Page 20 of Petals of Blue, Part One (Wilted Duet #1)

Fifteen

BLUE

Five minutes is all it took for me to escape the worried looks of my friends. Their questions were almost as bad, but the concern in their eyes was too much for me.

I'm fine. I'm fucking fine.

Plus, we're here for Dakota. Not me. And I don't need them to be here for me anyway. I'm just fine.

My shaky breaths beg to differ though, as do my trembling fingers. I'll be okay; I just need to keep reminding myself of that for a while.

"God," I huff and splash my red cheeks. I'm acting like a fool around the guys. The easy way they reach for me and touch me is uncalled for. They don't know the number of times I've been grabbed and pushed around without consent.

What gives them the right to my attention and skin?! They broke me. Not the other around.

Once upon a time, I would bask in their physical affection and demanding presence. Now it sends me right into fight-or-flight mode.

When it comes to the four of them, I want to fight. Throwing punches and kicks seems like a great stress reliever, but I keep fucking it up. Every time they're near, I want to cry, scream, and just disappear. What did I do to deserve their torment all over again?

Sure, they might not be physically hurting me, but Jesus Christ, the emotional pain of eleven years slams against my ribcage when they're around. Even when I'm thinking about them.

Their touch not only triggers me, but burns me. I very clearly don't want anything to do with them, yet their determination to connect is making everything worse.

Patting my cheeks dry on Bethany's hand towel, I spiral in my thoughts until numbness settles over my heart and mind like a hug. Bless. Sometimes overthinking is exactly what shuts my brain off. Eventually.

Which is why, when the doorbell rings as I'm exiting the bathroom, I don't think much of it. Being the closest to the entryway, I pivot and tighten my messy bun.

I'll probably need to go back to the liquor store, which will need to happen before I start drinking. Maybe some White Claws would be—

My easy planning sputters out when I open the door. The numbness that weighs nicely on my conscience wavers in the face of the four men who have sent me into more panic-attacks in a short week than I've had in a year.

"Hi, Bee." Jared waves at me with a bottle of wine. I wouldn't need to buy another one if he's offering.

Declan shuffles, looking quite yummy in his gray sweatpants and black tank top. I trail my gaze over him with indifference even as my adrenaline rises. In his hand looks to be a plastic Tupperware.

He must notice my frown because he answers my unspoken question. "Oh. Your friend, Bethany—I think—gave us cookies when we moved in. I'm returning her dish because that's what people do?”

God fucking damn it, my lips twitch. That one glimpse into who Declan's grown up to be reminds me of him as a teenager.

Schooling my features, I raise a brow when I notice Roman clutching what I think is the lid for the bowl.

"I—" Roman clears his throat, looking embarrassed and tired? "I'm returning the lid."

I would laugh if I didn't think it would open doors that need to stay firmly fucking locked. Like the door I'm holding open. I really should slam it in their faces, but they have Beth's stuff. And wine.

Dismissing the Ledger brothers and Jared, I find Felix off to the side with empty hands. "Uh," he hesitates and shifts, looking uncertain which seems extremely out of character for him. "I need to borrow a broom and dustpan."

A loud laugh behind me makes me jump. Glaring over my shoulder, I spot Janine who's red in the face beside Beth and Dakota who are clearly biting their tongues, and beg them to go away.

They don't, of course.

"Who doesn't have a broom?" Bethany wonders out loud, cocking her head a little.

"Only necessities came with us during our move," Felix answers matter-of-factly.

"Blue..." Jared murmurs, holding out the bottle of wine. "Please take it."

I don't so much as sigh as I pull it from his large grip. Indifference will make them go away, I'm sure of it. They're like children, hoping for any kind of reaction because it means you’re paying attention.

Dakota steps forward, then takes the lid and bowl from Declan and Roman. I figure we're about ready to shut the door on them, but she opens her goddamn mouth. "How do you guys know Blue?"

Fucking fuckity fuck.

Hurt flashes across all four of their handsome faces. I wonder what they hope my friends know.

"High school," I grit out while avoiding eye contact with all seven of them. This bottle of wine can't be popped open fast enough.

"Really?" Janine drawls with one eyebrow raised at me. Is she putting the pieces together?

"We had a falling out," I add, really hoping it's enough. It's the most basic form of the truth.

"A falling out..." Felix rumbles.

Silence.

Then Bethany mutters something about the broom. Hopefully she'll be back soon so we can send them on their way. Guilt blossoms in my belly, making me feel nauseous.

I don't hold much guilt in my life. I've done the best I could for myself and for Violet. Do I wish I could have given her a better upbringing? Abso-fucking-lutely. But I was eighteen years old with no preparation for raising a little girl.

I've done a great job for us. A lot of sadness and anger haunts me, but not guilt.

Until now.

Bethany hands over a broom to Felix who's frowning at me. I close the door without another word. I have a lot of explaining to do, but I'm not at all ready to face my best friends.

With the guys gone and my girls watching me with a mix of confusion and hurt, I feel the tears come back. "Let me get some wineglasses first, please."

My friends know everything about my adult life. Eighteen and over they're aware of. My trauma, the lack of food and clothes, all the horrible fuckwits my aunt subjected me to...They know it all.

But the four men who just left? My best friends have never heard of Roman, Felix, Declan, and Jared. What they know is moving away from my friends and school during sophomore year was really hard, and I lost a lot of support.

It was a door I didn't want opened ever again.

But I busted that right the fuck down when I literally opened Beth's front door.

I need some wine to finally be honest with my girl friends. Thankfully, V and I are getting out of town for a week so I can run away from the bomb I'm about to drop on them.

I'm the worst.

"You're shitting me! I'm going to kill them. I'll go over there and cut their ears off one by one then toss them down the garbage disposal!"

Wide-eyed, Janine, Dakota, and I stare at Bethany. Sweet, kind, Bethany. "Beth, it's okay," I coo, scared that I broke my friend.

Blonde ringlets frame her rosy cheeks making her look slightly feral. "No, Blue. It's not okay. They were your best friends and gave you no reason for why they ghosted you. They're pieces of childish shit."

"Beth—"

"You were punched, pushed down the stairs, locked out of the house, starved, raised a child, drug from place to place, and violated twice!"

Shit. "I wasn't vio—"

"YES YOU WERE!" Bethany screams, her own trauma expanding and making her hyperventilate. "Twice that man snuck into your bedroom and pulled the blankets off of you, Blue. He touched you. I don't care that he only got as far as lifting your shirt both times before you woke up, you were violated!"

I might be sick. The easy thing to do right now would be to ask one of the other girls to comfort Bethany and hide in the bathroom again while I cry. But I don't because it's important to acknowledge the shit I endured.

Plus, my issues made one of my best friends cry.

On my hands and knees, I crawl to my bestie and snuggle into her side. I know she's reliving her own past as we dredge mine up again, and hers, in my opinion, is far worse than mine. Yet she turned out to be the purest soul I've ever met.

Bethany sniffles and lays her head on top of mine. "They knew your home life was bad, Blue. How could they leave you like that?"

"I don't know..." Her question is one I've asked myself countless times, yet I still don't know the answer. I'm not sure if I ever will, but until I do, I'm living with assumptions.

And you know what they say...When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.