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‘Oh shit,’ the words slip from my mouth as I scroll through my Instagram. Kian was fast asleep behind me, like the big spoon he loves to be, but my words must startle him and he tenses behind me.

‘Do I even wanna know?’ he grumbles, his voice thick and sleepy.

He doesn’t. He really doesn’t. I wish I could protect him from what’s to come, but there’s nothing I can do.

It’s the first intimate photo I’ve ever seen of us. It’s not like we’ve ever taken any selfies together or been papped on a date. Mainly because we’ve never been on one of those, my fault obviously.

Some absolute asshole must have either flown a drone over the garden during the wake, or taken pictures over the walls, because they have a selection of different photos of me and Kian outside the marquee. Hand in hand, hugging, and to make sure there’s no possible misinterpretation, there we are kissing.

It’s beyond disrespectful and I can’t even begin to think what the newspaper in question paid the soulless monster who took these photos.

It’s bittersweet, because we look so good together, but it was such a private moment that this feels like a real violation.

I know, the irony, coming from me.

‘What is it?’ He sits up, blinking sleep out of his eyes. I’d forgotten how adorable he is when he first wakes up.

I tilt my phone screen away so he doesn’t immediately see it, but I’ve promised no more running and hiding.

So, I turn inwards to look him in the eye and he’s picking at the seam of his duvet. ‘Yeah, so the cat’s out of the bag.’

‘Us?’

He’s clearly still half asleep as he tries to figure out what I mean.

I tip the screen towards him.

‘I’m so sorry, Kian.’

‘Why are you apologising? God, Harper, I don’t care about that. We both knew this was coming. Are you bothered because they’re speculating about what this means?’

He gestures to the one of us kissing.

‘Bothered? No. They’ve published way worse photos of me in the last couple years. But this outs us. You can’t unbreak an egg, you know? It’s obvious we’re…’ I don’t want to struggle to say the word together, but it’s not something that just rolls off of my tongue.

‘A couple?’

He laughs at me and I pinch the side of his belly.

‘I mean, we are a couple, right?’ he continues. ‘You’re my boyfriend, correct?’

‘Correct,’ I say. There, I’ve said it. Kind of.

‘Perfect, glad that’s solved. Makes it easier than one of us having to ask the other. I feel like I’m too old for that game.’

He pulls me back until we’re lying down together again, his arm outstretched so I can snuggle into him. Me. Snuggling. But it’s incredible. I’ve never felt so safe in my life. I want to stay here forever.

Except we can’t.

The season isn’t over yet and sooner rather than later we have to reunite with the team. We have to catch a flight to Japan and get back on the road again.

‘Do you want to call Anders or shall I?’ he asks.

‘You do it. He likes you better.’

‘Oh, I see how it is. You’re palming off the hard jobs on me already.’

‘Couples shoulder each other’s burdens right?’ That makes him laugh, exactly how I wanted him too.

‘Who made you such an expert in couple behaviour?’

I hit him with his pillow and he hits me back as we fall into the most childish pillow fight until it turns into kissing, and then fucking on top of a stack of fluffy pillows on the floor.

In the end, though, we still have to leave behind the cosy cottage to fly to Japan. I know it’s a tough goodbye for Kian when he would rather be here with his family.

We’re both also all too aware that once we grab our bags and step outside that door, everything changes. The bubble we’ve lived in for the last couple of days will burst and it’ll be back to real life. The promises we’ve both made mean nothing until they’ve been stress-tested in the field.

‘I love this place,’ I comment, taking one final look around. It’s so very Kian and I can’t believe he doesn’t spend more time here. ‘I’m not sure what your Norwich house is like, but I doubt it’s as lovely as this.’

‘Didn’t realise I was getting judged on my interior-decorating skills while we were having sex,’ he laughs.

‘It’s nothing to do with that. It just really suits you.’

I can imagine him pottering in the kitchen, making all his favourite meals, lounging in the small sitting area with the log burner roaring and a book in hand considering there’s not a TV in there. The bathroom is perfect with its big rainfall shower and wood-panelled walls, and then there’s the clawfoot tub in the corner.

Then his bedroom… I’ve never felt more at peace in a room. There is a zen in here I didn’t know you could create in just one room. The neutral colours with the one dark wall behind the bed give the cosiest vibe. It’s masculine but not aggressively so. I feel at home here too, which is weird because I’ve never felt at home anywhere. Maybe I just feel at home wherever Kian is.

Now it’s back to hotel rooms for the final cities on the circuit.

‘Well, it’s not going anywhere.’ And neither am I. The words are unspoken but they may as well have been because his meaning is loud and clear. He punctuates his statement with a kiss to the lips. It tastes of the promise that this is not the last time we’ll be here together.

* * *

I think about his words during the flight to Japan, over-analysing their meaning as he sleeps peacefully next to me. Will he want to spend the whole break here? Will he ask me to move in? Is it too early to be thinking about this?

I’m still mulling over every possibility when we land.

We probably should have thought about the chaos of landing in Japan, because we get absolutely hounded at the airport. There are still floaters in my eyes from the avalanche of flash photography and journalists screaming questions at us – some curious and speculative, some gross and inappropriate.

‘Christ,’ he breathes out as we slide into the backseat of the car.

‘Yup. That was…’

I slip my hand across the middle of the seat and take his hand as the car pulls out of the short-stay car park, heading to the hotel.

