Page 28 of Puck Lust (Dirty Puck #1)

TWENTY-EIGHT

jack

The afternoon sun beats down on my skin where I recline on one of the deck chairs.

Gram has kept me close all afternoon.

It’s hard not to smile when she’s around.

She clearly loves being the center of attention and having everyone make a fuss over her.

And it’s cute how she keeps her hand on my leg, like she doesn’t want me to leave.

Flattering, too.

Why the hell is it that I can get more attention from strangers than I ever could from my own blood?

I know I can be charming and people generally like it when you show interest in them.

My hockey abilities always drew people in, and as I got better and then famous, they became attracted to the rest of the package, too.

Carter’s family and friends are no exception.

They want to hear all my war stories, how I got started with hockey, my experience in getting drafted to Oakland, how it was dating my NFL superstar ex, Sam Hartley.

It’s all glitz and glam, stories I don’t mind spinning at all.

They take attention away from all the bad shit that hides behind them, the ugly shit nobody knows, that I can barely stand to think about .

Hours later, once the party ends, I walk Gram into the living room.

“I can’t miss my stories,” she says, lowering herself onto the couch.

“Will you come back to sit with me?”

“Definitely. I love…” I peer at the screen behind me.

“The Hallmark Channel. You couldn’t keep me away.”

Gram laughs and gives my hand a squeeze.

“Oh, you’re such a doll. If only you were just a little older. The girls I play cards with would be so jealous.”

Chuckling, I walk back into the kitchen where cleanup is in full swing.

“Gram is a real hoot, yeah?”

Carter snickers.

“She’s got a lot of spunk still in her, that’s for sure.”

“What can I do to help? Although,” I say, looking around.

“This kitchen is in darn good shape considering the last guest only just left. You Van Kleefs are a pretty efficient bunch.”

“We take pride in our organization,” Ally says with a wide smile.

“Mom was a drill sergeant in a past life.”

“Okay, enough,” Carter’s mom says drily.

“It’s really because I hate clutter and crumbs,” she says to me.

“So I trained them all how to get rid of both when they were young. Luckily, the lessons stuck.”

She points to some half-empty plates.

“You can just condense those cookie plates for now.”

Easy enough.

I get to work, and out of the corner of my eye, notice Carter’s mom watching me.

I paste a smile on my face and look up.

“You must be real proud of Carter. He’s a really amazing leader. The team loves him.”

She nods and smiles at Carter, who’s rinsing dishes.

“We are. He’s a pretty special guy.”

A silent pause follows.

I hate silence, so I look over to Mike.

“Hey, Mr. Van Kleef, how was it playing for Boston College? It must have been an insane experience. Number one in the country for hockey. You have to be really proud of that.”

Mike’s face darkens.

“It was pretty incredible. Until that injury took me out of the game. It was my biggest disappointment. I don’t usually like to talk about it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I say, backpedaling.

Carter turns to give me a look, but it’s too late.

The words are already out.

“I didn’t mean to upset you or anything. I was just really impressed. Your record was amazing.”

“Thanks,” he says shortly, looking away as he returns a pitcher to the refrigerator.

More uncomfortable silence hangs in the air.

Shit. I was only trying to warm the guy up a little bit since he’s the one I’ve spent the least amount of time talking to.

I figured hockey was a safe topic.

“Hey, Carter,” Ally hurriedly asks, catching him in the middle of a long drink of water.

“How’s Livvie? Does she like Oakland?”

Carter coughs and sputters, his face and neck turning an alarming shade of purple.

“She’s, ah, okay. Haven’t really seen her much lately. We’ve both been busy.”

“Oh, that’s a bummer. She’s so sweet. And I always loved when she’d practice her makeup and hair lessons on us.” Gigi looks right at me when she says this.

Odd. What was that look for?

“Do you know Livvie, Jack?” she asks.

Now it’s my turn to choke.

Carter obviously hasn’t told his family about his groupie girlfriend and the fact that she’s been tainted by whatever Lane Maxwell drilled her with.

“We met at a concert one night not too long ago,” I say, feeling Carter’s eyes burn into me and something tells me not to make the mistake of latching onto his gaze.

“She was…nice.”

Nice.

Not a complete whore or a dim bulb or a puck bunny or any other one of the vivid descriptions searing the tip of my tongue right now.

Not worthy is really the biggest one, though.

Can’t any of them see that she was completely wrong for him?

That he deserves someone with half a brain who’ll make him the center of his world?

Like me.

