Page 17

Never have I longed for a flight to be over so quickly. It’s only a two-hour journey, but with how I’ve been counting down the minutes it’s felt about twenty.

The crew even manage a dinner service but it’s definitely contributed to making the flight feel ten times longer.

The guys who’ve flown with us are all napping, preparing for what’s going to be an incredibly busy time back in the UK where everyone wants a piece of us, but Anna’s wide awake.

Wide awake and striding down the aisle to where Harper and I are sitting, his head resting on my shoulder and his hand on the top of my thigh under the blanket I conveniently have spread over my lap.

I nudge him so he doesn’t give anything away, but he only grins when he cracks an eye open to see Anna coming our way. He even brushes my cock as he pulls his hand back, and I know he’s teasing me.

Asshole.

‘Well this is cosy. Are we finally playing for the same team?’

I almost choke on nothing but the recycled plane air. She has no clue what’s going on, but her comment has me almost losing it. Next to me, Harper cracks up, his laughter like a wolf howling as he wakes up half the plane.

‘You two are very weird, but we don’t have time to unpack that right now.’

She hands us laminated cards, which look suspiciously like tightly-packed schedules, and I groan.

I love the hype I get in the UK, and because Hendersohm has had only British drivers for the last decade and a half, the team is treated like homegrown heroes, but I could do with a break. Especially now.

‘Okay, so tonight you’ll be recording on the Need for Speed podcast and then first thing tomorrow morning there’s a four-hour slot for a photoshoot for some of the new team merchandise and then in the evening you’ll be on the evening sports slot on the BBC news.’

While Anna’s speaking I cast my eye over the details of the rest of the next two weeks and the schedule looks absolutely insane. She continues to run through how every minute of our time is going to be taken up by some photo shoot or soundbite recording and whilst I love this side of being a pro driver, I can’t help but wonder when Harper and I are going to get any time together. Or when I’m going to be able to nip back to Norfolk to see Mum, Elise and the kids.

It’s a lot, to say the least.

‘So what you’re saying, Anna, is that I’ll be getting around three hours of sleep a night and working out and eating at, like, three in the morning?’ I’m teasing, but I also have a system of preparation that I need to follow for each race – important stuff that impacts how well I do.

‘Whatever works for you, Kian. Just make sure you’re on time and that you drag him along with you.’

‘Hey! I’m getting more and more punctual all the time,’ Harper interjects, but Anna just laughs in his face. I love that she doesn’t take his shit. She’s the most perfect fit for a PR manager in Hendersohm.

‘Whatever you need to tell yourself, rookie.’

Patting the top of his unruly curls, she takes off back down the plane to her own seat.

* * *

The week descends into chaos. Never have I ever been so busy in my life. Even more so when my agent drops into casual conversation that my favourite brand of gym-wear wants me to be one of their new faces, but they need me to do some model test-shots while I’m in the UK in order to be sure. Because of the way Anna’s packed the schedule, there’s no way I can make it back to Norfolk to see my family.

It’s crushing. I’m so close and yet I might as well be on the other side of the world.

And then, two nights before qualifiers, I get the best text ever.

Managed to sort carers for Mum, so me, Grant and the kids are coming up to Silverstone for the weekend. Will drive up in time for dinner after qualifying and stay till Monday!

Of course, I’m curled up in bed with Harper when I get it. We’re both naked, and still breathing heavily after another mind-blowing orgasm, so he catches the way my face lights up at the text.

‘Should I be worried that someone else is making you smile like that when I’m lying right next to you?’ he asks, lifting himself up on his elbows. His chin rests on my bare chest as he looks up at me with teasing eyes shining in the light of my phone.

Would he actually be worried if there was another guy or girl texting me right now? Would that bother him? Would it make him jealous? I’m not sure, because he’s not exactly forthcoming about his feelings. And more importantly, do I want him to be worried?

‘Um, Elise is here for the next few days as her husband’s got some time off work and she thinks Cassie will enjoy some of the race, even though she won’t make it through all of it. I’m gonna go and meet them for dinner, and maybe stay at their hotel the night before qualifiers so I can put the kids to bed.’

