recall what Jiang was referring to.

“Fine,” I said. “Ren took me into his confidence about what he believes caused him to fail the altar’s test. All my worries concerning his loyalty are abated; I’m confident he is worthy of our trust.” It took every ounce of willpower not to refer to Mei as a she or use her real name.

Though he had no reason to question me, Jiang frowned. “I know you have your own reasons to be protective of the lad, but I can’t imagine a secret unimportant enough not to cause concern, if it’s significant enough to cause that reaction from the magic. Are you certain that whatever he told you isn’t a red herring for the real reason the grove rejected him?”

Mei’s true face illuminated by her lantern’s soft golden light filled my mind, unmistakably that of a woman. “I’m absolutely certain. If you still harbor doubts, then we must let his character and actions serve as further testament.”

Jiang looked like he wanted to argue the point further, but his obedience thankfully kept his lingering doubts in check, preventing me from enduring another onslaught of complaints.

From the corner of my eye I noticed Mei’s return and without conscious thought I found myself approaching her, guided by some unknown force to return to her side…entirely for protective purposes, of course. With this excuse ready in hand I limped closer, experiencing a strange thrill when she glanced up and met my gaze.

In that moment, the illusion spell she’d cast upon herself momentarily faltered, allowing me a coveted peek of her true face before magic once again hid it from view. I had no explanation for the brief break in her disguise, only that a mere glimpse was all it took for me to lose any semblance of thought, as if she’d captured all my words and held them captive.

The illusion faded again long enough for her to tilt her head in a rather adorable manner. “Did you need something?”

Need something? Surely I’d approached her for a reason other than my subconscious desire to be close to her, but in this moment I couldn’t even fathom what it could possibly be. “Just…wanted to check on you.”

After ensuring that the others weren’t within earshot, she leaned in, stirring the air with a distinctive floral scent reminiscent of orchids that I couldn’t believe I’d gone so long without noticing. “I appreciate the concern, but there’s no need for it. I know it must be disconcerting interacting with me now that you know the truth, but even if it’s a disguise, I’m still the Ren you came to know. Just treat me like you always have.” Her voice carried a hint of warning as her eyes darted to our other companions who were now eyeing us, reminding me of my promise to keep her secret.

Little did she realize that such a favor asked for the impossible. Her illusion might have caused her to look like Ren, but only her facial features. No amount of magic could disguise her voice, the elegant way she held herself, the graceful way she moved…and most of all the soothing effect her presence had on me, the result of the friendship we had built during our time together.

“Forgive me; it’s not my intention to treat you any differently.”

She sighed. “I suppose you’ve been looking out for me since the beginning. I can’t begrudge you for your concern.”

Though I couldn’t discern the exact nature of these new emotions, they seemed to extend beyond mere concern . In my confusion I couldn’t think of a response, causing another unbearable silence to settle around us. I looked around, as if I could find a conversation topic growing in the clearing that I could gather like Mei’s herbs. Unfortunately none magically materialized before she left my side to arrange her futon for the night.

The sleeping arrangements presented another problem I hadn’t yet considered—until now I hadn’t given the close proximity of our entourage a second thought, but tonight I noticed just how closely Jiang and Kael arranged their futons next to Mei’s. I couldn’t help but tug both their bedding a considerable distance away from Mei’s.

“What are you doing, Your Highness?”

Jiang’s perplexity halted my movements, making me feel as though I had been caught in the act of a crime. “I’m just rearranging the futons.”

His puzzled frown deepened. “ Why? ” His question acted as the voice for the subconscious thoughts I couldn’t formulate, not even to myself. Simple speech once more proved troublesome, not that I had an adequate excuse to give. He sighed. “I don’t care if I don’t sleep near the others, but I want to stay close enough to protect you.”

Such logical reasoning felt out of place amid my whirl of nonsensical emotions, especially given that I had already volunteered to be the one to sleep next to Mei; given the delicacy of the situation I couldn’t trust anyone other than myself to take such an important responsibility.

Though I wanted to argue, I offered a reluctant nod, hesitancy not lost to his keen observation. His eyes narrowed. “You’ve been behaving rather strangely since your conversation with Ren.” He cast Mei an accusatory look before stalking away in irritation.

She used the first opportunity Jiang’s attention was diverted to sidle closer, causing me to stiffen instinctively. “You need to behave more naturally. You’re making everyone suspicious.”