I finish my cookie sorting and take a long sip of water from the bottle Ally gave me after shaking off my “foot in mouth” faux pas.

It’s nice to see Carter with his family.

They laugh and tease each other, so close, so comfortable with one another.

Sam’s family was like that, too.

I couldn’t help but gravitate toward them.

I feel the same way about Carter’s family.

The need to be part of some kind of unit where everyone cares and nobody judges is overwhelming.

To be accepted without question is a luxury I’d never had growing up.

I was only ever able to feel that way through my association with others.

Carter looks at me, his blue eyes glittering with unspoken promises.

My heart jumps in my chest under his heavy stare.

Seeing how much his family loves him and how much he loves them in return only makes me want him more.

He is special, the most special man I’ve ever met.

And he deserves to know the truth.

I at least owe him that much after all he’s done for me.

Once the kitchen is cleaned up, we fill into the living room while Carter puts away the rest of the dishes.

Gran is asleep, her feet resting on an ottoman.

Mike picks up the remote and tries to change the channel but her eyes fly open wide.

“Don’t change the channel. I was just resting my eyes for a minute.”

He grins at her.

“You got it, Ma. It’s your day.”

Carter’s mom snuggles up to her husband and the girls flop onto the opposite couch with their phones.

“Jack, why don’t you have a seat?” Gigi says, patting the cushion next to her when the sounds of Gran’s light snores once again fill the air.

“I actually think I’m going to take a shower and get some sleep. Thanks so much for a great day.”

My eyes sweep over the group, hanging onto Mike’s eyes a little longer.

The hairs on the back of my neck pop to attention, the lick of a tiny chill slithering over my skin.

He smiles at me but the expression on his face doesn’t match.

No, there’s something else there.

Something that doesn’t sit right with me, but I can’t put my finger on it.

He shut me down pretty hard in the kitchen before when I tried to strike up a conversation with him.

My mind suddenly trips back to the night I had dinner at Sam’s house with his family a while back.

It was when I came back to Oakland and tried to reignite things with Sam.

Brixton showed up and I pulled him aside, told him he’d never be good enough for Sam.

I was jealous and insecure and couldn’t bear the thought of losing Sam or his family.

And then Brixton overheard Sam’s dad basically saying the same thing to Sam in the dining room, advising him against being with someone like Brixton who could drag him down.

I heard that same edge in his voice, that same judgment.

Is that what Mike thinks about me?

What they all think of me?

Is that what Carter thinks?

They’ve all no doubt seen the video and must know it’s the reason I’m trying to avoid people.

My stomach drops into my sneakers as I turn to walk up the stairs.

Maybe they’ve already shared that opinion with Carter.

That might be why he stayed away from me for the better part of the day.

Gram wouldn’t let anyone get too close, but I’m sure she’d have made an exception for her favorite grandson.

It was nice to think I was being monopolized, but now I realize it might have been more than just Gram’s doing.

And that feels really shitty.

Maybe I’m blowing all of this up in my mind.

Carter accepts me. He understands me.

Right?

I strip out of my clothes and step into the shower, letting the hot spray soothe my tight muscles.

I scrub my skin, so many thoughts tumbling around in my mind.

Carter doesn’t really know me, and that’s my fault.

He only knows what I’ve told him.

And he never presses.

Never asks too many questions.

He wants to give me time to feel comfortable opening up, just like I need to give him time to figure out how to tell people that he’s gay, no matter how anxious it makes me to think he might change his mind.

I’ve been protecting myself because I’m afraid of what will happen if he knows the truth about my past. But I’m never going to make him feel completely comfortable with whatever is going on between us unless I give him everything and show him the same trust he’s put in me.

He may reject me when he hears my story.

He may be disgusted by what I’ve done.

He may completely cut me out.

If I tell him the truth, I risk losing him forever.

The war wages as I towel off and pull on a pair of boxer briefs.

I pace the length of the room, my heels digging into the area rug in front of the bed.

It’s dark outside, a cool breeze sweeping into the room from the open window.

I walk over to the window and glare at the mess of twinkling stars above.

All I want is normal.

It’s all I’ve ever wanted.

But when I’ve gotten even a bit of it, like I had with Sam, I always manage to screw it up because I don’t know how the hell to navigate normal.

I know fucked up. I’m kind of an expert with that.

But normal? That’s a foreign concept to me.

I don’t want to spend my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I want someone to love me, all of me, no matter what.

I want to be accepted and embraced, not because I’m a star, but because I’m me, with all of my flaws and quirks.