I don’t know why I feel so nervous telling him this. It’s quite normal for family to come and watch your home Grand Prix, but it only highlights the awful truth that Harper doesn’t have any family. I can’t bear that he’s going to be alone. Not alone alone, because his best friend is here, too, and so am I, but alone in the sense that there’ll be no one on the side supporting him this weekend.

‘I’m so excited for you. I bet you’re dying to see them?’ I can tell by the smile on his face that he means it. His whole stupid, gorgeous face…

‘I just wish I could get home to see Mum. It feels weird to know that she’s going to be with temporary carers for the next couple of days. Two random strangers she’s never met before… But then, it’s not like I’m there most of the year so I feel guilty all the time anyway. I don’t know. I feel a bit stressed about it and, like, I think Elise is?—’

I don’t get any more words out as he kisses me to stop me talking. My brain short-circuits, allowing me a few minutes to forget about my worries outside the four walls of this motorhome.

He pushes me back down onto the bed, straddling my hips as he chases my lips as I fall back into the couch. It’s delicious in every sense of the word. His lips taste like sweet cherry cola with a side of raw passion. He sighs as I part my lips and let him in, like there’s nothing he wants more in this moment.

There’s desire spiralling through my body, but he’s not hard as I grind up against him. Maybe he needs a bit longer to recover, but I choose to read it as an indication that he doesn’t want more than this right now. He’s not looking to lose himself in physical release; he’s looking for connection. It’s caring and, dare I say it, loving. He’s kissing me to shut me up, but he also knows this will take my mind off my worries. It feels like he’s doing this for me rather than for his own pleasure. It might be the most unselfish thing he’s done all season.

I push my hands into his hair and grip the back of his head, bringing him closer – if that’s even possible. I can feel his heart beating in his chest and the way he kisses me back tells me he would fold himself into me if he could. I don’t know what this feeling is, but I know I want more.

* * *

I get one of the best nights’ sleep I’ve had on the road so far, and it’s even better to wake up knowing that I’m going to get to see my family for the first time in four months.

There’s all of Anna’s media commitments to get through first. They fly by in a blur of banter with Harper, and then Sky Sports does a piece on my highlights from fifteen years in the sport, and finally I play a reaction-based game on BBC TV against four other drivers.

Then it’s qualifiers, and I put on an absolute show for the crowd and most importantly my family. I sweep not only P1, but my personal-best lap time at Silverstone. The next thing I know I’m pulling up at the restaurant, eyes frantically searching every table for my family.

In ultimate twin behaviour, Elise and I spot each other at exactly the same time and I’m sprinting towards her before we hug like it’s the last time we’ll ever get to do it.

‘Oh, God, I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy to see you!’

She all but jumps into my arms and I spin her around like we’re little kids again. She snuffles into my shoulder and almost at the exact same time I feel tears pricking my eyes.

It’s always been hard being away from my family for nine months of the year, but this season’s been the worst. We’re both getting older, my niece and nephew are growing up without their uncle, and Mum’s not going to get any better. I’m missing out on so many firsts, and so many lasts.

It keeps retirement at the front of my mind all the time, and even more so in this moment.

‘No tears, El, please. Let’s just enjoy dinner and then tomorrow.’

‘We saw you qualified in first place! Smashing it, baby bro.’ She punches my shoulder and then wipes the stray tears from her face.

Grant approaches with Jesse strapped to his front in a baby carrier and Cassie’s little hand held firmly in his. I’m glad to be eating at 5pm if it means I get to see this pair. He offers me a half hug and then I quickly kneel down in front of Cassie.

She has her very own toy race car which she holds up to my face for inspection.

My eyes flick up to my sister and she shakes her head.

‘Don’t start. We were in the giftshop at the Silverstone Museum today whilst you were doing your media thing and free practice and she picked it herself. Don’t even think about putting thoughts in her head about getting her into a kart. It’s not allowed.’

She sounds serious, but I know she’d never stop her daughter following her dreams, even if it means following in her uncle’s footsteps.

‘No promises,’ I reply. ‘Hey, baby girl.’ I pat the car. ‘Did you enjoy the museum?’

