Page 32 of Petals of Blue, Part One (Wilted Duet #1)

Twenty-Seven

BLUE

“Knock, knock!" Bethany sings before cracking the guest room door open. The distinct coffee aroma she brings with her makes up for the morning sunlight she unleashes on my red-rimmed eyeballs.

"Thanks," I croak, taking the mug from her when she gets close. "You didn't have to."

Beth hums and sits on the edge of the bed. "I know. I wanted to, though." Her blonde ringlets are in two low pigtails, and she's makeup free. In a pair of sweatpants and a crop tank top, my friend looks stunning.

"What time is it?" I've refused to look at my phone all night. It's on do-not-disturb, but I have Violet saved as an emergency contact to bypass the silent mode in case she needs me.

"Seven-thirty," Bethany responds. She's watching me with a certain amount of hesitation that I'm not used to seeing. I've been pretty solid and reliable since we became friends. Now I'm a mess.

"You can ask," I encourage her. Knowing Bethany, she would wait forever before saying what's on her mind. She's the timid one in our group, for reasons that hurt my heart.

Blowing out a breath, she grabs my injured hand and gently cradles it in her lap. "Are you okay?"

I want to lie to her so fucking bad, but I can't bring myself to do it. "Not really."

"You're not crying."

Her observation makes me laugh. "I've been crying all night, babe. I'm fresh out of tears."

"Do you want to talk about it? What happened last night?"

Now that I've given her permission to ask about my shit, she's firing them left and right.

My knee-jerk reaction is to say I don't want to talk about it, but I really fucking should. After hearing Roman's point of view and what happened back then, I feel disorganized in my beliefs and feelings.

Instead of brushing her off, I pull my hand from her lap and take a couple of sips of my coffee. I'm going to need all the boost I can get to process this shit.

"First," I glare at her, "we're going to talk about you just sending them on their way with my sleeping body."

"Psh!" she huffs and waves me away. "They were so freaking worried about you, and I knew I'd be home soon to take over babysitting duty."

"I don't need to be babysat."

She eyes my bruised wrist. "Whatever you say. Now tell me what happened."

I relay everything Roman said to me last night. Her face barely changes as she soaks it all in, making me wonder what's going on inside her head.

"Am I stupid for giving them any attention?" I blurt out at the end. Losing hours of sleep last night because of them feels crazy to me. I've lost a lot of time in my life thinking about the four of them, and I vowed never to allow it again.

Except that was before they became a part of every inch of my life again. That's dramatic, but that's how it feels. I'm being suffocated by memories and guilty looks on faces that are way too handsome to be human.

Of course, I'm losing sleep. Who wouldn't?

"I don't think that's the question you should be asking yourself, Blue," Bethany whispers, looking thoughtful. "I think asking yourself why you are giving them your attention is more important."

"That's easy. Because I deserve to know why they left me, don't I?"

She studies me. "But how will that serve you? What do you gain from this?"

My response is immediate. "Closure." As much as I've buried them, the past has a way of showing up.

Bethany frowns and hesitates. I nudge her, releasing her thoughts. "This seems like an opening, though. You've opened the door for them, now what?"

"Now I—" Shit. She's right. Now what? What the hell even is closure? "I say goodbye."

"That's great except it sounded like a question, Blue. Do you want to say goodbye?"

Damn her and her emotional intelligence. I open my mouth and close it a few times. "Fuck," I curse myself. "I should have already said yes if I knew what I wanted, huh?"

Bethany smiles sadly with a touch of slyness. "Yeah, hun. It sounds like you'll need to keep that door open for a while if you want to figure out if you should close it for good."

"What if I just slam it in their faces and forget about them?" I'm being pouty because this sounds like a fuckton of vulnerability that I don't want to share with four people who broke my heart.

"Then you wouldn't be much better than them.

.." she whispers, her eyes pleading with me not to rip her head off for comparing us.

"I know there's really no comparing the circumstances, but your heart and the guilt I know you're susceptible to wouldn't be very rational about all of this.

You'd fixate on what ifs because of what happened to you. "

What if I block them and ignore them and something bad happens? What if they're hurt trying to get ahold of me? What if my actions cause them harm? They could fight and blame each other, ruining their friendships because of me.

"Yeah," Bethany agrees, having caught on to the spiraling going on in my head. "You're much better than that, Blue. Your heart is pure, and your anxiety is fierce. Making rash decisions out of anger will only make you vulnerable in the end."

"Anxiety feeds off of vulnerability..." I mutter, shivering. "They make me feel weak though, Bethany. I can't deal with that."

"Actually, I think that's exactly what you should be feeling.

Think about it. You rarely have panic attacks or allow your triggers to make you freeze.

You told me you panicked being trapped in their car last night.

That you hesitated when that guy grabbed you because Declan was there.

Your actions show you have room for growth, Blue.

It's okay to pay attention to your cues.

Those guys are challenging you, showing you your weak spots. ..Maybe that's not such a bad thing."

"Easy for you to say," I grumble, finishing my cup of coffee. "You make a good point, though."

She smiles and takes my cup. "I always do," she sings as she skips out the bedroom door.

Roman, Declan, Felix, and Jared unarm me. Can I really handle feeling defenseless again?

Beth is right. Maybe relearning my triggers after all these years will help me be even stronger. Letting a few of those bricks fall when I'm around them can't hurt that much, right? I'll do it for the self-growth.

I need time, though.