Page 56 of Poison Apple Crisp

“Not me,” Evie is quick to assert. “I’m happy either way. I’m still going to be a big sister.”

Mayor Nash nods. “And I’m still going to be a grandpa.”

“What’s that?” I couldn’t help it. He all but startled me with the proclamation.

A group of scantily clad waitresses in short uniforms that hardly cover their buns of steel come over to take our orders, and I can’t help but make a face. They look more like naughty French maids than they do a reputable waitstaff. Ten bucks says this army of granite bottoms have been spending their early morning hours on Hot Hannah’s front lawn. It wouldn’t surprise me. In fact, not a lot would surprise me anymore.

I note Carlotta making wild eyes at Evie from across the table and pointing to the waitress next to her.

“The uniforms,” she all but mouths.

Evie nods her head. “I know, right? They’re like perfect.”

“Perfect for what?” I ask as I look her way.

Carlotta slaps her hand over the table. “Miranda, don’t you have another steamy read coming out next month?”

“I sure do,” My mother trills.

Eliza leans her way with a look of intrigue. “Where do you get your inspiration for these tawdry tails?”

Mom chortles as she pulls Wiley in by the arm.

“I can thank this man right here for every moan-worthy move in my novels.” Her smile expands as she looks to each of us held captive at the table. “I can assure you every move has been tried and tested.” She gives a little wink. “Don’t try this at home, kids.” She giggles.

Eliza’s expression sours. “Well, if that wily fox had anything to do with it, I’m afraid I can’t read it.”

Wiley grunts. “I always knew you’d hold a grudge the longest.”

“That’s because you stole the most from me,” she’s quick to counter. And I must admit, it’s a good comeback.

Now it’s Evie tittering away at the end of the table while snapping candid pictures of us all. As she should. I’ll frame them and give them to Noah and Everett for Christmas, and maybe that will stop this dumpster fire from repeating itself.

“Come now.” Suze pulls a stack of papers out of her purse and hands them to Everett. “Please go over these in detail.”

“Sure.” Everett takes them from her apprehensively.

That’s what he gets.Homeworkon what was supposed to be a fun sightseeing adventure that involved twice-baked potatoes and maybe some sexy time in the caboose.

“Mom?” Noah nods her way. “What’s this about?”

Suze folds her hands together, and judging by that vindictive smile flickering to life on her face, she’s about to throw this mad dinner party into the deep end of the rabbit hole.

“I had my lawyers draw up a boilerplate custody agreement. Of course, I care about your wellbeing, too, Essex. Feel free to tack your name right under Noah’s.”

The fact Suze just called Everett by his sexier moniker means nothing. Her usage falls in line with that of Eliza and Everett’s sister. Although to be fair, I’ve heard Suze swing both ways with his moniker. She’s clearly in rare—or more to the point,typicalform tonight.

Mom moans. “Oh, come on. Dinner is almost here. Do we really have to talk about all the ins and outs of this sweet baby’s future right now?”

Noah snatches the papers from Everett’s hands. “No, we don’t have to do this right now. In fact, we don’t ever have to do this.”

“I agree,” Everett says. “Noah and I have come to the conclusion we’re going to love this child no matter who the father might be.”

“Aww,” Mom and Carlotta coo at once.

“See there?” Mom touches her hand to her heart. “It’s all going to work out just fine.”

“It will,” I say, although it comes out a heck of a lot less convincing.