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I knew I fucked up the moment I uttered those words. She doesn’t deserve to be spoken to that way, and when we get to the house, I’ll apologize.

Everything that’s happened has my head a goddamn mess. Especially knowing that Frankie is my motherfucking brother. I can barely cope with that shit. How the hell do I expect her to?

I can’t lose her. Lose them. If I continue the way I’m going, that’s what’s going to happen. Hell, it’s not like I can blame her.

How do I finally open up to her about my childhood after so fucking long? Things I’ve never wanted to talk about before. Out of sight, out of mind shit.

My sleep has been awful since our return from New York.

The kids we saved were so fucked up, and it pulled me back to my younger years.

Back to a time when I was them. I didn’t have anyone come to save me.

Giving them that, being their savior, has helped heal a part of the kid I used to be.

Therapy has never been my thing. Gavel knew shit was fucked-up when I arrived in Coral Cay and tried to get me to see one.

It took one visit with the therapist for me to know it wasn’t for me.

Opening up to a fucking stranger about the fact that my own parents passed me around to their church congregation as a fuck toy?

No, thanks. I worked through it in a way that helped me more.

Lots and lots of fucking bloodshed.

Hacking up a piece of shit, feeling their life force soak your skin, watching their light fade . . . fuck . Therapeutic as a motherfucker.

Now that my past has collided with Birdie’s present, it’s time to allow her to see the most shameful, broken pieces of me.

The ride back down to the house is quiet except for the twins chattering in the backseat. They love everyone at the club, but they’ve been itching to get back to their things. Back to their home.

Once I throw the SUV in park, they clamber out of the back and start running around the yard. I climb out and lean back against the body of the vehicle as I watch them run wild and free.

My body rocks with the vehicle as Birdie slams the passenger door and I wince at her show of anger.

Fuck. I’m in trouble.

Three of my brothers pull up to sit outside of the gates and I give them a nod for them to watch the kids while they’re out here playing.

They give me a two-finger salute, and I take off after my woman. She stops at the top of the stairs on the porch.

Perfect.

I barrel into her gently, shoving my shoulder into her stomach and toss her over my shoulder. It’s difficult getting the door unlocked and the alarm off as she beats against my back, but after smacking her ass in warning, I manage.

“Put me down right now, you fucking brute,” she snaps, punching my ass.

“Not yet.”

There’s a sharp pain in my ass cheek as she locks her teeth in, and I let out a hiss of pleasure.

“That’s right, little mama. Take your bites.”

When I make it to our bedroom, I toss her down on the mattress and climb on top of her before she can escape. I anchor her wrists in my hand and pull her arms over her head as I cage her in with my thighs.

Her eyes go hazy as she freezes. Before she gets locked into the fear, I lean down until my lips brush against her ear.

“It’s just me, little mama. I’m not him. You’re safe. You’re here.”

She cracks her head against my cheek as she shoves me away from her. “You’re not him, but you’re still an asshole.”

“I know.” Sighing, I rest my forehead against hers. “I’m sorry, baby. I shouldn’t have said that to you.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. I won’t put up with that bullshit, Apollonos.

I won’t ever be dismissed again. There are other ways to hurt me besides putting your hands on me.

Do you understand that? If this is going to work, you have to realize that.

You also can’t keep shutting me out. That didn’t work in the past. All it did was tear us apart. It has to be different this time.”

With a sigh, I move off of her and climb to the head of the bed. I pat the spot between my thighs. “Come here. Seems there’s a lot of shit we need to talk about.”

“The kids?”

“Are fine for now. Kraken, Savior, and Tomcat are sitting on them at the gate.”

Once she settles her back against me, I wrap my arms around her and rest my chin on the top of her head. I let the quiet settle around us for a bit as I prepare myself to let her into the dark part of me.

“The first time they passed me off to someone for a party, I was eight. There were things that happened before then. Little touches that were passed off as innocent but were really preparing me for what was to come.”

The breath stills in her chest at my words, and I brush my lips against the crown of her head in a silent order to breathe.

As the story unfolds, it gets easier to tell.