I want to be with someone who makes me feel good all of the time, about myself and about the world.

I want to share a future with someone who wants the same things I do, who wants to grow old with me.

I deserve that.

And I want to be all of that for the man I fall in love with.

I lean forward, my fingers digging into the windowsill.

I want to be that for Carter.

My heart thrums. “I need to tell him the truth,” I mutter.

“I can’t live a lie any longer. And if he can’t accept it, can’t accept me because of it, then I’ll?—”

The door knob jiggles behind me and I whip around when it creaks open.

Carter walks into the room and quietly closes the door behind him.

My breath hitches at the hunger in his gaze, the stream of moonlight casting a glow over his face, the intensity in his expression making my pulse rocket.

I’ve never seen him look hotter.

He crosses the room without saying a word and crushes his lips to mine.

His hands tangle in my hair then roam down my spine, his demanding fingers digging into my flesh.

I fist his t-shirt then tug it over his head so I can feel his chest pressed against me.

He grabs my ass and squeezes, a moan slipping through his lips.

“I’ve been thinking about doing this all day,” he whispers before devouring me once again.

His lips move from my mouth to my neck and then the sensitive area behind my ear.

I let out a hiss of air when he nips the side of my throat then rubs his hand over my cock.

“That feels so good.” I thrust against him, tugging his hair as he rubs me harder.

“Now take them off.”

“Yes, sir,” he murmurs, shoving my boxer briefs to the floor.

My lips lift as I do the same to his.

“I can get used to that.” I then shove him onto the mattress before dipping my head over his chest. I trace each line of hard muscle with my tongue like I’m trying to memorize every cut and ridge.

He shudders under me, then wraps his hand around our cocks, stroking them both as I crash my lips against his once again.

Ripples of anticipation hum throughout my insides as I drink in his desire, letting him infuse me with need.

I’m completely overcome with the scary sensations I’ve never allowed myself to experience before and at this point, I know I can’t fight them anymore.

I’ve already let him in too deep and I have no shot of escaping.

He’s it for me.

One of Carter’s hands moves over my ass then skims my tight hole before pressing inside.

A second finger joins the first and he works me slow at first. Goosebumps pop up along my skin even though my insides are on fire, blood burning as he works his fingers inside of me.

He crooks them inside of me and I let out a sudden and low growl, my cock throbbing as his other hand jerks us harder.

“Wait,” I whisper, leaning over to grab something from my bag next to the bed.

I dangle a packet of lube in front of him.

“I came prepared.”

He slides his fingers out of my ass and I roll onto my back next to him.

He straddles me and tears open the packet.

With his eyes on my face, he slowly coats his cock, dragging his hand up and down the thick shaft.

My own cock drips from just watching him.

“You want this cock?” he asks, his voice gruff.

“Is it yours?”

“Fuck, yeah,” I croak out, grabbing my own dick and rubbing it as he lines himself up with my hole.

He thrusts once, hard, deep, and precum spills over the sides of my hand at the delicious intrusion.

“Don’t close your eyes,” he says.

” I want you to look at me.

I need to see you come.

I need to see what I do to you, what only I can do.

”

I nod, my throat too tight to force out a response.

He settles himself against me, studying me, stretching me, filling me with everything I’ve been missing but too afraid to take.

He wraps his free arm around me, holding me close.

“Don’t ever let go.” I finally get the words out, my heart thrashing as my entire body lights up, tingles of passion igniting into a full-blown inferno.

“Please don’t ever.”

The air is thick with the scent of sex and sweat as our bodies grind together, desperately chasing release.

My lips part, a scream bubbling in my chest as Carter hits my spot.

But he covers my mouth with his in a kiss so deep, I don’t know where he begins and I end.

This connection between us is so powerful, so consuming, it sizzles my ability to think, to breathe, to move.

I cling to him, trembling as the orgasm electrifies my insides, blasting through me like a laser, every cell aflame, every nerve alive.

A flash of white light explodes behind my eyelids, my body quivering uncontrollably as ropes of cum shoot out of my cock, covering our chests .

Carter jerks and thrusts a couple of more times, his body stilling as he fills me.

The sound of our panting fills the air as the bubble of post-coital bliss settles over us.

He raises himself up on his elbows and runs his hand down the side of my face.

His Adam’s apple bobs in his throat as he penetrates my soul with those piercing eyes.

My stomach clenches under his heavy stare as the seconds tick past and the silence deafens me.

But he still doesn’t speak.

He doesn’t tell me what I want to hear…

what I need to hear…

that he won’t ever let me go.