Page 25

I hum along to the song as I dance around Pope’s bedroom as I pick up the mess he’s left.

It reminds me so much of the past that nostalgia warms my heart.

The man has always been messy. Not just at home, but everywhere.

His office at the clubhouse was in a constant state of chaos.

You’d think with the lifestyle he lives, he’d like a bit of control somewhere in his life.

He doesn’t, though. Unless you count the bedroom.

That man was all about control there. Very few times would he get on his knees for me.

Not unless he fucked up. It was the one way he would show me his remorse, because a man like Pope didn’t get on his knees for anybody.

His laundry is on the bed, waiting to be put away, so I go to the closet to grab some hangers.

With a stack of them in my hand, I’m about to turn away when the piece of black leather in the back of the closet catches my attention.

The hangers fall from my hands as I step farther into the spacious area.

Why would he keep it?

The leather is cool and stiff under my trembling fingers. My eyes sting with unshed tears as I lift the hanger from the rack so I can get a better look. I carry it out of the closet and place it reverently on the bed.

Would things have been different if I had accepted his claim?

They didn’t for my parents. My mom grew up in this lifestyle.

When my dad claimed her as his ol’ lady, she was happy to accept because she loved him.

She thought her having that title would be enough.

I guess it was for a while, but the lifestyle went to my dad’s head.

He had sweetbutts constantly throwing their pussy in his face, and he eventually caved to the temptation.

Each time, it was easier for him until it became something he just didn’t give a fuck about.

He didn’t care that he was hurting his wife.

He didn’t give a shit that his kids were watching him betray their mom.

He pretended not to notice that Mom lost a bit of herself with each betrayal.

That she became bitter toward club life.

Mom refused to leave because she said that’s just how club life is.

The ol’ ladies turned a blind eye when their ol’ man had sex with someone else. That’s just how it was done.

I watched Mom lose her light day by day, unable to do anything except stroke her hair when she’d get lost in her mind for a while.

Then one day, she didn’t have any more light to lose. Dad found out one of the women he cheated on Mom with had his kid and gave it up. He was hellbent on finding the kid, expecting Mom to help him raise it when he did.

I think that was the last straw for Mom.

It was what finally broke her so badly, she couldn’t recover.

Two days after Dad told her he was searching for the kid, Mom took her own life.

Mad Dog and Gavel found her while Dad was off on his stupid search and Valkyrie, Cyanide, and I were in school.

She left notes for Dad and the three of us.

Whatever she wrote in Dad’s sent him spiraling.

He turned to alcohol to numb his guilt, and he was eventually killed because he was too drunk to protect himself or anyone else.

I don’t know if Kyrie or Cyanide ever read their notes, but I didn’t.

I couldn’t. The last I knew, it was hidden in Pope’s desk at the clubhouse.

Piston died before he could find his kid, and none of us bothered to pick up the search. Was it fair to hold Dad’s affairs against the kid? No. But finding them meant having a constant reminder around of why Mom took her life.

I loved her. Deeply. Fiercely. As much as a child could love their parent. There was no way I could betray her memory by bringing that kid into our lives. Cyanide and Valkyrie must have felt the same way because neither of them has ever brought it up.

Do I regret it? Sometimes. There are days when I wonder who they are, what they look like, how their life is. But then the memories of Mom’s pain, the way her broken soul shone in her eyes, would flood back to me.

Our childhood, watching all the toxicity go down between our mom and dad, shaped the three of us in different ways.

I was never afraid of love. It was tying myself to someone in this club in a way that was unbreakable that terrified me.

Wearing a property kutte, owning the title of ol’ lady .

. . it was a chain that didn’t bend, that didn’t break.

It wasn’t something you just pulled off when you decided you were done.

Things in the club had changed by the time Pope wanted to claim me.

Infidelity didn’t happen as often, but it still showed its ugly face.

It popped up like an unwanted STD, intent on ruining your life with something you’ll never recover from.

Ol’ ladies received more respect than in the past. They were cherished more, given more of a voice.

But it was still, and always would be, club first. As a club brat, I understood that.

I even respected it. Which is why I could never bring myself to put that kutte on.

I always told myself I didn’t have to worry because he would never betray me.

And I didn’t . . . until he did.

He didn’t fuck her. I don’t doubt that for a second, and I knew that seven years ago. But he still betrayed me because he crossed the one boundary I set for our relationship.

Loyalty.

It’s the only thing I ever asked of him.

Don’t betray me by putting your hands on another woman intimately. Don’t betray me by speaking to another woman or man in a way you wouldn’t be comfortable with me doing with someone.

He did both, signaling the end of our relationship.

If he couldn’t respect me enough to talk to me, then he didn’t deserve me or my love.

Period.

I considered coming back plenty of times before I got with Frankie. Until I tried to tell Pope I was pregnant. After that, it was easier to walk away.

The loud voices outside pull me out of thoughts from the past. I hang the kutte back in place and quietly shut the closet door, not wanting to see it anymore.

