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Nothing can prepare you for a final goodbye.

Not all the grief counselling in the world or knowing in advance that the end is coming for your loved one. They’ve already left the world, but this is the last time you’ll get to be in the same room as them before you subject them to ground.

We decided to have a small, private funeral without celebrities from Mum’s career or big crowds. It feels like what she would have wanted. She left that world behind a long time ago, and neither Elise nor I want to be subjected to the glare of the media.

I watch my sister and her little family as they get ready, and I envy what they have on a day like today. I know my twin is there for me, but it’s not the same. I see the loving touches and comforting looks that she shares with Grant, and I know that I want that for myself, too.

As they walk ahead of me into the church, a wave of profound sadness washes over me.

If only…

‘Hey.’

His voice startles me, but I know immediately who it belongs to.

I turn and there he is. It’s like I dreamed him into existence. He looks so good in his black suit and I am too stunned at first to say anything.

‘Is it okay that I’m here?’ he asks, uncertainly. ‘I’m really sorry about…’

I don’t know whether he’s offering his condolences or apologising for being a prick back in Singapore, but right now I don’t care.

I nod, and when he opens his arms to me I walk into his embrace. I can’t believe he’s really here.

‘How…?’

‘I asked Anders to arrange it, and I got the details from your sister.’

I pull back from the hug and look at him in shock. Then I turn and see Elise looking back at us with a small smile. Of course my sister was involved in this. She shrugs and tilts her head, as if to say, what did you expect? then continues into the church.

‘Thank you for being here,’ is all I can manage.

He squeezes my fingers, and I look down to where he’s still holding my hand in his, and then I meet his gaze again, a silent question floating between us.

‘Is it okay…?’ he asks again.

Yes, Harper’s hand is in mine and I don’t want to let go. I’m not going to let go.

‘It’s okay,’ I reply.

Now is not the time to ask him what any of this means. He’s here, and I don’t feel so alone anymore. We walk together into the church and I don’t care who sees us or what they may be thinking. Today is about saying goodbye to Mum. Everything else can wait.

* * *

The service is beautiful.

I think it’s what Mum would have wanted. Her oldest friend and one of her sisters did readings, and her former agent spoke very movingly about her career in a way I think she would have really liked.

And then Elise gets up and makes her way to the podium.

My sister is so brave to get up there and speak. I’m struggling to keep it together just sitting in the pew, never mind trying to speak publicly about the person who raised us single-handedly, who loved us and encouraged us, who shaped us and?—

I swallow the lump in my throat.

But, of course, Elise is prepared. She’s has the eulogy printed onto little cue cards and holds back her tears just enough to speak clearly and movingly to the assembled mourners.

She tells tales of Mum’s younger days, how she shot to fame and then raised us for the first couple of years on a series of tour buses and private jets. She even extracts some laughs from Mum’s closer friends about the wilder times of her teens and twenties. She speaks on behalf of both of us about the kind of mother she was, and the things we will remember most about her.

It’s perfect. No one could have done it better.

And I would be a wreck if it weren’t for Harper, who never lets go of my hand. He’s an absolute rock. He’s everything I need him to be on the hardest of days.

And then it’s all over. Just like that it’s time to say our final goodbyes.

Elise squeezes my other hand and I know we are both silently sending Mum on her way.

We walk out for a final time behind the coffin, hand in hand, only Elise, Grant and the kids in front of us.

The celebrant moves through the formalities and then, finally, Mum is lowered into the ground, and the only thing holding me up is Harper. His touch keeping me grounded, stopping me from losing it completely. Grant leads the kids away after he lets his rose fall on top of the casket. The rest of the mourners following suit until we can hardly see her anymore. Eventually, it’s just the three of us at the graveside.

‘Do you, uh, want me to give you two a moment?’ Harper asks, hand still gripping mine as he offers me and Elise some space.

Yet I’m shaking my head. I can’t do this without him.

‘Shit, I’m not doing this right, am I?’ Elise walks round to link her arm through my free one.

‘I don’t think Mum would expect any less, she always had such a potty mouth even when we were kids,’ she says and it’s like at that point we’re all holding each other up.

‘Love you, Mum. So much.’ There’s nothing else I can croak out. This is it. The second I throw in my own rose and walk away the ground will be filled and there won’t be any other moments.

I know I can come back and visit the grave, but nothing will be the same.

‘Me too, Mum. Love you forever.’ Stepping forwards arm in arm we both drop in our roses and step away from the grave.

Grant is waiting, arm outstretched to catch Elise as she chokes down sobs and I’m standing strong with Harper’s hand in mine.

‘Goodbye, Mum,’ I whisper finally, leaving her to rest in peace.

