Page 49 of Petals of Blue, Part One (Wilted Duet #1)

Forty-Four

ROMAN

No matter how many reps I do, I cannot center myself. I'm aware it has everything to do with a certain Bennett woman. She's everything, and I feel like nothing.

I'm not worthy of Blue and I don't know if I ever will be. The selfish, bone-deep need to prove myself to her just so I might be able to get the scraps has been a struggle.

There's never been a competition between me and the guys when it comes to Blue. We've always been on even ground probably because we're all so different. Jared and Declan may be outgoing, funny free spirits, but at their core they are amazing individuals.

Rep after rep, my mind continues to twist itself into a self-deprecating knot I fear will always linger in my mind. Even if I—we—get the girl, I bet I'll always feel like a failure. Because I am. I failed the girl I loved when she needed me.

I may not know what happened after we stopped replying, but the trauma cues are there. How do I battle the past that seems to haunt her? Especially when I'm one of her demons.

"You'll never push that with so much on your mind." Levi's voice jolts me out of my thoughts and racking the bar in front of me. His smirk dies when I look at him. "What's wrong, man? You've been off all week."

It's true. Ever since our dinner/movie night last week, I've been antsy. Blue's been a bit distant since then, and it's making me anxious. Is she regretting what we all did?

"Nothing," I force out and actually look at the weight I added to the bar for the first time. Two hundred fifty pounds. I can do it, but my long arms will make it a bit harder.

"Blue giving you a run for your money, huh?"

Honestly, I had already forgotten Levi was standing by the bench. "Yep." I debate taking ten pounds off to be safe, but I need to feel some kind of fucking accomplishment this week.

"Leave it," Levi demands and moves around the back. Gesturing for me to take my position to bench press, he waits. "I'll spot. You focus."

"It's hard to fucking focus when everything I do is probably wrong," I snap.

Levi doesn't miss a beat. "When I first met Blue, she avoided any and all kinds of friendships. That woman was just getting through each day trying to give Violet the best one possible."

I cross my arms, feeling defensive and a little annoyed that Levi didn't take the bait. I'm itching for a fight which isn't like me. Goddamn it, she has me all bent out of shape.

He doesn't look at me when he's talking, instead focusing on a distant memory over my shoulder. "I thought her cool personality was alluring. We hooked up a few times—"

I stiffen and immediately start sweating like hellfire is about to leak from my glare and incinerate Levi on the fucking spot. "WHAT?!"

"Calm down. We never had sex." Levi waves me off like I didn't just learn that my friend had a sexual relationship with my woman. "She was the last woman I was with, and not because she was bad. Fuck she was amazing."

This son of a motherfucking—

"Blue challenged me. Asked me the questions I didn't know to ask myself about preferences...my sexuality. Blue became one of my best friends because she was a key person in my self-discovery. I love her. She's my family and the reason I'm married to Kevin."

There's a wistful look on Levi's face that I can’t help but take into account. Plus, his words are thoughtful and all-encompassing of the woman Blue has grown into. In some sick way, considering my own feelings, I'm glad Levi had Blue to help him.

"What I'm trying to say..." Levi pulls me from the war that’s raging in my head. "Blue spent so many years thinking about everyone else. That was her coping mechanism. Me, Janine, and the others all work so hard to encourage Blue to have her own voice."

"She would rather make everyone else happy..." I ponder out loud, not enjoying how those words feel coming out of my mouth.

"Because then they won't leave," Levi finishes my statement with a heartbreaking truth I didn't even think of. "Roman, Blue is still learning how to be happy."

I frown thinking about all the great stuff she does and her new job. "I thought she was, though."

Levi gives me a sad smile. "She did too until you four wiggled your way into her life and showed her she could have more. But only if she accepts all the hurt in the past and moves on."

My forehead aches with the depth of my frown. I feel like Levi's talking in riddles, but maybe it all makes sense in a complicated, messy, beautiful way.

"Blue's figuring out how to allow more into her life. She grew up with less and built herself a life giving to others. She'll figure out that taking isn't a bad thing, and that she is worthy of love."

My heart cracks and bleeds. Of course I've thought of what wounds she may carry after her childhood and young adult years, but hearing someone else's observation who is much closer to her than I am right now is painful.

It's sharp like an ice cube slicing down my throat, forcing me to process the chill and wait for it to be warm enough to digest.

The thing is, I don't think I'll ever be able to digest the death of Erica Bennett. But watching the evolution of Blue will be, without a doubt, the highlight of my life.

"Love the determined look," Levi interrupts my epiphany like the ass he is. He points to the bench and bar. "Now lie down and give me three."

Amped up and ready to take on the world, I bench press two hundred fifty pounds two and a half times—Levi helped the last one—but you know what, that's absolutely a win.