Page 32

Standing on top of the podium with the guy I’m falling so hard for was the most unbelievable experience. A once-in-a-lifetime moment, literally, since he’s announced his retirement.

I love seeing him celebrating with his family and including the kids in everything. I know the passing of his mum came up in a lot of the interviews and he spoke movingly about the impact this had on him during the season. He spoke too about his sister’s sacrifices in caring for their mum so that he could achieve his dreams, and I know this will have meant a lot to Elise.

We’re taking a low-profile approach to our relationship with the press. It’s not that we’re trying to hide anything, and it’s not that we’re afraid of prejudice within the world of motor racing. It’s just that the way I lived before, splashing every hook-up and bar crawl onto my social media, desperately seeking validation and approval from strangers, is not something I want to do with the precious connection that Kian and I share.

It’s private, but not secret.

It belongs to us, and only us.

At the Hendersohm party, the celebration has a different vibe. Here, we are not on show. Here we are not ‘working royals’, so we can be a couple as well as teammates. The whole team and their invited family members, guests and friends get a chance to meet and share stories and to put the proverbial icing on this season’s cake.

The first person to approach us is Elijah, who’s here with his family.

Elijah hugs Kian like he’s a soldier returning from war, but it’s a beautiful reunion and I can tell how happy they are to be back together. I feel bad that Elijah missed out on being a part of this incredible season, but I also know I never would have fallen in love with my idol, the great Kian Walker, if not for Elijah’s accident.

‘The infamous Harper James.’

Elijah sticks his hand out for me to shake and I take it with a firm grip. He’s probably not trying to be intimidating, but I want him to like me. He’s Kian’s best friend, so it matters what he thinks of me.

‘Not as infamous as you, Elijah Gutaga. Trust me, at the start of the season this one –’ I thumb towards Kian ‘– sulked so much that he was stuck with me and not you. They were big shoes to fill.’

He grins and I almost breathe out a sigh of relief that he doesn’t seem to completely hate me. ‘That probably changed, huh, when you started sucking his dick?’ I gulp, not sure what I was expecting from Elijah, but it wasn’t this. ‘He doesn’t get that from me so I think you’ve probably one-upped me there.’

‘Touché,’ I reply and Kian tugs me into his side.

‘I’m going to regret introducing you two. I know you’re going to bring out his immature side.’ He nudges me in the ribs.

‘I can’t believe my best friend’s in love,’ Elijah says.

‘What can I say? How could he resist falling for me?’

We might not have said those magical I love yous to each other yet, but I know how he feels about me and I hope he knows how I feel about him.

‘I mean, it was touch and go at first when you couldn’t stop being a dick,’ he says with nothing but sarcasm to his voice.

‘Me? A dick? Never.’

‘Did you or did you not once suck a guy off in the hallway of our motorhome?’ I wince as he reminds me of one of the low points of the season, but he squeezes me closer and I know he’s over it.

‘They best be bloody disinfecting it before I move back in next season.’ Elijah rolls his eyes.

‘Don’t worry, I didn’t get to finish before Kian strode out of his room and told me off.’ I wasn’t about to mention that we’d also had sex on the couch, kitchen counter top, in the shower and in both of the bedrooms. What Elijah didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him next season.

‘You ready to come back?’ Kian asks Elijah, and it’s clear that Elijah’s champing at the bit.

‘You bet your ass I am. Can’t believe it won’t be with you, but I don’t suppose I’ll be grumbling if we get to keep your boyfriend around.’

It’s nice to hear, but I’m not about to get my hopes up just yet. I’ll let my agent work on the contract negotiations and only once the ink is dry will I be confident about next season.

‘I hope so,’ I say. ‘I really hope so.’

I spot Grant coming over with Jesse on his shoulders, so I’m sure Elise and Cassie aren’t far behind. Nudging Kian, he quickly spots them too.

‘Would you excuse us?’ Elijah peers over his shoulder and steps aside with a nod, returning to his wife and two kids.

Kian’s off at a sprint before I can even move a muscle, and then Elise is running and Cassie is falling over and picking herself up without a single tear and then running again to catch up. Kian spins Elise around, hugging her tight. And then Cassie is there and he’s spinning her around too, and the little girl is screaming with delight as her hair and her dress stream out behind her. It’s downright adorable. There are no other words.

Grant and Kian shake hands, and then Grant hands over a squirming Jesse who has no idea what’s going on but is clearly wildly overstimulated. I’ll never get enough of watching them like this.

I don’t catch much of their conversation, but it’s full of love and pride and joy.

‘And on Cassie’s birthday!’ Elise exclaims.

Kian hoists the little girl up again and does a little routine as though she’s the trophy and he’s kissing her and showing her off. ‘I won you a cup, baby girl, did you see?’

She nods, talking a mile a minute – largely incomprehensible, as far as I can make out – and giggling as Kian spins her around again. I find it almost painful to watch. Tears threaten, and I don’t know if they’re tears of second-hand joy, or if they’re also a kind of self-pity too, mourning what I never had as a kid.

It’s beyond clear that Kian wants this for himself. He dotes on his niece and nephew, always reading them stories on FaceTime and buying them little gifts from every country we visit. He’ll be a fantastic dad one day.

In moments like these I can see us doing it. Raising a family. It’s bloody scary and overwhelming considering I don’t know the first thing about being a father, but for the first time in my life I have some good role models to learn from.

I think we’ll have at least a couple of years before that, anyway. If I know Kian, he’ll want me to have my moment in the sun like he’s had, and if we do decide to have kids then we’ll both want to be around all the time to parent properly. After we’ve both experienced the pain of absent parents, I know we’ll agree on the importance of doing it right.

Elise nudges me as we watch her brother and her firstborn share such a beautiful moment. ‘I can’t believe my baby brother has a boyfriend.’

‘You’re all of thirteen minutes older,’ Kian reminds her with a groan, as he puts Cassie down. She still clings to him, her tiny hand wrapped around two of his fingers.

‘You should get yourself one of those, Kian.’

Elise eyes me for a second and I shoot a desperate glance to Kian almost pleading for him to confirm that I’m doing okay. But Elise’s expression is speculative, rather than critical, and I wonder if she’s read my mind about the possibility of future children.

She gestures to where Kian’s looking at me like a prized possession and I have to gulp down the emotion that threatens to spill out of me.

‘He’s so happy, and I don”t think it’s just because he’s won yet another trophy.’

I hope she’s right. I want to make Kian happy – forever, if he’ll let me. There’s so much I probably need to tell him. I’m not sure I could turn all my feelings into words right now, but that’s okay because the great thing about the off season is that we have time. There will be time to tell him in a way that won’t be messy and chaotic. We have time.

‘I mean, the trophy’s great, but look at me…’ I gesture to my body and everyone laughs. I’ll take it while I’m not quite sure how to have these sappy conversations with his favourite people yet.