Page 227 of Pucking Around

But do I love Caleb Sanford?

Moody, temperamental, aloof. He wears a hard shell. Some of it hides his very real pain. He’s been hurt in this life. He knows loss and tragedy. But he also knows the resilient hope that comes from healing. He knows how to weather a storm, even one that strips you to nothing. He knows how to rebuild. He’s a survivor. He’s the strong center that holds. He is the place where we all find strength.

And that’s the secret to Caleb. His shell hides his pain. But it also hides his hopeful heart. He’s an optimist, though he’ll never admit it. He’s a dreamer. I want to see the world through his eyes. I want to see his dreams and make them real. My strength, my heart. I love him so madly.

And what of Ilmari? Do I love Mars Kinnunen?

I close my eyes again, breathing deep, searching for that feeling of utter peace and quiet I can only chase in his arms. Ilmari is like the trees in the forest, rooted deep and stretching high. He is soft, yet unyielding. Stalwart. He contains multitudes. He makes me believe that home isn’t a place. It’s a feeling. Home is being in his arms. It’s feeling his eyes on me. It’s having him buried deep, moving together like one being, sharing flesh and breath and soul. Yes, I am in love with Ilmari Kinnunen.

My breath comes out in a shaky pant as I feel like my heart is overflowing with love for these men that have so completely captured me. I love them all. I want to stay. I want to be theirs. Only one question remains.

Fight or Flight?

Do I have the strength to stay? Do I have the strength to love them as they deserve to be loved? Unashamed, unafraid, and wholly out loud. God, I fucking hope so.

I scramble to my feet, heart pounding, as I rush to my open door. I move into the hallway, running on bare feet towards the stairs. I hurry down, my hand ghosting along the cool metal of the banister.

I spin around the bottom stair, marching down the short entry hall until the walls give way to the great room. All three of my guys are right where they said they’d be, sitting on the couch in a row, waiting for me.

Tears of gratitude pour down my cheeks as I practically stumble into the room, sweeping around the back of the sectional. All eyes are on me as I drop myself on Caleb’s lap. I bury my face against his bare chest, my hands brushing through his hair to circle his nape as I sob.

“I’m sorry. Cay, please—I’m so sorry. I want to stay. Please let me stay. Love me, and fight with me, and let me stay.”

Slowly, his arms lift and come around me. His hands smooth up and down my back before one goes to my hair. Gently, he weaves his fingers in and pulls my head back until he can look me in the eye. “You’re staying?”

I nod.

“You’re fighting?”

I nod again.

“Words, Rachel,” he growls.

“Yes,” I say on a breath. “I want to stay and fight and love you. All of you. I can’t promise perfection. Frankly, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing—what Iwilldo. But I know from the bottom of my heart that we are stronger together than I could ever dream of being apart.”

I glance from Jake to Ilmari, back to Caleb. “I know I’ve made mistakes. I’ve doubted and manipulated. I’ve sought to control everything. In my fear, I thought I had to. I’ve been so alone for so long. So used to surviving on my own—”

“Well, that stops now,” Caleb says. “You’re dealing with three hockey players, Rachel. We don’t work alone. Team first. Team always.”

I nod, trying to center my breath. “Team first,” I repeat.

“I know your family carries a lot of weight for you,” he goes on. “Price Family against the world and all that. But this will only work if you makethisyour family. The Price-Compton-Sanford-Kinnunen Family.”

“I swear to fuck, we are not hyphenating our names like that,” Jake mutters.

I bite my lip to keep from smiling. Closing my eyes, I take another breath and nod.

“You done threatening to leave us?” Caleb says, his gaze imperious as he keeps his heart locked deep inside his shell.

I nod. “Yes.”

“Good,” he mutters. “Because you scared him half to fucking death,” he says, pointing at Jake. “If you’ve got something to say to him, now might be a good time.”

The last vestiges of my walls come crumbling down at I look to my Jake and see the tears in his eyes. I practically throw myself at him, crawling off Caleb’s lap and onto Jake’s. “I’m sorry,” I cry. “Angel, I’m so sorry. I was so messed up.”

Jake has none of Caleb’s cool aloofness. He wraps himself around me, peppering me with kisses on my shoulder, my neck, my cheek. Each one feels like a gift, like a spark of his life soaks into my skin and lights me up from the inside, warming me and giving me strength.

“I love you, Jake,” I murmur, kissing him back. “Angel, I love you. I love you so much.”