Page 31

This is it.

No one, except Elise, knows that this will be the last race of my career.

The top of the table is so tight that if I don’t come first today, I don’t come first overall. Missing the Singapore Grand Prix dramatically reduced my lead, and the top contenders are bunched together now. I want to retain my title. I want to be World Champion one last time. I want that trophy I promised Cassie.

I also want Harper to see me win. I know it’s stupid, but I want to be amazing for him. I want him to be proud of me. We’ve been inseparable since Mum’s funeral. The team has continued to book us separate hotel rooms, and we do make some use of them. We stayed apart while in Qatar and Abu Dhabi, for obvious reasons, but everywhere else we’ve basically been living together.

We keep it professional when we’re in the garage, or training, or in meetings.

‘Like William and Kate,’ Harper joked when I told him that we needed to agree on our PDA boundaries. I don’t know that it’s quite the same thing, but I have no problem with him comparing our relationship to the romantic royals. We’re a couple, but we’re also at work a lot of the time – the Hendersohm team is more than just its two drivers, and we have to respect that. We’re also still competing against each other, and it’s just easier if we keep work and home separate.

I realise that there’s a deal of irony that this is how we’re finishing up the season – making sure that we remember that we have personal goals outside of how we operate as a team.

I’m just beyond thankful for him right now, because whilst I’m undeniably anxious about where I finish on the podium, he’s a calming presence. He never overthinks things, and I could use a bit of that attitude today.

If I hadn’t missed Singapore or had that crash in Italy, I’d already be guaranteed the win based on accumulated points. But that’s not how things worked out, so here we are. Yorris has a chance, as does the older Swede, and if all hell breaks loose then there are a few others who could challenge for the top spot.

No pressure, huh?

Maybe I’ll feel better if I talk to Harper about it, I think, and then he can help me not overthink it. I can’t afford a single mistake, after all.

I know I pick a terrible moment to have the conversation – just an hour before we climb into our cockpits – but he seems to be pretty much bombproof when it comes to being able to focus during a race.

‘This is it,’ I say, the words feeling thick and heavy on my tongue as I truly come to terms with my decision.

‘I know, baby. Last race. Can’t believe that this is the end of my first season.’

‘No, I mean, this is it. This is my last race,’ I say, hoping he’ll finally get the point.

‘What?’ His eyes widen.

I didn’t think this was going to come as such a shock to him, considering how much speculation there’s been, but I’ve well and truly caught him off-guard.

‘My last race ever. I’m ready to retire.’

For a second he’s nothing but silent and then he’s pulling me into the hardest, tightest hug I’ve ever had. He practically squeezes all of the air out of me in one big whoosh, but his hands cling to the back of my T-shirt, and in this moment I’m not sure who needs this hug more.

Tears bristle at the backs of my eyes but it’s okay because we’re together and at this point that’s what’s important.

‘I can’t believe it,’ he snuffles. ‘I don’t know why it’s hitting me so hard, but you’ve been my hero on the track for so many years, and then we ended up on the same team, and now you’re my boyfriend, and I just wasn’t expecting it to be over so quickly.’ He chokes down the last few words and he pulls away to look at me properly, almost as if he’s making sure I’m serious.

‘You do realise I’m not breaking up with you, right?’ He chuckles – he’s got such a great smile. ‘You don’t need me here to be great – you know that, don’t you?’

‘I just thought, I don’t know, that we’d get another season together. It would have been nice. I don’t know what’s happening with Elijah, but I thought…’

‘Yeah, it would have been nice, but I’m done. I’m tired and I don’t know how much more my body can take. I want to go home. I want to be near my sister and the kids. I want to live in the cottage on Mum’s land and maybe get some chickens or a few goats. I’m ready for some peace.’

‘I don’t think getting farm animals is going to bring you much peace,’ he says with a laugh, but a choked sob in the back of his throat comes out, too.

I don’t know if the worry lines that crease his forehead are because he’s not sure where he fits into this, or because he doesn’t understand why I’m doing this, but I want to reassure him anyway.

‘I’m not sure what your plans are for the next three months, but do you fancy coming to live in the cottage for a few months? It’ll be Christmas soon and we can decorate and have log fires and wrap presents together…’

He tenses and I squeeze his hand.

‘You sure?’

‘More than anything. So what do you think? Do you want to move in with me?’

‘Yes, I’d love to. Move in, that is. I’m not sure about goats and chickens but one step at a time, right?’

‘Guess I should probably drop my agent a text and tell Anders I’m leaving, too.’ Probably should have done it when I decided, but I really want to get through the race today without anyone knowing so people don’t make a big deal out of it. I’m putting enough pressure on myself as it is to make this the big finale.

‘They don’t know?’

