Page 46 of Pretty Poison

Lillian stopped midsentence and reached across his desk to grip his hand. “I know that look.”

“Excuse me?” Rocky asked, trying to pull himself together.

“I know trauma when I see it,” she said softly. “Judging by your reactions, it must’ve been pretty recent.”

Rocky ran a hand through his hair. “It was long enough that I should be doing better.”

“Bullshit,” Lillian said. The crass word sounded weird coming from someone so elegant. Maybe her wardrobe was a façade, her shield against the world. “Everyone heals differently. I don’t just mean the methods either. Are you talking to someone about it?”

Rocky nodded. “Well, kinda. I’m still warming up to the idea of therapy.”

“It’s an adjustment. I sometimes think it’s harder on men. Boys are taught to be stoic and emotionless from a young age. Feelings are a sign of weakness and all that other nonsense. Do you like the person counseling you?”

“I do.”

“Stick with it, Rocky. You’ll be better off in the long run.”

Rocky studied her open expression and kind eyes. “How’d you do it?”

“Do what? Get out of bed? Stop crying? Start living again?”

He nodded. “All of it. I feel like I’m still there. That night plays on an endless loop in my brain. I get little breaks now and then, but they’re like commercials. The relief fades, and the horror show resumes. I want to run, but my feet are stuck in something thicker and stickier than mud. I want to break free.”

Lillian tilted her head to the side. “Do you really?”

“Want to break free?”

Nodding, Lillian said, “It’s easy to say those words, but sometimes hard to mean them. Survivor’s guilt is an insidious enemy. Do you think you deserve to be free of the pain?”

Rocky stared at her without speaking for so long that Lillian started to look worried. She probably thought she’d overstepped, but in reality, she flipped on the “aha” switch in his brain. As much as Rocky wanted to heal from witnessing the double murder, a huge part of him didn’t believe he deserved it. That’s where he needed to start his recovery.

Lillian tightened her grip on Rocky’s hand instead of letting go. “Are you okay, Rocky?”

“Not yet, but I’m getting closer.” Rocky shook his head and pulled free from her grip, then scrub his face with his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

“For what?”

“For breaking down this way. It’s highly unprofess—”

“Knock it off,” Lillian said, cutting him off. “Helping other victims is how I honor my daughter’s life. I think it was destiny that we met today. I believe God puts people in our lives when we need them most.”

Rocky had once believed that too, so he nodded.

“My first task is putting together the absolute best board of directors and officers to ensure all the money we raise is being put to its best use. That’s where you come in. I have a list of candidates for each position. I’d like you to run full background checks on each of them. Every person attached to Halianna’s Hope must meet certain criteria.”

“I’d be honored,” Rocky said.

“Later, we’ll look at political candidates our organization can support to ensure we have friends in the state capitol and in Congress.”

From there, they discussed the timelines for the various phases of staffing the organization. Lillian wanted to focus on the board of directors first, who could then help her choose the rest of the staff.

“I think I’ve taken up enough of your time,” Lillian said once they’d gone over the agency’s pricing and invoicing processes. “I’ll have my assistant email the dossiers for each of the candidates once we’ve made our final selections. It will probably be sometime next week.”

Rocky rose to his feet and walked her back to reception. “Perfect. I’m looking forward to working with you, Lillian.”

“As am I,” she said.

Unlike waiting rooms at doctor’s offices, their reception area was on the small side. It looked even smaller with a mountain of muscle sitting in one of the chairs. Rocky’s steps faltered when he spotted Asher. His husband glanced up from the magazine he’d started reading and smiled.