Page 5

Chapter 4

Guy

I woke up screaming. I’d been doing that a lot that summer. I went through a phase of it after one of Papa’s particularly bad anger fits, but for some reason, the screams and bad dreams were back.

I knew the only way out of it was to get up and do something else. Laying in bed just made me replay the dreams on a loop. I decided to take advantage of the ocean-front property and go sit on the beach.

I sat, staring out at the whitecaps visible in the moonlight. I’d been out there maybe 20 minutes when I heard someone approaching. I looked just in time to see Kitty turning back to the house, a blanket in her arms and a single braid in her hair. She had on sporty shorts and a sweatshirt, looking all cozy.

“Hey! Where are you going?”

Kitty froze. “I-I didn’t want to bother you,” she stammered.

“You never bother me. Come sit.”

I helped her spread out the blanket on the cold sand and sat on it with her. “Can’t sleep?”

I gave her a wry smile. “Nightmare. You?”

“Something like that.” She stared out at the water, chewing her lip.

We didn’t say anything else for a while, sitting in companionable silence and watching the waves. Crash, roll, fizz. Crash, roll, fizz. The wind picked up a little and Kitty shivered. I turned to her, the moon lighting her delicate features. I studied the cupid’s bow of her lips and the way her nose turned up ever-so-slightly at the end.

“Scooch up,” I said. Kitty did, shifting to the middle of the blanket and hugging her knees to her chest. I moved with her and wrapped the blanket around our shoulders. I left my arm around Kitty. It felt so nice to hold her like that. It was how I wanted things to be, but they couldn’t. Our families were basically one. Kitty even spent hours on the porch chatting with Maman on her nights off, sipping iced tea and bonding in that way that women do.

Kitty didn’t turn her face toward me, but she didn’t shake off my arm either. She was mad about something.

“What’s bothering you? You’ve been grumpy all day,” I prodded.

“Nothing.”

I wiggled my arm against her. “Come on, ma puce . You’re angry.”

Kitty was silent for a while, but knowing her like I did, I knew she was just gearing up to talk. When she did, I almost couldn’t hear her.

“I didn’t know you liked Annie.”

I sucked in a breath and held it. “I don’t like Annie.”

She pursed her lips like she didn’t believe me as she looked over at me.

“You know it’s you, Kitty.”

She was silent, avoiding my gaze. A ragged breath came from her. “Then why did you leave me out to dry all year? Why didn’t you date me? Why did you let everyone think I’m some kind of slut when it was you who kissed me?”

Guilt, shame, and a wave of nausea washed over me. I’d heard some people talk about Kitty here and there, but I didn’t know if those rumors came from me or from somewhere else.

“Kitty, I can’t give you what you need.”

She scoffed. “Bullshit. Just because our families are close? Your mom would be thrilled if we dated. My parents love you. Frank would get over it.”

“No, it’s not just that. I’m not who you think I am.”

She blanched. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

I’d never told anyone the truth about my dad. Not friends back home, not Frank, no one.

“My dad.” Those two words held so much weight for me, and that weight crushed down on my chest, constricting my breath. Kitty put her hand on my knee. She knew I was struggling. I fell silent.

“What happened with your dad?”

I looked over into her eyes. She was my Kitty. My person. And she might never see me the same way again after I told her. I covered her hand on my knee with my own, and she flipped hers and squeezed mine.

“You know I won’t judge you. I know you, Guy. I’m here for you.”

I took a deep breath. “He left for good maybe a year ago. He’s always had a problem with getting mad, anger. You know?”

Kitty nodded and I went on. “He’d be fine for a while. Then he’d just get so mad about something. He never actually hit me or Maman, but he’d get pretty scary. Then it’s like he’d wake up from it and just be mad at himself. He’d disappear for days and go drinking. The time before he left for good, he put a hole through our bathroom wall. Through the tile and everything. That was the only time Maman asked him to leave. She was worried for all of us. I think we all knew if she asked, he wasn’t coming back.”

Kitty squeezed my hand again and stayed quiet, waiting for me to say more. “He knew he couldn’t be what we needed, so he left. It was hard when he was there but it’s hard with him gone, too. Being in Quebec, his memory was everywhere. It bothered me, but it really got to Maman. She hated him for leaving us like that, even though she’d asked him to. I think we both wished he could have been better. We moved to get away from it all, have a new start.”

“I’m so sorry, Guy. That’s awful.”

“Your family is so important to me and Maman, Kitty. But really, it’s because I don’t want to do all that to you.”

“Guy, you’re not your dad. You know that, right? I’ve never seen you mad once.”

“I’ve been mad when people say things about you.” It’s true. I considered punching out anyone who said something about Kitty.

“That’s not the same thing, Guy. Everyone gets mad. You’re a good person.” She held my arm for emphasis. “You’re not him.”

“Yeah, but he played hockey, too. Maman thinks his anger was from getting hit too many times.” Emotion bubbled up inside me and tears pricked my eyes. “I still want to play. What if the same thing happens to me? I don’t want to be like him. It’s almost like I have to choose hockey or having a family someday.”

Kitty pulled my head into her chest and held me there while I cried. I’d never cried in front of her. Hardly anyone, really. She was so calm.

“Didn’t he play kind of a while ago?” she asked. “And aren’t the rules different now?”

“Kind of. I don’t know. People still get hit hard,” I sniffed, sitting up.

“You’re still not him, Guy-Guy. And you know what to watch out for. I don’t think you should compare yourself. Or give up hockey. If it’s what you want to do, you should do it.”