She nods. ‘You were on the wall.’

‘She told every single person who walked past your mural that you’re her uncle. I’m not sure how many people believed her but she was loving life.’

I remember going to see it when they first opened the ‘through the decades’ portion of the museum. I was shocked and also proud that I was being included in the 2010s section amongst so many of the greats, both past and present. I only wish I’d been able to go with them today.

‘I’ll take them back when they’re a bit older so they can experience the true magic of it.’ I know there are a couple of simulators Cassie wouldn’t have been allowed on because of her age, and I’m already looking forward to taking both kids back there one day so they can see what their uncle did for a living, once upon a time.

We head to our table in the restaurant. Jesse stays asleep in the carrier, but I plop Cassie in a high chair next to me at the table. She babbles on and on about everything she’s seen today and I’m completely at peace as I listen along, asking questions to find out more.

She chows down some pasta and a bowl of ice cream and then promptly falls asleep in the high chair while the rest of us finish eating.

‘You look really well, Ki,’ Elise says from across the table. Grant has his arm around her and she’s leaning her head towards her son, admiring his little sleeping face. ‘Better than I’ve seen you in forever. New skincare routine? Botox?’

‘Ha ha,’ I say sarcastically. It’s not like I can tell her I’ve met someone, that I’m having the best sex of my life, that Harper James is making me happy and relieving some of my stress. ‘Well, my agent did set up this brand partnership with Clinique Men. Anna brought me like two whole bags full of products after I signed on the dotted line.’

‘I’m so jealous. Can you try and nab me a lifetime supply of their Dramatically Different moisturiser? It’s my fave.’

‘I’ll see what I can do.’

The second I get home, I’ll get Anna onto that. I’m sure there are some strings she could pull to make that happen.

‘No, but seriously. Anything we should know?’ They’re both grinning at me like they already know my secret. ‘Have you met someone? Who are they?’

Technically, I’ve never come out to Elise, but she’s always known. She probably knew before I did.

I shrug. I don’t want to lie to them. I’ve never lied to Elise in my whole life. But I’m not quite ready to talk about it. Harper and I haven’t talked about what we are to each other, and I have no idea whether he would want me to say anything to my family.

‘He’s just some guy.’ The words feel stale on my tongue as I downplay all the emotions that have been fluttering around inside me about Harper. It’s the first time I’ve said anything out loud about him – about us.

She squeals, not using her inside voice, before squeezing her husband’s arm. ‘I told you, didn’t I? I knew there’s been something different about you recently. You’ve got that relationship glow.’

‘It’s not a relationship, per se.’

I mean, Harper isn’t exactly the relationship type, is he? As far as I know, he’s never even been in one. He also deals exclusively in one-night stands and we’re definitely not that either. We’re teammates. We’re … friends, I think. But I don’t want to jump the gun and assume we’re anything else on top of that. Maybe like teammates ... with benefits.

‘Okay, baby bro. You don’t want to talk about it. I get that. We don’t need the dirty details.’ Like I was ever going to give her those! I’m not even planning to tell her his name. ‘But he makes you happy, does he?’ I nod. ‘Well, that’s all I need to know.’

And to my absolute surprise, she drops it for the rest of the meal.

Harper’s tucked up in bed when I get back. I knew he wouldn’t be out tonight considering we’re racing tomorrow, but I’m more than glad he’s here.

‘Hey, handsome.’ He’s got one eye cracked open, observing the way I’m lingering in the doorway and taking in every inch of him. His muscles ripple as he stretches out, like he’s trying to shake off some of the sleepiness he’s feeling. The duvet shifts and it reveals he’s wearing a pair of my gym shorts and nothing else.

I almost wish I wasn’t too tired to do anything other than sleep.

But we have to race tomorrow and it’s more important than ever that we put on a good performance for the home crowd. We also need to get back on top of the league for the Constructors’ Championship. In terms of fans and the media, support tomorrow will be immense – but so will the pressure.

‘Did you have a good evening?’ he asks as I begin to strip off my trousers, folding them neatly back over their hanger, before chucking my shirt into the laundry hamper we’re now sharing. If the lovely lady who manages our laundry services has noticed, she hasn’t said anything. At least, as far as I know.