Defensiveness summoned my words from wherever they had been hiding. I leaned closer, lowering my voice. “How can I not worry? You’re sleeping next to men .”

“Yet you have no problem with me sleeping next to you? You’re a man too.”

I faltered, obviously having no counterargument. True, I was a man…but I wasn’t just any man. Unlike with my comrades, things were different between Mei and I, and not just because I knew her secret. “That’s…different.”

“How?”

Naturally, Mei wouldn't be herself if she didn’t question me at every opportunity. This time, however, I found myself without a clear answer. Frustratingly, I lacked any tangible explanation for the confusing tumult of feelings inside me; the emotions filling my heart were beyond words, each heartbeat seeming to urge me towards truths I wasn’t ready to face.

When it was clear I couldn’t articulate any further response, Mei sighed. “I am well aware of the situation, considering it kept me up during my first night, and has made it difficult to sleep in the ones since.”

I vividly recalled the night in question, but now viewing it through the lens of understanding caused me to see every moment in a new light. I analyzed the memory from every angle, hyper-focused not only on her awkward position but where I’d been midst the bodies of men that had surrounded her. To my horror and secret delight I’d been within a mere arm’s reach.

A night that had passed innocently at the time now felt outright inappropriate. Now that I considered the full implications, I realized I had dragged an unmarried woman across treacherous terrain and forced her to endure difficult trials, which included camping with a group of strangers who all happened to be male.

Though I had no reason to distrust my two friends, I cast them suspicious glances. They didn’t even notice or glance Mei’s way, thankfully still oblivious she was a woman in disguise. I felt a surge of relief, grateful I could keep her true identity just our secret for awhile longer.

It was troubling how acute my protective instincts had become. While I’d always looked out for her during our quest like I would a younger brother, there were no hint of brotherly feelings now; instead I felt the stirrings of emotions I had no name for, but which I found both exhilarating and unsettling.

My eyes drifted again to Mei as she adjusted her bedding, smoothing the blanket with a feminine grace she seemed unconscious of before tucking her satchel and magical lantern close to her pillow. I frowned at my futon, seeming scandalously close to hers. It would be wrong for me to sleep so close when I was fully aware that she was a woman, but I couldn’t make myself scoot any farther away, held back by that same subconscious desire from earlier that I couldn’t fully put into words.

The part of me still desperately trying to cling to rationality seized the plausible excuse that sleeping near her would serve as a precautionary measure should anything happen during the night. If nothing else, I could at least shield her from being too close to the others who didn’t know her secret. The thought of them even being within her proximity filled me with an irrational, burning sensation it took me a moment to pinpoint as jealousy.

Mei was clearly uninhibited by such irrational qualms. After casting me a disapproving look that made me wither she tugged her bedding several generous centimeters away. “I’m not going to try anything,” I snapped quietly.

“I know, but this is for my own peace of mind.” And she settled down, keeping her back firmly facing me. I slowly eased beside her—my sense of honor that miraculously remained intact ensuring there was as much distance as the limited space allowed—and tried in vain to still my pounding heart enough to relax.

Normally the leaves’ quiet rustling and the distant stir of crickets formed a melodious backdrop that lured me to a peaceful and deep sleep, but the knowledge that Mei lay so close stirred a complex web of emotions within me that kept rest elusive. She was so near, just a few paces away—her silhouette barely visible in the faint moonlight—yet the distance felt immense, charged with new awareness.

I forced myself to roll over, yet even with her out of sight her presence was palpable—every small sound seemed amplified, each rustle of her movements a whisper through the still night. The proximity was both a comfort and a torment.

I shifted onto my side, allowing myself a subtle glance in her direction, her form blending quietly with the others. I listened to her breathing, too rapid and shallow for her to be asleep. The longer she remained awake, the deeper my concern grew. Though I possessed an array of reasons for my tumultuous thoughts, I had hoped that knowing she finally had an ally to help protect her secret would have provided her enough reassurance to relax.

“Are you comfortable?” My whisper felt magnified in the night, my acute awareness that Kael resting nearby or Jiang from where he crouched near the fire might overhear the deeper questions I yearned to ask.

Her silence extended so long that I wondered if I’d been mistaken and she’d fallen asleep after all. “I told you that you don’t have to worry about me,” she finally murmured.

Under the cover of darkness, I allowed the grin I often held back to spread freely across my face. “Your continued need to argue assures me that for all of today’s changes, you’re still you .”