Whilst Anna couldn’t be there to meet us at the airport, she had sent us a bunch of texts reminding us to ignore everything thrown at us and say ‘no comment’ till we’re blue in the face. Those media sessions would probably have come in handy right about now.

I feel like we could both use a nap in our hotel room, maybe a light workout to ease us back into everything, but no. The second we’re back at the hotel we’re being pulled into a ‘Relationship Strategy Meeting’. Because of course there needs to be a strategy meeting about our relationship.

Relationship.

I’ve barely been in one for forty-eight hours and I’m having a meeting about it with my boss.

Completely normal.

Completely fucking normal.

‘For a second, I thought we were going to be steamrolled by the crowds. We should probably talk to our agents about temporarily having some more security until the hype dies down,’ Kian says.

I agree with a nod. I don’t want us to have to hide, but we still need to focus on the races that are coming up and Kian still needs privacy to grieve and handle everything else that’s going on around him.

Him being further protected will give me more peace of mind.

We’re shielded under big golf umbrellas as we step out of our car from the airport, and are bundled straight into the conference room of the hotel we’re staying in for the next two weeks.

Anders is immediately out of his seat, tugging Kian into a hug. For a moment I just watch from the hallway. This team is Anders’s baby. It might not belong to him as such, but he’s the one who built it from the ground up. It’s a newer team in the sport and Kian’s been part of it for most of that time. So the scene playing out in front of me makes sense.

I’m glad Kian has Anders. I noticed there was no mention of his actual father during his mum’s funeral. I’m glad he did what I told him and stayed away. Weird how I used to idolise Tyler Heath. Since I’ve got to know Kian, I know they couldn’t be more different. If you’d asked me at the beginning of the season, I’d have said I admired Tyler’s fearless style and his desire to squeeze every drop of pleasure out of life. I’d also have said – and I believe I did actually say – that Kian is a boring bastard. But the thing is, I’ve slowly, gradually, little by little, come to admire what Kian brings to the sport far more. He’s dedicated, patient, reliable and I’ve never met anyone who works harder. He gets results because he’s brilliant; he earns his wins. Tyler got results because he was talented and because he was lucky … and then he threw it all away, like I nearly did, because he didn’t understand that you need strength of character to race, not just personality.

I give Anders and Kian a minute to hug it out before cockily clearing my throat.

‘I’m back too, you know?’

They both laugh, but Anders claps me on the shoulders in a version of the same welcome. ‘Back to being a pain in my ass.’

There’s a second of awkward silence while Anders undoubtedly wishes he’d chosen a different expression, but then everyone laughs and I can’t help myself.

‘I mean, actually that’s only something I provide to––’

Kian slaps a hand over my mouth before I can say anything that’s going to get me in trouble. It doesn’t stop me licking the palm of his hand, though, before he guides us to our seats.

‘Let’s get your agents dialled into this meeting, and in the meantime, I just want to check in with you both. The last week has obviously been a lot to handle and your brains must be scrambled. The schedule here in Japan can be reduced as much as you both need, but I would love to have you both on the track this weekend.’

It’s more than I expected and I can’t even begin to explain why I want to bawl like a baby right now. It almost makes me uncomfortable and Kian must sense it as I shift in the seat next to him, because he takes my hand and rests it trapped in his on my thigh.

‘I’m ready to race. I’d appreciate it if we could limit some of the pre-race press calls, just so we can focus on performance,’ Kian says.

‘Of course. If you’re sure? We can send London out again if we have to.’ I don’t know why I’m shocked that Anders is trying to give Kian an out. Any other team principal would be pressuring him to get back out there and win. If we’re to stay competitive in the Constructors’ Championship, Hendersohm needs both of us back out there to make it happen.

‘Very. Mum wouldn’t want me to throw the season away. She’d want me to finish it in style. There’s no chance of the championship-points record now, but I’m still just about top of the Drivers’ Championship and I want to stay there, and that doesn’t happen if I don’t drive.’

‘Well, that’s very good to hear. Just keep us in the loop if anything changes,’ Anders replies. ‘Now, the other thing…’

‘Us being … together?’ I say. I’m trying to show Kian that I meant what I said, and that I won’t let him down again.

‘Exactly that. It goes without saying that you have mine and Hendersohm’s full support, and if anyone in the garage or the wider team has a problem with it, they’ll answer to me.’

Anders is firm with his words, and I appreciate his clear, no-nonsense approach. Maybe it’s because he has a gay son or maybe because he genuinely cares, who knows. It hardly matters when he’s creating a good atmosphere for us in the team.

‘We just need to discuss how this is going to play out so Anna can stop freaking out about a PR strategy now that the pictures are all over social media. There’s some work we need to do with the sponsors as well, but that’s not your responsibility, so don’t worry about it.’

‘We aren’t looking to hide,’ I quickly confirm. ‘That’s not what we want, but we also understand that there are competing pressures. We’re going to Qatar next, and then there’s Abu Dhabi at the end of the season, and that will present its own challenges.’

‘Okay then.’ Anders claps his hands. ‘Let’s properly put Hendersohm on the map. How do we feel about doing the double and bringing home both the Drivers’ and Constructors’ Championships this season? Anna, do you want to start with a summary of our key points?’

And just like that, Kian and I are a couple. And everyone knows.