‘The best, thank you.’ I slide into bed beside him and press a kiss to his bare shoulder. He snuggles into me automatically and I sling an arm over his waist, taking my place as the big spoon as per what’s become the norm for us. ‘The kids were both fast asleep after about half an hour of us being in the restaurant, so Elise and Grant and I got to catch up.’

‘Sounds perfect. What did you eat?’ I don’t know why I love that he wants to know details about the evening, but I really, really do.

‘They shared nachos, and then Elise crushed a massive burger and sweet potato fries. It had a hash brown and grilled pineapple on it. I was so jealous. Grant had steak, and Cassie had spag bol and ice cream. I could have hoovered up the lot, but I had grilled fish and an extra side of green veg instead. Chris would not have approved if I’d had a rib-eye and fries, and I’d be in trouble at the weigh-in tomorrow.’

Our nutritionist would never cuss us out for having a treat, but every gram makes a difference at the elite level, and our kit is specifically designed to meet the specifications for both minimum and optimal weight. The night before such an important race is not the time to be undisciplined. I’ve made so many sacrifices to get where I am, and this is hardly the worst. The time for a treat meal is right after a race so you have time to metabolise and digest it before it will affect your performance on the next circuit.

‘Sounds delicious. I Deliveroo’d a Turkish salad and FaceTimed Jo. We didn’t talk for long, though. I think his mind was elsewhere and it made it feel … weird. Awkward, somehow. He was obviously distracted and it felt like he couldn’t wait to get off the phone. I don’t know why he didn’t just say he was busy.’

‘Have you told him about us?’

After the conversation with Elise this evening, I suddenly really want to know the answer to this. If he were going to tell anyone, it would be Johannes.

‘No,’ he confirms, and a slither of disappointment drips down my spine. I don’t know why that hurts. I don’t want this to be on public display when I don’t even know what this is, but he tells Johannes everything. I’m not sure I want to be his dirty little secret.

‘Oh. Then maybe he’s just doing the same.’ I don’t mean to be cold, but I don’t know what else to say. Yet when he tugs my arm to pull me closer and squeezes my hand over his heart, I forget why I’m even annoyed.

I should just enjoy the moment, enjoy having him so close, enjoy the conversation that flows so easily between us since our truth-telling session back in Austria.

‘Maybe.’ He pulls my hand up to his lips and kisses each knuckle. ‘I know we should probably be asleep, but my brain just feels so awake right now.’

He’s started being honest with me too. It’s like … since then, since he talked about his shitty childhood, he lets himself be vulnerable with me. He trusts me with his real self and doesn’t need to hold anything back anymore.

‘You worrying about something in particular, or just pre-race jitters?’ I ask.

‘Just about Johannes, I think, and why he won’t talk to me about what’s going on with him and whoever”s occupying his attention.’

‘Maybe he’s not ready. Or maybe he knows you’re not exactly the world’s best relationship expert. Just keep trying, and be there for him when he’s ready.’

‘Yes, oh wise one.’ There’s a pause, and then he asks, ‘Did you tell your sister about us?’

‘No, well kinda, not about you, but like she knows me so well she could tell there was someone.’

‘Oh.’

‘Did you want me to?’ I ask. ‘You and I haven’t exactly talked about it, and I didn’t know whether you would?—’

‘No, no, I get it.’ It surprises me that he sounds hurt. ‘It’s not like we’re even sleeping together.’

I’m glad his back is to me so I can hide my wince.

‘We are literally sleeping together right now,’ I say.

But I know what he means. I don’t want to be just another guy he fucks and forgets, so we’ve fooled around but that’s it so far.

‘Speaking of which, can we sleep now?’

He nods, but as I hold him close to my chest, his fingers play with mine like he’s still mulling over his thoughts and it takes longer than I’d like for us to finally fall asleep.

Whatever was on his mind doesn’t affect his performance the next day, though, because we romp home in P1 and P3. Hendersohm is pleased, the fans are thrilled, and the UK is once again proud of its boys. And Elise and the kids were there to see me do it.

It’s a good day, a very good day.