Page 18

When Pope asked me earlier if he could take the kids to the clubhouse, terror surges at the thought of them being so far away from me.

I gave an automatic ‘no’ without truly thinking his request through.

While Pope respected my decision, I could see the way it angered him, which only scared me more.

Trusting everyone in Coral Cay was proving more challenging than I assumed it would be.

My head knows I can, otherwise, I wouldn’t have run straight for home when I left Frankie.

It’s my heart I’m in a fierce battle with.

It urges me to continue shielding myself from the hurt that these people can cause.

“Come on, Mama. Come swing with me,” Lovelyn pleads, holding out her hand.

With a smile, I place mine in hers and climb to my feet to follow her outside. Legend has been in his room since Pope left, playing the game system he’d got him, so my girl is feeling lonely.

Lovelyn drags me to the swing set before releasing my hand to climb onto the swing. Once she’s secure, I move behind her and give her a gentle nudge to get her moving.

“Hey, Mama?”

“Yes, my little Love?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, sweetheart. I’m okay.”

The quiet grows between us as I push her on the swing. I can feel the way her brain works hard to get her thoughts in order, so I wait patiently, just enjoying the serenity that being with my daughter brings me.

“Are you happy?”

My hand freezes as her question hits me. Neither of my kids has ever asked that, so it catches me off guard.

How long has it been since someone has asked me that?

Valkyrie asked the day I married Frankie, but that’s the last time I remember being asked.

I didn’t lie to her when I told her I was.

I agreed to marry Frankie because he made each day a bit more bearable.

He made me smile and laugh. He never made the pain of losing Pope and the rest of my family disappear, but he made it easier to accept.

The Frankie I married isn’t the Frankie I ended up married to, though.

“You and your brother make me super happy,” I answer her in the only truthful way I can.

“I know that, Mama. That’s not what I’m asking.”

“How about this? Outside of you and your brother, no, I’m not. But I promise, I will be.”

Lovelyn stops the swing and looks over her shoulder at me. “That’s good because you deserve to be happy, Mama.”

“How did I get so lucky to be blessed with you and Legend?”

“Because you’re just as special as we are.”

Legend finally joins us outside, and we gear up for a game of tag.

I chase the two of them around the yard, laughing at their squeals when I nearly catch them.

They take off again, their little legs carrying them away when the rumble of a bike comes down the road.

I gather them to me quickly and hurry back inside, just in case it’s someone who shouldn’t be here.

Then that rumble becomes familiar, and I can’t help that sliver of giddiness that runs through me, though I don’t want it to.

“It’s okay. It’s just your dad,” I tell them, running my hands over the top of their heads.

Opening the door, we step out on the porch to greet him, but happiness rushes through me when I see Valkyrie and Manic pull in right behind him. I haven’t seen my sister since the day Manic threw her over his shoulder to cart her out of here.

“Your sister needed to see that you weren’t being held against your will. I’ll take the kids out to play while you all have a visit,” Pope says in a hard voice.

I want to check on him, to get a feel for where his head’s at, but now isn’t the time, and honestly, I don’t even know how to broach the subject.

Everything is so different between us now.

Even though he doesn’t express it often, he’s angry at me for keeping the twins from him.

It’s pretty ironic since the last I recall, he wanted nothing to do with us.

When I called the clubhouse to tell him, I was told he didn’t care and to get rid of them.

It’s bigger than just his anger. I still carry deep scars from his betrayal.

Thankfully, we’ve been able to co-parent successfully despite the powerful emotions we still feel toward one another.

He’s great with the kids, and they adore him.

It didn’t take long for them to warm up to Pope.

Now, it’s constantly ‘dad this’ and ‘dad that’.

I’m not jealous, but it leaves the bitter taste of resentment in my mouth.

Where was he when I could barely put on my shoes?

What about when I had the panic attack because I thought I was going into labor at only five months?

Where was he when I did go into preterm labor at thirty-four weeks?

It was scary. They tried to slow it down with magnesium, but I wasn’t dilating fast enough.

When they realized I wouldn’t dilate past six centimeters, they pulled me in for a c-section.

Where was Pope when the twins spent twenty days in the NICU?

He can be angry at me all he wants, but he needs to take a long look in the mirror and make sure he’s aiming that anger at the right person.

“Thank fuck, you’re okay,” Valkyrie says, wrapping her arms tightly around me after Pope, Manic, and the twins go back outside.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

She leans her head back and stares at me with wide eyes. “Why wouldn’t you be? Maybe because I haven’t heard from you since we got here. I haven’t even seen you! Pope could have been holding you hostage for all I knew.”

“Pope is an asshole, but he is not Frankie. I will never fear him physically hurting me. Emotionally is another story.”

Valkyrie rests her forehead against mine. “It was just like when Frankie kept you from me, though, and it scared me, Dee.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t consider how this would affect you. Next time, I’ll be sure to at least send you a message.”