I shake my head. ‘I’ve only told Elise so far and that was a lot to do with me wanting to move back into the cottage. It shares land with Mums house and Elise’s, although, Elise hasn’t moved back out there yet and I have a feeling she isn’t going to.’

I’d thought after Mum had passed she’d want to return back to the home her and Grant had started to build, because Mum”s place might hold too many bad memories. But she seems so content there, like it’s keeping her close to Mum even though she’s gone.

‘Bloody hell, motor racing is about to be a whole other world,’ he says, before resting his head on my shoulders.

I don’t think that’ll be the case at all, I’m just one small moving part. But it’s nice I’m at least a bit of a legend in my boyfriend’s eyes. That’s what is important.

He waits outside Anders’s office as I go in, my agents on speaker as I let them both know. I’ve probably chosen the best time to do it because we’re so close to race time neither of them have a chance to quiz me about it being the right decision or to convince me to stay.

More than anything, they both seem to have been expecting it anyway so I’ll take that as a win as I step out of the office unscathed.

‘One step at a time. So, we should, uh, probably go out there and win this then?’ I say.

‘Absolutely,’ Harper replies as we get our gear on and then head towards our separate cars.

For once, Elise, Grant and the kids are here. I wanted them to be here to see me. I had to tell Elise it would be my last race ever in order to persuade her to come, and I know she’ll be anxious for me, but it wouldn’t be the same without her. Cassie’s made a sign and she’s waving it furiously, hooting and hollering in the friends-and-family section. I blow my niece a kiss and wave to Elise; it’s all I need to feel geared up to go one final time.

* * *

For so much of the race it feels like it could go either way. I lead, then Yorris leads, and then I lead again. Yorris has clearly decided he’s going for it, too, and as Cole confirms it’s ten laps to go, I still can’t find a way around Yorris. He’s maximising his speed on every bit of straight and the second we get to a bend or corner he’s so central in the track I can’t get round him. It’s aggressive driving and I can feel how much he wants my title.

Until we arrive at the penultimate lap. I’m running out of chances, and we both know it. And then, perhaps it’s the magnitude of the occasion, or perhaps he loses focus for a split second, but on a tight bend he’s gravitating so close to the edge that a gap appears beside him. It’s the moment I’ve been waiting for.

It’s time to be bold. One last time. It’s time to risk everything.

‘Cole, I’m going for it. If it doesn’t pay off, then?—’

‘Go, Kian. Go! Go now!’

In a snap decision, I swerve out from behind Yorris and blast past him in a slick manoeuvre that forces all other thoughts from my head. It’s a massive risk because he could clip me as I pull around but he doesn’t.

‘Yes, Kian, yes! That’s it!’ Cole is shrieking in my ear.

And I’ve done it. I’ve taken the lead. I only have to hold it for one more lap and then I’ll have done it.

Hold your nerve, Walker. Hold your nerve, man.

I think about all the people who are cheering me on and willing me to this victory. Mum, Elise, Cassie. Harper. I’m so lucky. How did I get so lucky?

Time starts to slow down and I picture a crackling fire in the log burner, and Harper beside me on the sofa, the cottage decorated for Christmas. Maybe a cat.

This is so not the time for overthinking. Last push, and then I can fantasise all I like.

Cole is screaming in my ear, ‘Go, go, go! Fuck yeah! Go!’

I see it now, the finish line, the sum of all my ambitions.

‘Harper’s up your ass, man!

What?!

‘Harper’s got P2. Go, go!’

Cole’s going crazy now because Harper’s right behind me, and I think it’d be just like the cheeky twat to take me on the line. I won’t give him the satisfaction, though. I want a clear win so he can never claim he handed it to me, and as I cross the finish line in P1 I know I’ve done it.

I’ve done it.

My final World Championship.

My last race.

I’m screaming into the mic because I know Harper’s done his job, too, which means we’ve got the Constructors’ Championship as well. It’s the most incredible high I’ve ever experienced. Sheer and utter joy envelop me as I pull into my spot and let the technicians help me out.

The second we’re both out of our cars, Harper and I are running towards each other and he jumps at me so I’m holding him in a bear hug that lifts him off the ground.

‘We did it,’ he whispers against my ear. Tears in his eyes.

‘We did it,’ I repeat, before lowering him to the ground so we can be pulled into congratulatory hugs by every single member of the Hendersohm team.

We’ve just given them the best result of the team’s history, so of course everyone’s screaming, crying, embracing and generally going nuts. They’re all about to get the biggest bonus ever.

Before we know it, we’re on the podium and I know that nothing will ever come close to this feeling. With Harper by my side, I always feel on top of the world, and this podium just proves it.

I can’t think of a better way to be going out.