Even with Mei’s reassurances I remained uneasy. The night was cool, with a gentle breeze occasionally wafting over us, causing her to shiver. She tensed when I scooted closer, but though I was tempted to peer into her face, I restrained myself and instead draped my cloak over her—a gesture echoing back to the first night of our quest. She made no protest, allowing me this single victory in an evening otherwise fraught with casualties to my sense.

Despite sleep feeling impossibly out of reach, I must have eventually dozed, for one moment I was staring at the dark outline of Mei’s body, and seemingly the next instant someone was shaking me awake…a person with an achingly gentle touch and a distinct floral scent.

My eyes snapped open to discover Mei leaning over me, her lovely features soft beneath her fading disguise. Dawn caressed the clearing where we lay, the first faint light already erasing the shadows of the long night. Before I could seek an explanation, her gaze flickered down to the bulging outline of my leg visible beneath the blanket. “I want to check on your injury.”

Her unexpected proximity caused my heart to beat wildly, but with great effort I maintained my usual calm demeanor as I sat up and stretched. “First you need to reapply your disguise ointment.“ I offered the suggestion reluctantly; it was rather disconcerting seeing her as Ren now that I knew her as Mei.

Her brows furrowed. “It’s freshly reapplied.”

Then why was it failing to work for me?

I had little time to ponder the puzzle when she presented a jar of murky brown concoction. “I gathered some new herbs growing in the area. The ones I used to treat your injury before were those I had on hand, a salve strong enough to stave off infection and begin healing, but not nearly as effective as some of the remedies in my arsenal. The one I prepared this morning should heal you completely, allowing you to travel more easily.”

I felt a swell of gratitude for the good fortune my injury afforded me, but it was short-lived. No sooner had I stood than she tugged on my arm, guiding me toward a nearby log. It was the first time I had touched her since learning she was a woman. Heat radiated from her touch, a disconcerting sensation given her current disguise as a boy. I closed my eyes, picturing her true face in my mind to steady myself against the turmoil her proximity caused. Yet while recalling her delicate features made me smile, rather than calming my heart only beat faster.

At her insistence I obediently sat so she could roll up my pant leg and better study my injury. I waited in nervous anticipation. My breath caught when I felt the first brush of her fingertips against my leg, electrifying even through the bandage.

Though her movements were confident, her touch remained hesitant, almost shy, as if she too was nervous about the contact. Surely she wouldn’t be if she felt entirely indifferent...not that I cared about her feelings towards me—or so I tried desperately to convince myself.

Her brow furrowed in concentration as she examined the injury, but my attention was solely on her and the skilled way she worked. She carefully unwound the old bandage and applied the new ointment; it was cool against my skin, yet all I could feel was the tingling warmth spreading from her fingertips as she treated my wound. With each gentle touch, the illusion of her disguise seemed to fade, revealing her as the knowledgeable and capable individual she truly was.

She finished, peering up at me through her lashes. My heart stuttered and I found myself momentarily lost in her eyes, a deep, soulful brown. Had they always been such a captivating color?

“How does it feel?” she asked.

I forced myself to focus on my injury. To my amazement it felt completely healed. But though I prided myself on my honesty, I found myself lying before I could check the impulse. “It still hurts. Perhaps you should check it again.”

Her brow furrowed as she glanced down. “But this remedy is supposed to be very effective. Perhaps I used the wrong herbs.” Amid the worry etching her expression I detected an emotion I knew all too well—fear rendered by inadequacy.

Guilt cinched my chest that I’d unnecessarily been the cause of such a painful emotion, making me feel like an utter cad. “The remedy worked perfectly. My injury feels fine, without a trace of pain.”

She sighed. “There’s no need to appease me. If I made a mistake?—”

“You didn’t,” I said. “I lied the first time.” A hit on my pride would be well worth returning her lovely smile.

She frowned instead. “Why would you do that?”

I could think of no excuse other than the truth, which was far too embarrassing for my male pride to confess. I averted my gaze and simply shrugged. I felt her staring at me, searching for the answer that had become my own secret. I had never noticed the weight of another’s gaze before, but I could almost feel hers caress my face, as gentle as every other part of her.

My cheeks warmed beneath her scrutiny, a sensation accompanied by another foreign sensation that just wouldn’t leave—my heart twinged, and with the sensation I realized that I had encountered my most dangerous obstacle on the quest yet.