Valkyrie pulls away and drags me over to the couch. “There won’t be a next time because nobody is going to keep me from you again. You’re so used to not being allowed to use the phone that it didn’t occur to you that you were free to do it now.”

“Honestly, I keep forgetting that I even have one. I always had to keep the extra one hidden from Frankie and he’d only let me have my main one when it was convenient for him. After a while, you don’t miss what you don’t have.”

“I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me the most.”

I shrug. “You had your own stuff going on, Kyrie. I kept the worst of it hidden from you. I never wanted you to know how bad it had gotten because it scared me to think of what you’d do.

I couldn’t have you hurt, too. Frankie would have done it just because you’re identical to me and because I love you.

He didn’t like anyone who took my attention away from him.

I went through a hell darker than I’d ever put on your shoulders just so I wouldn’t lose Lovelyn and Legend. ”

My bounces as my eyes flit around the room, searching for an enemy that is no longer there.

“How are you doing being back here?” Valkyrie asks, changing the subject.

“I’m scared to trust any of them.”

“Even Pope?”

“Especially Pope,” I admit. “It’s hard being surrounded by everyone who betrayed me. This place isn’t good for my heart anymore. Every day I wake up remembering the pain they put me through.”

A small creak comes from somewhere behind us and I jerk in that direction. There’s no one there, but my heart refuses to slow down as I run my eyes everywhere someone could be hiding.

I let out a whimper when Valkyrie grabs my hand.

“It’s okay, Birdie. There’s nothing there. The wind is blowing, so it’s probably just making some noise.”

“Sorry,” I whisper, tucking my chin into my chest and staring down at my hands.

“I think you just need to give it time here. Watch Pope and the others with the kids until your heart tells you it’s safe again. That’s when you’ll know you’re all going to be okay.”

“Pope is great with them.”

Valkyrie tilts her head and regards me. “Who else are you worried about, then?”

“The club girls. Our brother. Gavel. I just don’t know how to let anyone else in, Kyrie. It was hard enough coming to Pope.”

“You’re strong as hell, Dee. You’ve lived through so much evil and look at you now.

There’s still a long way to go, but I see peeks of the old Birdie trying to come out of hiding.

I have all the faith in the world in you.

You’ll work your way through this because,” she pauses and squeezes my hand, “we both know that this place is home. It always has been. You’re going to rise through these ashes, Birdie, and you’re going to take all their motherfucking names.

Just like always, I’m going to be right there at your back to take them on with you. I love you, Dee.”

“I love you, too. How are you doing being around Manic again?”

Valkyrie blows out a breath and falls back against the couch.

“It’s been fucking torture. He had a whole ass life with someone else while I was gone.

I don’t know why it was such a kick to the stomach, but it was.

We were friends, but we both acknowledged in our own ways that there was something more there, you know?

I never thought he’d settle down. He was so against it.

I didn’t expect him to stay celibate, especially since we were nothing, but it was supposed to be me.

I was supposed to be the one he settled down with and had his babies with.

Devereux is a sweet kid, but it’s so hard seeing them together.

” She gets lost in thought, chewing on her bottom lip.

“There are pictures in his house of him, Devereux, and Emma. That’s her name, you know.

Sweet, just like their little boy. I won’t lie, Dee.

I cried in the shower after seeing them together because Manic looked happier than I’d ever seen him. ”

“I’m sorry, Valkyrie. This is my fault. If you wouldn’t have left with me, you would have all that now.”

“Don’t take this on. Where you go, I go. I could’ve stayed, but Manic wasn’t ever going to claim me. Our age difference and the fact that I was a fucking ‘club princess’ kept him running like a bitch.”

“I won’t, but I’m sorry you’re hurting.”

Valkyrie’s shoulders lift and fall. “I’ll be okay once I’m not stuck in a house with him.

I need to find a job and then a place to live.

He thinks I’m just going to sit around playing house, but that dick has another thing coming.

The way I see it, he had his chance in the past. He blew that the same night Pope did because he had his hands all over some other bitch and didn’t stick up for us like I thought he would.

Then seeing the life he had while we were gone? I’m good, dude.”

“Did you all ever go there in the past?”

“A couple times, but Manic was good at pretending it didn’t happen and shoved us back into the friend zone the next day.”

Her eyes spark with happiness when the wonky smile crosses my face as I tilt my head. “Want me to cut off his dick with a rusty pair of scissors? I’m sure I can find some around here.”

“I see you,” she whispers, her eyes turning glossy.

“I’m here,” I reply in a low tone.

And I am. She and Pope are right. I’ve suppressed the fire within me for so long that rekindling it takes time.

Frankie beat the person I was out of me so badly that I struggle to find the light in the darkness.

Every day, it gets easier. But the more I heal those wounds, the closer I get to having to come to terms with the reason I left here in the first place.

And those wounds are harder for me to face.