Lovelyn and Legend join me in the living room as we watch Valkyrie and Cyanide through the open front door.

“You have to speak to me sometime, Ky,” our brother says.

Valkyrie laughs harshly. “No, the hell I don’t.”

“What are you going to do, ignore me? I’m not going anywhere.”

“Fuck. You’re like something Ajax won’t get rid of. I don’t know why you followed me here.”

“Because I want to talk to her. I need to fix this.”

He doesn’t hide the agony in his voice when he says it, and I’m not the only one it affects. Sadness hits Valkyrie’s face before she shakes her head to clear it away.

“She wants nothing to do with you either, dipshit,” she growls.

“Do I not get to make my own decisions here?” I ask, interrupting their stare-down.

They turn to me, grimacing when they spot Lovelyn and Legend standing beside me.

“You might as well come in,” I tell them, pushing the screen door open. “Love, G-Man, go finish playing. Once we finish talking, you can come spend time with your aunt and uncle.”

Once the kids are upstairs, I wave them into the kitchen. “Come on. There’s some beer in the fridge.”

There’s a deep-set frown on Valkyrie’s face. “Are you sure about this, Dee?”

I shrug, my fingers tapping against my leg in sets of four. “It’s okay. It’s time to stop running, Kyrie. We’ve both been doing it for seven years.”

Her eyes tell me she doesn’t agree with me, but she won’t say that out loud. Instead, she shrugs and follows me into the kitchen.

They’re quiet as I grab the beers from the fridge and pop the tops before handing them out. The bitter liquid is cool on my parched throat. I’m not prepared for this conversation, but it’s here. Like I said, there’s no more running.

Cyanide picks at the label on the bottle.

“The most important things I have to say to you are that I’m sorry for the hurt I caused and I love you.

There’s background to what happened that I won’t get into until you both speak to Pope about the past. I will tell you we did what we thought was best in order to protect you both.

We couldn’t think of any other way to do that except for the way we did. ”

“You could’ve trusted us,” I tell him.

“In hindsight, we could have. But we didn’t, and that’s on us. We lost you both because of it. I think it was a painful lesson for all of us.”

Valkyrie snorts, but doesn’t say anything. She won’t forgive him as easily. Probably because of our past with our dad. She sees too much of Piston in him.

“You owed me loyalty in a way that Pope didn’t, Cian,” I tell him, using his given name so he understands the importance of what I’m saying.

“You’re my brother. My blood. If anyone should have had my back—our backs—seven years ago, it should’ve been you.

But just like Dad, this club was more important. ”

He flinches as my words—my comparison—hits him. Cyanide hated our father. It was a burning rage that never fully disappeared, and when Dad died, he had nowhere to aim it any longer. To be compared to the man he despised the most is unfathomable.

“I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say to fix this,” he admits in a choked voice.

Despite the anger, the sadness, and the pain I still feel toward him, knowing he’s hurting hurts me. I reach out and place my hand on his arm. “There’s nothing else you can say, Cian. Words aren’t going to magically fix what’s broken. Sometimes what’s broken can’t be fixed at all.”

He shakes his head. “I won’t believe that.”

I lift my shoulder. “I accept your apology, but I can’t offer you forgiveness just yet. Time will tell because it’s deeper than you betraying us. You completely turned your back on us. You left us no opening if we ever needed you. And I did, Cian. I needed you so many times.”

“There was no other way,” he says with anguish.

I tuck a loose curl behind my ear and give him a sad smile. “There was. You just chose not to take it. Would you like to officially meet your niece and nephew?”

It’s not forgiveness, but it is an olive branch.

Cyanide clears his throat and runs his fingers through his hair. His smile is shaky. “I’d love to.”

“I’ll get them,” Valkyrie mutters, jumping from the chair and hurrying out of the kitchen.

“She’s never going to forgive me.”

“Her forgiveness is not mine, so I can’t say if she will or not. Don’t give up on her. She still loves you. We both do. You’re our big brother.”

“Love you too, Pixie.”

I scrunch my nose at the nickname I haven’t heard in years.

For the next couple hours, I sit with Valkyrie on the porch as we watch our big brother play with my kids.

I never realized how much love I was depriving them of when I stayed with Frankie.

Here, they’re surrounded by people who want nothing more than to shower them in affection. Here, they have family.

I’d be failing them if I didn’t let them have that.

“One down. Only an entire club to go through now,” I whisper to Valkyrie.

She reaches out and tangles our fingers together, giving my hand a tight squeeze. “You say the word and I’ll take them all out. Me and you against the world, sister.”

“And I love you for it. Like I said earlier, it’s time to stop running. Aren’t you tired, Kyrie?”

Valkyrie shrugs with a wicked smile. “I’ll rest when I’m dead.”

She sends the swing into motion, and I lean my head against her shoulder, smiling at the happy squeals coming from the twins.

For them, I’ll face anything.

Even the past that broke me.