Page 33

THIRTY-THREE

carter

I watch Jack’s Audi peel out of the parking space and speed out of the garage, the weight in my chest like a bag of cement.

Of course he’d leave.

How the hell could I blame him?

I did the exact thing he feared the most. He took a risk, opened up for the first time, told me everything about his past, and I…

I fucking destroyed him.

I let him believe he wasn’t worth my time or my love.

I did the very worst thing imaginable to him, exactly what his parents did.

I’m as bad as they are.

I press my fingertips to my temples, tears stinging my eyes.

I love him. I think I always have.

But now he’s gone. Forever.

Because I was too weak to own my truth.

I stagger over to my truck and climb into the driver’s seat.

I hunch over the steering wheel, not knowing who to call or what the hell I’d even say.

Livvie is going to leak the video and my secret will be out.

I will be out .

I won’t get to tell people on my terms, the way I wanted.

And she’s right to be pissed at me.

I did lead her on. It was wrong, regardless of what she did with Lane.

She gave up a lot for a future with me, and I let her believe in a fairy-tale ending for us.

I’ve tried for so long to live on the straight and narrow, never wanting to upset the applecart because of what it might do to my career.

I played it safe and now?

I’m miserable and alone, just like Jack said I’d be.

I stab the ignition button and the truck’s engine roars.

And like a flash, I know exactly where I need to go.

I pull out of the parking garage and drive through the city until I get to Play It Forward.

I’m not even sure who might be there today, or if it’s even open on weekends.

But I have to try.

Maybe Jack came here.

It’s kind of his safe place, and if he is there, I feel bad that I’m going to invade it while he’s hurting so badly.

He won’t take my calls, that much I know since he didn’t answer any of my calls or texts earlier.

The wounds are fresh and he pretty much hates me right now.

I can’t see that changing any time soon, either.

I pull into a spot against the curb, hop out of the truck, and look around.

Sunlight streams over the buildings lining the quiet street.

It seems almost peaceful, which is kind of ironic since my insides are in complete and utter turmoil.

I take a deep breath and walk toward the door like I’m marching down death row.

Pushing through the glass revolving doors, I scout the lobby for any sign of Jack.

On the left, there’s a room full of kids shooting hoops, but other than that, it’s pretty empty.

I look toward the ice rink at the back of the facility.

It’s dark .

No lone figures on the ice.

My gut clenches when Sam walks out of one of the offices.

His lips pull into a tight line.

Shit. Did Jack already get to him?

Does Sam know what I’ve done?

I take a few steps toward him, but my legs fight me, my body unwilling to hear what I already know in my heart.

“Carter,” Sam says, placing a clipboard on the reception desk before walking over to me.

“I’m so sorry about what happened. I didn’t realize it was a secret.”

My brow furrows.

“What are you talking about? Did you talk to Jack?”

“No, not since the day he beat the shit out of Jeremy’s dad. I’ve called him, but every time, I go straight to voicemail. I guess he’s trying to lay low.”

“Yeah, but I still don’t understand. What are you sorry about?”

Sam’s eyes narrow.

“I figured you were here because you were upset with me for saying anything.”

“Look, Sam. I really have no fucking clue what you’re talking about right now and I’m trying really hard to understand. Can you please just lay it out for me?” There’s a tense edge to my voice and I don’t even bother to hide it because my head is in a total twist.

He sighs and pulls out his phone to hand to me.

I stare at the screen, at myself kissing Jack at the arena.

In the darkened corner I thought was private.

“She leaked it,” I mutter.

“Fucking Christ.”

“I didn’t know you weren’t out. When Jack told me he had a thing for you and that you were involved, I figured it was public. I mentioned it to Brixton and he must’ve said something to the guys because next thing I knew?—”

“Livvie must have followed me and took the video after she was tipped off.” A dry laugh escapes my lips.

“Well, I guess this is what I get for trying to pull the wool over everyone’s eyes.”

“Shit, I’m so sorry,” he says.

“I know how hard it is to be outed against your will. I feel horrible.”

“Nah, it’s not your fault. It’s mine. I should’ve owned it a long time ago but didn’t. I was too afraid and now, I have no choice but to face it.”

“Jack’s a really good person to have on your side. He’ll stand by you. But please, don’t blame him. This is one hundred percent on me. I should’ve kept my mouth shut.”