* * *

The wake we host after the service has a different vibe entirely.

The list of celebrities is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. The press would have a field day if they got a whiff of the names currently inside a large white tent in our garden. It’s overwhelming how many people loved Mum, and both Elise and I enjoy hearing increasingly tall tales from Mum’s life and career. It feels like everyone is trying to outdo each other with their stories and I am absolutely here for it. I’m glad this bit feels more like a party.

I spend some time chatting with Mum’s sisters. They’ve both been in and out of my life since I was a kid and are still travelling the world as back-up singers to some of the most famous names in the industry.

They coo over Cassie and Jesse and try to dig around in my life, asking if I’m planning to have any kids in the near future, but I brush that off with excuses that involve my hectic schedule and how much time I spend on the road.

It’s all smooth until Harper joins the conversation, putting a comforting hand on the small of my back. Then the pair go wild.

‘Introduce us, please,’ Aunt Judith says, curious eyes dancing between the two of us.

‘Judith, Angie, this is Harper James. Hendersohm’s second driver and my, um, my … man friend.’ The pair snicker, and Harper joins in with them like he’s in on the joke, while I only want the ground to swallow me up.

Man. Friend.

Brilliant. I will never live this down. Ever.

‘Well, don’t be knocking this one up. He’s having a great rookie season, and we need to see more of him next year,’ Angie says, smirking at me. Because of course she knows exactly who Harper is. She’s always loved motor sport. She’s actually the one who introduced my parents way back in the day.

‘Don’t worry, we’re waiting for marriage,’ Harper replies.

My knees lock on instinct to stop my jelly legs from plummeting me to the floor. Did he just say marriage? Where did the commitment-phobe go?

He keeps my aunts entertained while I take a second to step outside the marquee to collect myself. I’m having an out-of-body experience that isn’t entirely down to the fact that this is my mother’s funeral.

Unfortunately, the cold air only wakes my mind up even more to what he said. He might have been joking, but no one, not even Harper, is glib enough to throw around that word when they know the other person cares so much. Too much.

Would he even want that? I just didn’t see him being the kind who would want to legally sign up to forever with someone. No matter how much I wanted … want … to hope that could be our future.

Harper finds me not long after, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me in close.

I’m so confused. It’s hardly the time, but it feels like there’s an elephant in the room.

‘That picture…’ I say.

‘It was nothing. I promise, it was nothing. I was doing what I always do; being an absolute wanker because you bloody scare the life out of me. You’ve gotta remember, I’m totally new to all this romantic bullshit. I’m a one-night, one-time guy and then you went and took over my whole brain and heart.’

His heart? Are we really about to have our first relationship moment at my mum’s wake? It feels weird and highly inappropriate.

‘I can’t keep doing this, Harper. I was crushed, and it feels like you’re playing a game. Every time I’m done and try to move on, you come running back and find a way to hook me again.’

‘I know it seems like that, but that’s not my intention. I care about you so much, and I’m trying to work through all my issues in therapy, but it’s gonna take time. Can you give me time?’

I sigh and take a deep breath. I remember Elise’s words about what Mum would say. Maybe this is the perfect setting for this conversation after all.

‘If we’re going to do this,’ I finally say, ‘there needs to be some boundaries, and the first big one is that we are exclusive. You’re mine if you want to be, but that’s it. No one else.’

‘Kian,’ he says seriously, ‘I don’t want anyone other than you. I haven’t for a while. It’s a defence mechanism when I get freaked out, and then I panic and push you away because I’m afraid that you’ll get bored and leave me and it will hurt so bloody much, but I promise you, I only want you.’

‘Why couldn’t you have just said all of this a month ago, I can’t even imagine how happy we’d be right now.’

‘Because I don’t know how to do this!’ he says. ‘And because I’m an idiot, obviously.’ It’s the most honest he’s ever been with me.

‘We’ve already been doing it. We just need to tidy up the edges a little.’

‘Yeah, I guess.’

‘Tidying up isn’t exactly your strongpoint, I know.’

‘Get lost,’ he says, laughing, and thumps me on the shoulder. ‘Can I kiss you now?’

It feels like heaven to be holding him and kissing him, today of all days. I don’t know how I would have got through this without him. I think Mum would approve, and that feels good.

He pulls back and says, ‘While this is great and all, I don’t think it’s appropriate to go back in there with a hard-on, so maybe we can press pause for now?’

‘Well that’s a first. I could get used to responsible Harper…’ I tease.

‘Well, responsible Harper is also wondering when you think we should tell Anders, because you know he’ll shit bricks if he finds out on social media…’

Wow, that really is a first.