Page 27

‘Ithought I’d find you in here.’ Elise’s quiet voice in the doorway scares the crap out of me. She lingers in the darkness, only illuminated by the glow of the TV.

The volume’s on low, but the subtitles tell me everything I need to know. The race is coming to its conclusion and I’m trying not to watch it.

Sure enough, I’ve heard my name way too many times for someone who’s not actually competing. They even talked about Mum and I’d cried into one of my sister’s decorative couch cushions.

‘Apparently, even when I’m not there I still can’t keep away.’ She joins me on the sofa, tugging a blanket over both of us. It might only be mid-September but we could both use the comforting warmth.

It just reminds me that we probably need to talk about what we’re going to do with this place. The land all belongs to Mum, so soon, once we get probate, it will be ours. I have a cottage on the edge of the estate and Elise and Grant have their house that they’ve been renting out for the last four years while they were caring for Mum. I don’t know if she’ll want to stay in this house.

But Elise has raised the kids here since they were born and I know there are just as many happy memories as sad ones, even though they’re not top of mind at the moment. I’ll support her in doing whatever she wants.

I’m even thinking about moving back into the cottage if I retire at the end of this season. It would be perfect for just me. I could escape everything, but still only be a forty-minute drive from Norwich town centre. It’s just a two-bed cottage, but I love the living room and kitchen. I renovated it a while back, but kept all the period features like the sliding barn doors to the pantry and the beams on the ceiling. It has an incredibly cosy, homely feel. Maybe I’ll get a cat. Maybe some chickens. Who knows. The world is going to be my oyster supposedly when I retire at the ripe old age of thirty-four.

‘Do you wish you were there?’ she asks as the race starts.

‘It’s weird that everything just carries on like it did before Mum died. Like, doesn’t the world know that this major thing has happened? But no, I’m not sorry to be here with you.’

I’m not resentful that I’ve had to come home. There have been so many moments of relief to be here with my twin, if I’m truly honest, but I also have terrible FOMO. I definitely miss being behind the wheel. I miss the way different tyres grip the track. I miss being in control of a powerful engine and constantly smelling like rubber and petrol. I miss the adrenaline high and the importance of every split second during a race. How do you not miss a job that’s been your whole life for the last fifteen years and beyond if you count the many years of youth karting I did?

Yet this season has been different. In more ways than I care to admit right now.

‘I can’t tell you how happy the kids are to have their uncle KiKi home.’

‘I think, um, I think I might be home more often after this season. I think. Don’t say anything to anyone else. I’m not a hundred per cent yet, but I’m getting close.’

Elise dives at me and crushes me into a hug. ‘Oh, Kian,’ she murmurs into my shoulder like I’m giving her the best news ever.

‘I know,’ I reply as she pulls back. ‘I’m just … I think I might be ready to say goodbye.’ It seems like a common theme right now, saying goodbye – to Mum, to my career, and to the guy who could have been the love of my life.

Mum did always use to say that things happened in threes. Rain, thunder, and lightning. Three’s a storm, she’d tell us when we were little. Very apt for this moment.

‘You know we’ll support you no matter what, right? Whether you come home for good or for a year, or not for another few years, we’ll all be here.’

‘Don’t make me cry, Elise. My eyes have never hurt so much in my whole life.’ Ever since the flood barriers opened, I’ve hardly stopped. It’s like Niagara Falls coming out of my tear ducts.

‘I just want you to know. I’m sure right now everything seems horrific and maybe you’ll change your mind when you go back, but we’ll always be here, even when motor racing isn’t.’

She’s right. She’s always bloody right.

‘I know. I just think this might be it. I’m tired, and kind of ready to think about what comes next. Might as well have one big fresh start, right?’

‘Like with a particular guy maybe?’ She nudges me in the side, ribbing me with a cheeky grin and I am rolling my eyes when I catch sight of what’s on TV. Harper is being interviewed. I can’t believe I missed the end. I don’t know what happened or how he did.

‘I don’t think so,’ I say turning back to Elise. ‘I think we’re done.’

‘Who could ever be done with you.’

I can’t tell if she’s worked out who it is? I haven’t said his name since I’ve been home, but maybe she’s guessing.

‘He doesn’t want what I want, and we’re so different,’ I say. ‘No, we’re done. I need to get over it and move on. He already has.’

‘Has he? Are you sure?’

She takes the remote control and starts to turn up the volume.

I look at her, and see a familiar smugness in her expression that’s always bugged me. She’s only older by a few minutes, but she acts like those extra minutes gave her the wisdom of an ancient philosopher.

‘Yeah, I’m sure. He really hurt me, El, and I can’t have him messing with my head anymore.’

‘Just watch it, Ki, and then tell me he’s done with you.’

My eyes go to the screen, and we both watch as Harper makes his speech.

Live on international television, Harper James is dedicating his win to me. Not only that, he pays tribute to Mum and what I’m going through. I’m struggling for air. These words aren’t possible from the person who went out and banged someone else just a few nights ago.

Elise’s hand is clutching mine.

‘Now tell me he’s done with you.’

I roll my eyes. I guess we’re not pretending anymore that she doesn’t know the guy I’ve been sleeping with is Harper James.

‘But we’ve been here before. This is exactly what he does. It’s a constant push-pull. He wants me, he doesn’t want me. He screws up, he comes back and does something sweet. I can’t do it anymore.’

‘I agree, that doesn’t sound great. It also sounds like he’s trying to figure some things out. Have you talked about it?’

‘That’s the thing, El. He won’t – or he can’t … I don’t know. I’ve tried, and he just shuts down. It’s been really messing with my head.’

‘Is that what happened in Italy? With the crash? Because if it’s becoming dangerous?—’

‘Yes and no. That was my own fault,’ I reassure her. ‘If I make a mistake on the track, that’s on me, not him.’

It feels so good to finally be able to talk about this with someone. I wish I’d opened up sooner. Elise squeezes me and sighs. I know she worries about the risks I take, and especially now when we only have each other left.

‘What would Mum say?’ I ask.

She’s quiet for a moment while she thinks.

‘Mum would say that life’s too short not to have what you really want. If you were … if you were on your deathbed, and you looked back over your life, what would you want to remember? What would bring you comfort and joy? Is it Harper James? Because if so…’

Okay, fine, I admit it. Those extra few minutes did give my sister the wisdom of the ancients.

Damn.