Her tears drop against the skin of my arm as her heart breaks for the kid I was.

I try not to go into too much detail. No fucking way do I want my woman to have those fucking visions in her head.

Just enough for her to understand my story and why I never talked about it in the past.

I tell her how I escaped that hell when I was sixteen and how I burned it down days ago.

I tell her how seeing her changed fucking everything for me when I was sixteen.

Birdie became my lifeline, my breath, the fucking reason my heart pulsed with each beat.

When my thoughts became heavy, she was the light I sought out. When the memories were too much and I’d find myself wanting to eat a bullet, she gave my life meaning.

Birdie gave me my life back and she never even knew it.

Until now.

She scrambles away from me to turn in my arms and climb back into my lap. Birdie stares into my wet eyes, her own filled with devastation. Then she makes an odd noise in her throat before burying her face against me as she cries.

Her tears scald the skin of my neck as they wash away my pain, my anger, my fucking shame for what was done to me when I was a kid.

Once again, Birdie’s light banishes my darkness.

“Promise me,” she stresses, when she leans back to peer up at me. “Promise me that if you ever feel like that again, you’ll come to me.”

I cup her cheeks, using the pads of my thumbs to wipe away the tears that fall down her beautiful face.

“I promise, little mama. But you don’t have anything to worry about.

I love living too fucking much. They were thoughts of a young man who didn’t know how to cope with what happened to him.

You and our kids are fucking everything to me.

I’ll fight my demons every damn day just to have one more with you all.

But know this, baby. If there’s ever a time when my demons do win, I went out with your name on my lips. ”

With a sob, she crashes her mouth to mine, tangling our tongues together as if she can suck my soul into hers to protect it.

When we pull away, we rest our foreheads together.

“There’s something else you need to know. Cypher found out the connection between me and Frankie.”

“What is it?”

“He’s my half-brother.”

Her body jerks in my arms as her glassy eyes widen. “What?”

“My father raped his mom when she was seventeen and Frankie was a result of that. He was a twin, but according to what Cypher and his contact could dig up, the twin was stillborn.”

“That’s why,” she whispers, something working behind her eyes.

“That’s why what?”

“Why I was so drawn to him in the beginning. I could never figure it out, but there were so many times that he reminded me of you. I latched onto those and dived in head first without paying attention to the red flags. There were so many times that they’d show up, but then he’d do something so sweet, so loving, that I would make excuses.

It didn’t get bad until the day you showed up outside of our house.

That’s when the flags began flying so high that I had no choice but to acknowledge them.

Do you know how hard it is to leave a situation like that?

One where you’re never safe, never sure what’s going to set them off?

People like Frankie . . . all it takes is one little thing and there’s a chance you’re not waking up the next morning.

It’s not as easy as people try to act as it is.

You always hear them asking ‘ why didn’t they just leave ’ without understanding the kind of repercussions just trying could have.

It’s more than just leaving . It’s an entire escape plan that has no holes.

It’s ensuring your kids will be safe, that you’ll be safe.

It’s glancing over your shoulder every second of every day to ensure you’re not being followed.

Paranoia becomes a close companion, and time becomes your best friend.

If it was as easy as just leaving, we would’ve been gone five years ago. ”

“I don’t think I’ve told you this yet, but I’m so goddamn proud of you.

You fought for something better for yourself and our kids.

Here you stand. Tall and strong after facing a demon who would have brought many to their end.

You chose yourself and by doing that, you chose our kids.

Because here’s the thing, Birdie. You have to come first. Otherwise, who are we without you?

You’re the life force behind us all. Every day, you have to wake up and choose yourself.

Only then can you find the strength to choose anyone else. ”

Her eyes search mine for the longest time. Both of us falling into the depths of the other as our broken pieces, once again, find solace.

“I love you,” she whispers.

I’m not going to cry like a fucking baby.

I’m not, goddammit.

“Love you too, little mama,” I choke out, burying my face in her throat.

Seven fucking years.

I’ve waited for seven years to hear those words again.

And they’re just as beautiful as the first time she ever fucking said them to me.