“I’m glad you didn’t. I know that sounds weird, but maybe I needed a push. I mean, this was more aggressive than I would have wanted, but it’s out and life goes on.” I run a hand through my hair and lean back against a wall.

“Well, ideally, it should. But I made a mistake today that cost me the person who makes me happiest in the world.”

“Okay, now I’m the one who doesn’t understand. What do you mean? Where’s Jack?”

“I came here hoping to find him.” Over the next few minutes, I fill Sam in on the whole sordid story, except for Jack’s truths.

That’s his story to tell, not mine.

He trusted me and I already betrayed him once.

I can’t violate his trust again.

“Damn,” Sam says once I’m finished.

“I get why he doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“Thanks,” I snap.

“Jack isn’t the kind of guy who gives lots of chances. If you screw him over, you’re done. He’s always been that way. He doesn’t trust easily, I know that from experience. I don’t think he ever fully trusted me, and we were together for years.”

His words lance my heart because he did fully trust me and I was so fucking careless with something that was so important to him .

“I fucking ruined everything,” I mutter, dropping my head into my hands.

“Maybe.”

I look at Sam though my fingers.

“What do you mean, maybe?”

He shrugs.

“You shit the bed, bro. No doubt about that. But don’t just stand here and lament. Fight for him. Yeah, sure, he’s got a royalty complex on the ice, but he’s a great guy. One of the best. And if you came here trying to fix things with him, then you already know it.”

“He’s doing a press conference tomorrow, I guess to tell his side of things. I need to be there for him. I need to show him support, no matter what happens, to let him know how I feel and that I won’t stop trying to win him back.”

“I can’t tell you how he’ll react. He shuts down fast. You may be out of time.” Sam smiles.

“But he’s worth the shot. Take it.”

“I can’t let go,” I say.

“I’ve never felt this way about anyone in my life. It’s always been him, from junior hockey days. I was too scared to face the truth, and now I’m panicked that I might not get the chance to have a future with him.”

“It’s always darkest before the dawn,” Sam says, clapping a hand on my shoulder.

“Brixton and I went through a lot, too. But if it’s worth it, you keep pushing. You don’t give up.”

“I won’t.”

“I know.”

My shoulders slump.

“I can’t believe how badly I fucked things up.”

“You can still make them right. I believe that.” He pauses.

“Brixton and I will be there tomorrow, too. Nobody wants to see Jack go down for that guy. We’re all in his corner.”

“Thanks, Sam.” I straighten up.

“I’ve got to take care of something. I’ll see you tomorrow. ”

I walk out of Play It Forward, my feet dragging like I’m sloughing through wet tar.

I finally climb into my truck and pull out my phone.

With a rocketing pulse, I stab a phone number into the keypad.

My dad’s face appears on the screen.

He doesn’t speak, doesn’t even say hello.

I guess the shock has rendered him speechless.

“Dad,” I say, clutching the phone tight, my fingers digging into the sides.

“I guess you saw the video.”

“You and Jack,” he finally says.

I nod. “I’m gay, Dad. And I’m in love with Jack. Have been for a long time. But I was too afraid of what it might do to my career and to my relationship with you if I admitted it. I didn’t mean for you to find out this way, but I?—”

“Carter,” he interrupts.

“Stop. If you think this would ever change our relationship, you’re mistaken. I love you and I always will, no matter what. When I told you that it’ll be hard to be a gay player in the NHL with so much hatred around, I meant it. You’ll constantly have that battle to fight, and I hate the thought of you dealing with that kind of animosity because you’re my son and I want what’s best for you.” He stops for a minute to take a breath.

“But if Jack is who you want, if he’ll make you happy, then that’s what I want for you. What we all want.”

“Gigi knew. I could tell when I saw her face earlier.”

Dad nods.

“She wasn’t shocked by the video, come to think of it. Did Jack have anything to say about it?”

“He heard us talking this morning,” I say.

“He left because of it. I tried to apologize when I got back to the city. He wouldn’t listen. Doesn’t want anything to do with me. I really messed up, but I won’t stop trying to change his mind. He’s everything to me. I need him to know it. ”

“I’m sorry for coming down on you like that. I should have kept my mouth shut.”

“You were concerned, and I appreciate it. But being with Jack is more important to me than what the fans think of us together. It’s more important than anything.”

“Then go after him, son. Make him understand. Show him how great you can be together. He’d be a fool to walk away.”

I force a smile through the pain assaulting my heart.

Except he already did.

And I’m the fool for letting it happen.