Page 46 of Petals of Blue, Part One (Wilted Duet #1)

Forty-One

BLUE

My mind is a mess. I've been struggling to rein in my train of thought for days, and nothing's working. Bethany suggested I meditate, but there's something about meditation that raises the hell out of my anxiety.

Cleaning and listening to Linkin Park is the closest I've gotten to peace. Then Violet shows her pale face, making me worry all over again. I don't know what the hell is going on with her, and I most certainly have no idea how to find out.

I've asked all the normal parent questions like, are you okay, is someone bothering you, do you need to tell me anything? She gives me short answers and comes back later acting like everything is normal.

There's something going on, and my gut is screaming at me to figure it out. To fix it. Yet, my brain is telling me Violet needs space to figure it out on her own. She's a legal adult. It's time to let her catch herself sometimes.

I fucking hate it.

How do I manage this? I'm basically a single mom with adjusted boundaries and expectations because I'm not actually her mom.

After seeing Jared's parents the other night, I'm dying to ask Jared for his mom's phone number. I need advice from a mother who loves with her whole heart.

When I was sharing a bottle of wine with Beth by her gas fire pit, the last person I expected to see was Nichole. She looked so guilty and sad that I didn't hesitate to hug her.

We were friends before I realized who she was related to—we still are. I apologized for avoiding her because in no way is any of this her fault. I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm the worst sometimes.

Then Clara, Jared's wonderful mother, gasped and rushed toward me. She called me beautiful, but I couldn't help wondering what she truly thought of me. And as much as it hurt, that made me wonder what my own mom would think of me if she were still alive.

There was so much sorrow and excitement over seeing Jared's parents that it wasn't until after they left that I began questioning things. Like why didn't they reach out to me if they were worried about me like they said they were?

I did find out from Clara that the guys never told them anything. Basically, just that we weren't friends anymore. But still my feelings are hurt, which seems unfair to put on them.

Clara and Derrick were put in an odd position when their son minimized what happened, so why would they ask for my phone number and check on me?

Would I do the same thing with Violet's friends? Actually...have I?!

I can't fight the groan that slips free as I rub my eyes. This is what I'm talking about. My brain goes off on random ass tangents which feel important but aren’t in the moment.

The pressure behind my eyes and into more forehead builds as I try to rub away the ache. There's too much going on.

"Blue..." A soft touch tickles my bare elbow, sending shivers across my skin. "Come sit down, babe." Declan's voice is so soft tears spring to my eyes.

I don't even check the counter for the latte I've been waiting on. Instead, I follow Declan blindly to a cozy booth and slide in. The weight of everything settles on my chest, making it hard to breathe. Stress.

Declan's saying something, but all I can focus on is the coffee cup he slides in front of me. He's being so nice.

Do I deserve this kindness? Am I making life harder for everyone?

More voices join, but I'm already spiraling like I have been for days.

Roman, Declan, Jared, and Felix hurt me. They hurt me. Their impact on my life was worse than Aunt Linda's abusive boyfriends. How can I forgive that?

Do I plan to? If I don't even after all the effort they're putting in to make things right between us, does that make me selfish?

I am definitely making shit harder for everyone, and it makes me feel like a hypocrite. How can I continue to punish them when I know how much it hurts to be made to feel like you aren't enough?

Everything they've been doing...Has it been enough?

My belly twists uncomfortably. Will their efforts ever be enough to outweigh the pain they caused?

How am I supposed to decide that, though?! The unfairness of my predicament makes me angry and irrational.

They ghosted me. They left me when I needed them. Why in the hell is it up to me to make this decision? It feels like for my entire life, everything has been on me.

This is just another fucking decision I have to make. I want to scream at them and tell them to fuck off, but those are my scars talking. I’d rather forgive them and collapse into a puddle of tears in their arms because my heart feels like she deserves their love.

My mind questions whether I can trust their affection and loyalty. Ugh, that word is so fucking tainted now.

And my soul? She's weary and tired. There are too many voices and feelings tugging me every which way.

How am I supposed to decide? What am I supposed to decide? If they've redeemed themselves? If they've grown enough? Do I believe they're redeemable? Maybe the answers aren't factual but personal. What if...what if instead of judging them and their actions, I focus inward and assess my feelings?

"Blue Bennett, you're scaring the shit out of us."

I blink. Felix's sharp tone snaps me out of my epiphany. I'm shocked to see Jared and Declan sitting on the other side of the booth with worried expressions. Roman's beside me, his thigh almost touching mine. And Felix has his fists braced on the table, glaring down at me.

Licking my lips, I fidget nervously. What is wrong with me? "Sorry, what did you say?"

"Is everything okay?" Felix grits out, looking like he wants to say more, but Declan's soft touch on his hand calms him.

My initial reaction is to nod, but there's no way the guys will let me off the hook if I brush it off.

Sighing, I tuck my hair over one shoulder.

"I'm stressed. Work is changing, which is great, but still a lot.

You guys are everywhere." I gesture to the current setting.

I'm not even quite sure why they're all here.

A bit ago, I had come down to Declan's café for a latte, and suddenly they're all here?

Roman lays his hand on my thigh, the heat warming me to my core. "You walked in while we were here having breakfast."

"Oh..." I gulp, wondering what they must think about my obvious issues this morning. "Well, anyway. Violet's been acting strange for a few weeks now, and I don't know how to help her."

"Weird how?" Jared asks.

"Closed off, jumpy, defensive..." I list, but I'm unable to fully explain the feeling I have that something is going on.

Declan opens his mouth and snaps it shut. "What?" I ask, wanting any kind of advice.

Dec shakes his head. "I was going to ask if you've looked through her phone, then I remembered she's an adult and that would be weird."

My shoulders slump. Fuck. I'd love to, but not only would that be horribly wrong, I also don't think I want to know what's on there.

Half a thought forms that would be best not to say, but the scars are talking now. "So, I think it's best if..." I trail off. Felix narrows his eyes at me, making me cringe a little, but I keep going. "I think it's best if we go our separate ways—"

"Absolutely not," Felix snaps, slamming his fist down on the table with a dull thump.

The tears that had disappeared before start anew. Why does pushing them away feel so wrong? "I need to focus on Violet. I need to be there for her, Felix."

"We aren't going anywhere. We will be here for both of you. Don't you dare push us away." His expression is steel, and his gaze is like fire. "You and Violet will be coming over for weekly dinners from here on out."

My rebuttal melts away as my heart warms. "Okay," I whisper instead, allowing a few tears to fall which Roman wipes away.

Weak my scars accuse, but I just realized not five minutes ago that it's not about the guys. Not really. It's about me and what I'm feeling.

Having Felix fight for me, Roman comfort me, Jared being attentive, and Declan challenging me makes me.

..happy. Something in my foundation shifts and settles into place.

Judging by the way I lean into Roman, and hold Jared's gaze without feeling nauseated, I'd venture to say my trust in them in building.

Trust. Happy.

Words I never thought I'd associate with these men ever again. I hope, really fucking hope, I can add safe to that list soon too.