My heart felt lighter. She understood how important the game was to me. I didn’t really know what to say. Once again, Kitty just got me.

“Thanks.” She rubbed my back. The warmth that we shared physically and emotionally thrummed between us. “I just feel kinda doomed.”

“I can see why you’d feel that way.” She drew shapes in the sand with her toes. “Wanna tell me about your bad dream?”

I inhaled and held it for a moment. “I was running. Couldn’t stop. Something was chasing me. I’ve had problems with sleeping lately. I’m worried about Maman.”

“What do you mean? Why?”

“I’m not sure. I think she’s not feeling good. She’s been taking medicine a lot, and when she comes home from work, she’s always getting off the phone with my Grandmere.” I winced. “She hardly talked to her before we left home. I’m afraid Maman is sick.”

“Sick how?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Something just seems wrong. I can’t figure out what’s making her hurt so bad to need medicine all the time like that. I’ve asked her and she just shrugs me off. ‘Oh, it’s just getting old,’ or ‘Oh, just a headache.’ I’m afraid we’ll have to go back to Canada.”

“Guy, really?” Kitty’s eyes were big, brow furrowed.

“I’m not sure how much longer her visa is. I can stay because I’m a student, but she might not be able to. Healthcare costs so much in America. At least at home, it’d be free.”

Kitty let out a little whimper. “I hope that’s not true. I love your mom.”

“She loves you, too, Kitty Cat.” A smile curved my lips thinking of how close the two of them had gotten. “The daughter she always wanted.”

“I’m sorry,” Kitty said, dropping her head to my shoulder and putting her arm around my back. I returned her embrace, tightening my arm on her side. We were hip to hip and wrapped up in the blanket. It was a bittersweet moment, but there was nowhere else I would have rather been. Time passed as we watched the waves in comfortable silence. Just being together.

“What’s ma puce ?” Kitty asked.

I shrugged, hoping she didn’t feel the pulse of heat waft off my body. “Just a little name.”

She pondered that answer. “Do you call anyone else that?”

“Never. Just you,” I said seriously. “I can’t call you Kitty Cat all the time. I can’t believe that’s your real name.”

“It’s Kitty Gatto.”

“Which is Kitty Cat,” I teased.

“My parents are sadists.” She blew out a puff of air. “You know what’s weird? I don’t even like cats all that much.”

I laughed. Not what I was expecting Kitty to say after all the serious stuff we’d talked about.

“Okay, then, Kitty Cat. What’s your favorite animal?”

She sat, pensive. “I kinda like birds.”

My face warmed at her sweet and simple answer. “Kitty Bird. That sounds nice. I’ll call you Kitty Bird.”

“Or KB for short,” Kitty joked.

“Or Birdy,” I countered.

“Birdy’s nice.”

“Or ma puce .”

“That works, too,” Kitty said. “What do you want me to call you? Guy-Guy Frenchie?”

“I like that one,” I said, booping her nose. Then I went more serious. “I like that you call me Guy when no one else does.”

“Then I’ll call you Guy.”

I sat watching her, my arm still around her waist. I wanted to kiss her, this girl who made me laugh, made me feel alive, and saw me for who I was.

I nuzzled her neck. She turned to face me then, letting me glide my hand along her cheek. I wanted to tell her just how much I felt for her, but words didn’t seem enough. My fingers slid into her hair as my lips hovered over hers. Our breaths mingled, eyes trained on each other’s mouths.

The space between us closed, her lips tasting faintly of her strawberry lip balm but mostly of her. Finally, I was getting to enjoy her the way I wanted to the first time I kissed her. Her hand clasped around my neck, thumb stroking the little bit of stubble on my jaw. My stomach tingled as her tongue met mine. I deepened our kiss, devouring her. She let out a tiny whimper that awakened something primal in me. I pulled her so she was in my lap, and she arranged her legs to straddle me.

This was fucking heaven.

Our kiss didn’t break until I laid back in the sand. Kitty pulled the blanket up behind my head so I wasn’t just in the cold sand. That little action to take care of me meant so much. We hardly ever got to show each other that we cared. I held her waist as she looked down at me.

“You’re beautiful.”

“So are you,” she beamed. I reached up to kiss her again, pulling her down as her weight laid into me. My hand slipped under her sweatshirt, feeling the soft skin of her belly.

“Okay?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she whispered, starting our bruising kiss over again. She felt so good on top of me, just kissing while my hand explored under her shirt. She moaned as my palm found her soft cotton bra, and I couldn’t believe any of it was happening. Kitty Gatto, my best friend’s little sister, his beautiful little sister, my best friend, was letting me touch her in a way that felt so foreign and natural at the same time. Foreign because it was her, and natural because it had always been her for me.

My thumb dipped into her bra, carefully stroking over her hard nipple. She pulled out of our kiss and held her face over mine, eyes wild and panting.

“That alright?” I asked again. I was pretty sure I had more experience than her and I wanted her to be comfortable.

“It is, but,” she paused, looking down at my chest, “I’ve never gone all the way before.”

I nodded, understanding. “I haven’t either. Should we stop?”

She wrinkled her nose, looking disappointed. “Probably.”

I kissed her. “I’m good with that. Wanna snuggle?”

“Hell yeah,” she said with a smile. I flipped so we were both on our sides, facing each other. Our kisses rolled on with more tenderness. We fell asleep with her tucked against my chest, the waves and our own breathing our lullaby.